Daycare Pickups

jtmomma13 · June 2014

Hi Ladies,

I haven't posted here before so a little background info. I work full time and LO (he is 10 months) is in home daycare from 745-415ish. We love our home daycare and LO loves it as well. LO loves the kids and gets so excited to see everyone when I drop him off. It's really reassuring to know that my babe is super happy with the people he is around all day.

So now for my question- is there anything you do to make pick up easier?

Pick up breaks my heart...every.single.day because LO isn't always happy to see me. I've asked DCP to not be holding him when I pick him up because while he is smiling and laughing at me- if I take him out of her arms he freaks and he won't come to me, he will turn away. So now when I go to pick him up, I will walk in and be excited and he will get excited and come crawling right to me but as soon as I pick him up off the floor- he gets upset. So I am wondering if he is having a transition issue? And if there is something else I could be doing to make the transition home easier. I just read an article that said mom's who pick up their babies from DC and they cry that the babies feel like their parents are unreliable and now my momma guilt is on full force as I tend to A LOT of LO's care at home.

Any advice or even just reassurance would be helpful!

BabyHope2013 · June 2014

I think that it is a stage. When DS was about 10 months old he did something similar---it lasted maybe a week or two. Then he started walking shortly there after and would be me come into the home daycare and run over to me super excited to see me. Now he is 17 months old and for the last 3 weeks he sees me and runs in the opposite direction---often it's a "look at me" and he will dance around or climb on the play structure.

Don't feel like a bad mom. Kids go through all kinds of stages. Plus, you should also feel comfortable that LO is so trusting of their daycare provider when you can't be there.

Something I try to do when I have the time every once in a while is instead of rushing to pick him up right away, I sit down next to him and engage in what he is doing at that moment. Then I ask him if he wants to go home and have dinner and see his doggy. Perhaps something like that might help. I try to put into context that to him daycare is a fun place----I wouldn't want to suddenly be ripped away from something that I enjoyed doing if I was him.

djm31012 · June 2014

first of all...that last part is SO untrue. My son is SUCH a mamas boy. literally glued to my leg all.the.time. there was one day last week i picked him up..he smiled and ran to me, the second i went to pick him up, he ran away back into the room. last night, DH picked him up and we pulled into the driveway at the same time,so i went to take him from DH (who he loves but he always preferes me)..and he turned back and shook his head no. he falls and scrapes his knee 2 minutes later and he comes to me and wont go to DH. it means NOTHING. there is nothing to feel guilty about...be happy that he is doing so well where he is and is so properly taken care of.

as far as things to make the transition easier..maybe have ur DCP prep him when you are close to getting there.."come on lets get your things, mommy will be here soon. Mommy is coming lets get ready to go!" get him excited about seeing you and leaving. that seems to work best...

VOR · June 2014

That article is a piece of shit. Put it out of your mind. Please.

Another reason kids break down on us at the end of the day? Because we are their true comfort. They know that we will love them and care for them no matter what. After being "on" all day for someone else, they sometimes need to let go of it all and they know that mama is the one who is there for them. It shows that they are SECURE with us.

cecilyandgautam · June 2014

I think your DCP needs to come up with a routine that signals to your LO that mama's coming. My in-home provider would do the final mini snack of the day, wipe up the kid's face, take them to the potty/change diaper, put on their shoes and say "your mommy's coming soon" and pack up LO's bag in front of the kid. Same deal every day. The predictability of it helps LOs understand and feel reassured.

My DCP also had this idea that the physical hand off from one set of arms to another is more upsetting than anything else. So, she had me start bringing DD in with a stroller - I had previously just carried her in. For drop offs, I'd wheel in and DCP would unsnap and take DD out. For pick ups, DCP would put DD in and I'd wheel out. Handing over the stroller seems less dramatic than switching between the caregiver's arms & yours, for some reason. Just another idea to try.

jtmomma13 · June 2014

Thanks everyone! It helps to know that I am not the only parent that this happens too. Some of my friends have older babies doing this but not ones under a year.

I am going to talk to my DCP about doing a little bit of prep before the transition to see if that helps. I know she feels badly about it and will want to try and make things smoother. I usually hang around for a few minutes and then get LO ready to leave but maybe I will try and engage with him a little more while at daycare first. I am very happy that he loves going there and it's my saving grace as a working mom.

