Frightening Marriage Thought

hopefulmom81 · June 2014

Okay, so I have been fairly open about my struggles with DH and I. Things aren't "bad", but they are flat. We get along, but don't really seem like a married couple. This got me thinking.

Do you know ANY awesome couples that have been married 10+ years? I am talking like romantic, all about each other, in love couples. Not just "livin' life" day to day together.

That question's answer for myself scared me a lot. I don't know a single married couple of 10 years or more that I would want to emulate. Do you?

JackoftheBox · June 2014

My old hr lady and her husband have been married for 54 years. They are so freaking cute and in love. He use to bring her flowers and small gifts in the regular. They even had date night at least once a week.

Helenahhandbasket · June 2014

I know one.

They are a friend's sister and BIL. They have been married almost 20 years (they married SUPER young-- I think my friend's sister was 19) but they are ridiculously, madly in love. Like, can't keep thier hands off of each other, goo goo eyes in love. AND they have 3 kids. But they are IMO, the exception and not the rule.

In general though, partnering for life seems so unnatural to me. Monogomy for life seems unnatural to me. I always said I would never get married, then I met H, and I went against everything I ever said about the way I feel about marriage as an instution.

It obvioulsy "works" for some people. And by "works", I mean some people manage to stay together their entire lives, not that they are 100% fulfilled or happy or whatever.

It does not work for me. I am not sorry I got married, because then I would never have DD, and I have learned a lot about myself.

But never again. Ain't nobody got time for that.

Tink112011 · June 2014

No, I don't know any couples like the one you described. But I guess the difference is that I think relationships have natural stages, and I don't want or expect to be "goo goo eyes" and all handsy with DH anymore.

I expect to be his lifelong partner and companion, and that means I expect things to get a little flat. The lifelong companion part is more important to me than acting like we're in the first 6 months of our relationship.

hopefulmom81 · June 2014

Helenahhandbasket said:

I know one.

They are a friend's sister and BIL. They have been married almost 20 years (they married SUPER young-- I think my friend's sister was 19) but they are ridiculously, madly in love. Like, can't keep thier hands off of each other, goo goo eyes in love. AND they have 3 kids. But they are IMO, the exception and not the rule.

In general though, partnering for life seems so unnatural to me. Monogomy for life seems unnatural to me. I always said I would never get married, then I met H, and I went against everything I ever said about the way I feel about marriage as an instution.

It obvioulsy "works" for some people. And by "works", I mean some people manage to stay together their entire lives, not that they are 100% fulfilled or happy or whatever.

It does not work for me. I am not sorry I got married, because then I would never have DD, and I have learned a lot about myself.

But never again. Ain't nobody got time for that.

This is me EXACTLY.

I mean, I think deep down I always wanted to have someone love me and love them back long term, but it does seem weird to just plug through the ruts with a single other person and to really have to fight to appreciate each other and work hard to stay together. Is it possible that we are working and fighting so hard to keep marriage "good" because it isn't natural?

Helenahhandbasket · June 2014

Tink112011 said:

No, I don't know any couples like the one you described. But I guess the difference is that I think relationships have natural stages, and I don't want or expect to be "goo goo eyes" and all handsy with DH anymore.

I expect to be his lifelong partner and companion, and that means I expect things to get a little flat. The lifelong companion part is more important to me than acting like we're in the first 6 months of our relationship.

While I agree with this 100%, this is the reason marriage doesn't work for me, personally. I can't imagine one person being compatible with me in every stage of life.

hopefulmom81 · June 2014

Tink112011 said:

No, I don't know any couples like the one you described. But I guess the difference is that I think relationships have natural stages, and I don't want or expect to be "goo goo eyes" and all handsy with DH anymore.
I expect to be his lifelong partner and companion, and that means I expect things to get a little flat. The lifelong companion part is more important to me than acting like we're in the first 6 months of our relationship.

Yes, I do see your point, but I guess to me, why does lifelong partner and companion negate handsy, spontaneous and lovey dovey?

Ago · June 2014

Tink112011 said:

No, I don't know any couples like the one you described. But I guess the difference is that I think relationships have natural stages, and I don't want or expect to be "goo goo eyes" and all handsy with DH anymore.
I expect to be his lifelong partner and companion, and that means I expect things to get a little flat. The lifelong companion part is more important to me than acting like we're in the first 6 months of our relationship.

