WTF?! What the hell am I supposed to do now?! (Sorry, long)

jlz32185 · June 2014

Everyone else has given you great advice so I don't really have any more to add. Just wanted to say how sorry I am and how awful I feel that you are going through this. Hugs

elsie2014 · June 2014

I think there has even some fantastic advice here, and I just wanted to add my support and say that I am SO sorry. I can't even imagine if something like this happened with my DH. Your marriage will be in my thoughts and prayers!

heatherjeanp · June 2014

I am so pissed for you - this hits really close to home. Both myself and my BFF went through something all too similar. I really have to fight the urge to misplace my own hurt and anger toward your husband right now. I will say that his actions and reactions sound like that of a typical narcissist, and if he doesn't turn around and admit what he did was wrong or if he says something to the effect of "I'm feeling ignored by everyone/left out/ not getting enough attention" that you should be prepared for some real ugly. Nothing about what he did was excusable, whether it's forgivable is up to you. Counseling May or May not work but is definitely worth it - BOTH together and individually.

Tell someone IRL. It will eat you up keeping it to yourself. These times are when we need our friends or family most.

Do not let him turn this around on you.

I am sending you strength, and self-confidence to trust your gut, and tons and tons of positive energy. Do what you need to for a healthy you and healthy baby. Good luck, we are all here. Keep us posted.

TC0514 · June 2014

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the pain your feeling. I would be so hurt, pissed, and most of all just confused. I think it's best to keep it between the 2 of you for now.. It's never a good idea to get family involved because then they will ALWAYS be involved! He needs to do some explaining..and earn your trust back. Most importantly you 2 need to sit down and talk! Avoiding this is NOT the answer. Praying for you sweetie!

ashie0610 · June 2014

Wow, what an asshole thing to do. I hope he realizes what a huge mistake he made and made it a point to talk to you last night if you were able to stay up for him. It sounds like he needs to do a LOT of work to make things right. I'm so sorry he did this to you, but as others have said NONE of this is your fault.

fireflyrebirth · June 2014

I don't have much to add as PPs have given so much great advice already. I just wanted to let you know you have my support. I am so sorry you are going through this.

keenkamsmom · June 2014

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Don't let him feel like any part of this is your fault. He is being a jerk and trying to make you feel guilty too. I went through something similar with my ex. I was pregnant with our second son and he decided to mess around with someone he worked with. I figured it out and he still lied to my face. I knew in my gut he did it even though he wouldnt admit it. I gave him the option to cut ties and work on our relationship but he was hesitant so I left and never looked back. My mom and sister were a huge support during this time. I hope that you are able to talk and work through things, but if not you will be ok without him. I know it feels horrible now but you are not alone. Message me if you need to talk. ((HUGS))

pnwlover12 · June 2014

@Heartwood0519 I just wanted to check in with you and see how everything is going. I can't stop thinking about what you are going through. Big, creepy, internet hugs for you.

griffers · June 2014

I'm just now reading this thread and want to say I am so, so sorry and none of this is your fault.

Everyone has given you great advice so far but I know it can be hard when you're in that situation yourself to follow through sometimes. If there is any one piece of advice I think you NEED to follow it's this- do NOT allow his life to go on as it normally would like nothing happened. This might mean something different for everyone depending on your general life situation, but my DH would either be going to stay at his parents for a while or I'd be leaving the house for a while. He needs to see that his actions cause his life to be interrupted not just yours. Whether or not you decide to work things out with him, he needs consequences.

I know this seems like an obvious piece of advice, but I know from experience how hard it is to put your foot down and stand your ground for what you think is right when you really really want things to work out. Please keep us updated, we will all be thinking of you.

Heartwood0519 · June 2014

Hi guys, thank you all so much for your support! Just wanted to give a quick update for those who are inquiring.

I didn't really get a chance to talk to him much after he got home from work. He did send me flowers, however. He said he's embarrassed and that he feels horrible and understands that I'm upset. I told him that he needs to tell her he's no longer doing business with her and delete her number, and he said he would. He also said that he will leave his phone out and that I can go through it any time I want. I didn't check to see if he deleted her number or told her to not contact him, though.

I also told him that I'm angry because I trusted him 100% and now it's gone. I asked a bunch of questions that didn't get answered, although he did answer the one I asked about it getting physical and he said no. I don't know if I can believe him, though. I also told him that he needs to figure out a way to fix this and that it's going to take me a long time to get over it. I told him that I'll be asking myself questions on a daily basis that no wife should ever have to ask herself, and that if anything like this ever happens again, I'm gone.

I've spent the majority of the day questioning our entire relationship and what's the truth. Does he really love me? Has he done this before? Why, why, why? Am I not pretty/interesting/funny/etc enough? Am I too boring? Am I too annoying? The list goes on and on. I'm really angry that I'm having these thoughts and that my husband, that I trusted wholeheartedly, is the culprit of them.

Cliff notes: I'm still upset, still having tears, still angry, still questioning, still don't know how to move forward and how to trust him again. I wish this would just go away.

vrj0522 · June 2014

Again, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I'm glad you got to talk to him and that he is showing remorse for it. I think that like you are asking yourself, the biggest question he needs to answer is why. If you can get to the bottom of it, then you can both know what you need to do to fix your relationship and avoid this from happening again. The thing that you should definitely not do, is put any of it on yourself. It wouldn't matter if you were a terrible wife (which I am sure you are not), a husband should never think it's okay to cheat on his wife. I really hope you can get the answers you need to.

pnwlover12 · June 2014

My heart aches for you. I hope he pulls his head out of his ass and makes this right. It will take time and lots of tears, but I'm keeping all fingers I have crossed that this will eventually fade into a distant memory for you and you guys will pull through.

