AP Potty Training AKA My Personal Hell crazy long

beautiflaw · June 2014

Warning: Real ranty and long but I do need some legit advice if you have any. Thanks.

Is there an effective way to do AP/Gentle/Non-Emotionally Harming potty training for a super stubborn toddler and extremely stressed out high anxiety mom?

Seriously, potty training is literally giving me panic attacks (I have anxiety disorder, and I don't take meds because everything I've tried either gives me bad side effects or makes me too drowsy to care for my daughter) and migraines and crying spells. I am at my wit's end. I really am.

My daughter is 2, will be 3 in September, and we've been potty training off an on since she was 13 months old. She knows pretty much everything there is to know about the toilet. She can put on and take off her pants, she can step on the stool and sit down, she can wash her hands just fine and does a passable job of wiping her own bottom and flushing. She knows what pee and poop are and she's comfortable using the potty. She can pee and poop on the potty with no problems. The only problem is that she only does it when she wants to. And if she doesn't want to, she just goes wherever.

See, here's the thing. She was completely potty trained. For real. She started showing signs of readiness at 13 months and our pediatrician recommended getting a potty seat for her and letting her try it. We didn't push it or pressure her, she just wanted to. She immediately took to it and loved it. She was totally potty trained for day by 18 months. She almost never had accidents and even stayed dry through the night and during naps on several occasions. She never was scared of going poop on the potty or using public restrooms. I was thrilled and she was happy too. I know this might be hard to believe (my friends who rarely see us don't believe me, I've been accused of lying to make my parenting seem impressive or my daughter seem special) but its true. Whatever... anyway...

Then right before her 2nd birthday we had to move across the country. It was very stressful for everyone and she regressed completely back to diapers. By this time I thought she was potty trained, so I had already given away all of her cloth diapers to my expectant friends who wanted them. She has super sensitive skin, so when she regressed back (refusing to go in the toilet, asking for a diaper, saying she doesn't want to be a 'big girl' or wear panties anymore...) I ended up having to buy expensive diapers and expensive wipes for her. I didn't want to buy a whole new cloth stash since I thought after the stress of moving was over she'd go back to the potty. Also we moved into an apartment with a washing machine that is sooo not cloth friendly. There is no way... ugh. Anyway, that was in September.

Well, the holidays happened which is always stressful and we did a lot of traveling. I also became very ill. We decided to wait until after the holidays to start trying to get her back out of diapers. Around New Years she started showing interest in the potty again (while in the bathtub she'd want to be put on the potty so she wouldn't soil her bathwater, and she asked us for panties with Bubble Guppies on them) so we started back at square one for potty training. This time we tried the 3 day thing which was really wrong of me. That was too stressful for her. We had a little bit of success but I think I freaked her out. We quit to give her a mental break from it. Then my BIL came to live with us and that was a big change for her. She's only just now got used to him being here all the time. Now she's showing interest again but I'm scared to start with pottying all over again after everything... It's so ridiculously messy and I do 98% of the house cleaning, so I know when we start again it's going to be disgusting around here...

She now has several dolls with potties, about 6-7 books (with more on the way from Amazon and on hold for us at the library), 5-6 movies/shows, and I've tried sticker charts and jellybeans as rewards. (Also gift surprises, the potty fairy/diaper fairy, and literally all that Pinterest has to offer) I've also tried a cardboard crown with jewel stickers (she gets a jewel sticker for her crown every time she goes). She has playdough, markers, coloring books, puzzles, and other toys she only gets when she's on the potty. I've bought her potty seats and toilet seat adapters, I've had her tested for UTIs, and I've promised her everything under the sun to motivate her. (Such as, if she stays dry for a full day I'll allow her to choose a bottle of her own nail polish, and if she stays dry for a full week we will take her camping) I have done EVERYTHING that the books, blogs, forums, and my relatives have told me to do. She's watched me use the bathroom, she's seen my underwear collection, I've taken her underwear shopping, she KNOWS what to do. She just won't.