I agree with this. It is a different kind of love. DH and I will have been married 9 years in August, so we aren't 10+, but we are still very much in love, yet have recently gone through that rough patch. We have developed through that and moved forward, and I think will continue to be happy. We have our lovey-dovey moments, for sure, but it isn't 24/7.

hopefulmom81 · June 2014

YellowWallpaper12 said:

I never really thought about it. There are a couple of people I can think of but they seem to be more the exception than the rule, at least publicly. I know people who act like they have the perfect relationship but are really miserable. There may be others who are the opposite and are more romantic in private.

I think most people go through a flat period.

Edited for grammar

This is a REALLY good point. The two couples I know who act super in love, one has infidelity and the other just divorced.

Helenahhandbasket · June 2014

@hopefulmom81 I am doing the eye- finger pointy thing with you.

If I want romance, I deserve it GDI! My dog is my companion, not my intended spouse.

Tink112011 · June 2014

Helenahhandbasket said:

Tink112011 said:

No, I don't know any couples like the one you described. But I guess the difference is that I think relationships have natural stages, and I don't want or expect to be "goo goo eyes" and all handsy with DH anymore.

I expect to be his lifelong partner and companion, and that means I expect things to get a little flat. The lifelong companion part is more important to me than acting like we're in the first 6 months of our relationship.
While I agree with this 100%, this is the reason marriage doesn't work for me, personally. I can't imagine one person being able be compatible with me in every stage of life.

I have seen first hand that some people NEED the highs of a new relationship. My BFF keeps every guy for 6-12 months, then dumps them when the high wears off.

Me? I'm a pretty even-keeled and constant person. The thought of going through that cycle over and over and over again sounds awful!

So... different strokes for different folks. It's why marriage works for some and not for others. But just because I'm not all handsy with my DH, doesn't mean we're not happily married. I mean, I think he's appreciative that our relationship is pretty low maintenance now! He gets sex without having to "court" me!

hopefulmom81 · June 2014

I also think my description is getting misconstrued, I don't mean goopy, gross love. I mean an aged romance, thinking about each other and trying to keep the other person engaged by doing nice things loved.

hopefulmom81 · June 2014

Helenahhandbasket said:

@hopefulmom81 I am doing the eye- finger pointy thing with you.

If I want romance, I deserve it GDI! My dog is my companion, not my intended spouse.

Helenahhandbasket · June 2014

Ago said:

Tink112011 said:

No, I don't know any couples like the one you described. But I guess the difference is that I think relationships have natural stages, and I don't want or expect to be "goo goo eyes" and all handsy with DH anymore.

I expect to be his lifelong partner and companion, and that means I expect things to get a little flat. The lifelong companion part is more important to me than acting like we're in the first 6 months of our relationship.
I agree with this. It is a different kind of love. DH and I will have been married 9 years in August, so we aren't 10+, but we are still very much in love, yet have recently gone through that rough patch. We have developed through that and moved forward, and I think will continue to be happy. We have our lovey-dovey moments, for sure, but it isn't 24/7.

I mean, look, nothing should be 24/7.

I just think if you look at your spouse and feel no sexual feelings, and this continues for a looooong time (possibly years), then you really are just friends, no?

hopefulmom81 · June 2014

Tink112011 said:

Helenahhandbasket said:

Tink112011 said:

No, I don't know any couples like the one you described. But I guess the difference is that I think relationships have natural stages, and I don't want or expect to be "goo goo eyes" and all handsy with DH anymore.

I expect to be his lifelong partner and companion, and that means I expect things to get a little flat. The lifelong companion part is more important to me than acting like we're in the first 6 months of our relationship.
While I agree with this 100%, this is the reason marriage doesn't work for me, personally. I can't imagine one person being able be compatible with me in every stage of life.

I have seen first hand that some people NEED the highs of a new relationship. My BFF keeps every guy for 6-12 months, then dumps them when the high wears off.
Me? I'm a pretty even-keeled and constant person. The thought of going through that cycle over and over and over again sounds awful!
So... different strokes for different folks. It's why marriage works for some and not for others. But just because I'm not all handsy with my DH, doesn't mean we're not happily married. I mean, I think he's appreciative that our relationship is pretty low maintenance now! He gets sex without having to "court" me!

