I'm very new to this board but was very active in the July 14 board and those ladies carried me through my pregnancy. I first want to say that I'm so sorry for each of your losses. It's so unfair that anyone should have to go through this.
My Madeleine was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 just after our anatomy scan. It was difficult but I chose to continue the pregnancy. I had already had one miscarriage at 6-7 weeks and a chemical pregnancy, then this. I just couldn't bare to lose another baby just yet, especially now that I've seen her seemingly perfectly formed body and have felt her move.
At 36 weeks, I had an ultrasound that showed things were getting worse. We chose to induce in hopes that I could meet her. She was born and my dreams of meeting her alive came true, but I didn't anticipate the disconnection and pain I'd feel when I held her.
She held on for 4 days. It was a beautiful gift but brought so much pain. I felt so maternal towards her at times and other times I couldn't even hold her. I have so much guilt about those wasted moments, I feel like I should've been holding her the whole time.
On that 4th morning, I saw that she didn't look well. Her coloring had changed. I held her from 5:30am until she passed in my arms at 1:30 that afternoon, only passing her occasionally to my mother and DH. I can still feel her in my arms.
I can hardly breathe when I think about it. I know she wasn't going to have the best quality of life, but I miss her so much. I am so consumed by it and I just want to feel better.
I wanted to share her photo. I love her so much and just want her to be in a better place. I wish I could know for sure that she's still with me. I felt her presence so strongly the first few days after, and now I feel like she's so far away.