"regretting motherhood" blogs/posts... thoughts?

Trampslikeus · June 2014

There seem to be more and more of these popping up on the interwebs lately:

https://www.scarymommy.com/i-dont-like-being-a-mother/

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2303588/The-mother-says-having-children-biggest-regret-life.html

https://childfreedom.blogspot.com/2011/04/i-regret-having-kids.html

I think pre-TTC me kind of dismissed them as being PPD, depression, or another form of an untreated/undiagnosed psychiatric disorder because the whole thing is just SO far our of my reality. But now that I'm in this position, these posts (and the hundreds of "me too" comments that follow) are actually terrifying. How does this happen? How does one go from the longing during TTC to the thrill and excitement of finding out you're pregnant to... "bleh I wish I hadn't done this"?    Did my mom feel this way? Could I? Eeeeekhhhggg.      It makes me wonder about the parents in my life, who upon finding out we are TTC, say things like "nooo dont do it!! JUST KIDDING!!"

I'd love to hear from those of you who are moms and are trying for more children, AND from those like me who are trying for their first... what is your gut reaction to reading these? Anger? Eye-rollyness? Sympathy?

All I can think of now is how it would feel to find out your mom wrote something like this      *shudder*.      And as always, how unfair it is that many women feel this way about their healthy children, while there are women out there who would be joyful, grateful moms - but never got the chance, or lost their child.

Cythe · June 2014

I honestly wish I hadn't read those (my fault, not yours) especially the second one. I got through most of it before I realized the twisted look I had on my face as I was reading it. I can't image how it would feel to look at your child and feel nothing.

Trampslikeus · June 2014

I think you misread - I said I previously dismissed them that way, but after reading a few of them and getting to the point in my life where I was thinking about these things more, I felt differently.

Also, having periods of time of those feelings, wishing for kid-free days is one thing, - looking back on your life and your grown healthy children and saying you wished you never had them and it was the biggest regret of your life is VERY different. Every single Mom I've ever known has gone through the former, the latter seems to be a more anonymous taboo topic that is starting to bubble to the surface now that the internet provides an outlet for it.

countrygrl5533 · June 2014

I didn't read the articled but even on the hardest days, I don't regret being a mom. A SAHM maybe.... I am very careful about what I complain about online. I can't imagine DD stumbling upon a motherhood complaint years from now and how it would make her feel.

loisloan1118 · June 2014

I only skimmed these articles & everyone is entitled to feel the way they feel about their lives & the choices they make. I'm sure there are many moms who feel this way.
However, I cannot relate. I love being a mother. Sure there are tough moments, and when I get a break from DD its awesome, but being a mom is the best!
I guess my gut reaction is sympathy for the moms who live with that regret & for their children who may not get the best version of their mom.

JNCPro3130 · June 2014

I don't have children, so I can't say much, but I do have a question for the mothers out there: I know being a mother is tough and some days are better than others; however, is there not a difference between saying "I wish I NEVER had children" and "Today I really miss my child free days"? It seems to me that the women in these articles really regret it and would not have children if given the chance to "redo" that part of their lives. Having an off day/phase seems like a normal feeling where regretting the birth of your child/children is upsetting to me. What are your thoughts?

Trampslikeus · June 2014

@kariann12 - yes- exactly, and in some instances word-for-word the conversations my husband and I have had. TTC meant giving up the single most important thing to me on earth other than my marriage, and I've certainly waffled on it and had pangs of asking if I've made the right decision. But at this moment, the fear of regretting not having children is greater than fear of regretting having them. I obviously hope it stays that way.

@countrygrl5533 - I hope I'm as fortunate to have your mindset. And yes, I can't even imagine the pain it would cause to accidentally realize the author of one of these was your mom... and I mean the pain it would cause both mom and child.

Trampslikeus · June 2014

Cythe said:

I honestly wish I hadn't read those (my fault, not yours) especially the second one. I got through most of it before I realized the twisted look I had on my face as I was reading it. I can't image how it would feel to look at your child and feel nothing.