See, this is EXACTLY my issue. Why can't spouses "court" each other more consistently throughout the marriage, really making the other person feel loved? I don't want to feel loved just because my husband stays with me. Why don't we want to court each other?

I am seriously just trying to have a conversation and not come off like I am trying to fight your point. I do see what you are saying, and I really didn't have a great example of marriage in my parents, so I am sincerely trying to understand.

Helenahhandbasket · June 2014

Disregard-- was able to edit.

Tink112011 · June 2014

hopefulmom81 said:

I also think my description is getting misconstrued, I don't mean goopy, gross love. I mean an aged romance, thinking about each other and trying to keep the other person engaged by doing nice things loved.

I think that "Nice things" change as you get older. That no longer means flowers and an expensive dinner out. DH will spontaneously clean my car, plan a vacation, make dinner, run out and pick up coffee in the morning... nothing glamorous but he is still doing it as a nice gesture and to make me happy. I'll throw a load of laundry in at 10pm when I realize he doesn't have clothes for the gym the next day. Aren't we a romantic pair

I've been through rough patches in all my long-term relationships, including my husband, mom, dad, brother, in-laws, best friends.

The hardest part of our marriage was having DS. That was a HUGE strain on our marriage and took a 6 month adjustment period. I told him that we would probably end up divorced if we had a second LO. That's why you find me on the OAD board

hopefulmom81 · June 2014

Tink112011 said:

hopefulmom81 said:

I also think my description is getting misconstrued, I don't mean goopy, gross love. I mean an aged romance, thinking about each other and trying to keep the other person engaged by doing nice things loved.

I think that "Nice things" change as you get older. That no longer means flowers and an expensive dinner out. DH will spontaneously clean my car, plan a vacation, make dinner, run out and pick up coffee in the morning... nothing glamorous but he is still doing it as a nice gesture and to make me happy. I'll throw a load of laundry in at 10pm when I realize he doesn't have clothes for the gym the next day. Aren't we a romantic pair
I've been through rough patches in all my long-term relationships, including my husband, mom, dad, brother, in-laws, best friends.
The hardest part of our marriage was having DS. That was a HUGE strain on our marriage and took a 6 month adjustment period. I told him that we would probably end up divorced if we had a second LO. That's why you find me on the OAD board

Actually, these things are exactly what I am talking about. I think those are totally romantic. I feel like I have to ASK for any of these things. DH doesn't really do anything spontaneously, and that is part of my problem.

He definitely does things for me, but they are usually prompted by a request.

Everything you described is "courting" the way I think about it.

Helenahhandbasket · June 2014

NamasteBiotches said:

I guess I might be the hopeless romantic of the group. I personally think that's realistic if you really do find the love of your life & someone you not only love but like. DH & I have been married for almost 5 years & together for almost 12 years so not sure if I count.
I mean, I don't think anyone is lovey dovey 24/7. Those that usually are in public are the ones that might be suffering in the home so they put on a show. For us, we really are each other's best friend, there's no one else we'd rather be with. Idk if it stems from meeting young or not but all I know is our life. Some times are not as lovey dovey as others but we have an almost 3 year old. Lol He's tiring. Every night when DS goes down for the night though, we spend that time together & that's usually when we connect for the day if it's been a rough one for either one of us. We'll watch tv, talk, hang out, act goofy. I look forward to it every night. I'd say we're probably different than a lot of people because we're always joking around, being sarcastic, sometimes even crude in the kitchen when DS is in another room LOL, I think it's all about being true friends in love & in a partnership. I've always wanted that in life so it's something that comes natural for me. Through the years, many friends/family have said that we're 'that' couple everyone thinks of when they think of true love/aspire to have in life. Don't hate me. :-S

I think this is amazing!

Tink112011 · June 2014

hopefulmom81 said:

Tink112011 said:

hopefulmom81 said:

I also think my description is getting misconstrued, I don't mean goopy, gross love. I mean an aged romance, thinking about each other and trying to keep the other person engaged by doing nice things loved.

