My little Madeleine — The Bump
Late Term and Child Loss

My little Madeleine

TICKER WARNING

DETAIL/CONTENT WARNING

I'm very new to this board but was very active in the July 14 board and those ladies carried me through my pregnancy. I first want to say that I'm so sorry for each of your losses. It's so unfair that anyone should have to go through this.

My Madeleine was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 just after our anatomy scan. It was difficult but I chose to continue the pregnancy. I had already had one miscarriage at 6-7 weeks and a chemical pregnancy, then this. I just couldn't bare to lose another baby just yet, especially now that I've seen her seemingly perfectly formed body and have felt her move.

At 36 weeks, I had an ultrasound that showed things were getting worse. We chose to induce in hopes that I could meet her. She was born and my dreams of meeting her alive came true, but I didn't anticipate the disconnection and pain I'd feel when I held her.

She held on for 4 days. It was a beautiful gift but brought so much pain. I felt so maternal towards her at times and other times I couldn't even hold her. I have so much guilt about those wasted moments, I feel like I should've been holding her the whole time.

On that 4th morning, I saw that she didn't look well. Her coloring had changed. I held her from 5:30am until she passed in my arms at 1:30 that afternoon, only passing her occasionally to my mother and DH. I can still feel her in my arms.

I can hardly breathe when I think about it. I know she wasn't going to have the best quality of life, but I miss her so much. I am so consumed by it and I just want to feel better.

I wanted to share her photo. I love her so much and just want her to be in a better place. I wish I could know for sure that she's still with me. I felt her presence so strongly the first few days after, and now I feel like she's so far away.




lexusolsenshandorfml2mingaling2

Re: My little Madeleine

  • So very sorry for the loss of you baby girl Madeleine. She is so beautiful! Sending thoughts and prayers your way.

    Brooke Elizabeth born Feb 17, 2013 grew wings May 9, 2013 @ 11 weeks & 4 days old from SIDS

     

     

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

     

    PitaPata Dog tickers

     

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

     
     

    Lilypie First Birthday tickers

    BoraBoraBaby
  • Ticker warning

    ((hugs)) mama, Madeleine is so beautiful!  I'm so so sorry for your loss.  Please feel welcome to post here as often or as little as you need to.  You and your family are in my prayers.

    Lilypie - (fm2j)

    Lilypie - (YesX)

     My Pregnancy/Parenting BLOG TTC since 5/2011, BFP #1 12/3/11, M/C 12/7/11 @ 4wks 2d. Began seeing RE Sep 2012. October 2012 Metformin 1500 mg= ovulation on CD34 BFP#2 11/14/12 9DPO, EDD 7/26/13, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks, our angel born sleeping 3/24/13 @ 22wks 2d. BFP #3 7/4/13 8DPO EDD 3/22/14, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks. started insulin @16 wks.  Our rainbow, born 3/19/14 @ 39wks 6d., we're so in love!

    image

    BoraBoraBaby
  • Loading the player...
  • I am so sorry.  You are incredibly strong, and it takes an amazing person to continue to carry in hopes that you could meet her.  She is beautiful.  Sending love, hugs, and prayers. 
    BoraBoraBaby
  • Madeleine is beautiful. I am so sorry for your loss. Big hugs to you!

    Asher born February 5, 2011.

    Baby #2 born sleeping at 20 weeks. May 6, 2014.

    BoraBoraBaby
  • erinelerinel member
    I'm sorry for your loss.  Your baby is beautiful.

    Me 32 (Stage IV Endometriosis, short luteal phase) DH 38

    Married 5/2010

    January 2014- DS born healthy at 35.4 weeks

    February 2014- DS passed away due to complications from adenovirus

    February 2015- Rainbow baby DD born at 36.3 weeks

    My chart: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/42fd32 

     


    BoraBoraBaby
  • Your daughter is very beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story and her photo with us. Big ((Hugs)) to you... we are here for you if you need us.

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers


    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers


    Lilypie Maternity tickers


    image


    BoraBoraBaby
  • I am so sorry for all that you have been through.  Madeleine is absolutely beautiful and I'm glad you got the chance to spend time with her.  I hope you can find some comfort in this board. 
    Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    BoraBoraBaby
  • I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Madeleine...she is absolutely beautiful. 

    Don't be so hard on yourself for the times you felt unconnected...in times of great stress our bodies/minds do what they need to do to survive and that is what you did.  You are an awesome mom and madeleine knows how much you love her. 

    big ((hugs))

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    8/12-Suprise BFP- Sweet Bunny Born Sleeping 11/21/12 (19 weeks)

    -5/7/13- MMC (8 Weeks)

    11/6/13- BO discovered at 7 weeks- natural MC 11/25/13

    8/14- Surpise IF dx...low AMH (.24)- moving on to IVF

    IVF #1- 11/14- 6R5M4F=2 perfect frosties

    12/19/14- FET of 2 embabies = BFP!!!  One Little Bean EDD: 9/3/15

    Everyone Welcome.

