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October 2014 Moms
WTF?! What the hell am I supposed to do now?! (Sorry, long)
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Re: WTF?! What the hell am I supposed to do now?! (Sorry, long)
Oh man, I am so incredibly sorry you're having to deal with this crap. I'm so mad. You are not overreacting. I would be beyond furious, and I probably would've chucked the phone at his face.
Now, if this were me, I would call this woman and potentially her employer. Don't be emotional, just state that you're his wife and maybe she should work on being a hell of a lot more professional. Especially when her client is a married man with a baby on the way. That is beyond unacceptable on both their parts. You never ask someone what kind of underwear they're wearing and call them sexy when you're joking (and married).
As for your husband, I don't know what to tell you to do. If it were me, the trust would be nearly gone. I don't know what I would do. Do you have a non-bias 3rd party you can go to?
30 dx with PCOS 2010 treating with metformin
DS1 12-29-11 DS2 11-4-14
BFP 10/19/13 missed mc at 5 weeks d&c 11/18/13
BFP 2/16/14 Please stick baby! ! EDD 10/31/14
DX with septate uterus 3/1/14
DS2 8/21/12
DD 9/26/14
Baby #4 edd 2/11/19
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. It's such a stab to the heart, and rebuilding the broken trust takes a lot of work. I hope he pulls his head out of his ass and works his tail off to fix this hurt.
I was in your shoes years ago, and these were the first steps I required in order to move forward even if it had not gotten physical.
-counseling, individually and marriage
-No Contact letter/email sent to this other person. Watch him do it.
-Complete transparency. As in you have access to phone/email/fb/whatever else any time you want until YOU feel emotionally safe/secure in your marriage again.
survivinginfidelity.com is a great place of support for this kind of thing, if you ever feel that you need it.
I also agree with calling the real estate office and letting them know about this. They are not going to want someone that does this type of stuff to be working for them.
I also want to let you know that you have every right to feel the way you feel. H maybe trying to minimize what he has done by trying to put it on you. Don't let him. He knows he was caught red handed and he needs to deal with it.
Big hugs for you.
It is you decision if you want to tell your mom and sister. It depends on your relationship with them and what you think would happen if H stayed around.
Again ((big hugs)) and good luck.
I'm literally feeling your pain and am about to start crying myself. My only advice is any time he tries to turn the argument around on you and question your sanity, end the conversation. Don't get dragged into a ridiculous argument when it's obvious to even perfect strangers what exactly he was doing.
But that aside, he is totally out of line. I would sit down with him tonight and have a long heart to heart. I would point blank ask if he has cheated in the past or has done anything with Kristen. Have they kissed? I would also send Kristen a message from your phone saying that you are his wife and that he will no longer be communicating with her. I would ask every question you want to ask- write them down now if you think you'll forget them in the moment. Keep it as calm and rational as possible and tell him what you want going forward- does he need to leave for awhile? sleep in another bedroom? let you go through his phone every day? What do you see as a reasonable way to gain back trust?
Me: 32, DH: 34 / TTC since February 2011 / SA: all normal, HSG: all clear! / on Lovenox for anticardiolipid antibodies
4 IUIs with Clomid, Letrozole, and Menopur. All BFN.
9/12: lap / hysteroscopy: found and removed mild endometriosis, cervical polyp, and 2 para-tubular cysts
5/13 IVF #1: Follistim, Menopur, Ganirelix, 10R/4M/4F, ET of 2, 5 cell and 4 cell, no frosties = BFN
12/13 IVF #2 = November / December 2013. Microdose Lupron Protocol: 15R/6M/6F, Froze all 6 due to high E2 and P4
FET 1: Jan 22, 2014 of one 4AB blast and one 3BB blast (3 blasts on ice!)
BFP on HPT 4dp5dt, Beta #1 9dp5dt: 310, Beta #2 11dp5dt: 899
First u/s on 2/17/14: TWINS!!!!! both w/HBs of 114 at 6w3d, HBs 150 and 152 at 7w5d
5/27/2014: Team purple!!!! EDD 10/10/2014 /
Baby Boy 4lbs 1oz, 17 inches
Baby Girl 3lbs 5oz, 16 inches
I'm not saying that will happen to you. I wish you all the best on trying to work through this with your husband. I hope that he can fix it and can gain your trust again. But either way, things will work out the way they're meant to be. If you ever want to talk, you're welcome to message me. Good luck.
TFMC 08.02.13 at 19+ weeks. Everyday I grieve for my little Olive.
(((Hugs)))
Remember, you don't have to make any decisions right now. If you need a few days to think before talking, take them. Take care of yourself first. Focus on eating, drinking, and getting rest where you can. Everything one day at a time.
I'm so upset, angry, confused.. pretty much every emotion under the sun. I've always trusted him, 100%. He's always made such a huge deal about trust, so it just floors me that he would do this. I keep asking myself why this happened. Why did he have to do this? Why, why, why? I'm so hurt!
I honestly have no idea what to do next. I'm such a laid back person and I always want everyone else to be happy that I have no clue how to act. I feel like I don't want to upset him, but I don't want him to think that this is okay or that this isn't a big deal. How bad is that, that I still care so much about his happiness that I am worried about upsetting him...
I'm sorry for all the rambling.. I'm just so confused and feel so unloved and not good enough. I almost wish I never looked at his phone so I wouldn't know.
