How to keep mom out of the delivery room? (long one)

ColeyCannoli · June 2014

Okay, this is going to be a long one but I feel like you all need some background first.

My mother is a very judgmental person. Always has been. She is more concerned with appearances than anything else in her life. She used to be a model and a beauty pageant queen and even now in her late-50's, she is still gorgeous. One of her biggest pet peeves with me is that I am not and have never been a beautiful girl. I admit that I can't hold a candle to her, looks-wise, though I make up for it by having a personality, ambitions, skills and all those other important things. Still, she's always been harsh about my looks. When I told her I was pregnant, for example, she wanted to celebrate by taking me to get lip filler from a plastic surgeon. Yeah... I refused it of course, which started a mini-fight. She was also upset that my horrible m/s didn't make me to lose any weight. We've had a lot of fights over this stuff and during the latest one she just said, "So? I'm more superficial than you are and at this point I'm old and it won't be changing." Can't fight that, huh?

The truth is that she's pretty narcissistic overall and can't stand it when any of us make her "look bad." In the past she's told me to lie to her friends about my grades, what parts I got in plays, where I got into school, etc. At this point she has all but erased my older brother and nieces. Demanding me and my other siblings not to mention him in front of her coworkers/friends because she doesn't want them to think of her as "old" (she had him at 17 and doesn't like that he has a teen of his own now). She's even mentioned my baby being her "first grandchild" even though she has two others. It's so hard to confront her because she'll break into sobs - telling us how hard it's been for her and how we can't understand and that she's sorry and blah blah... it all starts over again. She's never sorry for long.

Anyway, all that to talk about this. She is damn set on being there for my baby's birth and as horrible as it sounds, I don't want her anywhere near me. The last thing I need is for her to be sitting there worrying that my baby will have my lips or my chin or whatever, or having her critiquing my appearance while I'm in labor. No one on this planet stresses me out as much as she does.

How the hell do I keep her out without causing a big scene? My best friend agreed to try and keep her out but I can just see my mom flipping a huge crying fit in the waiting room. Sobbing to all the doctors and nurses about how horrible I am to her. She can be very convincing when she wants to be and I'd also rather not deal with people telling me how mean I'm being to my "poor poor mother."

I know it's early to worry about this but it's been eating away at me. Would it be horrible of me to not tell her until after the baby has been born? I do love her. She's my only mom after all. But I just don't want her to ruin something so important to me by making me feel insecure and judged. For once, I'd like for a big life event of mine to not be about her.

Ugh, hope that wasn't too much of an info dump there. I'm just super stressed and I need some sane perspectives on things.

(edits: I can't spell)

Cryssteen · June 2014

Two suggestions:

1) don't have anyone call her until you are ready to push.

2) insist with the MD and nursing staff that the ONLY one allowed in the room is your husband. They'll act as security guards.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Truth is, I don't want my mom there either. She annoys me and I have a hard enough time talking to her on the phone. I just don't think it's going to be good.....

chicorojo · June 2014

That sounds so stressful and I am sorry. I know that if you tell the nurses you don't want someone in the room they will make sure they aren't in the room, they also won't judge you. And also I dont think its bad to call her after baby is here, if it's less stressful for you.

OhMySpawn · June 2014

I didn't want my mom in there for my first, either. I was very straightforward in telling her that it was only going to be DH and I. She got a bit restless during my 30 hours of labor and I've been told that my friends in the waiting room and nurses in the hall ran a decent amount if interference. I don't have any advice on how to handle her if she gets all dramatic, but do make sure that your nurses and doctor know that it's only to be you and DH in the room. They can always play "bad guy" and ask her to leave if she somehow makes her way back there. OR don't call her when you head to the hospital, that's always an option

ETA: iPad doesn't like paragraphs apparently

JulieSC81 · June 2014

I am so sorry. No mother should ever critisize their child like that. That being said, i have a very interfering MIL. When i had my first, my SO put a visiting lock on so no one could visit until we lifted the lock. By lock, i mean we talked to the security and told them absolutely no visitors until we gave the clear and lifted it. So just talk to the nurse and security.

