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TTC After a Loss
anitaflora
member
Another goodbye (anitaflora)
anitaflora
member
(prior successful pregnancy mentioned in context)
Oh ladies... I was hoping not to be writing this.
I've been gradually less and less able to participate as much as I used to and I've felt a lot of guilt about that. You all have been so, so supportive to me for so long. And when I say "you" I mean any lurkers too that have moved on to PGAL or PAL. I cannot tell you enough how much this board has meant to me as a source of strength and support for so long. Two years now that I've been part of this board in one way or another. I hope in some way I've been able to help others even a fraction of the amount you all have helped me through this journey.
While my husband and I, I think, still need to have one more talk for closure about this, I am 99.999999% sure this is the end of our TTCAL journey. Unless he has a change of heart where he's 100% on board with wanting to try again (which I doubt very much) and the RE still thinks that there's a chance, AND I still have the endurance on all levels to go through another round of IVF... unless all those things happen.... this is the end. And even if that were to happen somehow, I think it would still be time for me to say goodbye now. I just don't have the strength to be a support to anyone right now, even though I wish I could be. And should I somehow, someday, be lucky enough to by some miracle have another successful pregnancy, I would definitely go back to PGAL again. But realistically, the chances of all those things happening are not at all in my favor.
I had taken a test yesterday morning, so I knew (again) that the blood test was going to be negative. And I knew this was the end of our journey, And I've been trying to wrap my head around that and process all the grief that, for all this time, after every loss, I thought there was still a chance another time might work out. Now I don't have that hope any longer. And each loss, each individual experience I've had in the last two and a half years, just came back to me all at once.
But I'm going to be okay. I am just so, so extremely grateful that I was given the opportunity to try IVF, even though it didn't work out. And even though we may be leaving one chance on the table. I know, with every part of my being, I know without a doubt now that I really have done everything I possibly could do. There is nothing, absolutely nothing more I could have done than everything I've done at this point. I'm also going to start seeing a therapist and have made my first appointment so that I can sort through a lot of this stuff. I think I just need a little help in processing the whole experience as well as where my marriage is right now.
I may be hanging out on PAL now and then. I'd really like to, because I am still technically parenting after a loss. But, this is a pretty raw and vulnerable time right now and I'm not at all sure that I'm ready to participate there fully at this time.
Lastly... as fate would have it, a very, very special song came on. So I'm sharing it with you as I leave you all and have made it part of my signature as I go. It wasn't written about infertility. It was written about the end of a relationship, presumably a romantic one. But so, so much of it just hit home for me as I was listening. Granted, a few lines don't make sense at all but a lot do, and the sentiment that I am moving on from something that has been such a painful experience for me for so long... because I was devoted to this dream... because I wanted my fairy tale... that's what moves me and brought me to tears as I listened yesterday. The link to the actual song preview is through an npr.org player, so you may need to be at a computer for it. But, if my story has touched you in any way, and even if you don't like Phish, I hope you will give this a listen anyway.
One day, when I have the strength and ability to, I really, really hope I can make a difference in other people's lives through advocacy and awareness somehow. I want to give back. I want to somehow make something good out of this experience since I won't have a happy ending any other way.
I don't know what else to say.
Thank you again.
I love you all and wish nothing but all the best for each and every one of you.
Listen here (desktop): https://www.npr.org/player/v2/mediaPlayer.html?action=1&t=1&islist=false&id=320981203&m=321002616
Or here (mobile) & scroll to song: https://www.npr.org/2014/06/15/
Devotion to a Dream - Phish
no more promises that no one could keep
no more lies to keep us from sleep
no more phone calls when you don't say what you mean
I've got faith in a fairytale, devotion to a dream
it's today the vows are broken
it's today the charade is over
it's today the curtain's coming down
now the battle-lines are chosen
it's today my eyes are open
it's today the time to turn around
no more knowing glances or places we can hide
no more chances to keep this thing alive
the two of us together it wasn't in the grand scheme
all it was was a fairytale and devotion to a dream
devotion to a dream
no more promises no more keeping score
no more wondering what I stay here for
we broke the awkward silence with polite and practiced lies
though we were just preparing our goodbyes
a long and fruitless voyage that stranded us upstream
all it was was a fairytale and devotion to a dream
devotion to a dream
yesterday my path was chosen
yesterday my smile was frozen
yesterday my doors were closing down
tomorrow I can cross the border
it's today a new world-order
yesterday my head was spinning round
now i see where this is leading
tomorrow glaciers are receding
now I'm mending things I broke inside
I'm completing thoughts unspoken
now I see that webs were woven
now I keep the windows open wide
it's today...