The article I read was this one:

https://www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/toddler-not-happy-to-see-me-at-daycare-pickup

It's not a website I normally visit but I was just skimming dr.google to look for suggestions.I think I was just being hyper sensitive to this statement " Attachment researchers believe that babies and toddlers who don't seek reconnection upon the parent’s return may worry that their parent is not always dependable in meeting their needs". The article does offer some good advice on transitioning- a lot of what has been said here. In fact, the article, IMO would be a lot better without that statement!

edit-words

jtmomma13 · June 2014

@privacywanted I agree. I think that I just pulled a sensitivity to it! It's on of those things where my head tells me one thing (that it's a stage, that it isn't about me) and my heart tells me another. Need to start listening to that head more often!

MrsKAT11 · June 2014

I agree with PPs. My DS is 19 months old and has already gown through many stages when I pick him up. Right now he fluctuates between running past me with no desire to leave at all or running to me while pointing at the door and saying "go!" There's no rhyme or reason to it...I know he's quite attached to both myself and the DC provider. I agree that a transition routine may help, my DS gets his DC provider's kids at the bus stop with DC provider and knows that Mommy comes to get him next.

ASmallWonder · June 2014

OMG that article is such shit. I just want to ditto what everyone else said. Kids go through stages and they all suck in their own way. It sucks when it seems they don't want to come home with you. It sucks when they're hysterical because they don't want you to leave them in the morning. It sucks when they run off to their friends and don't even want to say goodbye to you. Some days you'll get lucky and they'll give you a nice hug and a kiss goodbye in the morning and they'll run to you with open arms at the end of the day. Just remember - how they behave each day is a reflection of THEIR personality and their feelings that day and isn't a reflection on their overall feeling about life

Unknown · June 2014

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jtmomma13 · June 2014

@sweetc80 maybe that's also the issue with my LO. He usually naps until 3 at daycare but he seems exhausted when we get home but also wired. Maybe he's been a little overtired.

SLGILL1978 · June 2014

I agree! I think it's a phase. My daughter sometimes cries when it's time to go. She is usually one of the first to get picked up around 4:30 so she still wants to play with the other kids.

junebugrbig · June 2014

milkergirl1 said:

For me, I don't equate DS's unhappiness as he's not happy to see me. I see it more that he's had fun and enjoys being at daycare. I remember being a kid playing at a friend's house and not wanting to go home because I was having fun. It had nothing to do with not loving my parents. I think of it the same and I'm glad that DS enjoys daycare.

So this....for about 6 months straight, DS would cry and run away from me everytime I picked him up. I clearly was interrupting his fun. I didn't take it personal. Just whisked him away and once he got in the car, he was fine. I wouldn't worry about it too much.

emberlee3 · June 2014

elmoali said:

OMG that article is such shit. I just want to ditto what everyone else said. Kids go through stages and they all suck in their own way. It sucks when it seems they don't want to come home with you. It sucks when they're hysterical because they don't want you to leave them in the morning. It sucks when they run off to their friends and don't even want to say goodbye to you. Some days you'll get lucky and they'll give you a nice hug and a kiss goodbye in the morning and they'll run to you with open arms at the end of the day. Just remember - how they behave each day is a reflection of THEIR personality and their feelings that day and isn't a reflection on their overall feeling about life

Did you really read the article? She doesn't say anything bad about working moms or about using daycare in that piece. She is simply suggesting that perhaps the emotional connection between mother and toddler can be strengthened by the mother accepting the child's feelings, rather than focusing on the behavior. OP may have had a strong reaction to the piece because of her own emotions, but there is no judgment inherent in the response.

ASmallWonder · June 2014

emberlee3 said:

elmoali said:

OMG that article is such shit. I just want to ditto what everyone else said. Kids go through stages and they all suck in their own way. It sucks when it seems they don't want to come home with you. It sucks when they're hysterical because they don't want you to leave them in the morning. It sucks when they run off to their friends and don't even want to say goodbye to you. Some days you'll get lucky and they'll give you a nice hug and a kiss goodbye in the morning and they'll run to you with open arms at the end of the day. Just remember - how they behave each day is a reflection of THEIR personality and their feelings that day and isn't a reflection on their overall feeling about life

Did you really read the article? She doesn't say anything bad about working moms or about using daycare in that piece. She is simply suggesting that perhaps the emotional connection between mother and toddler can be strengthened by the mother accepting the child's feelings, rather than focusing on the behavior. OP may have had a strong reaction to the piece because of her own emotions, but there is no judgment inherent in the response.

I did not but I took her at her word that the phrase she put in quotes is a direct quote and it says that those particular researchers believe that children who don't reconnect at pickup feel their parents are unreliable. That's a crock.

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