Monday mumblings

Holly_1007 · June 2014

hmp1 said:

Holly_1007 said:

Ok guys, I'm bringing the heavy this afternoon. Hypothetically: How do I leave my DH knowing it would cut me off from SD. I obviously have no legal rights to her. I don't want her to feel abandoned by me. I've been in her life since she was 2.

I really have no experience with this but am in the mindset of not staying married for the kids if you are done and exhausted your options.

She will always be your boys' sister but it is really going to be up to your H and the BM for the time you get to see her. I would let her know how special she is to you for sure and talk to her once you and your H have made a decision about splitting. With your relationship with her BM, I wouldn't expect to see her much though. Maybe in time, you can bring the boys to some of her activities when they happen on days you have the boys.

the hard part is that DH is really uninvolved in her life. I can't even tell you guys how much I have fostered and encouraged their relationship. The boys love her so much. How do I balance them spending time with her, with getting enough one on one time with DH, when truthfully, I can't stand the thought of them being away from me.

Holly_1007 · June 2014

Pokedot said:

I want to order a few tops on Maurices and for some reason the stupid website won't let me put things in my cart. I think the universe is trying to tell me something.

So with all of this talk about putting LO in a big kid bed what prompted you guys? I still love that B is caged animal and no desire to declutter the room and put him in a "real" bed. We don't have a 2.0 on the way so maybe thats the need. I actually thought about keeping him in the crib even after 2.0 arrives, whenever that is.

keagan was in a crib until he was almost 4. He tried climbing out once, around age 2 and we had a 'discussion' about how unsafe it was to climb out and how I would always come in whenever he needed me. He never tried again. He got to the point that he was getting too big for it physically. He was stretched almost end to end and could only roll over once.

tinyhumantoe · June 2014

I just want to vent about work.

We built a new facility, everything is pretty modern, but classy and timeless. I picked all of the finishes and it was a lot of work. When designing the space, I had selected the furniture and art (from local artists) to be placed in the common areas. It was decided that we should wait due to budget, and I agreed.

Now they suddenly decided that the lobby looks empty, like yesterday. These fuckers went down to Homegoods this morning and bought some FUGLY velvet victorian looking dining chairs and some type of console table that you'd put in a very traditional home.

They bought some awful plastic looking fartwork (Fake Artwork.... think MAROON ugliness). Our interior colors consist of distressed wood, blue-grey, green-gray, with hints of lime green and rust orange in the carpets. MAROON?! Ahhhhh

I feel like I can't breathe. Over some chairs and shit. I need to get a grip.

AKB090609 · June 2014

Pokedot said:

I want to order a few tops on Maurices and for some reason the stupid website won't let me put things in my cart. I think the universe is trying to tell me something.

So with all of this talk about putting LO in a big kid bed what prompted you guys? I still love that B is caged animal and no desire to declutter the room and put him in a "real" bed. We don't have a 2.0 on the way so maybe thats the need. I actually thought about keeping him in the crib even after 2.0 arrives, whenever that is.

We moved DD for two reasons, 1) the bed I wanted for her was on sale, 2) we did not want to buy a second crib when DD was clearly ready to be out of hers.

Holly_1007 · June 2014

tinyhumantoe said:

I just want to vent about work.

We built a new facility, everything is pretty modern, but classy and timeless. I picked all of the finishes and it was a lot of work. When designing the space, I had selected the furniture and art (from local artists) to be placed in the common areas. It was decided that we should wait due to budget, and I agreed.

Now they suddenly decided that the lobby looks empty, like yesterday. These fuckers went down to Homegoods this morning and bought some FUGLY velvet victorian looking dining chairs and some type of console table that you'd put in a very traditional home.

They bought some awful plastic looking fartwork (Fake Artwork.... think MAROON ugliness). Our interior colors consist of distressed wood, blue-grey, green-gray, with hints of lime green and rust orange in the carpets. MAROON?! Ahhhhh

I feel like I can't breathe. Over some chairs and shit. I need to get a grip.

I remember you saying all the time and effort you had been putting in designing the space. I would be pissed too. But the good thing is that, shit from home goods won't last long before it looks gross. Hopefully they run everything by you when that happens

Pokedot · June 2014

@Holly_1007 & @AKB090609 to me it sounds like DS is perfectly fine in the crib from what you both are saying. I don't want to transition him too early. I think we'll keep him in the crib for a while longer for sure. Now I can breath. I was so worried I missed a memo on bed transition. Thanks!

