How to Deal with FOMO

Ivorytower2 · June 2014

Hi all,
This might be more for FTM's, but I'd love to hear from anyone. DH and I are really independent people. We love to travel and go out to dinner, concerts, etc with little planning. While I'm so excited for LO to get here, I can't shake the anxiety of missing out on stuff I haven't dont yet or feeling trapped at home. To deal with my FOMO, I'm thinking of planning a trip to Italy when LO is 6 months old. I feel like just doing it will help me get over my fear and realize that we can still travel and be spontaneous, just plus one. Of course, if the trip goes really horribly, it might have the opposite impact I'm hoping for.

Anyone else feeling like this? What are you doing to help deal?

bumpuser10199668 · June 2014

I think planning an expensive trip to Italy to deal with insecurities is probably a really poor choice.

Ecat504 · June 2014

CarmAlarm said:
I think planning an expensive trip to Italy to deal with insecurities is probably a really poor choice.

Agreed, if it sucks you'll feel like you waisted tons of money. Plan a local, inexpensive trip at first. Or somewhere meaningful/relevant like to visit a relative who lives a few states or whatever away. I wouldn't drop a ton of money into a trip just because you're feeling insecure about traveling with a baby.

mrsdanielleM2010 · June 2014

Ivorytower2 said:

Hi all, This might be more for FTM's, but I'd love to hear from anyone. DH and I are really independent people. We love to travel and go out to dinner, concerts, etc with little planning. While I'm so excited for LO to get here, I can't shake the anxiety of missing out on stuff I haven't dont yet or feeling trapped at home. To deal with my FOMO, I'm thinking of planning a trip to Italy when LO is 6 months old. I feel like just doing it will help me get over my fear and realize that we can still travel and be spontaneous, just plus one. Of course, if the trip goes really horribly, it might have the opposite impact I'm hoping for. Anyone else feeling like this? What are you doing to help deal?

What is FOMO?

nilvero · June 2014

That might be a stretch. Like PPs have said, if it doesn't work out, you'll feel bad. I agree with planning a smaller trip that is more relevant. That way you can see how it works.

mrsdanielleM2010 · June 2014

Thanks @MrsSparklebottom‌. I hope this next question doesn't sound insensitive or, heaven forbid, hostile... But is FOMO a real thing that can be diagnosed or dealt with? Or is it more like affluenza - a name people give to their inability to cope?

trebekastan · June 2014

MrsSparklebottom said:

Ivorytower2 said:

Hi all, This might be more for FTM's, but I'd love to hear from anyone. DH and I are really independent people. We love to travel and go out to dinner, concerts, etc with little planning. While I'm so excited for LO to get here, I can't shake the anxiety of missing out on stuff I haven't dont yet or feeling trapped at home. To deal with my FOMO, I'm thinking of planning a trip to Italy when LO is 6 months old. I feel like just doing it will help me get over my fear and realize that we can still travel and be spontaneous, just plus one. Of course, if the trip goes really horribly, it might have the opposite impact I'm hoping for. Anyone else feeling like this? What are you doing to help deal?

What is FOMO?
Fear of missing out, I'm guessing. OP, where do you think Italy is going? Chances are it'll still be there when LOL is older. I wouldn't plan a trip like that out of anything other than a desire to go. You don't have to prove anything.

Technically parts are sinking, so OP might want to drag a 6mo halfway around the world before something falls into the sea.

chardonnay24 · June 2014

There are certainly people out there that say that having a baby doesn't change anything and you can continue a spontaneous, carefree lifestyle and I think that can be true. When my son was a newborn/infant, we continued to live our life. We went out to eat, took him to concerts in the park, and traveled. Our only limitation was that I wasn't working, so we didn't have the income to do nearly as much as we used to. And he was an easy baby - traveled well, rarely cried, had a predictable schedule.

This all changed when he reached the toddler years. He had a lot of energy and his schedule became less flexible and more "if we skip this meal or that nap, there will be hell to pay". We tried a trip to Vancouver when he was 20 months and it was pure torture. The first night, we drove through the city until 3 am trying to get him to sleep. Routine and structure ruled our lives for the next 2 years. We didn't eat out. We didn't plan spontaneous trips. We didn't go anywhere or do anything without a strict plan (and an exit strategy!) We haven't traveled since our trip to Vancouver and are tentatively planning a trip to Disneyland in December (he will be nearly 4).

