Follow up to the annoying inlaws...

AS100910 · May 2012

Sorry to keep harping on this but I want an unbiased opinion on this particular situation:

I posted a couple weeks ago about this. I work 2 days a week and my DS is watched by my inlaws one day and my parents the other day. After I have this baby that I'm cooking up, when I return to work my DS will be 20 months and I wanted to put him in daycare those 2 days a week rather than send him to the grandparents. He doesn't get exposure to other kids at all and I feel like at that age it would be great to send him somewhere for 2 days a week where he can experience that. The grandparents would still take the new baby though.

Well my DH told my inlaws about that last night when he was talking to them and their response was "Why does she have to take him away from us in order for him to go to daycare? Why can't he go on one of the days that she is home with him instead??"..... My reaction is WHAT THE EFF??!?!? Why do they feel its their place to ask questions about my decisions for him, or come up with a counter offer?? Now this is turning into a battle and DH thinks we should come up with a solution that will please everyone. Am I overreacting to this?? Am I nuts to be annoyed beyond belief that I have to make my inlaws happy with every decision I make?! They feel that they are entitled to take him for one entire day a week and they said that if I put him in daycare one of the days that I work then they will just pick another day of the week to come and get him...

Who is effing crazy.... me or them??

IAM3Bs · May 2012

You're not crazy, it's your child, not theirs.

However, playing devil's advocate here- They're used to looking after their grandbaby 1 day a week, they probably look forward to it. They may be feeling like they won't get as much time with him if he's going to daycare. I think it would be a good idea to reassure them that they will still be able to spend time with the baby, if that's what you want.

mrsmoore09 · May 2012

I completely understand. Its great that they want to have an involvement but it is your decision. they should also understand that their are a lot of Grandparents that don't get to see their grand-kids but maybe once a year. They should respect your decision and be thankful for the time they had. In the end you are the parent and you should do what works best for YOU!

Megroons · May 2012

What does your husband think ? Not trying to be snarky at all but I notice you never say we...it's always, me or I. Is he on board with you ? Like other PP's said though, it's your child, not theirs!! I don't think you're crazy at all but more or less curious what your H thinks about it.

AS100910 · May 2012

bvandalsen:
I think you need to take a step back and think about this. No it isn't their right to question how you parent, but they aren't really questioning that. You are lucky that you have family close that want to spend time with your kids. Yes, your son needs time with other kids, but he also needs time with the grandparents. I do think if you are taking away their day with them, that it is only fair to take the day from your parents. BTW, how do your parents feel about it?

Oh of course! He would be in daycare both the days, not just the day that inlaws have him. My mother wasn't wild about the idea but she understands that its my choice... and she doesn't follow it up with "well if you take him away from me this day, then I'm just going to come take him another day"...

AS100910 · May 2012

Megroons:
What does your husband think ? Not trying to be snarky at all but I notice you never say we...it's always, me or I. Is he on board with you ? Like other PP's said though, it's your child, not theirs!! I don't think you're crazy at all but more or less curious what your H thinks about it.

He was always on board with the daycare thing...but now that he sees how upset it makes the grandparents he wants to come up with a solution that still allows them to have their day with him. It pisses me off that I feel like I am obligated to hand over my kids to them one day a week.

AS100910 · May 2012

bvandalsen:
No I didn't think they would, after reading your other post. I have noticed that much of the drama when it comes to in laws, it is usually the mans mother. ( Maybe I am wrong, but there are a lot of MIL vents on this board) Maybe you should sit down with them and draw the line, that way your husband isn't the go between and doesn't have to feel guilty. It isn't like you won't give them any time with the grandchildren, right?

Of course they would still see him. He would be with me every evening when I come to pick up the baby and we eat dinner together etc. They feel that they are entitled to one entire day per week though, and nothing less.

SLHurst11 · May 2012

So, what are they going to do when your kids start going to school? Pull them out 1 day each week?

Tell them they can come over in the evening and then you can all spend time together. They don't need special one-on-one time with your DS for a full day each week. Maybe 1 day a month or something.

If your DH is set on compromising for the sake of the grandparents, maybe put your son in daycare for 2 half days, and they can have him for the afternoon. My son did 2 half days. He was at daycare for the art/playtime/fun in the morning, as well as lunch. Then, I'd pick him up just after lunch. That was also naptime... so to heck if I was going to pay for him to sleep at daycare... he can sleep at home! Haha!

AS100910 · May 2012

SLHurst11:
So, what are they going to do when your kids start going to school? Pull them out 1 day each week?
Tell them they can come over in the evening and then you can all spend time together. They don't need special one-on-one time with your DS for a full day each week. Maybe 1 day a month or something.
If your DH is set on compromising for the sake of the grandparents, maybe put your son in daycare for 2 half days, and they can have him for the afternoon. My son did 2 half days. He was at daycare for the art/playtime/fun in the morning, as well as lunch. Then, I'd pick him up just after lunch. That was also naptime... so to heck if I was going to pay for him to sleep at daycare... he can sleep at home! Haha!

This is what my DH suggested but the only way that works is if its on the days that I am home with him... so inlaws would still get him for their full day. There is not a daycare that is central to my parents and his that they could go pick him up for their respective afternoon... they dont live anywhere near eachother.

mikeandcristina · May 2012

Your kid, your rules. I'd go prego hormonal on them - I think it's important to socialize kids, and you still deserve time with YOUR child! Lay down the law and call DH out - he needs to be concerned about you and your LO's and not what his parents think! It's not a time to barter!

SLHurst11 · May 2012

AS100910:
SLHurst11:

So, what are they going to do when your kids start going to school? Pull them out 1 day each week?

Tell them they can come over in the evening and then you can all spend time together. They don't need special one-on-one time with your DS for a full day each week. Maybe 1 day a month or something.

