October 2014 Moms
Heartwood0519
member
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WTF?! What the hell am I supposed to do now?! (Sorry, long)
Heartwood0519
member
I get out of the shower this morning and noticed my husband's phone was in the bathroom. Since I am nosey, and since he was on his phone ALL night last night, I thought I'd look at his text messages to see who he was talking to. I shouldn't have... Right at the top, a girl named Kristin.
My husband went to look at some real estate on Sunday night as we're looking at buying an investment property. He seemed all excited to go, but I thought it's probably because he's been talking about real estate for a while and this is the first place he's looking at. He also did his hair and used mouthwash before he went, which I thought was odd, but we had just eaten Mexican for dinner, so whatever, I guess.
Well, fast forward to this morning and the text messages. Kristin is the real estate agent. He was texting her all night last night asking questions about her, telling her to ask questions to get to know him, talking about what kind of underwear they wear (she wears high cut and he asked her to show him...), he telling her she's beautiful and sexy, it went on and on like that and at the very end he wrote, "Goodnight sexy".
I immediately start crying in the bathroom. He was still sleeping in the bedroom. I walked in there to put my shoes on to go to work and he asked me to bring him his phone. I wasn't saying much to him because I have no idea what to do. He asked me what was wrong and I said, "Next time you're going to cheat on me, make sure I can't read the text messages." And then I walked out.
He got out of bed and acted like he had no idea what I was talking about and once I told him that I saw the messages he said, "They were a joke! It was all sarcastic! You'd have to read the whole thing! (I did...)" I'm sorry, but what married man "jokes" around with another woman like that over text messages? Then he tried to turn it around on me because I looked at his text messages. (Not sorry, by the way) Then he was mad at me because I woke him up and he wanted to sleep in. He was trying any excuse to make it my fault.
He says he didn't do anything besides the texts, but how do I know? He was at that house on Sunday for an hour. It's not a big house and it's only like a block away from our house. Why would he do that?? I'm SO heartbroken and upset. He's always questioning me about doing something like that, which I never have and I never would, but now I figure it's probably because he's afraid of getting caught or something like that. He's telling me I'm being ridiculous and that I'm overreacting, but I don't think I am. I consider that cheating... I feel so sad and unloved. Needless to say, I've been crying all morning and I currently have my office door shut so hopefully no one comes in and bothers me.
Now I understand why he yelled at me last night when he was on his phone and I told him that the baby was kicking and that he should come feel it.
What the hell am I supposed to do?! I feel so lost! I don't want to say anything to my mom or sister because I'm embarrassed. HELP!
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Re: WTF?! What the hell am I supposed to do now?! (Sorry, long)
Surprise! BFP 3/7/2013, Missed MC, D&C @ 7w5d
BFP 12/10/2013, Natural MC @ 5w1d
BFP 2/15/2014...Katia Elizabeth is due 10/23/2014!
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I don't think that you're over-reacting at all. I would feel the same way if I found texts like that in my husband's phone too. I don't have a lot of advice for you, other than to say that maybe you and he need to have a talk today about how it made you feel. That's not a joke, and not acceptable at all. How would he feel if he saw texts like that between you and another man? It's easier said than done, but try to stay level headed in talking to him about it and try not to attack him, because it sounds like that will only make him more defensive, and that won't help anything.
You are not over reacting. No matter if he "didn't do anything" he was still having very intimate conversation with another woman. I am not certain that I would have done anything differently.
1. I would insist that Kristen is no longer the real estate agent, maybe switch her out for a handsome young man and you begin texting him (not really, but the idea of giving him a taste of his own medicine.
2. Personally, I would write a letter to him explaining your feelings and why this made you so upset. That way he has a chance to hear your side of things without having to get defensive (which always leads to fights imho)
3. When you can have a face to face real life discussion about it. I know it sounds impossible but hopefully this can happen without it turning into a fight.
4. Speak to a professional about it. They can help with communication tools to hopefully work past this incident and give you some tools to rebuild trust.
My heart goes out to you and I can't imagine the feeling you are going through. Hopefully it was just a silly man getting some attention since your attention has shifted some to his child.
You are not unlovable, undesirable, or unimportant. Your husband just made some really bad choices.
| would probably want to drag Kristen and her agency through the mud and make formal complaints and attack her Facebook page. But I am vengeful. Did she not know he was married? What kind of person advances on or accepts advances from someone who is married? And to use her profession as a means to meet up with someone is terrible.
I would also tell your mom or sister- if they are local, you have a place to crash if you don't want to be around him for a while.
I've read the responses and see some great advice. Mine would be to NOT write DH a letter, though. Putting your feelings in writing can help get a message across, but you lose the opportunity for real discussion/conversation, back and forth. It's also permanent. Please don't write your message to him. Find a neutral place to talk to him and have a real conversation...when you're ready.
I agree with PP that your family might not be the first place to turn. Do you have a close friend you could stay with for a while and lean on, who you trust to keep this quiet, for your sake and the sake of your marriage?
Look into counseling for yourself at least, and definitely tell DH that you want to go to counseling together. I'm sure he'll want to work it out on your own, but it can be an enormous help to have a mediator and advisor.
((Hugs))
savagek7.
Having been through something very similar and even worse in my first marriage I would say it is best to get to bottom of why he did what he did and make sure he re-evaluates your place in his life. Not that you should threaten to leave but he has to remember how important (I am sure) you are to his life. He should not be taking you for granted and especially during this time he should be bonding closer to you. Finding out the core of what would make him have this type of conversation is the beginning of healing and bonding closer as a couple. You haven't done anything wrong!!!
One saying that has always stuck with me is:
The grass is not greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you water it and where you tend to it and where you grow it. This means WORK. I truly believe anything can be worked out as long as both parties are willing to do the work.
