Single Parents
LindseyG2010
member
Stressed - looking for helpful (not mean) opinions
LindseyG2010
member
So this might be an unusual topic but I thought I might get some unbiased opinions from you all (and maybe I just need to do some venting!), so here goes....thanks in advance!
My oldest brother (34 y.o) is dating a new girl (30 y.o) - they've been together for about 4 months and are "completely in love" (like annoying, high school, don't care what anyone thinks, honeymoon phase, etc.) However, she's still married to another man! She is set to be divorced next week....she married a man that she had been with for over 6 years, although the marriage only lasted about 4 months. She went straight from her husband to my brother and even moved in with my brother right from her husband's house. Now trust me, I'm shaking just typing this because it is infuriating to me that she would do that, he would be a part of that, and that they could think that they have a fairy tale romance when they have such a messed up back story...I love my brother and want him to be happy, so if she is "the one" then great...but how could he really know after only 4 months and with all the messed up circumstances....?
So here's where the single-parenting comes in....I am one. I know how hard it is and how miserable it can make you feel, not to mention it's hard on the child(ren) involved and, although common these days, still not ideal or fair to anyone. So my brother wants to propose to his girlfriend in September.....SEPTEMBER! after about 6 months of dating and most of that time she was still married.....I'm just beside myself and I don't know what to say to him....and I'm very, very afraid that they will get married and have a kid right away because they want a family. I wouldn't wish single-parenthood upon anyone and I certainly don't want it for my brother because, at this point, it's completely preventable - if they would just SLOW DOWN!!!
I've told him not to rush things and that no matter how he feels now, they still don't know each other and things could change, etc. on and on and on, but they don't care and they have decided that, the people who care about them most will be there for them no matter what. So I guess my question is, would I be wrong to not participate in their engagement/wedding...?? I don't want bad blood, but I just don't know that I can be there to support it when I really think it's a bad decision....
I love my brother and I want him to be happy but he is obviously rushing things because they're "in love" - I'm not saying that love can't happen this way - I just want him to be sure before he starts making all these huge commitments to someone he hardly knows....and again, having a child with someone he hardly knows and then there's a 50/50 chance (probably even higher) that they won't even stay together...I feel like there's nothing anyone could say to them to make them change their minds, so what do I do?! This may just be a lost cause, because they don't care what anyone says, but I'm just hoping I can do something even if it's the tiniest thing, to make them realize that there is no rush and it might be a mistake if they do....ugh 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Stressed - looking for helpful (not mean) opinions
Throwing leaves
If this girl is so quick to start a new relationship while still married, what makes your brother think that she won't do it to him? Once a cheater... Just saying...
Did she leave her husband for him, or were they already separated? I dated someone who was married but in the process of divorce, which unfortunately somtimes can take years. Wasn't a big deal. They had been living separately for a year by the time I met him. Their divorce was finalized 1 month after we broke up, ironically, for completely unrelated reasons. Other than moving a little too quickly/risk of rebounding, I don't see why this is a big deal.
If they were separated I don't see anything wrong with this. I'm separated and if I started a new relationship now (I am still married) I don't think there is anything wrong with that cause to me, my marriage is over. Just waiting for the court to catch up with our lives.
It's not for you to say or judge. Your job as a sister is to hope for the best, offer an opinion but then shut your mouth and be there to pick up the pieces when needed.
If she cheated, I have a whole different opinion though cause I really don't agree with that and I think they are both way in the wrong.
Ahem.
I am currently still married to my husband. We've been separated since June 2012. I met my S/O some time after that.
Sometimes, getting a divorce takes a long time. Do I wish it was done by now? Hell yes. But it's not. My marriage is over in every way but legally. I can't go any faster than the court system and what the lawyers are doing. I am not their only case.
It doesn't make me a cheater or a shitty person. I have nothing to hide. I left my husband because he was emotionally and verbally abusive to me, and that was not a household I could raise my DD and his DD in. It was absolute misery.
S/O saved my life. I have a nice family now. I have a baby on the way. I am so thankful for that. I have a right to go on with my life without being legally divorced.
I put more stock into this 1+ year relationship I have now (where we said I love you to each other after only two weeks of dating) than I did with an almost 10 year relationship that included a marriage.
You're being overly judgy. Let them be in love.
"Your truth is different from my truth, and we're both right."
TTC since March 2013. BFP 4/13/13, blighted ovum discovered 6/6/13, m/c 6/8/13.
BFP 11/10/13, EDD 7/25/13 - stick little owlet!
Thats all ive got to say ive only just skimmed over the other post.
I left in June 2012, but it took me till Septemberish of 2013 to save up for a retainer fee to hire a lawyer, since I had to first pay down some debt he caused me.
I filed for divorce in October 2013 and since he won't agree to give me anything monetary (which is very normal in IL), we have to go to court and have a judge decide for us.
So since last October its been paperwork back and forth between our lawyers looking at both our finances, and the proof I showed that I paid half the mortgage, half of any home inprovements, and I was forced to file taxes separately as married which caused an $8,000 IRS bill.
As long as two parties are in some kind of agreement, it doesn't take as long. He won't give me what is legally entitled to me in our state, so that's why mine is taking so long. It really sucks.
"Your truth is different from my truth, and we're both right."
TTC since March 2013. BFP 4/13/13, blighted ovum discovered 6/6/13, m/c 6/8/13.
BFP 11/10/13, EDD 7/25/13 - stick little owlet!
I left in June 2012, but it took me till Septemberish of 2013 to save up for a retainer fee to hire a lawyer, since I had to first pay down some debt he caused me.
I filed for divorce in October 2013 and since he won't agree to give me anything monetary (which is very normal in IL), we have to go to court and have a judge decide for us.
So since last October its been paperwork back and forth between our lawyers looking at both our finances, and the proof I showed that I paid half the mortgage, half of any home inprovements, and I was forced to file taxes separately as married which caused an $8,000 IRS bill.
As long as two parties are in some kind of agreement, it doesn't take as long. He won't give me what is legally entitled to me in our state, so that's why mine is taking so long. It really sucks.
I think this is the path I am headed down - we can't agree on anything.You need to pull your head in and although you don't agree with the situation you need to grin and bear it and be a sister to your brother, he nor his girlfriend answer to you or need you to approve their decisions in life!
What you need to do is wish them the best and every happiness and then let them live their lives however they see fit.
Honestly as much as it hurts you, you just cannot dictate to any adult how you feel appropriate for them to live their life and conduct themselves.
You need to rise above all this and be the best sister you can, you've voiced your opinion and now you just need to be an alley and not an enemy.