Again, that probably sounds hard to believe for some people. But she's stubborn. I told her just yesterday that only babies wear diapers and that big girls wear panties. She told me that she's a big girl who wears a diaper. I laughed at the time but now it depresses me. She has an answer for everything and I can't reason with her. I'm afraid that if I argue with her or pressure her she will regress even further and she will become traumatized and stressed out.

I think that to her, wearing a diaper is just easy. She knows that I will keep her clean and dry for her, so she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to. She doesn't care if she's wet or has a poopie diaper. She would play all day in her own filth and never bat an eyelash. But of course I would never allow that. Once, it was suggested to me that I let her stay in wet trainers until she complained. I tried it once and she never said anything for over an hour and the next day she had a bad rash. I'm not going to try that again. Her skin is too delicate and I'm not going to do anything that would damage her health in the name of toilet training.

After everything I've tried, I have no idea what else I can do to motivate her. I really don't think it's to do with "readiness" on her part because she learned it once and did it almost perfectly for months. Also, she's physically and mentally able, since she understands the purpose of the potty and so on, and she knows how to use it. She does use it 3-4 times a week on her own, just because she wants to.

The reason why I'm having anxiety over it is because most of the daycares in our area (and all of the ones that I feel comfortable allowing her attend) insist upon all the 3 year old kids being potty trained. She won't be able to attend if not. I need to go back to work and I need her to go to daycare asap. We don't know anyone in our area (our family and close friends live over 1800 miles away) and I can't afford a nanny, etc.

Also, she is big for her age. She's very tall and articulate so people think she's 4, like, all the time. I've had people come up and ask me what is wrong with me allowing my 4 year old to wear diapers. I recently took her to the emergency room and our nurse (she didn't bother to read my daughter's chart I guess) started asking me why my daughter is in diapers. I said she wasn't potty trained and she asked if she had special needs. I said no and then she went on a rant about why perfectly healthy 4 year olds ought to be potty trained. When I finally told her that my daughter was only 2 (I couldn't get a word in edgewise....) she looked at me like I had 3 heads. I'm getting fed up with it. It's getting to the point where it's hard to find mommy friends in my new area and friends for her too because I'm afraid they'll be judge-y over her pottying... My friends and family are giving me problems over it now. Not to mention how expensive her diapers and wipes have become and my husband is constantly agonizing over money.

I'm scared to death of harming her psychologically somehow over this. She is super happy and I don't want to stress her out over this, but her stubbornness is really hard to get around. If I ask her if she needs to go (in a calm voice) she loses her mind. Starts having a tantrum just because I asked her if she needs to go! If I tell her to go to the bathroom she screams, starts flailing her arms and legs and fighting me, and won't sit down on the toilet. She'll wrap her arms and legs around me and scream like she's being stabbed. I live in an apartment building and I don't feel like getting evicted, so I don't push her at all simply to avoid screaming. (She knows if she starts screaming I'll back down... she's way too smart...) I have no clue what to do now or where to go from here.

Any help or kind words would be nice. Thanks.

ellenrunyon · June 2014

My dd is only 7m old, so I am not speaking from experience, but I agree w @ClaryPax‌. It sounds like you have a very stongwilled daughter and she is going to need to call the shots, just as she did at 18m. A break will prob be good for her.

My bf had a similar situation w her son and finally gave up. One day he took off his diaper, peed in the pot and declared he was finished w diapers. And he was!

I'm mentally bookmarking this b/c my baby is VERY strongwilled, and has been from day 1. I will prob be here too in a few years. Good luck!!!

blu-eyedwife · June 2014

I second @ClaryPax. It doesn't sound like she's ready, and all the changes and pressure are going to make her push back. With all the changes going on, it might be more comforting to her to be a "baby" and be taken care of. Life is scary and stressful when you're little. Her being "stubborn" sounds like she's clinging to what's familiar and less scary. I would give it a rest until she starts initiating again.

beautiflaw · June 2014

That's the thing, she has started initiating again in little ways, like asking for panties and saying she wants to sit on the potty when she's in her bathtub, and when I put her on the toilet she pees or poops in it just fine. It's just that she's picking and choosing her times and won't go consistently. I think that for some reason she thinks she can go to toilet when she wants, and also use the bathroom in her pants if she wants and both are perfectly fine and acceptable.