JulieSC81 · June 2014

If you talk to security, she will never make it to the maternity floor

LinziLoo09 · June 2014

Geez, I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. I am amazed you put up with what you do and don't blame you at all for not wanting her in the room with you. Not knowing your mom, I'm not sure what the "path of least resistance" is here. I think I would probably discuss the matter with my husband and with my midwife/ob even. I'm sure they've dealt with invasive and inappropriate family members before and might have some ideas to thwart her entry (like telling her you're only allowed to have your husband in the room or something).

If that doesn't work, I'm the type that, especially when I'm in labor, probably wouldn't care if she was pitching a fit in the waiting room. Just deal with it woman; I'm creating life!

But you can also certainly just call her in after the birth. My SIL had her mom in the room for her first child, but just called family after her twins had been born. Nobody was fussed about it at all.

I'm dealing with mother-in-delivery-room options in a different way. I told my mom that we want a doula, and when I described what a doula does, she feigned upset (she fake-trembled her lip) and said, "Isn't that what a mother is supposed to do?!". And the more I discussed it with her, the more she insinuated her jealousy that I would dare invite a (professional ahem) birth coach in the room as opposed to her. I am not planning on having anyone other than my husband and medical professionals in the room with me when I deliver, so I'm anticipating a fun guilt-ridden conversation with her over this matter in the next few months. When it comes down to it, though, it's a matter of what I'm comfortable with at such a vulnerable and uncomfortable time. So I hate if I hurt her feelings somehow, but I'm not going to invite her in the room out of guilt and won't be made to feel bad about it.

I hope you find a solution to your mother problems, ColeyCannoli! And try not to feel bad however it pans out. You got to do what's best for you here. Good luck!

Cheekers2010 · June 2014

So, I've dealt with this situation as a doula. The first thing to do is enlist your doctor and the hospital staff on your side. Tell your doctor that you do not want her attending. Your doctor can note it for you. Second when you deliver, make sure the nursing staff know right away that the only people allowed in the room are x,y and z. It is part of their job to deny the room to anyone you don't want. I personally would not tell your mom when you go into labor. But, if you are not comfortable with that, you can put the blame on the hospital by saying that you are only allowed 1 support person or you can even say that only 1 support person is allowed due to it being flu season. That actually is often the policy during the winter season.

Finally, I am sorry you are dealing with this. You are absolutely right that this can be a very stressful situation and you need to do whatever you can to make yourself comfortable. Be strong and do what you need to do. Don't worry about her convincing the doctor/staff that she should be there. They work for you! You just need to be upfront with them. But, again, really....I wouldn't tell her when you go into labor. Contact her after baby is born and you have a little time to bond. GL! Don't stress over this (yeah, right. I know).

Manateearmz · June 2014

I'm so sorry she is like this to you.

Tell the nurses who you want in the room and who you don't. They do not mind being the bad guys and I've seen them in action. It's amazing. They will handle whatever you need them to do.

I agree with PP that you don't have to call her at all until you're ready for her to show up.

JCM285 · June 2014

I would totally just not tell her you are in labor so she doesnt go there in the first place. That way you can avoid the drama altogether. Sorry you have to deal with this!

RosieB0514 · June 2014

I am so sorry your Mom puts that much stress on you. I am stressed out just reading this! I can't imagine. My Step MIL is a lot like your Mom to some degree and is obsessed with appearances. She told me she thought I was getting fat right before we told them we were pregnant. She constantly makes digs about how this is the one time in my life I can eat whatever I want, but after baby it's all business and I need it tighten it up. Ugh. ANYWAY, when her DIL was having their LO they didn't call her until after the baby was born and I cannot blame them one bit. I am somewhat considering doing the same thing. It is what makes you feel comfortable, and if you are feeling stress now then I would trust your gut.

BrideLinds · June 2014

My mom is awesome and I didn't want her in the delivery room with me. However she didn't automatically expect to be there either. The nurses will do as you ask. Make it known to them that she isn't welcome until you say so. If she does throw a fit in the waiting room you won't have to hear it. Try not to let her stress you out too much. I'm sorry you've had to deal with her

ColeyCannoli · June 2014

Thanks everyone! I'm glad to hear that the doctors and nurses will help me out too. I'm definitely going to let them know to not allow anyone else back there. I'm might just tell her to go straight to the 5th floor recovery waiting rooms instead of the 3rd floor labor and delivery.

danisgossipgirl, you are right that I need more distance. I've actually come a long way since I lived with her. I am doing a lot better not taking her comments personally and telling her off when I need to. My DH thinks I should cut her off completely but I just don't have the heart for it.

Guess I'm still a bit of a push over.

allonsyalonso · June 2014

Everyone has already said just about everything, I think. I didn't want anyone except DH to be at the hospital with me. Not even in the waiting room. And I didn't want anyone there as soon as the baby was born. Because that was time for DH and I to meet our baby. Our families respected this. But if I'd had ANY inkling that they wouldn't have, they wouldn't have found out until after the baby was born. This time I expect the same respect.

P.S. your mom sounds... unique. I'm sorry you've been put through that. You don't owe her anything at this point. And I don't know what you look like, but you're probably lovelier than you think.

Eora3 · June 2014

It is really very simple: Don't tell anyone you are in labor unless you want them in the room for your delivery. Make it clear to those people that they are not to tell anyone else.

After you have the baby, let your mother know when she can meet the baby. She doesn't need to come to the hospital at all if you don't want her there. Why not have her come by your house after you are home and settled? December is prime flu season, you can always blame the hospital and say that they are limiting visitors.

My mother is also a total nightmare and if yours is anything like mine, she will find a reason to start drama no matter what happens. If she is like my mother, she is going to be pissed that you and the new baby are getting all the attention. You just have to decide how much of her shit you are willing to deal with. My advice is to use this opportunity to lay down some new ground rules about what is acceptable. Remember that how she treats you is very likely how she will treat your children. Shut it down now.

MaggieN2028 · June 2014

Holy shit! I'm sorry she is causing you this kind of stress and I'm really sorry too that you've dealt with her dealt with her crap all your life, appearances should never be top priority.

I agree with PPs, I wouldn't even call her until after labor or asking someone to call her after pushing begins. I wouldn't want her there either especially when you'd be worried about her criticizing what you look like and definitely what your LO looks like.
Good luck with this! I'll be sending you good vibes!

ColeyCannoli · June 2014

Eora3 said:

It is really very simple: Don't tell anyone you are in labor unless you want them in the room for your delivery. Make it clear to those people that they are not to tell anyone else. After you have the baby, let your mother know when she can meet the baby. She doesn't need to come to the hospital at all if you don't want her there. Why not have her come by your house after you are home and settled? December is prime flu season, you can always blame the hospital and say that they are limiting visitors. My mother is also a total nightmare and if yours is anything like mine, she will find a reason to start drama no matter what happens. If she is like my mother, she is going to be pissed that you and the new baby are getting all the attention. You just have to decide how much of her shit you are willing to deal with. My advice is to use this opportunity to lay down some new ground rules about what is acceptable. Remember that how she treats you is very likely how she will treat your children. Shut it down now.

I needed to see this. It's true. It really doesn't matter when or how I lay down the rules, there will be drama. Sometimes I just need to be reminded that her behavior isn't normal and I shouldn't tolerate it. It sucks when you don't have much of a frame of reference to go on and I know I an probably forgiving what a lot of other people wouldn't. I definitely don't want her to hurt my LO with her judgments so it's better to get this worked out before s/he is here.

amedbery · June 2014

So sorry - my mom is pretty special, but not in the same way! I agree to speak with the hospital staff. This isn't their first rodeo. Now if the part you dread is dealing with her before and after you deny her access, you could pull a page from her book and just lie. Call her after the birth and tell her you didn't get the chance to call bc labor and delivery went too fast. But maybe come up with a better lie than that. I hate to advise to do that but I'd also hate for you to have to deal with manipulation and theatrics while dealing with a newborn. Good luck!

Eora3 · June 2014

It is such a painful thing to realize that you have a broken sense of "normal". I have been there. Just remember that you have a wonderful opportunity to redefine what "normal" looks like for your own family now. Take charge and protect yourself and your new baby from unhealthy people.

MrsNash37212 · June 2014

Everyone has covered everything that I would say. Just to reassure you though, even if she gets wind of the impending arrival and causes a scene, NO ONE will be on her side. Anyone who can't handle being excluded from a birthing room (except the father I suppose) will be seen as crazy, no matter how manipulative or charming she is. It's a very personal thing and lots of people don't want their vagina on display for anyone to see, even their mom. Good luck and I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

agsgrrl · June 2014

I was worried about my mom getting upset that I only want my fiancé in there. But I was pleasantly surprised llwhen she mentioned how packed it would be in the waiting room and that she didn't have anybody but my dad in the room either. Whew. I would recommend reasoning with her but we all know that doesn't work with some people

starfruit14 · June 2014

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I agree with the others about not calling until you are pushing. Not only that you have every right to decide who you want in the room with you.

jenkellen · June 2014

I am so sorry to hear this. I think you've already got great advice.