Btw Holly, I have no idea what your rights would be to SD. I honestly don't think any but I'm sorry you are going through this. You've been through too much.

BPer · June 2014

Pokedot said:

I want to order a few tops on Maurices and for some reason the stupid website won't let me put things in my cart. I think the universe is trying to tell me something.

So with all of this talk about putting LO in a big kid bed what prompted you guys? I still love that B is caged animal and no desire to declutter the room and put him in a "real" bed. We don't have a 2.0 on the way so maybe thats the need. I actually thought about keeping him in the crib even after 2.0 arrives, whenever that is.

It was definitely out of sheer convenience for us. We travel a lot, and it seemed a lot easier to get a hotel room with 2 double beds (one of us sharing with DD), and one crib or PnP for baby boy, rather than cramming two cribs into an already tight space. Same goes for weekends we spend at the lake.

At this point, she loves sleeping, she goes down easily 95% of the time, and will typically play quietly in her crib for a half hour or so after waking, so it just seemed like a good time to go for it.

hmp1 · June 2014

Pokedot said:

I want to order a few tops on Maurices and for some reason the stupid website won't let me put things in my cart. I think the universe is trying to tell me something.

So with all of this talk about putting LO in a big kid bed what prompted you guys? I still love that B is caged animal and no desire to declutter the room and put him in a "real" bed. We don't have a 2.0 on the way so maybe thats the need. I actually thought about keeping him in the crib even after 2.0 arrives, whenever that is.

James stayed in his crib until almost 3, we got a full year of two being in a crib. We didn't switch until he was already having sleeping issues. His issues were only at nap time though and looking back I wish we would have just stopped doing crib naps but kept the crib up for night time a bit longer. I bet we still have another year of crib sleeping with Leo too. He is so content right now.

Holly_1007 · June 2014

Im hoping for another year with Colby in the crib. That is why I'm struggling not looking for another coordinating sheet after I ripped his last week.

amandad715 · June 2014

We announced this pregnancy to my side of our family last night. Within 10 seconds of the excitement, hugs and congrats, my mom and aunt already asked if we were trying for a girl. I wish I had one of those clickers that are used to count people just to see how many times people will ask us that from now until Jan.
::click, click::

melody921 · June 2014

amandad715 said:

We announced this pregnancy to my side of our family last night. Within 10 seconds of the excitement, hugs and congrats, my mom and aunt already asked if we were trying for a girl. I wish I had one of those clickers that are used to count people just to see how many times people will ask us that from now until Jan. ::click, click::

Haha, this makes me think of OITNB. That show conjures so many references.

BeebopandBuddy · June 2014

Maya was in the crib until 3. Ethan will be too unless he starts getting too brave and crawling out. Maya has woken up a lot earlier ever since we transitioned her and she can get out of the bed. She used to roll over and go back to sleep. Not anymore

@holly_1007 I think the best thing you can do to continue a relationship with SD would be to leave things as amicable as possible with your DH when you split. If you facilitate a lot of their interaction though, the reality is that he may not continue it and you may lose touch with her anyway. I'm sorry you're in this position, that sucks.

AKB090609 · June 2014

@Pokedot I'm sure he will let you know when you NEED to move him, I don't think there is a 'right time' to do it.

tinyhumantoe · June 2014

I want to eat some of the lunch I packed. I had chicfila for lunch, and I'm afraid the people I went there with will see me eating again, ha.

amandad715 · June 2014

Oh and I saw that same aunt at the Y this morning after swimming lessons, whose BFF/workout buddy was all like "congrats!" My Italian family has such big mouths that she had already told her. I told everyone last not to say anything because we haven't told my in-laws yet. And of course, the BFF asked the ? So.....::click::

thebanich · June 2014

Holly Does your DH know you are thinking about this? It sounds like you are flat out done and ready to move on.

tinyhumantoe · June 2014

Holly_1007 said:

tinyhumantoe said:

I remember you saying all the time and effort you had been putting in designing the space. I would be pissed too. But the good thing is that, shit from home goods won't last long before it looks gross. Hopefully they run everything by you when that happens

Thanks, Holly. It's already gross, trust me. Forest green and maroon shiz for a gray/lime green/orange color scheme. Ugh....

I feel like a huge tool venting about this when you have a more serious issue going on. I agree with what @beebopandbuddy said. I wish I had more experience with those types of things.

Flamingemu · June 2014

Holly_1007 said:

Pokedot said:

I want to order a few tops on Maurices and for some reason the stupid website won't let me put things in my cart. I think the universe is trying to tell me something.