Me either. Thats why I had such a hard time relating. I also wish I hadn't seen them - because obviously they freaked me out a bit. A "CBC" friend posted them as kind of backlash to a lot of pressure she was getting from family and friends. Most of the women who commented (and subsequently argued with each other) were also CBC, or already parents. Its helpful to get some thoughts from others who are neither at the moment.

catlover790 · June 2014

I did not read the articles but I think that knowing what life is like with your specific children is impossible until you have them. I know that at this moment we want to have children more than anything else! I am not a mom yet and simply don't know what that will be like for me. I do think that there are tons of people writing all sorts of stuff now because of the internet and the anonymity they can have.

Trampslikeus · June 2014

LindsRockies said:

Trampslikeus said:

I think you misread - I said I previously dismissed them that way, but after reading a few of them and getting to the point in my life where I was thinking about these things more, I felt differently.

Also, having periods of time of those feelings, wishing for kid-free days is one thing, - looking back on your life and your grown healthy children and saying you wished you never had them and it was the biggest regret of your life is VERY different. Every single Mom I've ever known has gone through the former, the latter seems to be a more anonymous taboo topic that is starting to bubble to the surface now that the internet provides an outlet for it.

?

I have a ridiculously supportive husband and I experienced these feelings.

Also, I would take these posts with a monstrous grain of salt. It's trendy now to say/post the most controversial things to get traffic to your blog. Ingenious marketing ploy.

ETA: I had IF and fought like a dog to get my first, and still sometimes have twinges of "why did I do this??" Having IF before conceiving doesn't automatically make you a mother who will be immune to complaints about their children/pregnancy.

single as in "every single person" not single as in unmarried. Sorry for the confusion.

JNCPro3130 · June 2014

MorwenCimorene said:

The one article was by someone who had maintained that she didn't want children, and didn't want to be a mother, then had children so as not to deprive her husband of fatherhood. That goes more to the importance of both partners wanting the same thing to begin with, not changing your mind after the fact.

This! I don't understand having a child just because your partner wanted one. My DH and I had a conversation (many in fact) about children while we were dating. I would not have continued to date him if he did not want children. I imagine the same would have been true had I NOT wanted children.

Trampslikeus · June 2014

rentaduckie said:

I wish there was a way that we could fix it so that only people who wanted babies had them. I wish we didn't pressure people to be parents. I wish there was a way for people to have a legitimate trial run at parenting. But, sadly, that's just not how it works.

Indeed. The pressure, from even the most caring, well intentioned people - is unbelievable.

nittanyllama · June 2014

I'm too tired to write an eloquent response, but I get it. I have soooo much love for DS but this gig is a million times harder than I ever expected. I will never be the person who says "parenthood is just wonderful and the best thing ever!" But I think that's just me being honest. It sucks sometimes, it's so hard and never-ending, but of course it's not all bad. There are parts I enjoy and here I am TFAS so I must find it worthwhile

I can only think the increase in blogs/articles about this stuff is because moms are just starting to be more honest about how they feel and the fact that it's not all P&R.

I will say I feel much more scared about TTC this time around because I feel like I have a better idea of what I'm getting myself into and how tough it can be. Pre-motherhood I just wanted a baby soooooooo bad and I truly *thought* I knew how hard it would be. But I had no clue.

Trampslikeus · June 2014

WhoCanItBeNow said:

Not everyone has her ability to hold out when you have people pressuring you constantly.

My sister in laws mother didn't speak to her for 6 months when she found out her and my brother had made a permanent surgical decision in that regard right after they got married. Even though they have made peace, I doubt their relationship will ever be the same after that. My mom promised she'd never pressure me, but even her excitement can feel like pressure. But how do you even begin to change that mindset.... who knows.

mommy2C · June 2014

I didn't really know it until I became one but being a Mom is freakin hard. There are some days (weeks?) where I certainly wonder why I did this and miss the freedom of "life before". Sometimes I just want to sit in peace and quiet and not have to go sit on the floor and stack blocks or read the same book for the 100th time. It sounds selfish but it is reality and I think virtually all mothers have felt some version of this regardless of how hard or easy it was to have the child. It isn't always pleasant or fun and sometimes it can feel like life is being sucked out of you and I think it is ok to admit that it isn't a romp through paradise 24/7.