I think that "Nice things" change as you get older. That no longer means flowers and an expensive dinner out. DH will spontaneously clean my car, plan a vacation, make dinner, run out and pick up coffee in the morning... nothing glamorous but he is still doing it as a nice gesture and to make me happy. I'll throw a load of laundry in at 10pm when I realize he doesn't have clothes for the gym the next day. Aren't we a romantic pair
I've been through rough patches in all my long-term relationships, including my husband, mom, dad, brother, in-laws, best friends.
The hardest part of our marriage was having DS. That was a HUGE strain on our marriage and took a 6 month adjustment period. I told him that we would probably end up divorced if we had a second LO. That's why you find me on the OAD board

Actually, these things are exactly what I am talking about. I think those are totally romantic. I feel like I have to ASK for any of these things. DH doesn't really do anything spontaneously, and that is part of my problem.

He definitely does things for me, but they are usually prompted by a request.

Everything you described is "courting" the way I think about it.

Those are the things that outsiders don't see though. So if you asked your first question to pepole who knew us, they probably wouldn't name us as the answer to your question. We probably look like we're just living day to day life.

When we are with a group of friends, DH and I hardly talk to each other. Because we see each other every day and are more interested in catching up with friends. Or one of us is chasing DS around so that the other can socialize. We probably look like we hate each other....

hopefulmom81 · June 2014

Tink112011 said:

hopefulmom81 said:

Tink112011 said:

hopefulmom81 said:

I also think my description is getting misconstrued, I don't mean goopy, gross love. I mean an aged romance, thinking about each other and trying to keep the other person engaged by doing nice things loved.

I think that "Nice things" change as you get older. That no longer means flowers and an expensive dinner out. DH will spontaneously clean my car, plan a vacation, make dinner, run out and pick up coffee in the morning... nothing glamorous but he is still doing it as a nice gesture and to make me happy. I'll throw a load of laundry in at 10pm when I realize he doesn't have clothes for the gym the next day. Aren't we a romantic pair
I've been through rough patches in all my long-term relationships, including my husband, mom, dad, brother, in-laws, best friends.
The hardest part of our marriage was having DS. That was a HUGE strain on our marriage and took a 6 month adjustment period. I told him that we would probably end up divorced if we had a second LO. That's why you find me on the OAD board

Actually, these things are exactly what I am talking about. I think those are totally romantic. I feel like I have to ASK for any of these things. DH doesn't really do anything spontaneously, and that is part of my problem.

He definitely does things for me, but they are usually prompted by a request.

Everything you described is "courting" the way I think about it.

Those are the things that outsiders don't see though. So if you asked your first question to pepole who knew us, they probably wouldn't name us as the answer to your question. We probably look like we're just living day to day life.
When we are with a group of friends, DH and I hardly talk to each other. Because we see each other every day and are more interested in catching up with friends. Or one of us is chasing DS around so that the other can socialize. We probably look like we hate each other....

This is a FANTASTIC point. Well said @Tink.

Tink112011 · June 2014

hopefulmom81 said:

Tink112011 said:

Helenahhandbasket said:

Tink112011 said:

No, I don't know any couples like the one you described. But I guess the difference is that I think relationships have natural stages, and I don't want or expect to be "goo goo eyes" and all handsy with DH anymore.

I expect to be his lifelong partner and companion, and that means I expect things to get a little flat. The lifelong companion part is more important to me than acting like we're in the first 6 months of our relationship.
While I agree with this 100%, this is the reason marriage doesn't work for me, personally. I can't imagine one person being able be compatible with me in every stage of life.

I have seen first hand that some people NEED the highs of a new relationship. My BFF keeps every guy for 6-12 months, then dumps them when the high wears off.
Me? I'm a pretty even-keeled and constant person. The thought of going through that cycle over and over and over again sounds awful!
So... different strokes for different folks. It's why marriage works for some and not for others. But just because I'm not all handsy with my DH, doesn't mean we're not happily married. I mean, I think he's appreciative that our relationship is pretty low maintenance now! He gets sex without having to "court" me!

See, this is EXACTLY my issue. Why can't spouses "court" each other more consistently throughout the marriage, really making the other person feel loved? I don't want to feel loved just because my husband stays with me. Why don't we want to court each other?