TiffanyBerry · June 2014

She will grow out of that at some point - especially if you have her playing around other kids her age and she's the only one who does that. I'm not always a fan of peer pressure, but there is something about knowing what is normal. (Also, I think it's possible that she *does* care, but she's pretending she doesn't.)

blondie10m · June 2014

We used lora Jensen's 3 day method ($8 book on the kindle app on my iPhone) on my stubborn 3 year old and it worked great. She does suggest going back to diapers for 2 months before training with her method but it is not required but sounds like it may be helpful for your daughter to remove negative associations. But the method is all about having your child learn their own body signals and taking the lead and there is only positive reinforcement. There is no forcing sitting on the potty on a schedule or while playing. Good luck!

neverblushed · June 2014

I will admit I didn't read your whole post. However, I wanted to share that my DD was very similar to yours.

She started showing signs of readiness at about 14 months, and she was potty trained by 18 months. I was so proud of myself. I must have been such a great mom to achieve that feat, right? Hah. What a doofus I was! As if it had anything to do with me and my parenting.

That lasted right up until about the time she turned 2. Then she started peeing while she was in her carseat. Then she ramped it up to more and more accidents each day. It was 100% about her having something she could control and 0% about actually using the potty. She'd pee before leaving the house and STILL manage to make a little squirt in the carseat.

Here's now I solved it: I gave total control to her. She was very verbal at age 2, so I just said, "I know you can make all your pee and poop in the potty, but it seems like you don't want to do that now. Kiddo, it's your body and it's your pee. You can make it wherever you want to. But if you don't want to pee in the potty, you have to wear a diaper. Would you like to wear a diaper or big girl panties today?" Her answer, "A diaper." "Fine," I said, and put her back in a diaper.

That was at about 26 months, with the Christmas holidays/travel/visits to grandparents/dressy outfits staring me in the face. For a few months, I didn't mention it at all and neither did she. Occasionally she would ask to use the potty, but she wore a diaper every day. Then after a few months, I began to sometimes ask her in the morning if she wanted to wear a diaper or panties. She continued to ask for a diaper, and I would let her. Sometimes, I would say, "One day you'll decide to make all your pee in the potty. When you're ready to do that, let me know. But for now, if you want to wear a diaper, it's up to you." At exactly 30 months, she asked for panties, and she was 100% potty trained from that day forward.

A younger toddler, especially a girl toddler, can exert the physical control and may cooperate with you. But sometimes a 2 year old needs to exert her will. She knew using the potty was a button she could push with me, and the answer was for me to let her have the control she was looking for.

neverblushed · June 2014

I agree with ClaryPax's assessment that your DD is physically ready but not emotionally ready. Using the potty is a big commitment. You have to stop doing whatever you want to do and ask to go to the bathroom, you have to pay attention to your body's signals -- there's some pressure to do it "right" and not make mistakes.

Looking back on this now that my DD is a teenager, her actions with potty training are 100% consistent with her emotional reaction to any new challenge. She is precocious and talented, but has a healthy streak of perfectionism, and she only likes to do things if she knows she'll succeed. I have a devil of a time getting her to try stuff that's out of her comfort zone, despite the fact that she's very good at many things she tries. I know this is what made her rebel against using the potty. It's just part of who my kid is!!

aglenn · June 2014

Yeah, I agree with ClaryPax and neverblushed. I thought for a while that my DD would never potty train but she is just the type of kid who needs to do things when she wants to, and the more I try to push her into things she's not comfortable with the more she will resist. If I don't care and just let her take the lead she will make the change amazingly well in her own time. She did not potty train until a little past age 3 but when she did it was very sudden one day, and once she made up her mind she did not want a diaper at night or during the day at all. She has had very few accidents ever since.

beautiflaw · July 2014

neverblushed said:

I will admit I didn't read your whole post. However, I wanted to share that my DD was very similar to yours.