He also has special needs (ASD), so that complicates things. He is less flexible and more sensitive to changes in his environment and routine. I spend my days making sure that he is set up for success, and that means avoiding certain environments and places that will make him melt down. Of course, our situation is not the norm, but you have to just keep in mind that you have no idea what kind of child you'll end up with. I have friends that successfully took their 2.5 year old to Spain for a couple weeks this winter and had a great time. It takes more planning and more "go with the flow" mentality, but children =/= the end of life as you know it.

I also don't feel like I'm missing out on things. My life is different now and occasionally I do miss our carefree, childless days, just as much as I envy the lives of friends with typical children who don't need to put as much planning into a dinner out or a quick trip to the beach. BUT, different does not necessarily mean bad. I get as much joy watching my kid run through the sprinkler after eating an ice cream cone on a warm day as I used to out of taking an impromptu cruise and doing drunk karaoke in the Bahamas.

dal2aus · June 2014

I think I can relate a bit. It's normal to be anxious about such a big life change, and anyone who says it isn't is a liar. That's why so many people do babymoons, which I personally find ridiculous. Kids are portable. They go to restaurants, concerts, and travel. Having a baby is not the end of your life, but the start of a new one. No sense blowing a bunch of money, and uprooting your baby just because you bought into some myth of what parenthood is really about.

However, to answer your question...how am I dealing? Just remembering that I fought, prayed, and begged God to make me a mommy and I asked for the life that I am about to receive. In exchange for "sacrificing" my own experiences, I get the privilege of seeing my children experience the world for the first time.

biokitty42 · June 2014

I can relate to what you're saying. Having DD was very, very hard on me. It was a huge adjustment. I was already kind of a homebody, but I felt very confined and missed being able to do what I wanted when I wanted.

That being said, I think trying to take a big trip like you're talking about would have been worse for me. I would have been caught up in how hard everything was, and how much easier it would have been before, and just felt depressed and run ragged.

Everyone is different. I know plenty of people who did a much better job than I did of incorporating the baby into their life and just living like they used to. I would still advise you to wait until LO has arrived, give it a couple months so you can find your feet and learn what your new normal is, and then make decisions about trips. I wouldn't recommend committing to anything right now.

Like @chardonnay24 we took a small trip when DD was about 19 months old last month. It was really tough. I won't go into details, but it was just a lot of hard work and frustration. DD didn't sleep (not that she does particularly well at home, either), we were very limited in our activities, and she was cranky. We came home exhausted and kind of defeated.

Again, everyone is different. My friend took their toddler to the U.K., and although it was challenging, they had a good time. I just wouldn't plan the trip until you know what life will be like.

rockychryslerb2010 · June 2014

Honestly, traveling with an infant is a whole lot easier than traveling with a toddler! We like to travel and have done quite a bit of traveling with E. We started with smaller weekends away close to us, but went to Hawaii when he was 10 months. We traveled again to Chicago when he was 1.5 and then a southern tour of North Carolina / South Carolina / Georgia just last month (he's 2.5).

Even with #2 on the way, we still plan to travel, but are picking family friendly places for the next few years. We still get to travel together, luckily we have parents who love taking E for a few days. You can still travel, but your approach to traveling will change. I agree with pp, we are pretty strict with schedule and routine now, so traveling across timezones or missing naptime is just not something we're interested in right now - we'd pay for it for days, if not weeks!

Hawaii was easy, we live on the east coast, so we just picked a direct flight. We also travel with help whenever we can - my parents or our nanny. It gives us a good mix of getting to spend time with E and date nights.

I would plan a trip, but probably not this far in advance. I wouldn't go because I felt like I had to prove something, but rather because I want to see Italy and now is as good of a time as any to visit.

fernane · June 2014

I think these are normal feeling for a FTM. Yes, your life will change, but it doesn't mean you have to stop doing things you love. When I found out I was pregnant with DS, we were in the works of moving to Asia. I had him over there, and we fully embraced the culture and travel until we came back to the states when he was almost a year old. An LO in no way means you have to not travel, your itenerary will probably have to be adjusted, though, and you will start wanting to do more things that pertain to them and not always yourself. It's not a bad thing at all and I loved the first year we got to spend traveling with DS. He's almost 2 1/2 now and we actually got back from a long road trip today, and are planning an Africa trip sometime early next year when we will have him and an infant, which will add some more excitement lol. If it's something you are passionate about, be passionate about sharing it with and passing it onto your LOs as well.

