Stay at home Dad?

nolagal79 · June 2014

Good Morning ladies - bare with me as this is a bit lengthy but I'd like opinions on the situation.

My husband and I had our first child in January. I'm employed full time as a therapist and rehab director and am compensated well for it. My husband's contract with the Navy ended in April. The plan all along was for him to get a job and for my mom to keep our daughter while we worked. I don't want to use daycare for personal reasons, and do not see anything wrong with using daycare (and feel it's quite helpful and appropriate for some families) it's just not what's best for our family right now. Since his contract ended, my husband has been home taking care of E while I work. Initially it was rough for me to handle as some of you may remember.

Fastforward to last week and my husband got a job, the job he wanted. I thought that I would be SO excited about him getting a job, but I wasn't. Now that it's coming closer to him signing the contract for the job I'm having second thoughts about him working outside of the home. My mom's health isn't the best and I'm concerned that by her keeping E it will decline. We both sat down and talked about it last night and made a list of pros/cons of both situations - him accepting the job or him staying home with E. On paper it makes sense for him to stay home with her and maybe get a part time job. Another option for is for him to stay home with her and go back to school for a degree in business and let the GI bill pay for tuition and while he's a fulltime student he would also receive a housing allowance that would help with the mortgage.

My concerns are that I would resent him for being able to stay home with her and not me. Foolish, I know, but that is my concern. Fortunately one of our paychecks allows for the other one to stay home with E, but unfortunately (for me for purely selfish reasons) it's not me that gets to stay with her.

Is anyone else out there in a similar situation that would like to share their story? I'm sure I'm leaving out details that are important but I'm rushing to get out the door to work.

Thanks for listening and any advice ya'll have.

CarrieB. · June 2014

My DH stays home w our girls during the day and works part time in the evenings and I love it. It is hard that we don't see each other as much, but it makes it easy for me to not have to worry about day care drop offs and pick ups. I also really love my job which is important. And my DH is such a great dad.

It sounds to me like going to school would be a great opportunity for your DH. If he can swing it, he should at least give it a try.

kristennd · June 2014

CarrieB. said:

My DH stays home w our girls during the day and works part time in the evenings and I love it.

This is our situation too. But add that he works weekends.

You describe all of your feelings about the situation but what are his?

TheBorg7of9 · June 2014

Well, it's his career. I think the decisions should be up to him. I wouldnt want the devision of whether i was going to work to be based on my husbands feelings of jealousy. But I personally would not be comfortable with my mom watching the baby all day if her health was bad. The baby will just need more physical exertion in the next few months as she learns to crawl and walk and soon run. My own mother could probably handle it, but my mother in law could not. All in all, this seems like a good chance for him to go to school.

cecilyandgautam · June 2014

I think there's a notable difference between some one planning to be a SAHD and a dad who's unemployed and takes on that role while the family can't afford childcare without his income. I bring this up only to say that being a quality, full time, stay at home parent isn't easy and it's probably best done by some one who feels called to do it. So if your husband has been happy caring for your daughter full time, or could be happy doing so while looking for a part time job (which could take months), then great. Your mom can still help out as she feels up for it, but you don't have to rely on her to the extent that it would be a burden.

If he's been unhappy and if you both have been collectively stressed by the dynamics it's created in your marriage (different distribution of household work, potential for resentment over being the unexpected sole breadwinner), then I think that's worth taking into consideration. There may be aspects of the set up you can tweek to make it happier for everyone, or it may just not be the right solution for your family. When my husband was underemployed, we about broke even with childcare costs & him working what jobs he could, but he was much happier having at least some work (+ doing the back up childcare & more of the house work) than he would have been being a full time SAHD. Financially, we could have kept DD home during that time, but DH would not have been happy and that would have effected all of us.

Virgo17 · June 2014

I think you need to talk to your husband about what his preference is. Does he want to be a full-time SAHD, or was it just a temporary situation?

If he wants to work and you are opposed to daycare, why not look into a nanny? Perhaps your mom could be back up if the nanny needs days off here and there, but she wouldn't be responsible for care every single day.

In the end, you need to find out what your husband wants to do and support that. Even if you like your current arrangement, you will end up with a resentful spouse if it's not what he wants to do.

mlee116 · June 2014

I agree with PP's. There's a huge difference in being a SAH parent because you really want to vs because you are forced to. What does your H want to do? My H SAH with DS during the summers (he's a teacher) and it works out great, but only because its short term. He wouldn't want to do it all the time and I would not force him to.

I'd like to SAH, but right now I can't. But it makes no sense for me to be resentful of DH because he can sometimes. It's out of my control and its a waste of time/energy, kwim? I'm just glad DS gets extra time with his daddy sometimes. Like @CTGirl30 said, you need to accept it and move on.

