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November 2014 Moms
Sensitive Topic: Gender Disappointment
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Re: Sensitive Topic: Gender Disappointment
I feel like I'm going to be disappointed either way. Which is f-ing ridiculous. I want a sister for DD and I want a son for DH. I'm finding out tomorrow before anyone else (probably DH included, he has the option) because I'm going to need time to adjust. Last time, I truly didn't care (I was convinced it was a girl but would have been over the moon for either). Since this is my last child, all these different emotions are hitting me. I just want tomorrow to be over so I can start adjusting!!
Our anatomy scan is tomorrow so we don't know what LO is yet. My whole life I have pictured having a boy first and then a girl. I want my daughter to have a big brother to look after her.
Once I got pregnant I realized that you really have no control over the sex and it really doesn't matter what the sex is. That hasn't stopped me from picturing a boy, but I have been trying to picture both sexes. I've also been planning a nursery for either sex and looking at clothes etc. for both. We also have names picked out for both sexes. I'm not sure what my reaction will be if it's one or the other, but I know come November I will be ecstatic to have a baby of our own, regardless of sex.
While I was dying for a girl as soon as I saw on the a/s that we were having a little boy I was so happy that it did not matter what I was hoping for to begin with.
Granted I did tell my DH that if he comes home one day and our son is wearing a pink tutu just to ignore it and walk away.
I can't wait to have that little boy in my arms. Even though I am a FTM I am sure that will be the most amazing moment of my life. (Thank you pregnancy hormones for making me so sappy!)
Dont worry, it will pass.
It's fun to dream, but I don't want those thoughts to take on more importance than the reality of who this little miracle will be. I can't wait! Is it Nov yet?
Haha...if it's a boy he can rock some cute little suspenders maybe....haha!
Nov. '14 January Siggy : Work Sucks!
Me 32-DH 38
Married July 14, 2007 ----- TTC # 1 October 1, 2013
BFP March 7, 2014 ----- EDD November 17, 2014 ---- Baby boy born November 16, 2014
I didn't experience this with the first one because I knew we planned to have two - I thought from the second I found out I was pg with DS he would be a boy - DH thought girl. I've always imagined one of each - and coming from a family of 4 girls - I was excited to have a boy.
This time around, I wanted my girl. I'm also a girly-girl and imagined all the girl things I would do with a daughter (not that every girl is girly anyways). DH wanted a boy this time because we have one so he thought it would be easier and he has a brother, no sisters so he thought it would be nice for DS to have a brother. I didn't realize how disappointed I was that we are not having a girl until I found out - Materniti21 on the phone. My reaction was "oh - thanks." At our scan last week, I was hoping maybe it was a mistake (the tech said these tests can be wrong but are far more accurate if your results come back boy). I'm 39, so this is pretty much it for us. I did suggest to DS maybe we should consider a third - to which he replied "I thought we were all set for me to get my tubes tied!" LOL. That said, I do love, love, love my son and am grateful this little guy is looking great so far. We had a miscarriage in the fall (I had the girl feeling for that one), so it add some perspective. I'm excited for DS to have a little brother, my experience with DS is the whole "boys sure do love their mommas" thing - he's my little cuddler, helper, and my shadow. I also don't buy the whole "boys grow up and live their moms" thing - DH and many men I know sing the praises of their moms and are very close. I'm hoping to raise two little mammas boys gentlemen that will marry nice girls that won't hate me - LOL.
I get it though, the first week or two after I found out no girl for me - I was super bummed and it took a while to sort of let go of things I imagined. I think it's normal - the people who get judged are the ridiculously devastated people who can't function if they find out they aren't getting the sex they wanted. Nobody in their right mind would find out they are having a healthy X, and prefer an unhealthy Y just because of the sex. I do think you will be hopelessly in-love with whatever you have. I adore DS so much it's hard for me to imagine having more love to give to another person on this planet, but I know this will happen and boy or girl - you can't beat that feeling - they adore you back unconditionally and you're heart will belong to him/her the second you see that baby.
Of course my main thing is I want a healthy baby. I also hope to have another boy after this one (if we do have more) just because little boys are soooo cute and so much fun.
This time, I thought it would be so fun for DS to have a little brother. Plus I am not very close with my mom and the thought of having a daughter scares me. But I'm good at being a mom to a little boy!
I didn't want to get my hopes up, though, and be disappointed, so I started mentally preparing myself for having a girl. I started to believe it was going to be a girl.
When I found out I'm having another boy, I felt a pang of loss and what if? What if I'm missing out on something awesome? This was supposed to be our last kid. I'm 34...what if I decide down the line I want to try for a girl? What if it's too late? What if I have a 3rd boy? I can't handle 3 boys. I don't want 3 boys.
I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself to decide my future now. I know it's ridiculous. I know deep down that another boy is what's best for our family, but I still feel a sense of loss at times. Especially when I see really cute little girls or adorable girl clothes.