Ivorytower2 · June 2014

Thanks for the responses guys. To a lot of yor points, traveling with and infant seems like it might be easier than traveling with a toddler, so Im kind of thinking of doing something bigger while she's still little. My family is going to Italy and South Africa next year, so I'd like to join in on one or the other. I'm going to have to travel across country alone for work before she's even three months old, so maybe I'll see how that goes before booking Italy.

A lot of you have great attitudes about traveling with kids, and your responses made me feel a lot better, so thank you!!

RedBaramid · June 2014

I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in the fear of change. I had a big emotional break down the other day because DH is always telling me I'm the center of his universe, and I know that when this little girl arrives, he's going to love her in a completely different and special way, and that his universe is going to be rapid expanding. I had this complete jealous melt down over the idea that I would have to share him, and then I felt like a crap person because why the hell should I be jealous over something we created together.

Things are going to change, and it's completely okay to be nervous, afraid, anxious, and all the other feelings that are just happening. All emotions are valid, just remember to put everything in perspective before you get too worked over them. I have been trying my hardest to journal out all of my emotions and put them on paper to in a sense, release them. Maybe that would help you.

SingleMom31 · June 2014

Before having DD1, I'd travel, go out to eat a lot, etc. When she arrived, it was a huge adjustment for me (DH was always more of a home body, so he was more ok with it). I think that it was part of why I had such a hard time with PPD after she was born.

She's now 18 months old and DD2 is on the way, and I'm more than happy with our new life. Right now, traveling isn't in our near future (with DD1 needing a nap from 12-2, meals/snacks every few hours, and having a 7:30 bedtime, we can't justify expensive trips to spend so much time in the hotel room with her), but we get a lot of joy from other activities like going to the park, playing outside, the local beach, etc. Smaller ventures are better for us right now since it's hard to get her out of her routine and she can get overwhelmed/tired quickly. Someday, we'll get to the point of traveling again, and I'm excited for that too (I can't wait to take them to Disney or to Europe, or for them being old enough for DH and I to take an adults only vacation while they stay with grandma/grandpa). I think a lot is finding joy in whatever stage they're in currently, rather than looking at what you're not doing.

teenybean · June 2014

I've had my days of missing my old life on occasion, or so I though until one day I realized I wasn't really mourning my freedom, in those moments of feeling "trapped" in those wild toddler times of inexhaustible requirements...I might actually be upset because I'm trying to hold onto motherhood and realizing in those exasperating moments that its all too fleeting if that makes sense.

I miss travelling the way I used to, or throwing caution to the wind, but it hit me that I might miss my messy, noisy house or finding my car keys in the pile of fridge alphabet letters even more someday.

I can always travel or get a beer, but my 5 year old will never be 2 again and someday my 2 year old will stop leaving dragons in my purse where my debit card should be.

That being said maybe an Italian adventure with your baby when you see how you feel, we have travelled a little with kids, but find more and more that simple things are fun in a whole new way because you are seeing things with a child's eyes and watching them see new things etc is pretty amazing

hizah05 · June 2014

Ivorytower2 said:

Thanks for the responses guys. To a lot of yor points, traveling with and infant seems like it might be easier than traveling with a toddler, so Im kind of thinking of doing something bigger while she's still little. My family is going to Italy and South Africa next year, so I'd like to join in on one or the other. I'm going to have to travel across country alone for work before she's even three months old, so maybe I'll see how that goes before booking Italy. A lot of you have great attitudes about traveling with kids, and your responses made me feel a lot better, so thank you!!

If your family is going and you want to join the trip then I'd say to go. I would agree that traveling with an infant that cannot walk is much easier! We took a trip with our son from IL to AZ at 8 months (I think, somewhere in the 7-9 month range) and then at 11 months to Mexico. He did great both trips. Now that he's 2 I am more worried to take him on a plane or on long trips because he's very vocal and independent and knows what he wants to do. I think it would be more difficult. I'd say go for it!

LTMama · June 2014

Traveling with family might be good. But honestly, even though traveling with an infant is easier than with a toddler, a sightseeing-heavy trip doesn't sound fun to me with a kiddo that age. Something more low-key like a beach vacation would be cool, where you could relax with the little one. But lots of walking and touring around sounds exhausting.

MrsLaLaBug · June 2014

girl, lemme letcha know right now.... you had better pour yourself a glass of water and take a big dose of REALIZAC. Hopefully that will help you deal with your FOMO. Running away to a foreign country, however, prob won't.

MrsLaLaBug · June 2014

oooooh cruise!! I vote cruise also!!

