Stressed - looking for helpful (not mean) opinions

LindseyG2010

So this might be an unusual topic but I thought I might get some unbiased opinions from you all (and maybe I just need to do some venting!), so here goes....thanks in advance!

My oldest brother (34 y.o) is dating a new girl (30 y.o) - they've been together for about 4 months and are "completely in love" (like annoying, high school, don't care what anyone thinks, honeymoon phase, etc.)  However, she's still married to another man!  She is set to be divorced next week....she married a man that she had been with for over 6 years, although the marriage only lasted about 4 months.  She went straight from her husband to my brother and even moved in with my brother right from her husband's house.  Now trust me, I'm shaking just typing this because it is infuriating to me that she would do that, he would be a part of that, and that they could think that they have a fairy tale romance when they have such a messed up back story...I love my brother and want him to be happy, so if she is "the one" then great...but how could he really know after only 4 months and with all the messed up circumstances....?

So here's where the single-parenting comes in....I am one.  I know how hard it is and how miserable it can make you feel, not to mention it's hard on the child(ren) involved and, although common these days, still not ideal or fair to anyone.  So my brother wants to propose to his girlfriend in September.....SEPTEMBER!  after about 6 months of dating and most of that time she was still married.....I'm just beside myself and I don't know what to say to him....and I'm very, very afraid that they will get married and have a kid right away because they want a family.  I wouldn't wish single-parenthood upon anyone and I certainly don't want it for my brother because, at this point, it's completely preventable - if they would just SLOW DOWN!!!

I've told him not to rush things and that no matter how he feels now, they still don't know each other and things could change, etc. on and on and on, but they don't care and they have decided that, the people who care about them most will be there for them no matter what.  So I guess my question is, would I be wrong to not participate in their engagement/wedding...??  I don't want bad blood, but I just don't know that I can be there to support it when I really think it's a bad decision....

I love my brother and I want him to be happy but he is obviously rushing things because they're "in love" - I'm not saying that love can't happen this way - I just want him to be sure before he starts making all these huge commitments to someone he hardly knows....and again, having a child with someone he hardly knows and then there's a 50/50 chance (probably even higher) that they won't even stay together...I feel like there's nothing anyone could say to them to make them change their minds, so what do I do?!  This may just be a lost cause, because they don't care what anyone says, but I'm just hoping I can do something even if it's the tiniest thing, to make them realize that there is no rush and it might be a mistake if they do....ugh

jellybean529

Is he happy? Is she happy? Do they treat each other well? If so, I'd stay out of it, honestly. There's a 50/50 chance they will split up even if they date for ten years  (XH and I were together 13 and married 8!). They're adults in their 30s, they can make their own decisions about their dating life/engagement/marriage. Unless someone's life is in danger it's not your place to intervene.

As far as your support/participation, totally up to you, but if my sister were to opt out of my wedding plans because she thought it was a "bad idea" then there would most definitely be bad blood.

20thirteen

I'm sorry, dude, I don't really think there is anything you could do. I wouldn't participate in the festivities if I felt that strongly against it. I'm currently not on speaking terms with my sister because of her shitty boyfriend and their shitty lifestyle (asking me for money because "wah! I don't have enough for rent!" After they spend all their money on drugs and partying).

If this girl is so quick to start a new relationship while still married, what makes your brother think that she won't do it to him? Once a cheater... Just saying...

LindseyG2010

Roxalot said:

I'm sorry, dude, I don't really think there is anything you could do. I wouldn't participate in the festivities if I felt that strongly against it. I'm currently not on speaking terms with my sister because of her shitty boyfriend and their shitty lifestyle (asking me for money because "wah! I don't have enough for rent!" After they spend all their money on drugs and partying). If this girl is so quick to start a new relationship while still married, what makes your brother think that she won't do it to him? Once a cheater... Just saying...

Exactly...this is why I don't understand...he's been in this situation before, where he met a girl who was with someone else, they started dating, and then she did the exact same thing to him - left him for another guy!  it's happened to him twice - I completely agree with "once a cheater, always a cheater" - I don't know why he is so blind when he knows that this is what happens...it's so frustrating. she's a really nice girl and I like her and I like that they're both happy but I just can't bring myself to believe that she won't leave him just like she left her husband....

tig594

I can completely see where you're coming from and I would most likely feel the same way you do. However, there really is nothing you can do except hope like hell he opens his eyes and sees what's he's doing.  I would also be on the fence about participating in his wedding, etc., but realize that if you don't support him it will surely cause big problems in your relationship.  Good luck!

