Late Term and Child Loss
BoraBoraBaby
member
My little Madeleine
BoraBoraBaby
member
TICKER WARNING
DETAIL/CONTENT WARNING
I'm very new to this board but was very active in the July 14 board and those ladies carried me through my pregnancy. I first want to say that I'm so sorry for each of your losses. It's so unfair that anyone should have to go through this.
My Madeleine was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 just after our anatomy scan. It was difficult but I chose to continue the pregnancy. I had already had one miscarriage at 6-7 weeks and a chemical pregnancy, then this. I just couldn't bare to lose another baby just yet, especially now that I've seen her seemingly perfectly formed body and have felt her move.
At 36 weeks, I had an ultrasound that showed things were getting worse. We chose to induce in hopes that I could meet her. She was born and my dreams of meeting her alive came true, but I didn't anticipate the disconnection and pain I'd feel when I held her.
She held on for 4 days. It was a beautiful gift but brought so much pain. I felt so maternal towards her at times and other times I couldn't even hold her. I have so much guilt about those wasted moments, I feel like I should've been holding her the whole time.
On that 4th morning, I saw that she didn't look well. Her coloring had changed. I held her from 5:30am until she passed in my arms at 1:30 that afternoon, only passing her occasionally to my mother and DH. I can still feel her in my arms.
I can hardly breathe when I think about it. I know she wasn't going to have the best quality of life, but I miss her so much. I am so consumed by it and I just want to feel better.
I wanted to share her photo. I love her so much and just want her to be in a better place. I wish I could know for sure that she's still with me. I felt her presence so strongly the first few days after, and now I feel like she's so far away.
DETAIL/CONTENT WARNING
I'm very new to this board but was very active in the July 14 board and those ladies carried me through my pregnancy. I first want to say that I'm so sorry for each of your losses. It's so unfair that anyone should have to go through this.
My Madeleine was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 just after our anatomy scan. It was difficult but I chose to continue the pregnancy. I had already had one miscarriage at 6-7 weeks and a chemical pregnancy, then this. I just couldn't bare to lose another baby just yet, especially now that I've seen her seemingly perfectly formed body and have felt her move.
At 36 weeks, I had an ultrasound that showed things were getting worse. We chose to induce in hopes that I could meet her. She was born and my dreams of meeting her alive came true, but I didn't anticipate the disconnection and pain I'd feel when I held her.
She held on for 4 days. It was a beautiful gift but brought so much pain. I felt so maternal towards her at times and other times I couldn't even hold her. I have so much guilt about those wasted moments, I feel like I should've been holding her the whole time.
On that 4th morning, I saw that she didn't look well. Her coloring had changed. I held her from 5:30am until she passed in my arms at 1:30 that afternoon, only passing her occasionally to my mother and DH. I can still feel her in my arms.
I can hardly breathe when I think about it. I know she wasn't going to have the best quality of life, but I miss her so much. I am so consumed by it and I just want to feel better.
I wanted to share her photo. I love her so much and just want her to be in a better place. I wish I could know for sure that she's still with me. I felt her presence so strongly the first few days after, and now I feel like she's so far away.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: My little Madeleine
Brooke Elizabeth born Feb 17, 2013 grew wings May 9, 2013 @ 11 weeks & 4 days old from SIDS
Ticker warning
((hugs)) mama, Madeleine is so beautiful! I'm so so sorry for your loss. Please feel welcome to post here as often or as little as you need to. You and your family are in my prayers.
My Pregnancy/Parenting BLOG TTC since 5/2011, BFP #1 12/3/11, M/C 12/7/11 @ 4wks 2d. Began seeing RE Sep 2012. October 2012 Metformin 1500 mg= ovulation on CD34 BFP#2 11/14/12 9DPO, EDD 7/26/13, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks, our angel born sleeping 3/24/13 @ 22wks 2d. BFP #3 7/4/13 8DPO EDD 3/22/14, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks. started insulin @16 wks. Our rainbow, born 3/19/14 @ 39wks 6d., we're so in love!
Asher born February 5, 2011.
Baby #2 born sleeping at 20 weeks. May 6, 2014.
Me 32 (Stage IV Endometriosis, short luteal phase) DH 38
Married 5/2010
January 2014- DS born healthy at 35.4 weeks
February 2014- DS passed away due to complications from adenovirus
February 2015- Rainbow baby DD born at 36.3 weeks
My chart: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/42fd32
I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Madeleine...she is absolutely beautiful.
Don't be so hard on yourself for the times you felt unconnected...in times of great stress our bodies/minds do what they need to do to survive and that is what you did. You are an awesome mom and madeleine knows how much you love her.
big ((hugs))
8/12-Suprise BFP- Sweet Bunny Born Sleeping 11/21/12 (19 weeks)
-5/7/13- MMC (8 Weeks)
11/6/13- BO discovered at 7 weeks- natural MC 11/25/13
8/14- Surpise IF dx...low AMH (.24)- moving on to IVF
IVF #1- 11/14- 6R5M4F=2 perfect frosties
12/19/14- FET of 2 embabies = BFP!!! One Little Bean EDD: 9/3/15
Everyone Welcome.
NTNP 2009-2012 TTC since 2012:
Jack has handpicked his sibling up there
My blog about IF and loss ... Kate's IF Blog
I am so very sorry for your loss of your sweet baby girl. She is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story. I am thinking of you and sending so many hugs.
Ava's Story
BFP#2 10/18/13 Blighted ovum 11/25/13
BFP #3 1/31/14 EDD 10/18/14 -- It's a GIRL!
TTC since 10/2010
IUIs # 1-5 = BFFN
IVF # 1(July 2012) = BFN
IVF # 2 (November 2012) = BFP (MIssed MC D&C @ 8w3d on 1/10/13)
Thank you all for your kind words. It's easy to let the grief take over and tell me everything I might've done wrong. It's helpful to know that what I'm feeling is normal but not to accept it as the truth. You ladies are wonderful.