    BoraBoraBaby
  • I'm so sorry for your loss. I am a trisomy mom too - my daughter Caroline had trisomy 13 and was with us for 58 days. I have been supported by these ladies as I struggle with my grief and hope you will find support here too. Madeleine is beautiful.
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
                                        motheringcarolinegrace.wordpress.com

    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
    BoraBoraBaby
  • I'm so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself. You have to let yourself feel what you feel.
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers

    BoraBoraBaby
  • I'm so sorry for your loss , she is absolutely beautiful!
    Me: 33, Endocrine issues & FVL       DH: 32, Nothing 
    NTNP 2009-2012         TTC since 2012:
    • Clomid, 2 IUI cycles, and 5 IVF cycles = BFN
    • FET #1   August 2013 = BFP!     EDD 5/11/14
    • Jack dx at 19w1d with Dandy Walker on 12/16/13
    • Severe Pre-e /HELLP set in Jack born sleeping at 20w1d on 12/23/13
    • FET #2 --July 2014  BFP!  ---  EDD  4/5/15

    Jack has handpicked his sibling up there :)

    My blog about IF and loss ... Kate's IF Blog

            Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers 

                                                      

                                                                              Lilypie Pregnancy tickers


                  Anniversary





    BoraBoraBaby
  • I'm so sorry...we shared a BMC. Your daughter is beautiful. Sending love your way.
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    BoraBoraBaby
  • ***ticker***


    Beautiful baby girl. I am so very sorry for your loss.





    Lilypie - (qptF)


    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers 
    "Elsie Irene was born sleeping at 35w 6d on December 8, 2012. Mommy and Daddy miss you sweet girl."


    BoraBoraBaby
  • I'm so sorry for your loss.  She is beautiful.

    I can relate to the disconnect you felt and the guilt of not holding her every moment.  My Georgia lived for 40 days and for the first week I held back... there was one day that I was so emotionally wrecked that I didn't even go see her (she spent her whole life in the NICU). I wish, more than anything, that I could have that day back, that I would have insisted on holding her everyday, that I would have taken more pictures...

    I did snap out of it and tried to spend as much quality time as I could with her, but the truth is that 40 days just wasn't long enough.  I could have held her every second of everyday she lived- and it still wouldn't have been enough.   

    ((hugs)) I'm glad that you found us.  The stories are tragic, but the ladies here are an amazing support. 
    BoraBoraBaby
  • VyD81VyD81 member
    *siggy warning*

    Beautiful picture of Madeline. I'm sorry for your loss. I think we all feel guilty about our actions, however, you did the best you can at the worst time of your life. Madeline knows you love her and miss her. Hugs. 
    Ticker id: ra2f

    BFP #2, EDD 12/26/14, please be our rainbow.

    BoraBoraBaby
  • *ticker warning*


    I am so very sorry for your loss of your sweet baby girl. She is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story. I am thinking of you and sending so many hugs.

    Ava's Story
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    BFP#2 10/18/13  Blighted ovum 11/25/13

    BFP #3 1/31/14 EDD 10/18/14 -- It's a GIRL!

    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

    BoraBoraBaby
  • I'm so sorry for your loss. Your daugher is absolutely beautiful.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    BoraBoraBaby
  • I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet girl. She is beautiful. I too struggled with guilt over not holding my daughter every second I could while she was in nicu, but every second of the days she was alive still wouldn't have been enough. Be gentle with yourself.
    BoraBoraBaby
  • All the time in the world would not have been enough time to spend with your beautiful daughter, Madeleine. I'm so sorry for your loss. ((hugs))

    image
    TTC since 10/2010
    IUIs # 1-5 = BFFN
    IVF # 1(July 2012) = BFN
    IVF # 2 (November 2012) = BFP (MIssed MC D&C @ 8w3d on 1/10/13)
    IVF # 3 (June 2013) = BFN 
    IVF # 4 (September 2013) = BFP Fraternal twin boys! (Loss at 21w6d due to IC on 1/26/14...devastated.)
    3/21/14--TAC (transabdominal cerclage) w/Dr. Davis in NJ
    IVF # 5 (May 2014) = BFN
    FET (August 2014) = BFN

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    BoraBoraBaby
  • BoraBoraBabyBoraBoraBaby member
    edited June 2014
    Ticker

    Thank you all for your kind words. It's easy to let the grief take over and tell me everything I might've done wrong. It's helpful to know that what I'm feeling is normal but not to accept it as the truth. You ladies are wonderful.

  • MeNVMeNV member
    Your Madeleine is so very beautiful and I am so sorry for your loss. The guilt can be overwhelming sometimes. Sending much love your way.
    Baby Boy - 03/29/10
    Baby Boy - 08/02/12
    Baby Girl - 04/19/14 Missing her everyday.



    BoraBoraBaby
  • I am so sorry for the loss of your Madeleine. She is so beautiful and so precious in the photo you shared. Thinking of you and sending hugs.
    BoraBoraBaby
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards