Vent: Formula pushing friend

Jmj070211 · July 2014

I have a friend whose baby is already sleeping through the night at 6 weeks. I've had a lot of sleep issues with my 7 month-old and my friend keeps insisting that I should give formula at night to help her sleep. She said that she gave up breastfeeding after 3 weeks, because she has a therory that the formula helps the baby sleep better. I know that formula takes longer to digest, but honestly I think my baby's sleep issues are not hunger-related. I also gave her some samples of formula that I had, because I plan to breastfeed for 12 months+. She asked me if I was sure I didn't need them. She asked, "Don't you need to switch to formula at some point anyways?" I don't want to get into an argument with her, but I wish I could find a tactful way of responding to her.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

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jillyjill1026sr · July 2014

I EBF for 15 months, and by the time DD was 12 weeks, she was sleeping 9-10 hours straight through every night. Your friend just got lucky with a baby who's a good sleeper (for the time being, anyway). Keep on breast feeding. You're doing a great thing!

sschwege · July 2014

DD started sleeping through the night consistently at 5 months and DS at 7w. Neither one of them have ever had formula, they are just different kids.

I think my response would depend on the type of friend she was. If I thought she was struggling with choosing to give formula and was otherwise a good friend I would probably say jokingly, "I'm just too cheap to pay for something I can get for free." If she's the pain in the a$$ type who makes a stink about everything I would probably ask her point blank if she had a problem with me choosing to BF. If she started to try to argue with me about how it doesn't matter what you feed your baby then I would probably say something like, "The AAP and WHO would disagree!"

Jmj070211 · July 2014

It makes me feel better to hear that there are breastfeed babies who sleep great too! I told my friend that she's just really lucky. She breastfeed her first child for 3 weeks and then switched to formula and both babies are great sleepers. She's a really good friend and I never said anything negative about her switching to formula. It's her baby and her body. I just gave her the samples, because it was the kind of formula she uses and I know it's expensive. I think she must be feeling a little guilty about stopping, otherwise she wouldn't try to rationalize it to me. I won't bring it up to her, but if she makes any other comments I'll just tell her that breastfeeding is right for me and my baby and I don't plan to wean anytime soon.

Guennie · July 2014

Good call. "This is what works for me" is an excellent response in so many situations.

Unknown · July 2014

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TheBorg7of9 · July 2014

My EBF babies both slept throught the night by 8 weeks. It's just their nature. I don't think it depends on EBF vs FF. my second is 6 months old now and sleeps 12 hours at night.

Lena122 · July 2014

I wouldn't try to make your friend feel guilty. The decision to stop BFing can be a very difficult one, it was for me. I carried a lot of guilt when I stopped BFing my oldest after 3 weeks. I didn't get into the details of why I stopped with many people and I often blew it off as NBD but it was a huge deal to me and I would have hated to be made to feel even more guilty about it. I agree with PPs that she may just be trying to justify her decisions or she may really think it would help you.

In the future if it comes up I'd probably just say something like, "The pedi said her sleeping issues aren't related to what she eats. BFing is cheaper and easier for me so I'll stick with that."

pumpkinwife07 · July 2014

There are a lot of thoughtful responses on here and some pretty insensitive ones too. Theresa's comes to mind. Ouch.

Anyway, as someone who switched to formula feeding early on (I guess I'm selfish and don't care about my children) she's probably just trying to help. She's offering advice on what works for her. She probably feels bad that you are still awake with a 7 month old baby. My mommy friends and I trade advice all the time and trust me we all parent in very different ways.

It stinks that she's making you feel uncomfortable, but rattling off the WHO recommendations is much worse and judgmental. Fact is (like it or not) babies thrive on breastmilk and babies thrive on formula. It's a personal (and family) preference.

I would probably say something like "I appreciate the advice, but I'm planning to breastfeed until 12 months. Your comments about me switching for formula are making me a little uncomfortable. I'm not anti-formula I just really want to breastfeed. I value our friendship so much so maybe we just shouldn't talk about our feeding choices."

Good luck!

pumpkinwife07 · July 2014

I'd also like to add that not everyone who stops breastfeeding feels guilty or has issues with it. For me stopping was the BEST thing/feeling in the world. Try to remember that.

ILMomma · July 2014

pumpkinwife07 said:
There are a lot of thoughtful responses on here and some pretty insensitive ones too. Theresa's comes to mind. Ouch.
Good luck!

Maybe u should read her response better. She said if the parent switched for the sole purpose of sleeping better. That is selfish. Every response I read, including Teresa's, was very thoughtful and non judgmental. In fact your response seemed to be the only judgmental one.

pumpkinwife07 · July 2014

Do you know the definition of selfish? Selfish: (of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.

So just because this woman decided to switch to formula for whatever reason (sleep, etc) she is labeled selfish? Really? Women have the right to feed and take care of their children in the best way for their family. Often times breastfeeding is the first choice, but those who choose other methods should not called selfish.

ILMomma · July 2014

I swear it's like talking to a wall. She must be really young (at least I would hope so based on her demeanor) because she purposefully twists words to create drama. So sad :-(

RDK24 · July 2014

aditigirl said:

I would just be very matter of fact. "We're breastfeeding and have no interest in switching to formula at this time. It's working for our family. Thanks!"

I agree with this. And as PP have mentioned, how well a baby sleeps is not necessarily tied to what they eat. We got extremely lucky with an EBF baby who was sleeping 9-10 hours before she was 3 months (no sleep training, just good luck!)

Also, maybe the conversation with your friend will die out on its own and you won't need to revisit at all?

opheliainwaders · July 2014

Also, not that I like lying in general, but maybe just tell her your baby is sleeping great! Woo! ;-)

babym6705 · July 2014

My FF 4.5 year old daughter still wakes up once a night. My EBF 3 month old son sleeps through the night. I agree it temperament, not the type of food.

mysticl · July 2014

At 6 weeks my breastfed baby was sleeping through the night. At 4 months he sometimes slept through the night. At 6 months he stopped sleeping through the night. Around 19-20 months he started to sleep through the night sometimes. At 22 months he mostly sleeps through the night but not every single night. We weaned about a month ago.

JulyMumma · July 2014

I would just be honest and explain that breastfeeding works for you and is important so you're going to continue with it for as long as possible.

I'd be weary of bad mouthing formula or reminding her that breastfeeding is "better" for two reasons: 1. You never know when you might need formula. Something could happen and you might have no choice. 2. Breastmilk is better for your family. Clearly, formula feeding is working out just fine for her family.

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