When C had colic and screamed for 3 months straight while I was trying to cope with very bad PPD it was honestly one of the worst times in my life and I *wanted* this baby badly. I wasn't prepared for how life would change once she was born and it was a shock to the system. I was extremely detached early on but we made our way through it and now we have this amazing bond and I love her so damn much. Do I always love motherhood? Hell, no. It can be terribly frustrating and exhausting but I cope with that but also taking care of me and making sure I get time to myself and time where I am not looking after the eveyone's needs but my own. I think to be truly "happy" you have to find a healthy balance that works for you.

holliberry28 · June 2014

@trampslikeus ... 'But at this moment, the fear of regretting not having children is greater than fear of regretting having them. I obviously hope it stays that way' <-- I often feel this way too and am scared of being able to handle all the responsibility that comes with being a good mother. I just know that if we don't try, we would regret it...But somehow, that doesn't always feel good enough.

@budders12, do you find that being a spec. ed. teacher makes it more difficult when TTC? I'm a speech pathologist, and at times, it seems that much more daunting because you KNOW all the things that could go wrong.

@mrsrexmaning, thank you for sharing your love for being a mom

https://www.nytimes.com/2014/06/16/health/thinking-of-ways-to-harm-her.html?smid=fb-nytimes&WT.z_sma=HL_TOW_20140616&bicmp=AD&bicmlukp=WT.mc_id&bicmst=1388552400000&bicmet=1420088400000&_r=2

that's another article from the ny times that addresses this to some degree.

Thanks for bringing this up. I agree with having an "off" day vs. regretting having your child; the former is only human.

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janda426 · June 2014

I guess my fears about becoming a mom are justified. This is making me nervous.

Trampslikeus · June 2014

@holly628 I'm an SLP as well, and yes, my husband often has to remind me I'm only seeing a tiny fraction of the possibilities, but I know exactly how you feel. From the dev disorders, genetic stuff, random chromosomal oopsies, to traumatic brain injuries and strokes - dealing with all of that on a daily basis alters your lens. It cant not be in your mind.

holliberry28 · June 2014

@trampslikeus, what population do you work with?

Some co-workers of mine and I recently had a conversation about finding out your child has Down Syndrome during pregnancy, and whether you would go on and continue to have the child, and there was definitely a difference of opinion...on one hand, you know what treatment can be done, and on the other hand, well you know what treatment can be done.

*Sigh* I think also being on Zoloft for anxiety and questioning that decision and how that will affect everything is just another thing to work out. But I get the pressure, my parents ask me often if I'm going to wait til they're in wheelchairs before having a child

:-/

Trampslikeus · June 2014

holly628 said:

@trampslikeus, what population do you work with?

pedi outpatient rehab most of the week and adult acute rehab on a per diem basis.

and I feel like that conversation has occurred in every.single. SLP's lunch room. We've certainly had it a few times. Especially since our field is full of women in their 20's and 30's...it seems dating, weddings, and babies are 75% of the chatter, haha, no men to chat with at lunch to change the subject :P

JNCPro3130 · June 2014

WhoCanItBeNow said:

rentaduckie said:

Not all women want to be mothers. And our society doesn't take kindly to that thought. How often are childless women asked, "When will you be having children?" People shut up and quit asking if you insinuate that you're infertile (or they tell you 80 thousand surefire ways to get knocked up, but that's not my point.), but if a woman says she doesn't want kids, they say, "Oh, you'll change your mind."

This. I have a coworker that is 43 with no kids. She wants nothing to do with them and made sure she never did. Not everyone has her ability to hold out when you have people pressuring you constantly.