If your DH is set on compromising for the sake of the grandparents, maybe put your son in daycare for 2 half days, and they can have him for the afternoon. My son did 2 half days. He was at daycare for the art/playtime/fun in the morning, as well as lunch. Then, I'd pick him up just after lunch. That was also naptime... so to heck if I was going to pay for him to sleep at daycare... he can sleep at home! Haha!

This is what my DH suggested but the only way that works is if its on the days that I am home with him... so inlaws would still get him for their full day. There is not a daycare that is central to my parents and his that they could go pick him up for their respective afternoon... they dont live anywhere near eachother.

If your DH offered that, I would do it. And certainly do NOT select a daycare based on proximity to either of the grandparents' houses. Just tell them, "He is going to daycare. We can do mornings only, if you'd like, but then you'd need to pick him up from daycare for the rest of the day." ... "Oh, you're not willing to do that? I'm sorry, that is the only true compromise we can offer. I guess he'll just go to daycare all day, and you can visit with us in the evenings instead." Lay down the law, Mama! And as much as your DH is defending your position, he's not doing a good enough job. It sounds like you need to step in yourself on this one.

samk213 · May 2012

I responded to your other post as well. I suggested that you speak with MIL and set boundaries. Your reply was that she throws a tantrum and runs out of the room and you can't speak with someone who acts like that. Your MIL is controlling you and you are allowing it. Like you said, she feels she is entitled and so far, you haven't done anything to make her think otherwise so I fear this will continue if you don't set rules. I don't think it's your job to make your ILs happy with your decisions. Your decisions are what makes your family happy and what is best for you.. I agree that your child will definitely benefit from being around other children and learn to socialize by spending some time in daycare. Perhaps you can explain this to the ILs and let them know that this is what is best for your son and you have to put his needs before what they think they need. It sounds like you all live relatively close, so are weekend visits out of the question?

AS100910 · May 2012

samk213:
I responded to your other post as well. I suggested that you speak with MIL and set boundaries. Your reply was that she throws a tantrum and runs out of the room and you can't speak with someone who acts like that. Your MIL is controlling you and you are allowing it. Like you said, she feels she is entitled and so far, you haven't done anything to make her think otherwise so I fear this will continue if you don't set rules. I don't think it's your job to make your ILs happy with your decisions. Your decisions are what makes your family happy and what is best for you.. I agree that your child will definitely benefit from being around other children and learn to socialize by spending some time in daycare. Perhaps you can explain this to the ILs and let them know that this is what is best for your son and you have to put his needs before what they think they need. It sounds like you all live relatively close, so are weekend visits out of the question?

In my mind there are no visits that are out of the question... but its the fact that they think that they need to have him for an entire day each week to themselves. A simple visit is not enough for them and they are so impossible to reason with.

Megroons · May 2012

AS100910:

Megroons:
What does your husband think ? Not trying to be snarky at all but I notice you never say we...it's always, me or I. Is he on board with you ? Like other PP's said though, it's your child, not theirs!! I don't think you're crazy at all but more or less curious what your H thinks about it.

He was always on board with the daycare thing...but now that he sees how upset it makes the grandparents he wants to come up with a solution that still allows them to have their day with him. It pisses me off that I feel like I am obligated to hand over my kids to them one day a week.

So you lose time with DS when you're home? Ugh, I'm annoyed for you now lol. So say you let your IL's take him a different day while you're home with LO what if DS is jealous about you being home and him not? I just don't think it's their decision and you need to definitely put your foot down. I hope DH sees this & puts their feelings aside. Just figure what's best for YOU and YOUR LO's! GL with it all Big Smile

MandeeFoFandee · May 2012

I get that they want to spend time with your DS, but I'd tell them to fark off, honestly. why would they expect you to give up one of YOUR days with him to send him to daycare? you are his mother, you make the rules. if they want to see him in the evening, they know where you live.

it sounds as if you already do more compromising with them than you're comfortable with. in my experience (our MILs sound very similar), I have to keep boundaries maintained with her... otherwise, she thinks that "compromise" means that she has the upper hand. give her an inch and she takes a mile.

MandeeFoFandee · May 2012

I also want to add that if you're not willing to put your foot down, you will NEVER win this battle. it doesn't matter if there is "no reasoning" with them - tell them how it is and that's that.

jennypasadena · May 2012

AS100910:
samk213:
I responded to your other post as well. I suggested that you speak with MIL and set boundaries. Your reply was that she throws a tantrum and runs out of the room and you can't speak with someone who acts like that. Your MIL is controlling you and you are allowing it. Like you said, she feels she is entitled and so far, you haven't done anything to make her think otherwise so I fear this will continue if you don't set rules. I don't think it's your job to make your ILs happy with your decisions. Your decisions are what makes your family happy and what is best for you.. I agree that your child will definitely benefit from being around other children and learn to socialize by spending some time in daycare. Perhaps you can explain this to the ILs and let them know that this is what is best for your son and you have to put his needs before what they think they need. It sounds like you all live relatively close, so are weekend visits out of the question?

In my mind there are no visits that are out of the question... but its the fact that they think that they need to have him for an entire day each week to themselves. A simple visit is not enough for them and they are so impossible to reason with.

Why do you have to reason with them? Your children. Your rules. If they don't like it, tough. You're letting them walk all over you. If they don't respect you, you don't need to give them ANY access. My husband would not be happy with me if I came to that decision about his parents, but he would respect it.

Eveanyn · May 2012

Your child, your decision, end of story.

Newhall83 · May 2012

"I know you're going to miss him but we really feel like it's time for him to socialize with other kids at daycare." Done. Maybe they can pick him up and spend a couple of hours with him those days? I agree that they should definitely butt out but I also think that it's important to keep the peace in the fam and they just love him!

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