Help me learn more patience!

LunaBug924 · June 2014

Not with DD, I have endless patience for her and all her antics. :P But what I really need help with is learning to bite my tongue when others talk to, hold, or care for her in my presence and it's not the way I do things or want them done. I find myself constantly telling people how to do things or hold her, even DH! I mean, I'm with her all day and I've learned what she likes and doesn't, but I know I need to keep my mouth shut sometimes. I have an especially difficult time with my IL's.

My MIL comes over 2 days a week to "help out". Which means she holds the baby in between feedings while I do the house chores. Meanwhile, I think I still get more accomplished when she's not there. But anyway, you'd think after 7 weeks that she'd learn our routine. Well, we left DD at her house for 2 hours last night to go out to eat, and I come back to a screaming, overtired baby with a bottle being shoved in her mouth and her fighting it away. MIL says, "I didn't know what else to do, there's no pacifier in the diaper bag!" First, yes there was, and second, why are you force feeding her??? She's tired, she needs a nap! Turns out she was awake the entire time we were gone (and had been awake for about an hour before we got there). MIL insisted she was "in such a good mood so we wanted to play with her and make her tired so she would sleep for you tonight." Thanks, but an overtired baby is even harder to put down, so now you've just made more work for us.

This is just once example. I realize that no one is going to do things exactly the way I do, and that I have some control issues I need to work on, but why can't people respect a simple routine? And I've already spoken to her about it. DH agrees with me, but at the same time he just rolls his eyes and says "that's my mom."

No point to this post, just needed to vent. Anyone else dealing with this? Am I just being an over-controlling FTM with jealousy issues over sharing her with others? Any ST+Ms dealt with this and learned some coping methods?

KBowen715 · June 2014

We are supposed to bite our tongues?

Whoops.

jsaffer01 · June 2014

I'm the same way! What really pisses me off though if I'm holding him and he starts to get upset, due to gas or just being his witching hr. If my MIL is over she'll say "I'll take him and calm him down". Bitch let me take care of my child. I have no problem tagging out if I need to, but give me a chance to rock/pat/bounce him. And to be honest the person I'll tag him out to, is his dad. Because he also needs to be able to calm him down. So step off lady!

haylo33 · June 2014

I was really controlling when we first came home from the hospital. He had jaundice and my milk took longer to come in and I wanted him to constantly be with me. I would get annoyed when people would come over. I think I was just really stressed. I felt like people didn't know what they were doing. I'm a FTM so now I realize they probably had more experience than I did but I'm his mom. Now I am trying to be more patient and realize that people have to learn what works for the baby just like I had to. My in laws babysat and I asked her to give him no more than 3oz at a time because he has been spitting up. Well she gave him 4oz and she was so worried I would be mad. But she gave him 3 and 30 min later was still fussing. I understand he was prob just tired but she needs to learn that on her own. So she had to deal with a spitting up baby to learn. It is hard giving up control. Hopefully it will get better for all of us with time

momo214 · June 2014

^ agree with this. It's super hard to give up control over our baby we know in and out. We work hard to establish consistency and routines for mom and baby and others easily throw that off. While that makes it hard and stressful we don't live in a bubble with our LO and their interaction with grandparents, friends, aunts, etc is important even if it can mess up what we work hard to establish. As a FTM I have no prior experience and I get frustrated too but try to let my LO enjoy time with others even if they don't follow my rules all the time. I think it's important for routines to be established but also letting LO learn that they aren't always going to be followed and learn how to deal with change. I may be way off base but I think being relaxed and going with the flow is more important for a happy home than strict and rigid rules and making everything MY way.

KBowen715 · June 2014

Eh, I'm just a neurotic control freak, so I disagree about giving up control. I'm a third time mom and still adhere to this: My baby, my rules. Follow them or go through me to spend time with him. If you have a theory that works better, use it on your own kid.

KBowen715 · June 2014

MK1013 said:
I have this issue as well, but I don't know that I can be helped. I was and still am the same way with our 5 year old.

What I need sincere help with is having the courage to ask people to share DD with DH when he's home, because he rarely is due to his job. It seems people forget this and DH hardly even gets to hold her and it makes me feel sad, but neither of us say anything..

Oh. And please send the patience trainer my way for bfing. I'm giving it 5 more days.. My nips are just raw and in so much pain and LO is 4w2d. Something's gotta give.. And fast.

Give it until 6 weeks! You get over that 6 week growth spurt and have milk like whoa! The nipples wave their proverbial white flag, and there is a new calm.

Or I've just lost my mind and have succumb to the madness. Either way, it suddenly JUST got easier for me. (6wk2d)

gypsymystic · June 2014

I know exactly how you feel. I am a STM and this time I feel like I have less patience. With my first, I was thankful for any sort of 'help' offered, but this time when MIL or anyone offers to hold or feed LO, etc. I have to fight the urge to roll my eyes and snatch him back. haha. I just feel like I can get things done myself- quicker and easier. For instance, my sister always holds him at a weird angle when she feeds and he gets fussy and gassy afterwards. She also insists on holding him while he sleeps which makes it impossible for me to put him down at home. MIL is another story altogether. She thinks she is the baby expert but she is just a pain in my ass. She has some kind of antiquated method or oppinion on everything and she tries to feed both my sons round the clock. If the baby so much as hiccups or coos, he must be starving!!!

krlovell · June 2014

I'm a STM and I'm still fighting my inlaws on how important a routine is for DS. I appreciate the help and the break that they give me by taking a toddler off my hands now that I have a newborn. But he's more of a handful/evil when he comes home because he hasn't had a nap in 3 days or gone to bed at his normal bed time, and had nothing but pop and candy. I have had the talk with them numerous times that they either do it my way or not see the kids, and they still do what they want. So stick to your guns now and show that you mean business otherwise you'll be in my shoes; really need their help and be weighing the pros and cons of them taking your LO.

momthatlifts · June 2014

Um sounds like my mil. She even woke her up so she could "play with her because she never sees her". She played tug with my kid and dh because she insisted on holding her and playing mom. There is no room for patience. Either you say something so it doesn't happen again or talk to dh. I went with the dh route because my way wouldn't be so nice. She comes by next Thursday and he is going to tell her in person. I'm the same way as you. I cringe when anyone else has her in their care. Good luck'

dogsombrero · June 2014

@MK1013
My DH works long hours so wrangling the kid from guests is hard but they all know when he gets home and I shout "Daddy-time" to give him up. It's explained nickel during a random chat in the daytime that every night whether guests are here or not it's daddy-time.