Edited: They must have changed some words around or this was written incorrectly. Corrected lyrics.
Oh ladies... I was hoping not to be writing this.
I've been gradually less and less able to participate as much as I used to and I've felt a lot of guilt about that. You all have been so, so supportive to me for so long. And when I say "you" I mean any lurkers too that have moved on to PGAL or PAL. I cannot tell you enough how much this board has meant to me as a source of strength and support for so long. Two years now that I've been part of this board in one way or another. I hope in some way I've been able to help others even a fraction of the amount you all have helped me through this journey.
While my husband and I, I think, still need to have one more talk for closure about this, I am 99.999999% sure this is the end of our TTCAL journey. Unless he has a change of heart where he's 100% on board with wanting to try again (which I doubt very much) and the RE still thinks that there's a chance, AND I still have the endurance on all levels to go through another round of IVF... unless all those things happen.... this is the end. And even if that were to happen somehow, I think it would still be time for me to say goodbye now. I just don't have the strength to be a support to anyone right now, even though I wish I could be. And should I somehow, someday, be lucky enough to by some miracle have another successful pregnancy, I would definitely go back to PGAL again. But realistically, the chances of all those things happening are not at all in my favor.
I had taken a test yesterday morning, so I knew (again) that the blood test was going to be negative. And I knew this was the end of our journey, And I've been trying to wrap my head around that and process all the grief that, for all this time, after every loss, I thought there was still a chance another time might work out. Now I don't have that hope any longer. And each loss, each individual experience I've had in the last two and a half years, just came back to me all at once.
But I'm going to be okay. I am just so, so extremely grateful that I was given the opportunity to try IVF, even though it didn't work out. And even though we may be leaving one chance on the table. I know, with every part of my being, I know without a doubt now that I really have done everything I possibly could do. There is nothing, absolutely nothing more I could have done than everything I've done at this point. I'm also going to start seeing a therapist and have made my first appointment so that I can sort through a lot of this stuff. I think I just need a little help in processing the whole experience as well as where my marriage is right now.
I may be hanging out on PAL now and then. I'd really like to, because I am still technically parenting after a loss. But, this is a pretty raw and vulnerable time right now and I'm not at all sure that I'm ready to participate there fully at this time.
Lastly... as fate would have it, a very, very special song came on. So I'm sharing it with you as I leave you all and have made it part of my signature as I go. It wasn't written about infertility. It was written about the end of a relationship, presumably a romantic one. But so, so much of it just hit home for me as I was listening. Granted, a few lines don't make sense at all but a lot do, and the sentiment that I am moving on from something that has been such a painful experience for me for so long... because I was devoted to this dream... because I wanted my fairy tale... that's what moves me and brought me to tears as I listened yesterday. The link to the actual song preview is through an npr.org player, so you may need to be at a computer for it. But, if my story has touched you in any way, and even if you don't like Phish, I hope you will give this a listen anyway.
One day, when I have the strength and ability to, I really, really hope I can make a difference in other people's lives through advocacy and awareness somehow. I want to give back. I want to somehow make something good out of this experience since I won't have a happy ending any other way.
I don't know what else to say.
Thank you again.
I love you all and wish nothing but all the best for each and every one of you.