EmeraldCity84

Did she leave her husband for him, or were they already separated?  I dated someone who was married but in the process of divorce, which unfortunately somtimes can take years.  Wasn't a big deal.  They had been living separately for a year by the time I met him. Their divorce was finalized 1 month after we broke up, ironically, for completely unrelated reasons. Other than moving a little too quickly/risk of rebounding, I don't see why this is a big deal.

LindseyG2010

EmeraldCity84 said:

Did she leave her husband for him, or were they already separated?  I dated someone who was married but in the process of divorce, which unfortunately somtimes can take years.  Wasn't a big deal.  They had been living separately for a year by the time I met him. Their divorce was finalized 1 month after we broke up, ironically, for completely unrelated reasons. Other than moving a little too quickly/risk of rebounding, I don't see why this is a big deal.

They say that she was planning on leaving her husband anyways, before my brother came along...but how convenient that he's there for her right when she decides to get divorced and needs a place to go.  I don't doubt that she was unhappy, but I think she took the opportunity of having a new boyfriend who takes care of her, etc. to leave her husband.  She hadn't filed for the divorce until after she was already with my brother.

I'm afraid that it is a rebound...if her 6+ years with him was so bad, she might just enjoy that my brother treats her better...but he's not necessarily her soul mate just because he treats her better than her sh*tty ex-husband..right?! 

freeatlast2014

So she cheated on her husband with your brother?
If they were separated I don't see anything wrong with this. I'm separated and if I started a new relationship now (I am still married) I don't think there is anything wrong with that cause to me, my marriage is over. Just waiting for the court to catch up with our lives.
It's not for you to say or judge. Your job as a sister is to hope for the best, offer an opinion but then shut your mouth and be there to pick up the pieces when needed.
If she cheated, I have a whole different opinion though cause I really don't agree with that and I think they are both way in the wrong.

LindseyG2010

MrsLynnyD said:

So she cheated on her husband with your brother? If they were separated I don't see anything wrong with this. I'm separated and if I started a new relationship now (I am still married) I don't think there is anything wrong with that cause to me, my marriage is over. Just waiting for the court to catch up with our lives. It's not for you to say or judge. Your job as a sister is to hope for the best, offer an opinion but then shut your mouth and be there to pick up the pieces when needed. If she cheated, I have a whole different opinion though cause I really don't agree with that and I think they are both way in the wrong.

As far as I'm concerned, she cheated.  Because she is still married and was still living with her husband and had not even filed for divorce when they got together.  She then moved out of her husband's house into her boyfriend's house (my brother's house)...they deny it up and down that she left her husband for my brother, but I don't see how it could be completely unrelated.  I think they're lying to themselves (and everyone else).

tealowl

Ahem.

I am currently still married to my husband. We've been separated since June 2012. I met my S/O some time after that.

Sometimes, getting a divorce takes a long time. Do I wish it was done by now? Hell yes. But it's not. My marriage is over in every way but legally. I can't go any faster than the court system and what the lawyers are doing. I am not their only case.

It doesn't make me a cheater or a shitty person. I have nothing to hide. I left my husband because he was emotionally and verbally abusive to me, and that was not a household I could raise my DD and his DD in. It was absolute misery.

S/O saved my life. I have a nice family now. I have a baby on the way. I am so thankful for that. I have a right to go on with my life without being legally divorced.

I put more stock into this 1+ year relationship I have now (where we said I love you to each other after only two weeks of dating) than I did with an almost 10 year relationship that included a marriage.

You're being overly judgy. Let them be in love. 

freeatlast2014

@LindseyG2010‌ I can see where you are coming from. I know I wouldn't want to see my brother in a position like that either. But, I think at this point if they are denying it than you can't really do anything at all. They could end up married for the next 50 years and they will never forgive you for not taking part in their happiness. And especially when/if they do have kids you won't want there to be bad blood. Just think about it.

LindseyG2010

tealowl said:

Ahem.

I am currently still married to my husband. We've been separated since June 2012. I met my S/O some time after that.

Sometimes, getting a divorce takes a long time. Do I wish it was done by now? Hell yes. But it's not. My marriage is over in every way but legally. I can't go any faster than the court system and what the lawyers are doing. I am not their only case.

It doesn't make me a cheater or a shitty person. I have nothing to hide. I left my husband because he was emotionally and verbally abusive to me, and that was not a household I could raise my DD and his DD in. It was absolute misery.

S/O saved my life. I have a nice family now. I have a baby on the way. I am so thankful for that. I have a right to go on with my life without being legally divorced.

I put more stock into this 1+ year relationship I have now (where we said I love you to each other after only two weeks of dating) than I did with an almost 10 year relationship that included a marriage.

You're being overly judgy. Let them be in love. 