She started showing signs of readiness at about 14 months, and she was potty trained by 18 months. I was so proud of myself. I must have been such a great mom to achieve that feat, right? Hah. What a doofus I was! As if it had anything to do with me and my parenting.

That lasted right up until about the time she turned 2. Then she started peeing while she was in her carseat. Then she ramped it up to more and more accidents each day. It was 100% about her having something she could control and 0% about actually using the potty. She'd pee before leaving the house and STILL manage to make a little squirt in the carseat.

Here's now I solved it: I gave total control to her. She was very verbal at age 2, so I just said, "I know you can make all your pee and poop in the potty, but it seems like you don't want to do that now. Kiddo, it's your body and it's your pee. You can make it wherever you want to. But if you don't want to pee in the potty, you have to wear a diaper. Would you like to wear a diaper or big girl panties today?" Her answer, "A diaper." "Fine," I said, and put her back in a diaper.

That was at about 26 months, with the Christmas holidays/travel/visits to grandparents/dressy outfits staring me in the face. For a few months, I didn't mention it at all and neither did she. Occasionally she would ask to use the potty, but she wore a diaper every day. Then after a few months, I began to sometimes ask her in the morning if she wanted to wear a diaper or panties. She continued to ask for a diaper, and I would let her. Sometimes, I would say, "One day you'll decide to make all your pee in the potty. When you're ready to do that, let me know. But for now, if you want to wear a diaper, it's up to you." At exactly 30 months, she asked for panties, and she was 100% potty trained from that day forward.

A younger toddler, especially a girl toddler, can exert the physical control and may cooperate with you. But sometimes a 2 year old needs to exert her will. She knew using the potty was a button she could push with me, and the answer was for me to let her have the control she was looking for.

I think this is absolutely the answer. I tried doing exactly this, giving her a choice, and a few times she chose a diaper. I let her have the diaper but kept showing her her pretty underwear. I let her help me pick out my own underwear for the day. And then she started choosing panties and I started holding her up in the mirror so she could see how they looked on her compared to the diaper, and showing her how her pants fit much better with panties than a diaper. I think that was the turning point for her. She chooses underwear every single time now!! And she has been 4 days with no accidents!!! I wish I had known sooner!

beautiflaw · July 2014

neverblushed said:

I agree with ClaryPax's assessment that your DD is physically ready but not emotionally ready. Using the potty is a big commitment. You have to stop doing whatever you want to do and ask to go to the bathroom, you have to pay attention to your body's signals -- there's some pressure to do it "right" and not make mistakes.

Looking back on this now that my DD is a teenager, her actions with potty training are 100% consistent with her emotional reaction to any new challenge. She is precocious and talented, but has a healthy streak of perfectionism, and she only likes to do things if she knows she'll succeed. I have a devil of a time getting her to try stuff that's out of her comfort zone, despite the fact that she's very good at many things she tries. I know this is what made her rebel against using the potty. It's just part of who my kid is!!

I am like this too and my mom says I had a terrible time learning how to go potty. My daughter is so much like me in this way that its scary! I have no doubt that this is part of the problem. Now that she's had some success and rewards, she feels more confident and has been accident-free for 4 days!

yeah. · July 2014

Leave her alone. She's not ready. You cannot force someone to potty train. I'd out her back in diapers (without snide remarks about being a baby...) and try again in a few months.

beautiflaw · July 2014

yeah. said:

Leave her alone. She's not ready. You cannot force someone to potty train. I'd out her back in diapers (without snide remarks about being a baby...) and try again in a few months.

Did you read any part of my post or comments? I would never dream of forcing her and my whole post was about how to motivate her interest and keep her interested without forcing her! Also, I would never make snide or hurtful remarks to my child.

Also, a few days after I made this post she had a turning point and decided she did want to use the potty full time. She has not used a diaper or training pants in over a week and has not had a single accident in almost 6 days.

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