SingleMom31 · June 2014

Cruise sounds lovely, but what happens when baby goes to bed at (for example) 7 pm? At least one person would be stuck in the cabin with the little one from 7 pm on -- That doesn't sound like a fun vacation to me. Well, unless LO is willing to sleep in a stroller or carrier, in which case, you could still walk around the ship, but that never ended well for us since we'd inevitably wake DD up when we tried to transfer her from the carrier/stroller to the PNP.

rockychryslerb2010 · June 2014

Yuristar said:

I agree. Going to Italy requires a lot of walking, between that and having to stop for feeding/diaper changing times would be a killer. Why don't you take a cruise instead?

I disagree with this. Even at 10 months old, we did a bunch of hiking around Hawaii. To op, I recommend an excellent carrier (i love my ergo, strollers can be a pita) and wear your baby while sight-seeing. If you're nursing, you can even nurse in the carrier, very discretely. Sure, you''ll need to stop for diaper changes, but that is a 2-3 min thing. Baby will even nap in carrier.

Being stranded on a boat with a 6 month old sounds miserable to me!

MrsLaLaBug · June 2014

crystalangel79 said:
I think that there is a sort of missing out in both phases of life. Sure there are some limitations when having kids while traveling and some families can travel more than others (I would see how your LO and your family are before deciding anything). However as a non-parent Ive been feeling for a while now that I am the one missing out... On parenting, being a mom, doing mom/family things etc.
So the fear of missing out for me is that of missing out on parenthood which has its joys and wonder too. Maybe if the perspective wasnt what you are losing and what an amazing life you are gaining, your feelings might change.

I effing LOVE this perspective!!! It is so true!!

brittneyandadam · June 2014

crystalangel79 said:
I think that there is a sort of missing out in both phases of life. Sure there are some limitations when having kids while traveling and some families can travel more than others (I would see how your LO and your family are before deciding anything). However as a non-parent Ive been feeling for a while now that I am the one missing out... On parenting, being a mom, doing mom/family things etc.
So the fear of missing out for me is that of missing out on parenthood which has its joys and wonder too. Maybe if the perspective wasnt what you are losing and what an amazing life you are gaining, your feelings might change.

I had always known that when I had children, it would come with sacrifices on my part and life would never be the same. Like Crystal said though, it's a new sort of adventure and a different phase in your life. I think you have to be prepared to let some things go and give some things up...but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Vacations aren't going to be the same...they will entail a little more planning. And yeah, you may have to postpone some big vacations until LO is bigger. If you do take a big vacation...like to Italy, just know that you will be on baby's schedule, not your own. You may miss some things you wanted to see or do...but again, it's a part of accepting the responsibility of being a parent.

AbbyLee621 · June 2014

I have a friend who wanted to plan some time away for herself and her hubby. They booked a 4 day cruise to the Bahamas when her daughter was about 6 mos. old. She said she was really glad she did it, but that she wishes she'd started with a smaller trip first.

Whether you take your kiddo along or not, you may want to try out a small trip first.

ILoveRunning · June 2014

Lurker (due with a DD in September) chiming in.

I wasn't really afraid of change when DS was born, but was surprised by how much life really did change. That being said, DH and I manage to still do most of the things that we loved to do pre-child, the only difference being that we had to take into account DS's schedule and modify certain activities to fit his needs. So in that sense, I agree with what a lot of the PPs have said.

However, I actually think that a trip to Italy with a 6 month old is not a big deal, and that you should go for it. Realize though, that you probably won't be in museums all day, that you may have to go back to the hotel for some naps and that you probably won't want to (or be able to) stay out until 2am. Restaurant choices may also be more limited since I don't think you want to bring your LO to a 5-star restaurant. Things will be different, but I don't think that makes travel impossible, or even less fun. We have traveled consistently with my DS and plan on doing the same with our DD. The key is to lower expectations and to take things a day at a time. Enjoy the little things, like taking a walk or sitting down at a cafe. In the end, you might find yourself enjoying vacation even more than you would have pre-baby.

Ivorytower2 · June 2014

Thanks @rockychryslerb2010‌. I registered for the Ergo and its good to hear that perspective.

@natsan08‌ Sounds like you and your husband have the same outlook as we do. LO will fit into our lifestyle instead of changing everything about our lives. I know there will be a rough toddler period, but it's great to hear that your LO benefited from those experiences.

And all the ladies who mentioned the fear of missing out on not being parents, I can 100% relate and agree. I was ready for kids before DH and I'm so grateful that our family will be growing. I just want to make sure we balance things right so we can keep being who we are and have everything we want out of life!

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