Hoping...

emilynicole81 · June 2014

Hope. It's a funny thing. It can be the only thing you've got left and the same thing that's completely breaking you...

I'm new to this whole thing, so bare with me. I've maybe avoided joining any kind of support group or forum because... because? I really don't know. Maybe it would make this all too real? It seemed maybe a little self indulgent... Who knows, but I'm here now, hoping to find some common ground. Hoping I'm not the only woman feeling completely broken and fighting hopelessness with every breath I've got.

A little about me... I've been married for 2 years now and was diagnosed with PCOS 2.5 years ago. It's strange, I had completely normal cycles, like to the minute, until the second I turned 30. Ever since then, I've been all over the place. I'm also a chronic avoider, which is why I hadn't returned to the doctor since receiving that PCOS diagnosis. I never got a good feeling from the doctor I was seeing... you see, I'm a nurse (labor/delivery nurse of all things!) and I felt like I was getting bad advice, so naturally, I just never went back. Dumb, I know. Totally wasting my own time. It's completely nonsensical. Honestly, I'm terrified of the whole thing. Terrified that my worst nightmares are actually true and we can't have a baby. What then? What do I tell people when they relentlessly ask when we're finally going to have a baby, because, I'm not getting any younger, you know? And what do you tell people when the fertility issue isn't just on the woman?

Male infertility is the darkest little secret that no one can talk about. For a woman to have fertility issues, sure, that's acceptable. But for a man to not be able to father children, don't ever speak of that. My husband has never been able to ejaculate from intercourse. We've been together for 4.5 years and it has never happened. Not once. Not on accident. He's had hormone tests, testosterone replacement... we've tried sex therapy. Nothing has seemed to work. It has been the most heart breaking thing to have to watch him go through this. It is the most demoralizing thing for him; he's humiliated and feels completely alone. I'm incredibly supportive of him, but completely at a loss on what to do. I try so hard to not take it personally, but every failed attempt that we have, is just one more notch down. At this point, I honestly feel like this is in his head; he's become a self-fulfilling prophecy. He's so terrified that he won't be able to perform, that of course, he's not able to perform. We honestly haven't even attempted intercourse since... I don't even know! December? Since then, all pregnancy attempts that we've made have been through at home insemination, I guess. I don't even know if this is recommended, but I didn't know what else to do.

I obsessively keep track of my cycles. Every single vague symptom is tracked meticulously. It makes me feel like a crazy person. I constantly fight thoughts of "should I be taking this as a cosmic hint? Are we just not meant to have kids?" If I don't ovulate and he can't ejaculate inside of me, I mean come on?!!! Thems not good odds, folks! lol. Luckily, our relationship is strong. Somehow, we've been able to keep our senses of humor throughout this whole thing... it has truly been our saving grace. I won't go into detail about the night we tried the d*ck pump and the HILARITY that ensued! Sorry, TMI?

I'm happy to say, though, that I finally found a doctor that I feel like I can trust and be truly honest with about everything that's going on, with me and him. She was so understanding and non-judgmental, it has meant the world to me. She wants to start fresh with my labs and get a baseline, since it's been so long since I've been to the doctor. My day 4 FSH was normal, which was a huge relief. AND she ordered a semen analysis for my hubby, and that was normal too! We've had so many let downs and I don't want to get my hopes up, but for the first time, I feel like, well, maybe we can have a baby. Maybe some day I'll get to be the woman who gets to watch my stomach grow... gets to experience the miracle of feeling that baby come out of my body. I want that so desperately that it's nearly all consuming. I have never been this honest about that. I feel like I have to play it cool, keep it together... Maybe here, I can let down my facade? It's not always pretty, is it?

So again, it all comes back to hope. I hope that someone here can understand, maybe even relate to what we're going through. I hope that my doctor can help us. I hope that one day we'll get pregnant. But I also hold on to being realistic and I have to entertain the idea that maybe that won't happen. But... here's to hoping.