I also want to add that I left work this morning, so I can cry in the comfort of my own home. My husband won't get home from work tonight until after I'm in bed. I'm worried that because of that, he will feel like he can get out of talking to me. Maybe I should stay up. I'm so non-confrontational... I hate this. -----------
I'm so sorry you're in such a tough spot. I'm a more confrontational person who would never just let things slide; I almost wish I could come fight this battle for you. I think you should stay up and wait for him...do you think you'd be able to sleep anyway? Unless you really need a few days to sit on your thoughts. I might not be giving the best advice here but I'd say you need to tap into your inner-rage a bit. You don't want to give him an inch or he'll take a mile. He needs to understand how very, very wrong this is and that the danger of losing you (and everything) is real. Not meaning to be a rage-monger but you need to stand your ground here. ((Hugs)) Good luck!
I was married to an addict and one thing I learned through all of this is that you are not responsible for protecting someone from the consequences of their own actions. You are not responsible for how they act or react. You are responsible for you. He is responsible for himself. I wanted to avoid confrontation too because it's uncomfortable! But you can spend a long time in an unhappy situation if you try to stay comfortable.Great advice.
This happened to a dear friend of mine. The texting affair did escalate to making out at one point, but definitely a betrayal. Here's what they did:
1) They went to their pastor (who happens to also be my friend's FIL), and his advice was, you need to separate immediately for a period of time. I think he crashed at a friend's house for a few weeks. They have 2 kids, so they still spent time with their kids each day.
2) The pastor/FIL said, they must get into counseling ASAP. She put that on him. He was incredibly apologetic and begged for forgiveness, but she said, you want to fix this marriage, then you have to put forth the effort. He found them a counselor and scheduled an appointment for 2 days later. Literally this all blew up on a Saturday evening, they saw their pastor on Sunday, and were in counseling on Tuesday evening. She also wanted him to pick the counselor, so he didn't feel like he needed to be on the defensive like he may have if he felt she picked the counselor because she thought they would "side" with her.
3) She met the "other woman." I don't know how she did it because I'm pretty sure I'd have an assault charge on my record if I was in her shoes, but she sat down and talked to her. She wasn't bitchy or vindictive, but did say, you need to stay away from my husband because we're working on things, and you need to respect my family right now. You do not call him, you do not text him, and he will not be coming by your place of employment.
4) After a few weeks, he was back home, quit going to bars (the other woman was a bartender), and they've both changed their family dynamic. After counseling, they also got a personal trainer and joined a triathlon club. They're marriage is stronger than ever, and they're also physically a much healthier family.
I don't know if you have a pastor, but I'd suggest seeking emergency counseling ASAP to come up with a game plan. Small (and this is not small by any means) issues can become huge blow ups once LO arrives, and you're dealing with sleep deprivation, hormones, diapers, and feedings, and this is only if everything goes according to plan.
There is a slim (very slim) chance she doesn't know he's married. She's still completely unprofessional even if she didn't know. After reading all the posts I remembered a time when I was 15 that a guy asked me for my number and wanted to "hang out" at his apartment. Being 15 I gave him my number but was smart enough to not go anywhere with him. Two days later I got a call from his wife who was pregnant with their third child. She saw my number in his phone. I had no idea he was married and probably worse was that he was 30 and had told me he was much younger. I told his wife everything. She about died when I told her I was 15 and that he knew I was 15 and that he invited me back to his apartment.
I am still floored by his actions and I am so happy that you could come here to see how many people do care even if we really are "strangers". I can't imagine the hurt you are feeling and I think everyone one here gave great advice and some btdt stories.
I normally wait a few days until I am calm to discuss the issue that made me upset but in this situation I don't know if you should go to bed before he gets home. Even if it is not to confront the issue but to remind him that this has not magically become better and that it is over. Maybe telling him that he should sleep somewhere else (whether another room in your home or a friend's house) and that you will need to talk about it when you are ready.
I do hope you find a professional to aid you in this time because honestly it is a high-risk game and you do not need to endure any more additional stress.
and I am with some others, I wish we could all be there irl to kick his ass.
I'm so sorry you are going through this and hope he puts his guard down and talks to you in an adult way about what is going on.
Hugs!
Has he tried to contact you at all today? That might help you decide how to handle tonight as far as staying up? Or locking his ass outside of the house and leaving his clothes in the yard? I kid, I kid. Kind of.
TFMC 08.02.13 at 19+ weeks. Everyday I grieve for my little Olive.
Married 8/27/2011
BFP #1 9/28/2011 DS born 5/22/2012
BFP #2 4/24/2013 m/c 4/25/2013 at 4w
BFP #3 1/31/2014 DD born 10/14/2014
BFP #4 1/20/2016 m/c 2/12/2014 at 7w2d
BFP #5 8/19/2016 DS2 born 4/29/2017
BFP #6 3/7/2018 EDD 11/18/2018
Sending tons of hugs your way.
O14 January Signature Challenge: Snow Fails
Me- 36 DH- 40 ***TTC since 1/13
BFP #1 - 4/3/13 *** EDD 12/13/13 ***M/C 4/12/13 @5wks 1 day
BFP#2 - 1/29/14 ***EDD 10/11/14
It's a GIRL!!!