So with all of this talk about putting LO in a big kid bed what prompted you guys? I still love that B is caged animal and no desire to declutter the room and put him in a "real" bed. We don't have a 2.0 on the way so maybe thats the need. I actually thought about keeping him in the crib even after 2.0 arrives, whenever that is.

keagan was in a crib until he was almost 4. He tried climbing out once, around age 2 and we had a 'discussion' about how unsafe it was to climb out and how I would always come in whenever he needed me. He never tried again. He got to the point that he was getting too big for it physically. He was stretched almost end to end and could only roll over once.

L hasn't tried since last week. I tell her every night before bed to not climb and that mommy & daddy will come get her if she needs us. It has worked so far. She is staying in there for as long as I can manage.

Pokedot · June 2014

I'm on team crib then. This crib converts to a toddler then full bed so we have that going for us whenever it's time to transition. I just don't like the idea of him being able to roam around the house or room for that matter. I'm a super heavy sleeper too so that scares me a bit. He's never once tried to climb out of the crib. He totally could if he wanted to though. Thanks for the imput ladies. He'll be in there for awhile longer I can see that already.

Holly_1007 · June 2014

Banich4eva said:

Holly Does your DH know you are thinking about this? It sounds like you are flat out done and ready to move on.

yes. He also knows that I have no income and no way to actually act on my desire to get separated. I have no friends or family to lean on for emotional or financial support, or even help with the boys so I can work. I'm trying my hardest to hold out until the boys are both in school full time, and I have told him this. Truthfully, he has done so much shit (emotionally) and yet I still haven't left, I think he thinks I will never gather the courage to leave. It's exhausting.

Holly_1007 · June 2014

tinyhumantoe said:

Holly_1007 said:

tinyhumantoe said:

I remember you saying all the time and effort you had been putting in designing the space. I would be pissed too. But the good thing is that, shit from home goods won't last long before it looks gross. Hopefully they run everything by you when that happens

Thanks, Holly. It's already gross, trust me. Forest green and maroon shiz for a gray/lime green/orange color scheme. Ugh....

I feel like a huge tool venting about this when you have a more serious issue going on. I agree with what @beebopandbuddy said. I wish I had more experience with those types of things.

eh, we all having stressing things in our lives.

hmp1 · June 2014

Holly_1007 said:

Banich4eva said:

Holly Does your DH know you are thinking about this? It sounds like you are flat out done and ready to move on.

yes. He also knows that I have no income and no way to actually act on my desire to get separated. I have no friends or family to lean on for emotional or financial support, or even help with the boys so I can work. I'm trying my hardest to hold out until the boys are both in school full time, and I have told him this. Truthfully, he has done so much shit (emotionally) and yet I still haven't left, I think he thinks I will never gather the courage to leave. It's exhausting.

Remember that he will have to help pay for the boys still so you can put them in daycare.

tinyhumantoe · June 2014

My 3:30 didn't show, so I called him at 4 to find out what happened.

He was "by the H&R block." Hmm....we don't have one of those anywhere near us. I was on the phone with this doof for 10 minutes just trying to find out where he was. He "doesn't use gps."

Dude, you need to get a GPS, download an app, or be very freaking good at navigating. And there's no excuse for not calling when you know you're going to be late.

melody921 · June 2014

LoisLayn23 said:

Holly_1007 said:

Banich4eva said:

Holly Does your DH know you are thinking about this? It sounds like you are flat out done and ready to move on.

yes. He also knows that I have no income and no way to actually act on my desire to get separated. I have no friends or family to lean on for emotional or financial support, or even help with the boys so I can work. I'm trying my hardest to hold out until the boys are both in school full time, and I have told him this. Truthfully, he has done so much shit (emotionally) and yet I still haven't left, I think he thinks I will never gather the courage to leave. It's exhausting.

I feel like this is the point where you start stockpiling money for yourself. Sneak a 20 here and there, withdraw an extra 20 at the grocery store and start a fund. He can't trap you like that. I'm so sorry, Holly.

I agree. You need to start a fund, even if it starts small. I'd probably also start looking into employment options for you and see if there are any resources in your area to help newly-single moms.