I'm sorry for your situation, but it's very different from my brother's...and I'm sorry if I offended you, because I am not being judgey of other people's situations - everyone is different.

In this situation she was never even "separated" from her husband before she met my brother.  Being separated and finding a new relationship is fine.  I understand that divorce can take a long time.  However, she didn't even file for divorce until after she moved into my brother's house and already had a relationship.  So I appreciate your side of the story, but it is a completely different situation.

I'm glad it worked out for you, and I hope to God that it works out for my brother...

LindseyG2010

MrsLynnyD said:

@LindseyG2010‌ I can see where you are coming from. I know I wouldn't want to see my brother in a position like that either. But, I think at this point if they are denying it than you can't really do anything at all. They could end up married for the next 50 years and they will never forgive you for not taking part in their happiness. And especially when/if they do have kids you won't want there to be bad blood. Just think about it.

It really sucks, because when I got pregnant my brother came to me and was almost crying and told me that he was worried for me and how things would turn out.  And here I am, a single mom, just as he feared I would be.  And now I feel like I'm in his position....and I'm just afraid of the worst because it happens all the time, to everyday people, even when you think "it won't happen to me, we're in love".....it's so sad and so hard to just sit by and watch......

jesuisfatiguee

MYOB? If you don't agree with the marriage, then I'd let him know and do the bare minimum (or nothing at all). 

You're not going to be able to stop two consenting adults from doing whatever the hell they want. You can offer your brother your opinion, some advice, some concerns, but don't expect that to control his actions. 

Try not to get too personally wrapped up in this. You can still love your brother even if you don't support his actions. 

freeatlast2014

@tealowl‌ why is your divorce taking so long? My ex filed end of feb but I ended up pursuing a final PO which set us back quite a bit I thought. But I am still hoping to settle by the end of the year. Your post is making me nervous....

MinnesotaMomma91

Im not even going to sugar coat but here it is. Your brothers a big boy he can make his own choices and desicions. Do you have to like it? No. Do you have to accept it and move on? Yes. Do you have participate in the engagment/wedding? No. But be prepared that this could put a strain on your relationship with your brother.

Thats all ive got to say ive only just skimmed over the other post.

tealowl

MrsLynnyD said:

@tealowl‌ why is your divorce taking so long? My ex filed end of feb but I ended up pursuing a final PO which set us back quite a bit I thought. But I am still hoping to settle by the end of the year. Your post is making me nervous....

I left in June 2012, but it took me till Septemberish of 2013 to save up for a retainer fee to hire a lawyer, since I had to first pay down some debt he caused me.

I filed for divorce in October 2013 and since he won't agree to give me anything monetary (which is very normal in IL), we have to go to court and have a judge decide for us.

So since last October its been paperwork back and forth between our lawyers looking at both our finances, and the proof I showed that I paid half the mortgage, half of any home inprovements, and I was forced to file taxes separately as married which caused an $8,000 IRS bill.

As long as two parties are in some kind of agreement, it doesn't take as long. He won't give me what is legally entitled to me in our state, so that's why mine is taking so long. It really sucks.

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freeatlast2014

tealowl said:

MrsLynnyD said:

@tealowl‌ why is your divorce taking so long? My ex filed end of feb but I ended up pursuing a final PO which set us back quite a bit I thought. But I am still hoping to settle by the end of the year. Your post is making me nervous....

I left in June 2012, but it took me till Septemberish of 2013 to save up for a retainer fee to hire a lawyer, since I had to first pay down some debt he caused me.

I filed for divorce in October 2013 and since he won't agree to give me anything monetary (which is very normal in IL), we have to go to court and have a judge decide for us.

So since last October its been paperwork back and forth between our lawyers looking at both our finances, and the proof I showed that I paid half the mortgage, half of any home inprovements, and I was forced to file taxes separately as married which caused an $8,000 IRS bill.

As long as two parties are in some kind of agreement, it doesn't take as long. He won't give me what is legally entitled to me in our state, so that's why mine is taking so long. It really sucks.

I think this is the path I am headed down - we can't agree on anything.

OneBlessedMumma

Well I guess the bottom line is actually its not any of your business
You need to pull your head in and although you don't agree with the situation you need to grin and bear it and be a sister to your brother, he nor his girlfriend answer to you or need you to approve their decisions in life!
What you need to do is wish them the best and every happiness and then let them live their lives however they see fit.
Honestly as much as it hurts you, you just cannot dictate to any adult how you feel appropriate for them to live their life and conduct themselves.
You need to rise above all this and be the best sister you can, you've voiced your opinion and now you just need to be an alley and not an enemy.