I don't understand why people care so much if someone doesn't want children. Do I understand that feeling? No. Do I think less of them? No. What difference does it make to me? People should do what's right for them/their family as long as it doesn't hurt others.

tlc35 · June 2014

The second one kinda reminded me of my parents though not as extreme. I don't think my Mom regrets being a mom per se but my Dad was always the "maternal" one. She has said that she doesn't really like babies but enjoyed having kids as we got older.
I guess it doesn't surprise me at all that there are people who regret having kids but I wonder how many of those people really didn't want to have kids but did anyway for whatever reason vs people who thought they wanted kids and then end up regretting it.

Trampslikeus · June 2014

@whocanitbenow

I wonder if the sometimes the super intense grandmother pressure is coming from a place of "I made it through this, so goddamnit, you're going to do it too!" Because I feel like my grandmother used to say things along those lines to my mom. Fortunately my mom hasn't passed it on to me.

URMySunshine77 · June 2014

mommy2C said:

I didn't really know it until I became one but being a Mom is freakin hard. There are some days (weeks?) where I certainly wonder why I did this and miss the freedom of "life before". Sometimes I just want to sit in peace and quiet and not have to go sit on the floor and stack blocks or read the same book for the 100th time. It sounds selfish but it is reality and I think virtually all mothers have felt some version of this regardless of how hard or easy it was to have the child. It isn't always pleasant or fun and sometimes it can feel like life is being sucked out of you and I think it is ok to admit that it isn't a romp through paradise 24/7. When C had colic and screamed for 3 months straight while I was trying to cope with very bad PPD it was honestly one of the worst times in my life and I *wanted* this baby badly. I wasn't prepared for how life would change once she was born and it was a shock to the system. I was extremely detached early on but we made our way through it and now we have this amazing bond and I love her so damn much. Do I always love motherhood? Hell, no. It can be terribly frustrating and exhausting but I cope with that but also taking care of me and making sure I get time to myself and time where I am not looking after the eveyone's needs but my own. I think to be truly "happy" you have to find a healthy balance that works for you.

@mommy2C: My thoughts exactly.

dazzld1 · June 2014

I'm TTC #1 and don't have much experience with kids, other than my nieces and nephews, so I'm not sure my opinion is worth much on this topic, but honestly these articles made me sad. Sad for the moms who are regretting their children and sad for the children if they were to ever discover how their moms felt. Personally, I can understand having moments or seasons where a mom might long for or miss her child free days, but I agree with PP that there is a huge difference between those feelings and the feeling of looking at your child Every. Single. Day. and wishing you never had them. Maybe it's because I'm naive, or because I've never been a mom myself, but I just can't wrap my head around those feelings. I'm not saying those women don't have a right to feel the way they feel, because they do. But, I just really can't imagine ever feeling that way about my future kids and I would honestly hope that anyone who was constantly experiencing a level of regret to the point that it was really impacting their life and happiness negatively would seek out some kind of way to create a balance in their lives.
I have always known I wanted kids and I'm confident in that desire, so the articles didn't really impact my own decision to in regard to TTC. Of course, I'm human, so anytime I take a HPT, there is at split second before I look at it where I'm like "Oh shit what if it's postive?", followed by "Please, God let it be positive!", of course for me those have always been followed by BFN so far. So I get that TTC comes with a healthy amount of fear. But, I think most changes in life, positive changes included, do come with a healthy dose of fear and that's ok.
Also, I agree that whether or not a woman wants to become a mom or not is her decision and whatever way she decides should be respected and not put down. Do some women decide they want to be CBC then change their mind later on, sure. Is that ok, of course. But if not, that's also ok! No one should ever be harassed about their personal desire to have or not have children. /rant
Wow... This ended up much longer than I expected. I would do a tl:dr, but even that would be long.

FitMom3510 · June 2014

janda426 said:

I guess my fears about becoming a mom are justified. This is making me nervous.

This I agree 100%

BillyHorrible · June 2014

I also think, in general, some people of unrealistic expectations. I'm not just referring to having children. But getting married is a life-changing decision, and there are no shortages of divorces out there. Which means people also regret getting married. But with getting married, divorces exist. You can leave the situation. That's not usually possible with children.