Listen here (desktop): https://www.npr.org/player/v2/mediaPlayer.html?action=1&t=1&islist=false&id=320981203&m=321002616
Or here (mobile) & scroll to song: https://www.npr.org/2014/06/15/
Devotion to a Dream - Phish
no more promises that no one could keep
no more lies to keep us from sleep
no more phone calls when you don't say what you mean
I've got faith in a fairytale, devotion to a dream
it's today the vows are broken
it's today the charade is over
it's today the curtain's coming down
now the battle-lines are chosen
it's today my eyes are open
it's today the time to turn around
no more knowing glances or places we can hide
no more chances to keep this thing alive
the two of us together it wasn't in the grand scheme
all it was was a fairytale and devotion to a dream
devotion to a dream
no more promises no more keeping score
no more wondering what I stay here for
we broke the awkward silence with polite and practiced lies
though we were just preparing our goodbyes
a long and fruitless voyage that stranded us upstream
all it was was a fairytale and devotion to a dream
devotion to a dream
yesterday my path was chosen
yesterday my smile was frozen
yesterday my doors were closing down
tomorrow I can cross the border
it's today a new world-order
yesterday my head was spinning round
now i see where this is leading
tomorrow glaciers are receding
now I'm mending things I broke inside
I'm completing thoughts unspoken
now I see that webs were woven
now I keep the windows open wide
it's today...
Edited: They must have changed some words around or this was written incorrectly. Corrected lyrics.
dream 1 CAME TRUE 2.13.2010
<dream 2> 12.2011
2.10.12 : 4 weeks
6.17.12 : 10 weeks
10.10.12 : 4 weeks, 6 days
12.13.12 : 9 weeks, 1 day
4.6.13 : 4 weeks, 4 days
10.27.13 : 5 weeks, 6 days
4.2.14 (IVF #1) : 4 weeks, 1 day
6.19.14 : IVF #2 Negative
</dream 2>
AMA, Diminished Ovarian Reserve, heterozygous MTHFR
"all it was was a fairytale and devotion to a dream"
lyrics
lyrics
***All always welcome!!***
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Another goodbye (anitaflora)
I'm glad you were able to have that chance to try and to know that you did everything possible. You know how to reach me off-board. More ((((hugs)))).
The day the Bump died - Jasper is wise
MAY '15 DEC. SIGGY CHALLENGE- FAV. CHRISTMAS MOVIE
Dating- 3/1/1999 ~ Married- 10/10/2004
DD#1- Sweet Pea ~ Born on her Due Date 3/1/2007
DD#2- Pumpkin ~ Due 9/29/2010 Arrived 10/1/2010
~ BFP: 6/12/2013 EDD: 2/21/2014 NT Scan: 8/5/2013 (11w3d) MMC D&C: 8/8/2013 ~
~BFP: 3/15/2014 EDD: 11/24/2014 CP 4 weeks 4 days ~
~BFP: 7/2/2014 EDD: 3/15/2015 CP 4 weeks ~
~BFP: 8/31/2014 EDD: 5/10/2015
*All are Welcome*
BFP #2 February 2009 | m/c March 2009 | 4 weeks 3 days
BFP #7 10/15 | DS born 6/4/16 @ 36 weeks
BFP #8 9/28/17 AHHH!!! | EDD 6/6/18
All are welcome!
My Blog
BFP# 1 7/7/12 Beautiful DD born still at 36 weeks 5 days on 3/2/13
Diagnosed with PCOS in 2005. Started Metformin July 2013
Please be our rainbow!!
**All AL Welcome**
PgAL welcome
Married 6/11/2011
Me & Hubby: 34
TTC journey started 12/2012
BFP #1 6/5/2013, MC confirmed 6/26/2013 @ 7 wks
BFP#2 8/25/2013 MC confirmed 10/16/2013 @ 12 wks (D&C 10/18)
Diagnosis: unexplained RPL, unexplained IF.
Also have hypothyroidism
Started TTC again 12/2013
IUI#1:Clomid CD 3-7, Trigger'ed CD 12. IUI CD 14. BFN
IUI #2:Letrozole CD 3 - 7, Follistim CD 9, Trigger CD 10, IUI CD12. BFN
Current plan: IVF with PGD. Antagonist - Vivelle Protocal. Stim start 12/1. ER 12/14.
