Can I please have your opinion?

AndyPants519 · June 2014

I am a lurker, and was hoping to get a man's perspective on an ongoing issue with my husband. Here's the back story:

My family is wealthy. Not crazy wealthy, but my parents have made our lives easier than it would have been otherwise, and I am extremely close with them. My folks have been married 33 years, and live near us, watch our 13 month old for free, and we see them almost every day.

My husband's parents divorced when he was 11, and his father past about 9 years ago before DH and I met. His parent's divorced because his dad cheated on his mom. The only reason I know that is because my SIL told me. My husband has in the 8 years I have known him, mentioned his father maybe 4 times. He never talks about his feelings. He is divorced, and I know NOTHING of his first wife, except he left her. End of story. They had no children.

OK…..here's what happened. I am 24 weeks with our second. I had a UTI last week that developed into a full blown kidney infection. I had to be hospitalized for two days and three nights. My DH and I work together as we own a bakery, and we both share the responsibilities there. Obviously I couldn't do my part, so DH had to work 12 hour days to cover me. When I was released from the hospital (a stay in which he only came to see me once), he complained non stop about how tired and over worked he was. He has not once asked me how I am feeling. I felt so guilty that today I told him to take the day off and spend it with our son, and he stopped by work, but left after 10 minutes because he felt I was "being weird" towards him. Um. No. I still don't feel well, and I am just trying to get through the day. There is no weirdness. There is exhaustion, pain, and confusion. I realize this situation is a snap shot, but he does this all the time. I am not allowed to get sick, I am not allowed to be more tired than he, or more put out. I do everything at home. Laundry, cleaning, etc… and yet when I have "the nerve" to mention it, he shuts down and won't talk to me for days.

I sincerely feel like he hates me. I don't know how to act around him. I feel like I can't be honest, or I will suffer the silent treatment. I mentioned the stuff about my family because I feel like that all adds to his resentment of me.

Am I wrong? Any insight? You are incredible if you made it through my diatribe….

DavidStamps · June 2014

Um....that's a lot.

I feel weird giving my two cents....but I don't think he hates you. Hate is a crazy strong word. BUT he may have a hard time expressing himself verbally, or may have some jealously over your family situation.....hard to tell cause I don't know the guy.

At this point all you can do is encourage him to talk to you and not in a aggressive or finger-pointing manner. Go out, have dessert and when you are both chill, talk about you NOT him, how you think he is feeling or point fingers. Simply say the hospital stay was crazy, number 2 coming up is going to be insane and share a little of your thoughts and hopefully he will do the same.

I shut down too sometimes, I LOVE my wife, but sometimes I don't know what to say, how to say it or am just not ready. He may be in the same boat.

Good luck.

AndyPants519 · June 2014

Thanks so much for your feedback. I know he has a really hard time communicating, it's practically a running joke in both our families about how reserved and quiet he is. On the other hand, when situations like this come up, I would hope that we could grow from them, rather than endure, and then inevitably "get over it" rather than solving any problems. I love him so much, but sometimes I feel like I don't know anything about him. My mom's theory about his behavior regarding my hospital stay was that he was scared, and felt like if he were in the hospital with me, there would be nothing he could do, whereas staying home and working was the most productive thing he could be doing. I just wish he would open up to me. I will wait as long as it takes.

Thanks again guys; I really appreciate your thoughtful responses.

polooo27 · June 2014

It sounds like you both had a really hard couple days. I'm going to assume you showed your appreciation for his hard work while you were gone, but maybe he doesn't understand how hard a hospital stay is. He probably felt like you were on vacation and he had to pick up the slack. He ended up burning himself out and now he's taking the stress out on you. That's my theory anyway. I don't have much of a suggestion, but I think your husband is thinking too much about the work he does and doesn't realize how much you do. I don't think that's uncommon. It's just he needs to learn to deal with it better.

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