I am seriously just trying to have a conversation and not come off like I am trying to fight your point. I do see what you are saying, and I really didn't have a great example of marriage in my parents, so I am sincerely trying to understand.

My parents' marriage sucked too. I was so glad that they divorced when I was 17....

Maybe since I grew up watching an emotionally abusive marriage, I am more content with a middle ground of content and low maintenance, rather than volative and abusive. I never expected romance, I suppose.

hopefulmom81 · June 2014

Tink112011 said:

hopefulmom81 said:

Tink112011 said:

Helenahhandbasket said:

Tink112011 said:

No, I don't know any couples like the one you described. But I guess the difference is that I think relationships have natural stages, and I don't want or expect to be "goo goo eyes" and all handsy with DH anymore.

I expect to be his lifelong partner and companion, and that means I expect things to get a little flat. The lifelong companion part is more important to me than acting like we're in the first 6 months of our relationship.
While I agree with this 100%, this is the reason marriage doesn't work for me, personally. I can't imagine one person being able be compatible with me in every stage of life.

I have seen first hand that some people NEED the highs of a new relationship. My BFF keeps every guy for 6-12 months, then dumps them when the high wears off.
Me? I'm a pretty even-keeled and constant person. The thought of going through that cycle over and over and over again sounds awful!
So... different strokes for different folks. It's why marriage works for some and not for others. But just because I'm not all handsy with my DH, doesn't mean we're not happily married. I mean, I think he's appreciative that our relationship is pretty low maintenance now! He gets sex without having to "court" me!

See, this is EXACTLY my issue. Why can't spouses "court" each other more consistently throughout the marriage, really making the other person feel loved? I don't want to feel loved just because my husband stays with me. Why don't we want to court each other?

I am seriously just trying to have a conversation and not come off like I am trying to fight your point. I do see what you are saying, and I really didn't have a great example of marriage in my parents, so I am sincerely trying to understand.

My parents' marriage sucked too. I was so glad that they divorced when I was 17....
Maybe since I grew up watching an emotionally abusive marriage, I am more content with a middle ground of content and low maintenance, rather than volative and abusive. I never expected romance, I suppose.

Yes, and my parents didn't divorce, so I see the low maintenance/indifference (not that it IS indifference, just that it appears so when it is flat) as the really bad sign.

They went from volatile to indifferent, so perhaps when DH and I are flat I feel like it is the end.

EPIPHANY!

Helenahhandbasket · June 2014

Look, people get married for all different reasons. The stay together for all different reasons, and they divorce for all different reasons.

I don't think anyone will argue that relationships ebb and flow, but we get to decide how much ebb we are willing to put up with individually.

Tink112011 · June 2014

hopefulmom81 said:

Tink112011 said:

hopefulmom81 said:

Tink112011 said:

Helenahhandbasket said:

Tink112011 said:

No, I don't know any couples like the one you described. But I guess the difference is that I think relationships have natural stages, and I don't want or expect to be "goo goo eyes" and all handsy with DH anymore.

I expect to be his lifelong partner and companion, and that means I expect things to get a little flat. The lifelong companion part is more important to me than acting like we're in the first 6 months of our relationship.
While I agree with this 100%, this is the reason marriage doesn't work for me, personally. I can't imagine one person being able be compatible with me in every stage of life.

I have seen first hand that some people NEED the highs of a new relationship. My BFF keeps every guy for 6-12 months, then dumps them when the high wears off.
Me? I'm a pretty even-keeled and constant person. The thought of going through that cycle over and over and over again sounds awful!
So... different strokes for different folks. It's why marriage works for some and not for others. But just because I'm not all handsy with my DH, doesn't mean we're not happily married. I mean, I think he's appreciative that our relationship is pretty low maintenance now! He gets sex without having to "court" me!

See, this is EXACTLY my issue. Why can't spouses "court" each other more consistently throughout the marriage, really making the other person feel loved? I don't want to feel loved just because my husband stays with me. Why don't we want to court each other?

I am seriously just trying to have a conversation and not come off like I am trying to fight your point. I do see what you are saying, and I really didn't have a great example of marriage in my parents, so I am sincerely trying to understand.