Also about pumping- I EP and have an issue with engorgement as well. I point the cone at different spots on my breast to get to all the ducts and lightly massage any hard spots until they come loose. HTH.

bumpuser260585 · June 2014

I have learned to pick my battles. DS1 is 3 1/2. When my ILs watch him they never follow our bedtime routine. They like to lay on the floor in his room with him until he falls asleep, which actually makes him stay awake longer because he will talk to them. At first this would really make me mad. I asked them repeatedly to just put him to bed. Now I just bite my tongue. For us, It isn't the end of the world. It might screw up ds' s routine for the next night but we get back ontrack. Ds likes the time with his grandparents and they like that time too.

The other day we were out to dinner with the ILS and ds2 was hungry. FIL insisted that he just wanted grandpa to hold him. After 2 minutes of fussing, I just took ds abd told FIL that unless he was lactating t that ds needed me. I have become a little more blunt in the last few years but I've also decided that it isn't always worth it to get mad.

ATXbabymama · June 2014

SpitsNGiggles said:
I have learned to pick my battles. DS1 is 3 1/2. When my ILs watch him they never follow our bedtime routine. They like to lay on the floor in his room with him until he falls asleep, which actually makes him stay awake longer because he will talk to them. At first this would really make me mad. I asked them repeatedly to just put him to bed. Now I just bite my tongue. For us, It isn't the end of the world. It might screw up ds' s routine for the next night but we get back ontrack. Ds likes the time with his grandparents and they like that time too.

The other day we were out to dinner with the ILS and ds2 was hungry. FIL insisted that he just wanted grandpa to hold him. After 2 minutes of fussing, I just took ds abd told FIL that unless he was lactating t that ds needed me. I have become a little more blunt in the last few years but I've also decided that it isn't always worth it to get mad.

I agree - I choose my battles. The first time around there was so much tension with the in laws because I was so rigid and controlling. I look back and I realize it wasn't really a big deal that they used the wrong diaper cream or whatever other issue bothered me at the time. I am trying to be more patient this time around with DS2 I hopes that we can all enjoy these moments and not stress over the little things

Ziegeficker · June 2014

SpitsNGiggles said:

I have learned to pick my battles. DS1 is 3 1/2. When my ILs watch him they never follow our bedtime routine. They like to lay on the floor in his room with him until he falls asleep, which actually makes him stay awake longer because he will talk to them. At first this would really make me mad. I asked them repeatedly to just put him to bed. Now I just bite my tongue. For us, It isn't the end of the world. It might screw up ds' s routine for the next night but we get back ontrack. Ds likes the time with his grandparents and they like that time too. The other day we were out to dinner with the ILS and ds2 was hungry. FIL insisted that he just wanted grandpa to hold him. After 2 minutes of fussing, I just took ds abd told FIL that unless he was lactating t that ds needed me. I have become a little more blunt in the last few years but I've also decided that it isn't always worth it to get mad.

All of this. State your preferences bluntly, but be polite. Never lose sight of the fact that, while this is your baby and therefore your rules, it's also their grandbaby. If you want them to have a relationship, there are just some things you'll need to deal with. And in the long run, these issues are usually not even a big deal or worth fracturing your relationship. Most likely, they aren't being malicious, they are just doing their best...like all of us. It's important to communicate with them, but try to let the little things go. It's not worth your baby losing their relationship with their grandparents...trust me.

stephierd81 · June 2014

FTM here and I can totally relate to OP. No advice but I'm with ya!

frasey · June 2014

as PP said, just roll with it and pick your battles. DD is 2.5 and my parents still have zero regard for our routine or her preferences. Yesterday my mom suggested we go shopping and out for lunch in a town over an hr from here. Um, that in NO WAY sounds like fun for a 2 yr old, and I will be the one whos telling her to stop touching things, etc. And they don't get that she needs to be home for nap by 1 or else she's a disaster for the rest of the day. Youd think they just met her, but we've had these conversations before, and they've seen her when she missed nap.

I guess just be firm when you need to be. I told me mom that we will do whatever as long as we're home by 1 at the latest. So we likely will not be going shopping/lunch an hr from here...

MickeyM04 · June 2014

Agree about picking your battles. When I was a FTM I went apeshit about everything. How DS was held, times of naps and bedtime, what he ate, how much, etc. As he's gotten older I've gotten better and DD has benefitted from that. I realized DS wouldn't break if he napped a bit later, ate too much crap food one day, etc. So now with DD, if she isn't held a certain way or someone forgets to wash their hands before holding her, I realize it's going to be fine. As long as my kids are happy and healthy and safe that's what matters. And not going down for a nap on time or eating a bit later than she should isn't going to hurt anybody, especially if it's the exception and not the rule.

That being said, your kid, your rules. If those are violated once in awhile, fine. But if every time your in laws are involved, every rule gets thrown out, that's a problem. But once in awhile? Meh.

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