PAL questions

lexusolsen · June 2014

I have two vents/ issues.

1. Dd has been playing with an imaginary sister, Alicia. I'm pretty sure it's Diego's sister from the nick jr show but it still breaks my heart that she longs for a sibling to play with. I had an imaginary friend when I was her age, that part doesn't worry me. I won't discourage it but it's just insult to injury with 13 days until Ben's due date.

2. We have acquaintances that we used to be much closer to. They have two sons. A four year old and an infant who was born after we lost Ben. We invited them to dd's birthday party because the woman is dd's godmother and we are their older son's godparents. She just RSVP'd and I asked her not to bring the baby. I feel badly but I need to protect myself. I should have my son with me at dd's party. Am I being crazy?

Noethola · June 2014

Sorry there isn't much advise or anything I can give you, but wanted to offer support.

lexusolsen · June 2014

Thanks for replying. I don't know why I posted this. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. It's getting harder to deal with his death the closer we get to his due date.

luckyclover0922 · June 2014

So sorry that you are going through this I have my days where I am just angry and some days I am fine... so no need to state why you made your post. We all understand where you are coming from and most have even felt the same feelings that you have.

As for asking your friend not to bring her baby... completely understandable and no you are not crazy you just want to keep all "triggers" away that day to celebrate your other child. There is a time and a place when you will feel comfortable meeting their new baby but right now its just not right for you. They should totally understand... don't feel bad about it.

Hugs to you... the next few weeks in June are going to be sucky for us both. Hang in there

OSUWifey09 · June 2014

***SIGGY/pregnancy mentioned***

My best friend is my angel's godmom, and she was pregnant with my godson when I lost Devon. I asked her to stay away until I was ready to see her and my godbaby. It took me a good 6-7 months before I was ready to hold him/see him, and she understood. You are not crazy for asking her to leave her son at home, and I hope that she understands and not take offense. People who haven't experienced a loss don't get what it's like to be in our shoes and are sometimes offended that we don't want to see babies right away...it sucks.

My son has recently started mentioning a little brother, and he was 3 1/2 when we lost Devon. We recently had our rainbow baby, so I'm wondering if this new baby is starting to make him remember that I was pregnant before this, too...that baby just didn't come home with us. It's so hard. I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this. Hang in there.

lexusolsen · June 2014

@OSUWifey09‌ I have babies every where! My BFF was pregnant when I lost Ben. She has been amazing. They live a few thousand miles away so I haven't seen the baby yet. It also helps that she's a girl.

This other person we were already distancing ourselves from for various reasons. Now this.

gracie5107 · June 2014

I am sorry you're having a harder time right now. I think it is totally acceptable to ask your friend not to bring her baby. I would want to be able to celebrate my child's birthday without the worry of triggers around me. I hope she understands and is supportive. I know that not many people who have not been in our shoes do not "get it" and can be insensitive at times.

lexusolsen · June 2014

Turns out, she was ok with not bringing the baby . However, her ds1's birthday is the week after. We declined and my dh explained he wasn't comfortable around baby boys yet. She made an insensitive comment . We are done with them. We don't need that kind of energy while we are trying to heal.

gracie5107 · June 2014

@lexusolsen

Ugh, I'm so sorry about the insensitive comment. It really sounds like it is a good decision to keep your distance from them. Definitely do what you need to do to protect yourself during the healing process. Unfortunately, this is a time when you really find out who your friends are.

daffodil428 · June 2014

I'm so sorry that on top of grieving you are dealing with insensitivity and losing friends. I've ended friendships with a few people because I just can't deal with anyone who is anything but supportive right now. However, it does hurt like hell to have all this hurt all around you.

There is nothing wrong with being focused on you and your family right now. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

Xath · June 2014

lexusolsen said:

Turns out, she was ok with not bringing the baby . However, her ds1's birthday is the week after. We declined and my dh explained he wasn't comfortable around baby boys yet. She made an insensitive comment . We are done with them. We don't need that kind of energy while we are trying to heal.

***ticker***

I'd caution you against throwing away your friendship at such a difficult time. Distancing yourself is fine for a time, but in situations like ours, people frequently make comments without realizing how painful they might be. The fact that your friend was willing to leave her less-than 3 month old to come support you at your daughter's party says something about how much your friendship means to her.

By all means, focus on yourself and your healing, but don't destroy a relationship outright. People aren't psychic. When you're feeling up to it, explain how and why what she said was hurtful. Chances are, they probably didn't even realize.

lexusolsen · June 2014

gertiebarden said:

lexusolsen said:

Turns out, she was ok with not bringing the baby . However, her ds1's birthday is the week after. We declined and my dh explained he wasn't comfortable around baby boys yet. She made an insensitive comment . We are done with them. We don't need that kind of energy while we are trying to heal.

***ticker***

I'd caution you against throwing away your friendship at such a difficult time. Distancing yourself is fine for a time, but in situations like ours, people frequently make comments without realizing how painful they might be. The fact that your friend was willing to leave her less-than 3 month old to come support you at your daughter's party says something about how much your friendship means to her.

By all means, focus on yourself and your healing, but don't destroy a relationship outright. People aren't psychic. When you're feeling up to it, explain how and why what she said was hurtful. Chances are, they probably didn't even realize.

I appreciate your optimism. This is a friendship that we have barely maintained because she is dd's godmother and we are her ds1's godparents. We only see them in passing at church and at birthday parties.

She was offended that I asked her to leave the baby behind but reluctantly agreed. Since dh declined the invitation, a friend of her's has fb messaged me telling me that she had a miscarriage three years ago and my baby would want me to live. And see other babies. She just isn't going to let this go. We bought a gift and dropped it off and we will continue to give him gifts as we would all our other godchildren.

Honestly, we have other friends with a baby the same age (a girl) and it is difficult but that friendship is worth pushing my boundaries for . I don't want to lose that friendship. This one though, we are ready to let go of.

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