So you have people that decide to have children, for whatever reason. Maybe they feel it's time. Maybe they feel pressured by family, friends, their partner. Maybe they think it will save or strengthen their relationship with their SO. Maybe they think it will be similar to having a doll or puppy. Maybe they think their partner will help more than what actually happened. I don't mean to insinuate divorces are happy or easy, but they are a way out. There is nothing similar when you determine you made the wrong choice with having a child. And that can be, claustrophobic, for lack of a better word.

myatala · June 2014

I do not regret becoming a mother, but of course there are times I yearn for more kid-free time. I feel my life is richer for having my son, though, and that parenthood has added a valuable dimension to my relationship with my spouse and our homelife.

I'm not surprised that a parent may regret becoming a parent because it's fucking hard sometimes under the best of circumstances. But we can't know what our parenting experience with our kid(s) will be like until we get there.

countrygrl5533 · June 2014

Was on my phone last night and hate typing on my phone so expanding a little....

I have always wanted to be a SAHM. Not just a mom in general, but a SAHM. But let me tell you, as hard as it is, I have the greatest respect for working moms. I may work at home but I set my schedule. If DD is being a turd, I can deal with her and take a lazy day if I want to. The weeks she has teethed (last two teeth finally through, thank God)....are miserable. I'm an introvert in that I need that 1-2hrs of quiet alone time each day to re-charge. That isn't always possible with a kid in the house. It would be even less possible if I worked outside the home.

DH and I decided long ago that we want 3 kids. We actually put TTC #2 off a whole year because I didn't think I could handle a newborn and a 2yr old (I was right). It isn't a decision to be taken lightly.

But even on the worst days/weeks/months, I don't regret being a mom. I may miss kid-free days and start working on finding a way to have a weekend away (money is super tight but daycare would take all but $50 of my paycheck, so working isn't an option) but don't regret the kid herself. It just means I need to be better at finding kid-free time to keep my sanity.

It always seems like on the days where I'm just sitting there, almost crying, wondering why I wanted to be a mom when DD suddenly calls from across the room, "I wuv you, Mommy." Or she decides it's sad to be a stray kitty with no home but the woods so she wants to go give it a hug. Or I am crying and she just walks up to me, warps her arms around me, and holds on until I'm done crying then says, "Mama sad? Mama, wuv." I can't imagine never having those moments. Her tender heart makes up for the tantrums and sleepless nights.

I have a friend that never wanted kids. Ever. She is now a homeschooling mama to 4 kids....and she loves it! She does prefer from about 4yrs old and older, but she loved her kids when they were babies too.

countrygrl5533 · June 2014

WhoCanItBeNow said:

countrygrl5533 said:

I have a friend that never wanted kids. Ever. She is now a homeschooling mama to 4 kids....and she loves it! She does prefer from about 4yrs old and older, but she loved her kids when they were babies too.

Ok. How exactly is this helpful? This is the exact bullshit that people that don't want kids get shoved down their throat.

For every person like your friend, there is someone that didn't want kids that had one and fucking hates their life because of it.

I'm just saying that some people do truly change their minds. I wasn't trying to make you upset. Not everyone wants kids and that's okay. You shouldn't have kids if you don't want them. But sometimes, people have one "oops" and decide it isn't as horrible as they thought. That shouldn't affect anyone else's choices. People seriously need to make the decision that is best for them and ignore the stupidity around them. Really, not trying to make anyone upset here.

PinkRoses53 · June 2014

So, I went into being a mom scared as hell. I will admit now that I didn't enjoy pregnancy like I should have bc I was so terrified about having a baby. I didn't take many pictures and often when I was falling asleep, I would worry with "what have I done?" I was scared my life was going to change forever, that it would be too hard, that I wouldn't like being a mom. It is truly one of those "I wish I knew then what I know now" things bc it is better than I ever could have imagined.