My parents' marriage sucked too. I was so glad that they divorced when I was 17....
Maybe since I grew up watching an emotionally abusive marriage, I am more content with a middle ground of content and low maintenance, rather than volative and abusive. I never expected romance, I suppose.

Yes, and my parents didn't divorce, so I see the low maintenance/indifference (not that it IS indifference, just that it appears so when it is flat) as the really bad sign.

They went from volatile to indifferent, so perhaps when DH and I are flat I feel like it is the end.

EPIPHANY!

OOOHH. Yes, then I can definitely see why you view flat as such a negative. Makes sense. I'm sorry your parents didn't divorce. They are both so much happier now (and both re-married). I wish they had divorced sooner.

hopefulmom81 · June 2014

NamasteBiotches said:

hopefulmom81 said:

Tink112011 said:

hopefulmom81 said:

Tink112011 said:

Helenahhandbasket said:

Tink112011 said:

No, I don't know any couples like the one you described. But I guess the difference is that I think relationships have natural stages, and I don't want or expect to be "goo goo eyes" and all handsy with DH anymore.

I expect to be his lifelong partner and companion, and that means I expect things to get a little flat. The lifelong companion part is more important to me than acting like we're in the first 6 months of our relationship.
While I agree with this 100%, this is the reason marriage doesn't work for me, personally. I can't imagine one person being able be compatible with me in every stage of life.

I have seen first hand that some people NEED the highs of a new relationship. My BFF keeps every guy for 6-12 months, then dumps them when the high wears off.
Me? I'm a pretty even-keeled and constant person. The thought of going through that cycle over and over and over again sounds awful!
So... different strokes for different folks. It's why marriage works for some and not for others. But just because I'm not all handsy with my DH, doesn't mean we're not happily married. I mean, I think he's appreciative that our relationship is pretty low maintenance now! He gets sex without having to "court" me!

See, this is EXACTLY my issue. Why can't spouses "court" each other more consistently throughout the marriage, really making the other person feel loved? I don't want to feel loved just because my husband stays with me. Why don't we want to court each other?

I am seriously just trying to have a conversation and not come off like I am trying to fight your point. I do see what you are saying, and I really didn't have a great example of marriage in my parents, so I am sincerely trying to understand.

My parents' marriage sucked too. I was so glad that they divorced when I was 17....
Maybe since I grew up watching an emotionally abusive marriage, I am more content with a middle ground of content and low maintenance, rather than volative and abusive. I never expected romance, I suppose.

Yes, and my parents didn't divorce, so I see the low maintenance/indifference (not that it IS indifference, just that it appears so when it is flat) as the really bad sign.

They went from volatile to indifferent, so perhaps when DH and I are flat I feel like it is the end.

EPIPHANY!

I don't recall but was he open to counseling? Maybe that could help. Or you guys sit down & have a heart to heart to talk about your concerns.. see if he's feeling the same way. I'm sorry you're feeling this way & that your parents weren't a good example.

Well, see the thing is we are pretty good at sitting down and discussing concerns, but the overall pattern doesn't really change. I feel like we have a GREAT friendship and are able to talk to each other. We are missing that "thing". I can't describe it, but when I look at him, I don't WANT him in that husbandly way, does that make sense? I love being around him and think he is great, but something is just missing.

Things aren't bad, but I think it goes with what @helenahhandbasket said about deciding how much ebb and flow works for you.

ETA: Yes, he is open to counseling

TittsMcGee · June 2014

I don't know any couples that have been married 10+ years that are like this.

My cousin has been with her husband for 10 years and married for 7 and they seem to have the "perfect marriage". He occasionally surprises her with a trip out of the country for the two of them or she has a beach getaway with her friends. I think they're doing it for the show but at least they keep the romance alive somehow.

The romance in our marriage is pretty much nonexistent. We are struggling.

hopefulmom81 · June 2014

NamasteBiotches said:

@hopefulmom81, if it's okay to be brutally honest, it sounds to me like you might have fallen out of love with him. That's the 'thing' you might be missing.
Kind of like you acknowledge he IS an awesome guy but just not the one for you?

Always okay to be brutally honest. I appreciate being called out on things that seem to be under the surface. I think I am in the process of falling out of love. I just emailed a couple's counselor that I like him immensely, but am having a hard time feeling in love with him.