Autumray · June 2014

Welcome welcome welcome! Im so sorry you are here. You sound so much like me! Except I havent really ever had reg cycles. I also have PCOS diagnoses confirmed about 2 years ago (yup I knew it but afraid of drs telling me for sure) I also am an avoider I couldnt avoid it after being admitted to the hosp. I also rarely (if ever) ovulate on my own. Hubby also has ejaculation issues. Mostly he has to work himself up to the point then I have to hurry or miss it. Totally sucks. We have intercourse but usually ends up a waste of energy and me being pissed off. I hate to feel that way but I feel like a failure when I cant get him to ejaculate. I hope your stay is short and sweet please feel free to be open here without judgment. We are all going through some tough situations but some are very similar so you need not feel alone. If you have any questions we have amazing and educated ladies around here! Once again welcome to the board :-)

Babymilos · June 2014

Welcome

I hope everything works out for you, for all of us. I know what you mean about hope. It's good to have hope, but crushing at the same time. We have to remind ourselves never to lose our hope.

BunnyBerry · June 2014

Welcome! Though sorry you find yourself here. I'm glad you found a good doctor you trust. Don't give up! There are lots of treatments to help kickstart ovulation with PCOS.

Also, you could encourage YH - due to male factor infertility, many of us on this board have close to a zero chance of pregnancy through TI so it doesn't make one bit of difference whether our DHs ejaculate inside us or...well, or anywhere else.

JericaLH · June 2014

Welcome to 3T. I think we all know exactly what you mean about hoping against hope that these things will happen, while still holding back that maybe they won't. It's a dangerous mind-game, walking the line between hope and realism, on one side you can be blind to the truth, on the other you can fall into despair and give up. We just have to have faith and pray that God knows what he's doing. I just keep telling myself that if He's making me wait, it will be worth it. Good luck with your new doctor and I hope all goes well with you and YH. Here's to hoping...

catlover790 · June 2014

Welcome and I'm sorry that you have to be here. I'm glad that you've found a doctor that you trust and can help you and your DH on your journey.

I would continue to be hopeful because as others have said there are options such as IUI that could help your DH be comfortable. Also, his SA was normal so that's a good thing!

The ladies here are very knowledgeable and have been so welcoming to me as I intro'd recently too. It is nice to have support from others who truly understand the pain of IF. Good luck with everything!

Pintobean39 · June 2014

Welcome, I'm sorry that you find yourself here. I don't know what I would have done without these boards. There are wonderful supportive women here. I wish you the best in your upcoming journey.

megrae12 · June 2014

Welcome. You will find that this is a safe place where you can be honest and get support. This is a hard journey, it's nice to have this place to come and give/get support you need. Lots of ((Hugs)) and I hope you and your doctor come up with a good plan moving forward.

lebradford · June 2014

Welcome. I'm sorry for what you're going through. It sounds tough. I think it's great that you said you and your husband have been able to keep your senses of humor throughout all of this. I think you might find that, in some ways, IF treatments, like IUI are less stress on your husband. Good luck. :-) I just wanted to add, if you aren't seeing a reproductive endocrinologist, you should consider it.

sharrison7613 · June 2014

Welcome and I love your opening. Hope is what get's us through the day but also the thing we blame when it doesn't work out. I hope you aren't here long and things work out quickly for you

masterofallcheese · June 2014

Welcome to the board. Your intro was very powerful, I felt so much from reading it and I thank you for sharing so candidly. You made a great decision to join this board. It truly is a community and is much needed to get thru IF because so few people IRL can be non-judgmental and empathetic.

emilynicole81 · June 2014

Wow, thank you for all of the kind words, it really means a lot to me! I'm coming to realize that we have a lot more options than I originally thought. We recently rechecked our insurance coverage, which previously covered ZERO fertility treatments, but discovered that as of this year, that has changed! If we're understanding the confusing language, I'm pretty sure it does cover most treatments now! I think that was a huge load off for my husband. I think we're gonna give it a few more months and try to reintroduce doing it the old fashioned way, just because it's been so long and honestly, we both miss the closeness. He started taking Vitamin D supplements a couple months ago and feels like that has made more of a difference than the testosterone injections ever did, so we'll see... I feel really glad to be able to finally share whats going on with us. My sister knows all of it, but my husband is so embarrassed, I feel like I don't have anyone I can talk to. So again, thank you all

TiffW2012 · June 2014

Welcome to the board! I think it is great that you and your husband are able to talk candidly and have a sense of humor about this process. Hope is a tricky feeling because it can lead us to disappointment, but the optimist in me would rather that than the hopeless feelings I have at times.

How wonderful that your insurance will cover most treatments. My H and I are on our own employer plans this year, but after some research last night, we saw that his insurance covers like 90% of fertility treatments, after meeting the deductible. So if we get to the point of IVF, that will be nice.

Good luck and I wish you all the best!

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