Don't let her make you feel bad about the decisions you are making. It is in the best interest of you and your child to reduce stress as much as possible during delivery. Even when she complains after you'll know it was the right thing to do as a mom.

JulieSC81 · June 2014

I also want to add that, although we put the lock on, we told family that it was a special moment between us that we wanted to keep between us and no one but us would be in the room. I mean, that is completely understandable. I have a good relationship with my mom and my sister is my BFF but i did not want them in the room. Good luck hon

. P.s: i cut my other parent off completely years ago for abusive behavior.

ezridax · June 2014

I am so sorry you've had to deal with this type of ridiculously childish behavior from your mother your whole life. Now is a great time to force her to realize that this crap won't fly anymore especially once you're a mother yourself.

Like others have said have the nurses be your bodyguards. Hold your ground and don't let her talk you into folding. Having an unwanted presence while in labor can stall it quite a bit.

hellopartyof5 · June 2014

Family drama is the worst. I have major issues with "mommy dearest" as I so fondly like to call her. To make matters worse, she's a maternity nurse so she thinks she can help me. What she doesn't understand is the very act of her breathing makes me want to punch her in the face. (She just stayed over for the whole weekend... I'm obviously tense). From the very beginning I've told her I want my birth to be about me and MH. We will be the only people in the room and it will be our moment. She's sad, but it's not about her and I refuse to just let her in there to make her happy. Sometimes I let her have her way because it's easier. This time, I refuse to let it e about her. I recommend you try and empower yourself (like I'm doing) and stand up for yourself here. This is the birth of your baby and it's a HUGE moment in your life. It shouldn't be about other people at all.

desertsun · June 2014

I love what @Eora had to say -- she seems to really understand and have healthy, practical advice for you.

I just want to add that I'm sorry you have such a complicated relationship with your mom. I hope that you're able to establish those boundaries you need to for yourself and your kids. Best wishes for you!

roleanagrant · June 2014

Well good news is that whoever you dont want in there, cant be in there. Just make sure to tell your nurse that you dont want her in there or when its okay for her to be there. The hospital wants you to be as calm and stress free as possible and will make sure that you stay as happy as you can while your there.

CandEChicago · June 2014

I am not going to cover much new ground but wanted to say I am sorry to hear about your mom.

I think you received great advice but have you also thought about those first couple of weeks at home? How will you feel then and will she be truly helpful? You might want to think about what ground rules you may want.

Now a small part of me would want to tell her she does not to get to see her grandchild until she starts to recognize her other grandchildren....God for bid her fear if looking "older" should appear instead that she doesn't care about them.

RayRay007 · June 2014

We weren't planning on telling the ILs until DD was born because we didn't want them hanging around the hospital while I was in labour. I don't think it's terrible to not tell her in advance. You can also tell the staff who is and is not allowed; nurses should be capable of fending off your mother.

ColeyCannoli · June 2014

PugLife5869 said:

I think everyone has covered the situation but I wanted to offer some additional and probably unwarranted advice. Have you talked with a therapist or counselor about this? I had a lot of issues with my mother for a long time and I let her control me and my emotions for far too long. I started seeing a therapist who helped me not only learn how to deal with what she was saying and doing to me but helped me learn how to deal with her. It have me the confidence to finally dictate how I deserved to be treated. Our relationship has completely changed since then. I also have a MIL who sounds a lot like your mother except she isn't a beauty queen. She is so concerned with appearances and says the most inappropriate things. When I found out that I was having a girl I had a talk with my DH and told him that I was not going to brush off his moms behavior anymore just because that is what they have always done. I would not allow her to talk that way around my daughter or be critical of her. It took quite a while to get her to fully accept that I would not put up with her crap but at this point she is on her best behavior around us. I guess what I'm getting at is start working on her now. It may take a while but she can change. I don't believe that anyone is too old to change. Feel free to completely disregard anything I'm saying. I just know how much this has helped me and I am not a confrontational person at all.