I think people get this - my dad had four daughters, no sons, we all played sports and when we were younger, we'd rough-house harder than any group of boys - there were stitches and black-eyes once or twice from somebody getting hit with a baseball, etc. My Hs cousin is a principal ballerina and her husband is a ballet artist in the same company. This is logical. The sex disappointment thing isn't logical, it's a matter of the imagination and heart - based on what is stereotypically "boy" or "girl." Sure - you can take your daughter to a football game, but Dad might be day-dreaming of a son who actually plays in the NFL. A girl can't do that. Moms think about planning their own daughter's wedding, taking her shopping for prom dresses and her wedding gown. I think it's safe to say most of the time, mom isn't taking her son shopping for a wedding gown.
Gender isn't black and white irl but the stereotypes still exist. And while many girls love sports (I do), many do not. Same thing for boys, you may get one who enjoys Broadway and the ballet, but a whole lot do not - it's where the stereotypes come from. You can't force it either way, I think people do believe (which is reasonable) that a girl will like "girl things" and a boy will like "boy things" and the opposite is less likely. My son at 3 is a sports nut, it's not something we force on him. He just enjoys baseball, football, golf. He likes watching Princess Sophia too, but as he grows older, I'm betting there is little chance I can interest him in an evening out to the ballet. He'll moan and complain about the suggestion like his father - and that's OK too.
this time around we're not finding out until baby is born..and with 2 boys already I of course am hoping for a girl, especially since this will be our last. but I find myself irritated when other people say things like 'hoping for a girl this time?' (even tho I am;) b/c it does feel like extra pressure. lol, so I'm trying to imagine it's a 3rd boy so I will be happy either way by the big day..
No matter what they are, I'll still be raising to someone be a good citizen and responsible adult. My husband isn't a sporty guy, and I'm not a girly girl. He'd rather share this love of theater with our child, and I'd like to share my love of travel. Those can all happen no matter what our child is, and if they happen to love something neither of us knows about, we'll all be learning together.
I completely understand.
I had openly admitted I was hoping for a boy so I could give Dh a "normal" son to do things with. That sounds horrible, but I feel kind of bad that there is so much that Dh can't do with DS because of his ASD. And I wanted to give a boy my dad's middle name, which has been in his family as either a first or middle name for 4 generations. (I didn't do this with DS because, as the first son, I wanted him to have a name from DH's family.) This pregnancy has also been a carbon copy of DS's pregnancy and completely different from both the girls. Obviously I knew it could be either, but I was convinced it was a boy.
I was flabbergasted when I saw girly bits at the a/s. It wasn't until later that I felt disappointed in missing out on a boy. And then I felt guilty for feeling disappointed because I do already have a boy. I had been so sure for so long that it's been a huge mental adjustment for me. And Dh was also disappointed for some of the same reasons. Although, the main concern he has brought up is that girls with ASD tend to be farther down the spectrum than boys. So now I've got that guilt as well; potentially saddling my family with a child with more needs than DS.
Seeing DD1's excitement has helped, as well as sorting the baby clothes and pulling out all the cute girly things and the memories of my girls as babies. I make hairbows as a hobby/side business so the thought of having a newborn to model is exciting. And I've made some bibs and other things for her, so that's like therapy for me.
It'll take a little time to adjust, but I'll be ready for my 3rd girl well before she gets here.
Mo 11/4/14
Wait, What?!? - EDD 11/1/19
To this day, a bump comment sticks with me...I mentioned we wanted a boy, but were blessed with a girl and were naming her Bradlee Paige. (my dad was Bradley and my mom's middle name Lee, so both parents in 1 kid) A bumpee commented, "way to remind your daughter that you wanted a boy instead of her with that name." Really got under my skin, but I didn't respond as I knew this wasn't the reason for the name and everyone always has an opinion on names.
Very happy to have learned we are having a boy this time around, though now I'm scared shitless because I have no experience with em. He will be the first boy of the family and the only true Zamora to pass on the name. I know DH's family is going to flip when they find out on the 4th.
So between feeling like it's more of a surprise to wait, the fun of my husband getting to announce the sex at birth, and knowing by the time I push out what is likely to be a large baby, I'll be thrilled with whatever we have, I've chosen to be team green. It makes more sense to me than finding out beforehand and risking not being 100% thrilled for any reason when it's beyond our control.
While it can be tough at times but it's also helped too. It's easier buying gender neutral items that will work for a future baby. And it's helped me become more aware of possible preconceptions about what is for girls and what is for boys. I definitely saw an example crop up when my mom came to visit. I'd ordered some plain, technically boy, baby pants and when I showed them to my mom her response was "if it's a girl are you really going to put her in pants with a fly?" All I could think of was girls jeans have flies, what's wrong with these having a fly on them? But there are tons of little stereotypes like this within every generation that we have to be aware of and work to overcome.
I know logically it could have been either a boy or a girl. There is no way to actually "know". I would have been really sad and felt very disconnected at first if he was a she. I would have loved the baby either way obviously, but it would have been hard at first.
I totally get it.