MommaP12 · June 2014

LoisLayn23 said:

Holly_1007 said:

Banich4eva said:

Holly Does your DH know you are thinking about this? It sounds like you are flat out done and ready to move on.

yes. He also knows that I have no income and no way to actually act on my desire to get separated. I have no friends or family to lean on for emotional or financial support, or even help with the boys so I can work. I'm trying my hardest to hold out until the boys are both in school full time, and I have told him this. Truthfully, he has done so much shit (emotionally) and yet I still haven't left, I think he thinks I will never gather the courage to leave. It's exhausting.

I feel like this is the point where you start stockpiling money for yourself. Sneak a 20 here and there, withdraw an extra 20 at the grocery store and start a fund. He can't trap you like that. I'm so sorry, Holly.

This. Do you have things in just your name? Can't hurt to open an account at the bank and toss a 20 here and there in and maybe open a CC in just your name. hmp1 makes a great point too, you won't have to pay for everything alone - hopefully. Do you belong to a church or any other organization that you could start to form relationships with to possibly help you in the future? I'm really sorry you are feeling this way in general and feeling trapped.

tinyhumantoe · June 2014

@holly_1007 would you move back with family, or need to find a place of your own?

There is a sheltering wings here, and they have very nice apartments. It's not just for physical and emotional abuse situations, it's for any woman that is 'trapped.' Something like that could be worth looking in to. They could at least point you towards some resources. There are women who were trapped years ago who come back and really support the shelter to help other women like them.

thebanich · June 2014

Oh no Holly. I'm so sorry. Do you research. There are child-care subsidies and other programs to help you. Don't let him make you feel like you can't leave. That screams emotional abuse and makes me so sad for you and ragey at him.

Holly_1007 · June 2014

Thanks guys. In order for him to help, he needs to have money. He's not making 100k a year right now. I have an account that I have been putting money into over the past few months. He house is in my name. I would hate to lose it, but I probably can't afford it. I've been applying for teaching positions for the fall but I'm not very qualified. I could most likely get an accounting job, but I'm holding out as a last resort, in order to make the money I need to, I will never see my kids and even though it might be he right thing, it's still a really tough thing. You have to realize how easy it is to give advise to someone over the internet that tells them to leave, and realistically know how challenging it is. I do appreciate all the support and advice, which is obviously why I have been telling you guys stuff and I seriously appreciate the suggestions. Like I said, it's so much easier said than done.

MommaP12 · June 2014

You are home all day with 2 kids, you're totes qualified to teach.

In a perfect world, you get that teaching gig for fall and have nice hours to be with the kids. Or you find an accounting job with discounted onsite daycare for employees so you can see them at lunch. I'm pulling for either one of these.

jenndub · June 2014

Holly_1007 said:

Thanks guys. In order for him to help, he needs to have money. He's not making 100k a year right now. I have an account that I have been putting money into over the past few months. He house is in my name. I would hate to lose it, but I probably can't afford it. I've been applying for teaching positions for the fall but I'm not very qualified. I could most likely get an accounting job, but I'm holding out as a last resort, in order to make the money I need to, I will never see my kids and even though it might be he right thing, it's still a really tough thing. You have to realize how easy it is to give advise to someone over the internet that tells them to leave, and realistically know how challenging it is. I do appreciate all the support and advice, which is obviously why I have been telling you guys stuff and I seriously appreciate the suggestions. Like I said, it's so much easier said than done.

Absolutely easier said than done. But the doing is also not impossible. I'll admit that I was forced into my situation because my ex walked out on me, leaving on my own was not something I was ready for. At the time I was a SAHM and we had a joint account that he cleaned out when he left. It was the scariest thing ever, but I made it work because I had no choice. I was way too proud to ask friends and family for help, which was the dumbest thing. I had one aunt who kept mailing me Vons gift cards, she really saved me. Don't be too proud to get help, it's not a failure to let someone assist you in a tough time. I was so afraid of being on my own with the kids, I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to do it all. I did it and am so much happier now than I ever was then. Best of luck with whatever decision you make.

BeebopandBuddy · June 2014

I think everyone just wants to make sure you know you have options. I don't think anyone means to suggest that it's easy.

Holly_1007 · June 2014

BeebopandBuddy said:

I think everyone just wants to make sure you know you have options. I don't think anyone means to suggest that it's easy.

and you guys don't even know how much I appreciate it. Just knowing the support is here is bringing me to tears. Thank you so much

Holly_1007 · June 2014

jenndub said:

Holly_1007 said:

Thanks guys. In order for him to help, he needs to have money. He's not making 100k a year right now. I have an account that I have been putting money into over the past few months. He house is in my name. I would hate to lose it, but I probably can't afford it. I've been applying for teaching positions for the fall but I'm not very qualified. I could most likely get an accounting job, but I'm holding out as a last resort, in order to make the money I need to, I will never see my kids and even though it might be he right thing, it's still a really tough thing. You have to realize how easy it is to give advise to someone over the internet that tells them to leave, and realistically know how challenging it is. I do appreciate all the support and advice, which is obviously why I have been telling you guys stuff and I seriously appreciate the suggestions. Like I said, it's so much easier said than done.