My son was colicy for 3 months. There were days I cried bc it was so hard and nothing I did made him stop crying. I say this not to scare the moms to be but I say it to say that no matter how hard it was (and it was SO hard at first), I never regretted it. Do I have rough days? Sure. I remember one day just standing in my kitchen with both of us crying bc I didn't know what else to do. But being a mom has by far been the best thing I have ever done. I never could have imagined how much I love being a mom and how much I love my son. Pre-baby, I was worried that I would miss my alone time, that I would have this kid that I was responsible for forever and it would be too much. Now, I find myself rushing home from work to see him. When he goes to bed, I often end up missing him an hour later and go into his room to peek at him sleeping. He learned to say our dog's name this past week and you would have think he recited the 50 states with how excited I was. He is seriously the center of my world.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions but I just wanted to share my experience as someone who was probably the most terrified mom-to-be ever. I love it so much that I cannot wait to add another to our family!

countrygrl5533 · June 2014

MrsRexManing said:

FitMom3510 said:

janda426 said:

I guess my fears about becoming a mom are justified. This is making me nervous.

This I agree 100%

I think it's kinda funny how no one has directly addressed this. I'm not going to say that you shouldn't have fears, or shouldn't be nervous, because it's hard, and a big deal, and it's really important to look before you leap. Evaluate your priorities because they most definitely will change when adding a baby. And even then, you'll certainly have days you look back with longing at a time in your life of relative freedom. HOWEVER, the benefits are real yet unquantifiable. You can't put a value on the things parents celebrate every day - the first laugh, the first 'I love you', and my favorite, the first solid poop. I think true regret is very rare and very unfortunate. It's the hardest and most rewarding job I've ever had, and even on the worst day, I'd never take it back.

Yes, this.

kelley72 · June 2014

I have never ever once, even for one teenty tiny moment regretted having my children. I did have moments of "oh hell, what am I getting myself into, while pregnant with toddler(s)+. I don't think highly of someone for saying they regret having children; although I do understand having a frustrating day/time period and saying things that people interpret one way that was not the original intent or just a vent from a hard day/trying time.

LadyXaverian · June 2014

myatala said:

I do not regret becoming a mother, but of course there are times I yearn for more kid-free time. I feel my life is richer for having my son, though, and that parenthood has added a valuable dimension to my relationship with my spouse and our homelife. I'm not surprised that a parent may regret becoming a parent because it's fucking hard sometimes under the best of circumstances. But we can't know what our parenting experience with our kid(s) will be like until we get there.

All of this is how I feel exactly.

However, 2 of my very best friends have had some very strong feelings of regret. It doesn't mean that they love their children any less than I love mine, though. They would lay their lives on the line for their children, but there are also days (or weeks or months) where they'd be glad to donate them to a traveling circus. No judgement. Raising humans is hard.

countrygrl5533 · June 2014

LadyXaverian said:

myatala said:

I do not regret becoming a mother, but of course there are times I yearn for more kid-free time. I feel my life is richer for having my son, though, and that parenthood has added a valuable dimension to my relationship with my spouse and our homelife. I'm not surprised that a parent may regret becoming a parent because it's fucking hard sometimes under the best of circumstances. But we can't know what our parenting experience with our kid(s) will be like until we get there.

All of this is how I feel exactly.

However, 2 of my very best friends have had some very strong feelings of regret. It doesn't mean that they love their children any less than I love mine, though. They would lay their lives on the line for their children, but there are also days (or weeks or months) where they'd be glad to donate them to a traveling circus. No judgement. Raising humans is hard.