Hugs and prayers that you work this out!!
I second this. Call up Kristen's employer and let them know about her very unprofessional behavior. You don't have to make a scene but I personally would make the agency aware. I'm sure they don't want this kind of inappropriate behavior from their agents who are supposed to be our there reflecting positively on their company, not wrecking homes (not sure if she knew he was married with a child on the way, but still)
Me: 34 DH: 34
TTC since Jan '13
BFP#1 - EDD 3/24/14 - d&c 7w5d
BFP#2 - EDD 6/14/14 - cp 4w2d
BFP#3 - EDD 10/28/14 - It's a BOY!!! - Born 10/26/14
Not that this is an excuse in any way, shape or form, but is this your 1st baby? I'm wondering if your H is freaking out that his life is changing so dramatically. If he has never done this before, there would be a lot more forgiveness if I were in the situation. However, if this is something that has happened before, even years ago, it would give me serious pause.
I am so so sorry you are going through this.
Wow. He has some nerve turning this around on you. While I understand these emotions because I have been there before: 1) you have nothing to be embarrassed about 2) you are not responsible for other peoples' feelings towards your DH; that is their decision. So please call on your support people.
I'm a pretty relaxed person but in no way do I think texting, or FB messaging, etc are less serious than any other form of cheating. Get thyself to a therapist without him and he had better damn well agree to going with you too, cheating is a symptom of a problem either with him or with your marriage and it needs to be addressed in a neutral, professional setting.
I also think if you need any space from him, HE'S the one that should have to figure out where else he can stay. [-(
I 100% percent agree that you should wait to discuss with family or close friends - as hard as that is going to be. Most people aren't going to be able to seperate this moment from the longevity of your relationship.
I also 100% agree with PP about needing to find a counselor ASAP - both for you alone and for you and DH. You are completely justified in your feeling and action, IMO. I can't imagine dealing with this on top of being pregnant and you are going to have to dig deep to get through it no matter the outcome - we know you can do it!
Lastly - I agree that you should call that whore's boss. Minimally to let him know that she's unprofessional. The added bonus being that if she WAS actively trying to home-wreck she get's checked at the same time.
I can't give you advice on DH since its such a personal situation and how I would deal with it is going to be different no matter what. Start with the counseling - I'm sure they can help you start to sort and prioritize.
Much love your way.
Native NYC-ers living in Switzerland - First time parents - 36 + 37
TTC: 8 Months / BFP: 2/8/2014 / EDD: 10/20/2014
I am so sorry you're going through this. You are 100% NOT overreacting, and his actions are completely wrong, both with the real eatate agent as well as how he reacted to you when you confronted him.
I have a DH that has a tendency to lie about things when there is friction between us, so I know the defensive routine, particularly the part where he tries to turn the tables and deflect back you. That's his knee jerk reaction and it's completely unacceptable but he does typically backtrack after a period of time and admits that he was wrong in trying to deflect away from the real subject at hand. I have hope that the same is true for you and that his first reaction was defense mode and lies because he panicked knowing just how badly he messed up but that as things settle, he'll be able to come back and have an open and honest conversation with you.
I think you've received a lot of good advice, so I don't really have anything else to add. To me the main things I see from here are getting to the root of why he did what he did and trying to restore trust IF he's going to admit his wrongdoing and agree to doing whatever it takes to set things straight. For myself, personally, I think I would have to pursue counseling because without it, I don't know that I could navigate my way back to trusting him enough to have a functional relationship.
Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish I could give you a giant hug and your husband a swift kick in the junk.
October 2011 - DS (7)
July 2014 - Stillborn DD (24 weeks)
August 2015 - DD (3)
April 2018 - 5 week loss
You're not overreacting (I would have kicked him in his nuts this morning... I tend to go into rage mode...)
((((Big hugs))) we're all here for you!
Wow, I am so mad and upset for you right now. I think PP have given you great advice and I echo what they said about keeping this to yourself for now. DH and I actually have a policy not to discuss any arguments we have with family (no matter how big or small) because in our particular families, it would change how they treat the other person.
One suggestion I have is to write what you are feeling in a journal. Writing in journals is always cathartic for me especially when going through periods of emotional upheaval. I would also take the day off from work and go somewhere, to think, like a park bench etc.
And definitely have a heart to heart with your husband tonight. I would want to know where his head is, what he is thinking and where he wants to go from here. I hate to say it but be emotionally prepared if he says that he wants out from the marriage, in case he feels that way. If he does, make a list of things you need to do - for me personally I like to be prepared. It will hurt to think about it but it won't blind side you if he does feel that way. Hopefully, he will be willing to go to counseling etc. to make the marriage work.
Good luck and please keep us updated - lots of weird creepy, internet hugs for you.
I am SO SO sorry that you are going through this. I know it's so confusing right now where you are left wondering what to do next. Should you ignore it (ignorance is bliss after all), leave him, put him in the dog house, try to fix things?
Only you will know the right answer for your family and if you don't know what that answer is right now, that's ok! Give yourself a little time - you are still digesting this information and he is too. He likely tried to turn everything on you this morning because he was cornered and it was a fight or flight response. Let him figure out in his own mind how he wants to come back and respond to this. Most likely you won't go home to the same man who was angry with you this morning.
Try to understand that you are going to go through every possible emotion in the next few hours even. When you get to the blaming yourself phase just try to remember that you did NOTHING to deserve this.
Feel free to PM me if you need to talk. It can be so hard when you feel like you can't open up to friends and family. Also... don't forget to take care of yourself during this time. Take your morning showers, remember to eat, get outside for a walk. I'm not saying it will make tou feel any better, but go through the motions because your LO still needs you too.
Good luck, again I'm so sorry - I'm sure as you've guessed this hits all too close to home and it takes a lot of time to fully heal.
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