Absolutely easier said than done. But the doing is also not impossible. I'll admit that I was forced into my situation because my ex walked out on me, leaving on my own was not something I was ready for. At the time I was a SAHM and we had a joint account that he cleaned out when he left. It was the scariest thing ever, but I made it work because I had no choice. I was way too proud to ask friends and family for help, which was the dumbest thing. I had one aunt who kept mailing me Vons gift cards, she really saved me. Don't be too proud to get help, it's not a failure to let someone assist you in a tough time. I was so afraid of being on my own with the kids, I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to do it all. I did it and am so much happier now than I ever was then. Best of luck with whatever decision you make.

I admire your strength so much Jenn. I hope, when the time is right for me, I can be half as strong as you.

Holly_1007 · June 2014

I have like $700. I was thinking I needed enough to pay the bills that are in my name for 2-3 months. So like $5kish? Ugh I feel like I will never get there

danabsd · June 2014

Something I learned today -- If you leave your debit card in the ATM and drive away it eats it and sends you friendly email letting you know what a dope you are. Oh and it takes up to 10 days to get a new one. ~X(

danabsd · June 2014

shiggybop said:

Anthony's swim teacher was the only one able to get him to lay on his back in the water. Dh showed me what she did, I copy it exactly, and he refuses to cooperate. He won't let my BFF do it either, and he lets her do anything. We're playing in the shallow pool at least once a week and I plan on taking him in my parent's pool as often as I can this summer, but I'm guessing he will still have learned more in the 4 weeks than he'll learn from me because he's stubborn.

Yup. She will only do the learning stuff with the instructor with H she just "JEWs!" in and wants to play.

hmp1 · June 2014

Holly_1007 said:

I have like $700. I was thinking I needed enough to pay the bills that are in my name for 2-3 months. So like $5kish? Ugh I feel like I will never get there

Have you contacted your mortgage servicer to get information about a Special Forbearance? Not sure if that was something you looked into already when your H was out of work. It could buy you 3-6 months of deferred mortgage payments until you can get a job and start getting child support since he is working now.

danabsd · June 2014

BobKat22 said:

I know it's common practice to have them jump in toward you. Am I crazy that I don't want to teach DD that jumping in from the side is an option? We made sure to really enforce that she only enters the pool from the steps with one of us. She tried a few times to reach for the duck thermometer on the side and a pool float. We made a big deal out of staying away from the edge.

In swim class one of the main things they work on is getting to the edge or the safe zone. So if she were to fall in she would know how to get to where she needs to be and climb out. As for jumping in, Bebs pretty much fearless when it comes to jumping in at H so she can swim to him but she won't even walk to the edge unless he's there. Same with the ocean she won't let the water touch her feet unless she's holding a hand. One of those the only way she knows things?

Holly_1007 · June 2014

hmp1 said:

Holly_1007 said:

I have like $700. I was thinking I needed enough to pay the bills that are in my name for 2-3 months. So like $5kish? Ugh I feel like I will never get there

Have you contacted your mortgage servicer to get information about a Special Forbearance? Not sure if that was something you looked into already when your H was out of work. It could buy you 3-6 months of deferred mortgage payments until you can get a job and start getting child support since he is working now.

wait, I can do that? OMG. You guys. I can do this..

hmp1 · June 2014

Holly_1007 said:

hmp1 said:

Holly_1007 said:

hmp1 said:

Holly_1007 said:

I have like $700. I was thinking I needed enough to pay the bills that are in my name for 2-3 months. So like $5kish? Ugh I feel like I will never get there

Have you contacted your mortgage servicer to get information about a Special Forbearance? Not sure if that was something you looked into already when your H was out of work. It could buy you 3-6 months of deferred mortgage payments until you can get a job and start getting child support since he is working now.

wait, I can do that? OMG. You guys. I can do this..

Different investors and loan types will have different qualifications but it is definitely worth the call to see what your loan type options are. Most offer some sort of forbearance plan ranging from no payments for 3-6 months to reduced payments like interest only for a set amount of months.

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