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/502498
TTC #1 since January 2013
BFP #1: April 5, 2013; EDD December 11, 2013; Missed M/C May 15, 2013
BFP #2: February 17, 2014; EDD October 30, 2014; M/C March 15, 2014
BFP #3: August 1, 2014; EDD April 14, 2015 - Praying for our RAINBOW!
Married April 9, 2011
TTC since October 2011
Me 34, DH 40
IUI #5 w/ Tamoxifen+Ovidrel+Acupuncture Oct 24, 2014-->BFP!!! EDD July 17, 2015. Panorama=low risk...and it's a GIRL!
DD born July 10, 2015
--------------------------------------------------------
Trying for baby #2!
IUI #1 w/ Tamoxifen+Ovidrel+Acupuncture July 10, 2017-->BFP!!! EDD Apr 2, 2018. Panorama=low risk...and another GIRL!
IUI#4 1/23/13 on 75iu x9 Follistim = BFP then chem preg m/c (Feb 2013)
IUI#5 BFN (April 2013)
S/PAIFW , S/PALW
My Blog
DH: 45
BFP #1 3/19/14 EDD 11/29/14 MMC D&C 4/24/14
BFP #2 12/4/14 Beta #1 218 at 12dpo Beta #2 1055 at 16dpo
Saw heartbeat 12/29. Please be a rainbow.
All welcome
(((Hugs)))
Sending love & prayers to you. I hope you're able to eventually find peace and I'm glad you're being proactive by seeing a therapist to help guide you.
*
*
*
*
*
* SIG WARNING *
BFP#4 3/17/14 - rainbow Baby BOY arrived 11/10/14 !!
DX: Uterine Septum - Resection 9/5/13 || MTHFR Hetero A1298C || My Chart
Me 34 DH 31, Together since 2003, Married August 20, 2011, TTC since May 2013
BFP #1 August 24, 2013! MMC discovered Oct. 3, 2013, D&C Oct. 4, 2013
BFP #2 December 17, 2013! MMC discovered Jan. 28, 2014, D&C Jan. 30, 2014
Testing done: male with complete Trisomy 16, not hereditary. Tested me for clotting disorders, all normal.
Feb. 2014 all clear again to TTC! Will start progesterone supplementation with the next BFP just in case. Oct. 2014 more testing just because, thyroid and autoimmune panels = normal. Diagnostic U/S = no abnormalities. Will keep trying for 3-6 more months, doctor still optimistic!
BFP #3 December 11, 2014! Beta #1 14DPO = 122.4 Beta #2 17DPO = 296.8 Please stick little one and be our Rainbow!
Perfect little heartbeat of 156 seen 1/7/15
***Everybody Welcomed***
EDD 8/21/2015 Team Green!
August 2015 Siggy Challenge: Favorite mean girl from a movie or show: Kathy Bates in "Misery"DX: Adenomyosis, Compounded MTHFR, PAI-1 4G variant
DH: 34
MFI due to Testicular Cancer
Married March 2012
IVF w/ICSI #1
10 little polar bears
FET #1 with 2 polar bears ~Nov 6, 2013 BFN
FET # 2 with 2 more polar bears ~March 19, 2014 BFP!!!
Beta 1= 276
Beta 2= 662
4/19/14 ~ baby A became an angel
5/02/14 ~ baby B became an angel
5/3/14 ~ D&C
FET #3 with 1 male polar bear ~October 3, 2014
October 13, 2014 ~ BFN
Fur Children: Memphis 3y, Dutch 3y, Marcel 2y, Meadow 1y
January 2015 Siggy Challenge TTCAL
Animals Interacting with Snow
08/2011: Clomid 50mg, IUI --> BFN ,
10/2011: Clomid 100mg, IUI --> BFN
04/13: Clomid, IUI BFP --> MC at 6w1d
05/13: Femara 2.5mg, IUI --> BFN , 08/13: Femara 2.5mg --> BFN
03/14: Femara 5mg, IUI --> 1 follicle @ 27d --> BFP! EDD 12/02/14--> blighted ovum, missed MC 6w6d --> D&C
4/23: D&C...starting over again, with a little part of my heart broken off
7/14: Femara 5mg + brevelle + menopur + IUI --> converted to IVF, ER 7/28 --> ET cancelled due to severe OHSS.