It is really hard to admit because he is a total sweetheart. Many women would feel super lucky to be married to him, and I just wonder why I am struggling so much.

I am hoping a therapist with a fresh set of eyes and opinions can help decipher what is going on.

Helenahhandbasket · June 2014

Hugs @tittsmcgee.

TittsMcGee · June 2014

Thanks @helenahhandbasket.

I think we're headed towards a divorce too but I am still holding onto hope that our marriage can be saved for DS' sake.

Tink112011 · June 2014

hopefulmom81 said:

NamasteBiotches said:

@hopefulmom81, if it's okay to be brutally honest, it sounds to me like you might have fallen out of love with him. That's the 'thing' you might be missing.
Kind of like you acknowledge he IS an awesome guy but just not the one for you?

Always okay to be brutally honest. I appreciate being called out on things that seem to be under the surface. I think I am in the process of falling out of love. I just emailed a couple's counselor that I like him immensely, but am having a hard time feeling in love with him.

It is really hard to admit because he is a total sweetheart. Many women would feel super lucky to be married to him, and I just wonder why I am struggling so much.

I am hoping a therapist with a fresh set of eyes and opinions can help decipher what is going on.

Oh hugs, that is tough. Is there any room in your budget for a couples vacation? Getting away just the two of us has proven to be mandatory for our marriage. It helps me fall back in love when we're both getting complacent.

I've been thinking to myself about how life is just plain tough. There are some many complexities, between finances, careers, relationships, emotions, health... such a juggling act. Your feelings are very understandable.

Helenahhandbasket · June 2014

@tittsmcgee my lovetits are support. Please PM me if you need to talk/ vent.

TittsMcGee · June 2014

Helenahhandbasket said:

@tittsmcgee my lovetits are support. Please PM me if you need to talk/ vent.

Thank you. I know you understand because you're dealing with it right now.

We've always had problems but we would work them out, well sort of. The only thing keeping us together is DS. I've slowly started falling out of love and we've disconnected a long time ago. There is no romance and sex feels like a chore. To be honest he's always cared about himself and his desires never mine.

I haven't talked to anyone IRL about this because I have no one that I can confide in, well other than my mom.

We aren't really talking right now so that makes things harder.

Helenahhandbasket · June 2014

TittsMcGee said:

Helenahhandbasket said:

@tittsmcgee my lovetits are support. Please PM me if you need to talk/ vent.

Thank you. I know you understand because you're dealing with it right now.

We've always had problems but we would work them out, well sort of. The only thing keeping us together is DS. I've slowly started falling out of love and we've disconnected a long time ago. There is no romance and sex feels like a chore. To be honest he's always cared about himself and his desires never mine.

I haven't talked to anyone IRL about this because I have no one that I can confide in, well other than my mom.

We aren't really talking right now so that makes things harder.

Crap, that sucks, but I can relate to all of it. I didn't realize it was so bad.

TittsMcGee · June 2014

That's just the tip of the iceberg @helenahhandbasket. Its really bad and I feel dumb for putting up with it and willing to work things out after everything.

But I am putting DS' well being ahead of mine not realizing that he will be better off with 2 happy homes than one unhappy.

TittsMcGee · June 2014

Thank you everyone.

I am glad we have such a wonderful group of ladies.

TiffanyBerry · June 2014

Yes, I know one couple like this. And a lot of it is because the wife has a kind a creative, endless energy that can fuel this sort of thing. But it just takes a lot of work.

Honestly, I think that couples who are less "lovey-dovey" romantic and more pragmatic tend to stay married longer. They are still quite happy; they don't necessarily want the romance the same way.

But they DO think about their partners and do things for them - but little things, and partner specific things. I make things that I know my husband likes best for dinner often (we've been married 12 years). A friend's husband will play the ukulele for her sometimes (they are both more romantic) (they have been married 9 or 10 years), and my in-laws go dancing (for the dancing, but they also go for each other) (they've been married 40+ years).

But when you are deeply invested in a marriage for a long time, it's more like doing romantic/thoughtful things for yourself. Because the joint entity that is you/spouse is just as real as the person that is yourself.

That's my take on it, any way.