I won't disregard this because I really appreciate it. I had a counselor for a while who really helped me through a lot a few years ago. I'm sure it wouldn't surprise anyone that my upbringing left me with issues with depression and anxiety. I haven't found a new counselor since I moved out of that area but I think it would help to have a professional to talk to sometimes. I was going to look some up just in case I'm hit with PPD. Luckily my insurance covers it. Like I said, one of my biggest issues is not always knowing exactly where the line between normal-weird and destructive is and you'd be surprised how much it helps just to hear people validate my feelings here. My baby is so much more important to me than keeping my mom happy. Anything I can do to protect him/her from a toxic environment needs to be done.

I'm really grateful that everyone has been so understanding and has great advice for this.

Thank you!

CandEChicago · June 2014

ColeyCannoli said:
I'm really grateful that everyone has been so understanding and has great advice for this.
Thank you!

Of course! What else would we do? We aren't complete meanies.

nesenotes · June 2014

Everyone already gave you stellar advice. I will say trust yourself. Once you have a child something just changes and your bullshit tolerance drops really low. You may surprise yourself. But it sounds like some healthy boundaries are needed to be put in place.

Wulfgar · June 2014

Hopefully your hospital is like ours. No one gets through security to the maternity ward without permission. The mother to the LO has all the power to decide who is allowed in. You are given a badge and signed in and out. This makes it real easy to keep people out that you don't want in your room for delivery.

As others have stated also, I wouldn't call your mother until after you give birth and you are recovering.

klmurner · June 2014

I agree with MissChristineMarie... First, I'd have a conversation directly with her about it beforehand so that she isn't caught off guard. I think she would be more upset if she spends the next 6 months thinking that she was going to be a part of it and then disappointed when she either is told at the hospital or is told after the baby has already been born.

Then, I would let all the doctors/nurses/immediate family know. They can help run blocker. My family was a godsend at my wedding with my alcoholic, abusive grandmother. I hardly even knew she was there.

Last but not least, this IS about you. It isn't anything to stress over. Put your ducks in a row now and shrug the rest off. It will all fall into place and she will only be a part of what you really want her to be a part of. If she has a hard time, she will either get over it, or not... But at least you won't need to be stressed about it anymore.

kayak11 · June 2014

Everyone has already given great advice! Just wanted to say that you don't need any additional stress when you're trying to have a baby. You want as many supportive people around as possible!

ColeyCannoli · June 2014

CandEChicago said:

I'm really grateful that everyone has been so understanding and has great advice for this.
Thank you!

Of course! What else would we do? We aren't complete meanies.

**********

lol, you are all the nicest bishes I've ever met :P

turkeyleg5 · June 2014

I agree with what a lot of people have said.

Also, I wanted to confirm what @Wulfgar said regarding security. I was a support person for my sister for three births at two different hospitals, and in each case the security was pretty intense. They didn't want random people walking around a hospital wing filled with babies. If you weren't on the pre-approved list, there was NO WAY that you could talk your way through security. Not sure if all hospitals are like this, but this was my experience.

lilahbean13 · June 2014

First pregnancy my mom wanted to be in the room. I didn't want this at all for so many reasons that I can't even list. It took all of 9 months to convince her that I was not changing my mind. I simply told her that the birth of our child was a moment that I wanted to keep between h and I. She threw a fit. It was bad. We didn't talk for a whole. She only came out to see the baby once in the first three months (she saw us elsewhere at bday parties and such though) I just had to stand up for what I felt was right for us. It wasn't pretty though. The nurses out signs up that said no one can visit until a certain time so she had no way of sneaking in there either...sorry I'm no help but I can say I have been right there and it's not fun!!

NerdyNurse · June 2014

You can also ask your nurse to be "unpublished". That means no one will give out what room you are in. But that means that other friends and family members can't ask the hospital staff where you are either. You could always personally text your room number to those you want to see

path75 · June 2014

I haven't read all the advice above but I can tell you what my hubby and I decided. I am a very private person and I love my family to death. But we decided that birth is going to be "OUR" experience and not the whole family's experience. I don't know how quite to break it to them just yet. I hope they will be supportive. I just think there are some things in life you don't have to share. This will not be mom's first grandchild but will be my MIL's. I hope I don't catch too much slack. We will let them know after the baby is born. I told my husband if he wants someone there for support I am fine with that but I just don't want crowds of people while I am in pain.

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