I agree with PP in that there are other things you can do besides for daycare. What about a nanny or a helper to supplement your mom? Or changing your schedules around/working from home? Just some ideas..

ccam · June 2014

What does he want to do? It sounds like there could be resentment on both sides if he HAS to be a SAHD.

If we were in this situation and DH was offered a job that he really wanted, I would never stop him from doing what he wants. But I also wouldn't leave my Mom to care for my children if I didn't think she could handle it. Have you thought about other daycare options?

rockychryslerb2010 · June 2014

PrivacyWanted said:

It seems like you feel family is the only viable child care option if you don't use daycare. But there are alternatives- nanny, au pair etc. And there are many different forms of DC as well if you look into it more you may change your mind. If I found my dream job and DH insisted or begged me to stay home instead I'd be very resentful

This. It isn't fair to your DH, especially if being a stay at home parent was temporary. I would end up resenting my partner if I forced to pass on what I considered my dream job. Also agree with pp - huge difference between being a stay at home parent because you want to and doing it in-between jobs.

VOR · June 2014

** Stuck in the box **

This may come across as rude, but I really wonder about the dynamic in your house. Your post is a whole lot of what YOU want and what YOUR feelings are. You say you and your DH talked about this, but you don't tell us what HE wants. Only what "looks good on paper".

And you didn't want him to be a SAHD because of your jealousy issues but would rather have your not-very-healthy mom watch her instead. But now that he might go back to work, you're upset about THAT. But if he stays home, you're STILL concerned you might be jealous.
Honestly - you sound kind of exhausting.

dashofreality · June 2014

I only glanced through the replies. Everyone gave good advice though. It comes off a bit like you are possibly trying to force non-ideal situations because you have concerns about daycare.

Speaking from someone with an enlisted DH that is about to retire, if he found a good job that he wanted to do, I would strongly recommend that he takes it. It is very difficult for vets to find good jobs, and you said it is the job he wanted. The only concern that you stated was that you don't want him to work. Not that he doesn't want to work. If it isn't working for your family he can leave the job, but the same opportunity may not present itself again.

It also sounds that having your mom watch you infant fulltime is not a good solution. Does sound like you may have an option for backup care though.

Like CTGirl said, we will be happy to talk about daycare experiences. If you are set against daycare, I would have frank discussions with your DH and mom. And you need to listen to their points of view.

MommyAtty · June 2014

We have the option for DH to SAH. We don't do it. Why? For the same reasons a lot of wives with secondary income don't. It's a finite period of time. DH would give up a good job he likes with great benefits, which he may not get again, for a few years home with our kids. Also, frankly, he would stink at it and hate it. He would resent giving up his career. And we would be giving up about $30k a year, even assuming the highest rates we would have to pay for daycare around here. Since his parents watch our kids, we would be giving up a lot more than that! So, though we did discuss it when I got pregnant with #2, we decided against it.

kursem · June 2014

i agree that it should be up to your husband, because if he doesn't WANT to be home then he'll end up grumpy and resentful. However, I can chime in on the fact that YOUR resentment/jealousy will probably subside - we did this when DD was tiny (he stayed home until she was a year old or so) and i was jealous/upset at first but then THRILLED when i saw how both were thriving and how wonderful of a relationship they formed

We aren't going to be able to do this with baby # 2 and i'm freaking about having to put him/her in daycare.

nolagal79 · June 2014

Sorry it was a post and run - I was rushing to write this before leaving for work and didn't explain myself well. I'm at lunch and don't have much time but will explain our situation better when I get home this evening

jellybean529 · June 2014

I second the above posters. If it were me, I would only consider it a viable option if DH wanted to do it. Just because he CAN doesn't mean he has to.

I get having reservations about daycare. I went to daycare when I was 2 and 3 years old and was abused by a daycare worker so I was extremely nervous about it. But DD has thrived so much in daycare (and now in school - she's six years old). There's no one size fits all situation but there are alternatives to center-based childcare that aren't dad and grandma

Will look for your follow up later tonight.

Wyn · June 2014

Slightly off topic...Think long and hard before going the SAHD route (for many reasons). Just my experience: My ex husband was NOT a SAHD (he was a Relator) but in our divorce claimed he was a SAHD--he didnt work for just 6 months while getting his license--and then 3 years later tried (unsuccessfully) to get $2300/mo in alimony and child support. It cost me tens of thousands to fight it even though I had tax returns and his own signed statements claiming 40 hours of real estate work per week. SAHDs can get full custody even if the working mom is a good mom, but the dad shows he was primary caregiver.

welly01 · June 2014

@Wyn, wow, that's a perspective that I've never thought of!

Puppies+Rainbows+Unicorns · July 2014

I earn more than my husband and he tried staying home on FMLA for a couple of months and absolutely hated it. It can be very socially isolating for guys. Unless he really wants to stay at home I would not recommend it. I would look into a nanny if you are not comfortable with the daycare route. Personally we ended up using a small family daycare--wanted the social interaction it gave.

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