Chapter79 · June 2014

I've been married almost 10 years.. in exactly 1 month (7/27) it will be 10 years. eeek! We're very much in love. Are we puppies and rainbows? No. Does my heart race when he walks in a room? No. We've evolved and changed, but not in a bad way. Now, I look at him with love in my eyes when I watch him play ball with our daughter. Different things make me "re love" him all over. We still hold hands, we kiss, and he's my best friend. I can't imagine a day without him.

Are we perfect? Nope. But we're soul mates. And I CAN picture my life with him, and the thought of him not there makes my heart skip a beat.

We did have a rough patch when Alexis was around 1.. we had struggles. But it was worked out, and it made us stronger.

I think everyone views marriage differently and that's a big thing to remember. I was NEVER googly eyed and heart skippy with H. Doesn't mean I love him any less. But 10 years is pretty dang good to me

jellybean529 · June 2014

I agree with @helenahhandbasket's POV. Marriage is great for some. I never believed in it, did it anyway, and it did not work out. Would I do it again? It would take a LOT to convince me to go down that path again. I'd love to be in love and have it last a lifetime...but I don't feel the need to be married per se.

I do know a few couples with great marriages...there was one that went to our UU church up north. They were in their early 70s and still held hands and the wife would rest her head on her husband's shoulder at times. It was SO sweet. Then a good friend of mine from HS has been married to her husband for 13 years and they still post sappy sweet stuff to each other on Facebook all the time (ew...but I digress).

I'm so sorry @helenahhandbasket @tittsmcgee and @hopefulmom81 for what you're going through -- and any others having trouble in their marriage. If you wanna talk to someone who's BTDT please don't hesitate to reach out to me.

meo34 · June 2014

First off, I want to send HUGS to the folks having trouble in their relationships. That sucks

.

So totally not meant in a douchy/braggy way but since the question was asked, I will admit myself and DH who have been married 15 years are head over heals with each other. Now we are not all grabby and gross in public but in private we can't get enough of each other. So that is the physical aspect. I find it hard to understand folks who tell me they and their spouse are not physically interested in each other....does not compute. lol.

That is the physical part. In a romantic why we are always doing things for each other, it could be something big or something small and simple. For example we did a cheesy challenge for our anniversary where we had to give something but not spend any money on it. So I did a video for DH to the song "Still into You" <gag> and he did some photo editing and wrote out love with a picture collage. I bake him muffins, he cleans my car. When we are apart we always pick each other up little presents to show we are thinking of each other.

We talk constantly and never seem to run out of things to say. We do date nights at home and cook amazing meals together. So there is a lot of connection on so many levels. We have great debates and amazing conversations.

He is my best friend and has been my rock through a lot of tough times.

Honestly, I do think this is rare. But there is one other couple who we are friends with who have this (not exactly the same way but you can see genuine love and passion.

So does it exist but unfortunately not easy to come by.

gwendarling · June 2014

Chapter79 said:

I've been married almost 10 years.. in exactly 1 month (7/27) it will be 10 years. eeek! We're very much in love. Are we puppies and rainbows? No. Does my heart race when he walks in a room? No. We've evolved and changed, but not in a bad way. Now, I look at him with love in my eyes when I watch him play ball with our daughter. Different things make me "re love" him all over. We still hold hands, we kiss, and he's my best friend. I can't imagine a day without him.

Are we perfect? Nope. But we're soul mates. And I CAN picture my life with him, and the thought of him not there makes my heart skip a beat.

We did have a rough patch when Alexis was around 1.. we had struggles. But it was worked out, and it made us stronger.

I think everyone views marriage differently and that's a big thing to remember. I was NEVER googly eyed and heart skippy with H. Doesn't mean I love him any less. But 10 years is pretty dang good to me

I hope this is us in a few years - We've been together for about 13 years now, and married for almost 7 years, and our relationship has certainly changed, but I still feel so connected to him. I love that we have changed together and are respectful and considerate of that; in fact, we've helped and encouraged change for each other.

We are in a period in our life where DD is becoming independent and going to school and we are focusing on our careers (for me, focusing again; for him, focusing on growing his career). We're always tired, and while sex may take a backseat to sleep more often than not, we are always affectionate and playful.

and like chapter, I always fall in love all over again when I see him with DD.

Also, I think he's hot.

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