9/20/14: Frozen Embryo Transfer --> BFP--> EDD 6/6/15 --> MC at 5w3d
10/16/14: Frozen Embryo Transfer --> BFN
2/6/15: Frozen Embryo Transfer --> BFP --> MC at 5w4d
3/20/16: PGS-tested Frozen Embryo Transfer --> BFP, Living Child born 12/1/15
6/6/17: Fresh IVF Cycle --> Severe OHSS, 5 PGS-tested embryos frozen
2/23/18: PGS-tested FET --> BFN
3/30/18: Cancelled cycle due to lining 4.2mm
************** Sig Warning ******************
Anita, I am so sorry. There is nothing else I can say right now, but to tell you my heart aches for you. Much love to you during this time.
TTC Since 04/01/13
BFP #1 04/28/13 Its twins! EDD 01/08/2014 MMC confirmed 06/27/13 D&C 07/17/13
BFP#2 05/19/14 EDD 01/30/2015 Please be our rainbow!
My Ovulation Chart
*~*~* All AL Welcome*~*~*
Me: 34; DH: 38; SD: 9
TTC #1 since November 2013
BFP #1: 2/4/14--EDD 10/14/14--CP 2/8/14
BFP #2: 3/1/14--EDD 11/15/14--MMC at 12w6d (baby stopped developing at 11w4d)
D&C 5/13/14; Retained Tissue Found: Cytotec 5/30/14; 2nd D&C 6/20/14
BFP #3: 12/13/14--EDD 8/27/15--MMC at 7 weeks (no fetal pole and measuring 1 1/2 weeks behind)--Cytotec 1/9/15
January 2015: Off to RE for RPL testing
EDD 5/2/14, NMC 9/11/13
EDD 10/15/14, CP 2/8/14
IF Diagnosis: PCOS, MFI
Current Cycle: 5 mg Femara/1000mg Metformin + TI = BFP, EDD 4/23/15 Please be our RAINBOW
**ALL AL/IF Welcome**
My Chart
My Ovulation Chart
My Ovulation Chart
Dx: Me: Recurrent Pregnancy Loss; DH: Low Morphology (2%)
BFP#1: MC 3/1/11 at 6w1d - EDD 10/21/11
BFP#3: MC 2/8/14 at 4w5d - EDD 10/13/14
BFP#6: CP 11/6/14 at 4w2d - EDD 7/14/15
IVF #1 with ICSI & PGS: May/June 2015, ER 6/3/15, 17R/17M/15F
IVF #2 with ICSI & PGS: July 2015, ER 7/16/15, 16R/11M/9F
PGS results = 6 normal embryos (4 boys, 2 girls)
FET 9/23/15 = BFFN
You have been a good friend and a supportive member of TTCAL. Thank you for your support.
I wish you peace as you work and YH work with a therapist.
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TTC #1 since June 2012
Current Status: IVF with ICSI and PGS
Genetic, RPL, SA and Fertility testing = Normal/Good HSG = All Clear
BFP #1 12.30.2012 || Blighted Ovum 02.05.2013 || D&C 02.11.2013
BFP #2 09.10.2013 || c/p 09.12.2013
BFP #3 12.1.2013 || mm/c 01.15.14 || D&C 01.21.14 chromosome abnormality
May 2014: Residual HCG and retained tissue found
05.13.2014: Hysteroscopy D&C to find and remove retained tissue
June 2014: Tissue sample results indicate a partial molar pregnancy
May - Aug 2014: TTA for monitoring and testing
08.21.2014: Hysteroscopy to remove minor scar tissue - the result of 3 D&Cs
Sept/Oct: IUI #1 Femara + Bravelle + Ovidrel = BFN
Oct/Nov: IUI #2 Femara + Ovidrel = BFN
Nov/Dec: IUI #3 Femara + Bravelle + Ovidrel = BFN
My Ovulation Chart || *~*~All AL Welcome~*~* || DIY Blog
DX: Septate Uterus. Septum resection 6/4/13
BFP #1: EDD 05/27/2014 (D&C 10/17/2014)