In the meantime, I would be cooking and cleaning far less. That fool can handle it for awhile

AmandaJean12 · June 2014

I'm glad he took some responsibility for his actions. It sucks that can't make it better but I don't think anything will except time and effort on his part.

Keep considering talking to a professional. You've got a baby on the way who is going to take a lot of your time and attention. Sometimes having to go talk to someone helps you keep this a priority to work through so it really gets dealt with.

lrobi13 · June 2014

Thanks for the update. I hate that you are having to work through so many feelings and emotions. I know that for me that this scenario is one of my biggest fears.

Hold your head up high and take care of you and your baby. It sounds like he wants to do the right thing but I totally understand not being able to go back to the way things were before.

Please don't blame yourself. If he was feeling panicked, bored, etc., he should have come to you about those feelings instead of flirting with the real estate agent.

Take care and know that you have a bunch of women rooting for you! Also, the image of all of us angry women coming at him in a wild stamped makes for a good revenge fantasy material!

[Deleted User] · June 2014

Thank you keeping us updated. It sounds like you handled the situation extremely well, and stood your ground. I'm glad he's taking some responsibility and showing remorse, and it's completely understandable that that doesn't magically make everything better, and it will take you some time to get over this and for him to earn back your trust. You'll be in our thoughts!

ss265 · June 2014

Thank you for the update. I really think you guys need to seek some marriage counseling and try and understand why this happened. Your husband especially needs to do some introspection to understand what drove him to start texting this woman. You have a major life event coming up and having a baby puts a magnifying glass on your relationship - if you are having issues now and you don't deal with them, they will only escalate once the baby arrives. Spend the rest of your pregnancy working on your relationship and setting up the foundation of your relationship so that you can focus on the baby when he/she arrives.

It sounds like he has taken accountability for his actions but you still need to address this. And do not blame yourself - it is easy to do so but he is at fault here. If there is something he is not getting from you (which I am not saying is the case), then he needs to voice it. This is where seeing a neutral party will help.

Good luck and I am thinking of you.

trisharenee0316 · June 2014

It will hurt for a while. The trust doesn't come back overnight and the pain doesn't go away quickly either, even though I wish it did. Really, you just have to take one day at a time and give yourself the space to grieve for the reality you had before that is gone.

I have to be honest though, the fact that he didn't answer all of your questions would, for me, piss me right off and I don't think I could move past the event to even think about working on things if all my questions weren't answered.

victoria+james · June 2014

Thank you for the update! You've been on my mind and I'm happy to hear that he is remorseful of his actions. It will make the healing process "easier" for you (even if it doesn't feel like it right now).

I know it's so hard to avoid going to that place where you are blaming yourself. But I promise you that you didn't do anything to cause this! He did it for reasons outside of anything you are capable of controlling.

I'm so sorry that your mind is overrun with these thoughts... I'm just so sorry that this happened to you at all...

Raesofsunshine1 · June 2014

Thanks for the update. Been thinking about you...

I would still really recommend counseling. Adding a baby to the family can be really HARD sometimes. You wont get to spend as much time together, and both yours and his attention will be really focused on the baby. It can be easy to struggle during this time. At least it was for us... Good luck!

keenkamsmom · June 2014

I'm glad you were able to talk a little and that he is sorry and embarassed about what he did. Hopefully he is willing to put in the hard work that it will take to earn back your trust (if that is possible) and work things out for your family.

Lele74 · June 2014

I've been thinking about how you've been doing. I hope things work out for you! I don't have much to add to pp's. Counseling might be really helpful and it doesn't hurt to try it out.
This really sucks that this has happened (((hugs)))

mcclan03 · June 2014

Thanks for the update.

I don't know you or your DH, but I think you should stop asking yourself if it's something you did. People act out and do reckless, stupid, hurtful things for many reasons, almost all of which have to do with themselves and their own issues, not their partners/spouses.

I'm not making any excuses -- what your DH did is unequivocally wrong -- but even so, I bet he loves you very much.

Of course rebuilding trust is essential, but in my experience, that process can sometimes go on forever -- sometimes for too long, where you're just revisiting and focusing on past pain rather than moving forward. I'd echo what the PP said about forgiveness being an essential part of the equation.

I hope you two can keep talking, get to the bottom of things (including a counselor if needed), and come up with a plan for moving forward, if that's what you want. Wishing you the very best.

Eastie156 · June 2014

@Heartwood0519

You ARE NOT over-reacting. I'd imagine something prompted you to check his phone in the first place. Has he done this before or given you reason to question him? Just because he didn't physically cheat doesn't mean this isn't emotional cheating. I'm angry for you and I'm sorry you are dealing with this b.s.

Edit: I just read your update. I'm glad you have talked, but I would seek out marriage counseling if I were you. From a BTDT perspective, it will help.

Sockgnome78 · June 2014

Thanks for the update.
Glad he is taking some responsibility for it.
Thoughts still going out to you.

ladybug0088 · June 2014

Been thinking about you a lot and you are in my continued thoughts and prayers.

SkyeRN · June 2014

So glad for the update. I am SO sorry this has happened and it is so hard to know why..... As countless others have said, PLEASE DON'T BLAME YOURSELF!! Nothing you did, said or had would have made this okay - in ANY universe. I hope the two of you are able to process this and work toward whatever will be best in the end. {{hugs}}

wearenutts · June 2014

I've been away from the bump for a while due to moving and no internet but I saw this post and had to comment. Please note I have not read through all the comments.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't know if you believe in prayer but I do. I will be praying for you and your family that you all can overcome this obstacle in your marriage. I will be praying for trust and hearts to heal.

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WTF?! What the hell am I supposed to do now?! (Sorry, long)

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