Again, I haven't read the articles yet. But I think a lot of us are associating regret with not loving. Or maybe just me. Thank you for bringing up that that isn't necessarily true.

notthefather · June 2014

When my baby was 4 weeks old we were 1 week deep into the colic days. I was rocking her in the living room at 3 am in the middle of her 7 hour stretch of screaming and crying. I was completely physically and emotionally exhausted. I remember, very clearly, rocking in that chair and thinking about how I loved her so I would never hurt her, and I would never wish that something would happen to her, and I would never wish that I would have had a miscarriage with her, or that I would never wish I couldn't get pregnant to begin with. The only "logical" conclusion I could come up with at the time was that I wished I had never wanted to have children. I sat there angry at myself for purposefully putting myself in that position. It also hit me that my old life was gone and would never come back. I started grieving the loss of my old life. It was hard and I couldn't figure out how I was going to make it the next second, minute, hour, day, etc. So, I guess I get that feeling they described, but even with that experience I can't fathom feeling that every day for years and years.

My child is the most amazing and awe inspiring thing in the world to me. Every new thing she does or says is incredible. Sure, life would be easier and simpler without children, but I honestly can't wrap my brain around anything else being more fulfilling to me. I really don't think it is for everyone though.

Before I had kids I was all "ohemgee, everyone needs all the babiez!" Now I tell all of my friends (and there are several) who say they don't want kids that if they are in doubt - don't.

SpartanChick88 · June 2014

I find the regret these women feel sad. And their children have access to their mothers' words and will know how they feel and that makes me sad too.

I'm in total agreement with the other moms here in that motherhood is HARD. Having someone be completely reliant on you for their existence is a physical and mental strain at times. I remember when DD was about 3 weeks old and nursing hurt so bad that I cried every time she latched on. I still cry in the bathroom (locked door, lights off) when it all gets to be too much.

That said, when she says to me "I know what will make you happy! Big Ciara hugs!" and throws her arms around my neck, it makes it all worth it. I could never regret having her in my life. Do I wish things were easier sometimes? Yes. I would love to go to Target and not have to spend 10 minutes in the toy aisle saying no, we aren't buying that. Would I love to be able to sleep and know no one will come in at 1 am and push me out of bed? Yep. But I also love the cuddles that come with the 1 am wake up.

There are ups and downs and anyone nervous about becoming a mother has reason to be nervous because it is a great unknown. If you truly want children then you will find the joys to be greater than the trials. You will see the love and forget the hardships. I will admit that I am terrified of adding a second to our rhythmic life. We found our pattern... The child sleeps through the night... she uses the potty on her own... I will be adding back in night feedings and diapers and having to keep two safe rather than just one. I'm terrified but also excited to have twice the love and have Ciara be a big sister. I regret nothing.

Wine&Cupcakes · June 2014

A few months ago I stumbled on all of these articles as I was googling the subject. I have never been all "zomg I am meant to be a mom and it's going to be so amazing" and really, I have also been on the fence about having kids.

The more my actual desire increased to have a baby, and the less indifferent I got, the more scared I became.

The more I read these articles and the more parents who commiserated really made me question if we were headed down the right path.

Then one day I decided to see what would happen if I googled people who regret NOT having kids. Turns out there are just as many of them!

For me, that helped provide me with some perspective - it's a damn hard job and some people aren't meant for it - you just need to be really honest with yourself as to what side you fall on and act accordingly. It also made me view parenthood with a wider lens by picturing what my life would look like in 5, 15, 25 years without kids and I didn't like that picture.

I think chronic regret/resentment is independent of the love for your child. And in any scenario, no matter how much you love being a mom, you won't be immune to moments (days/weeks) of questioning your decision, times where you dislike your child and other times where you can't wait to get away. That's life (or so I think it's like this as much as a child-free person can have perspective on the subject).

chaysefaith · June 2014

TL;DR - I can understand regretting have kids.

I write this from the stand point of someone who has been through the terrible two's, even worse terrible three's...and everything else. I have a 10 year old and an 8 year old. Feel free to flame away what I'm about to post. I've made peace with it and can handle it.

I had my oldest daughter 3 months after I turned 18 and my youngest 6 months after I turned 20. I was so, so horribly unprepared. I had no idea what I was doing. I was a HORRIBLE mother. There were days I didn't even get my kid out of her crib because I just couldn't. I couldn't stand the thought of having a 1 year old follow me around, need things, want things...I was a single mom and I just couldn't do it. I didn't deserve to have one kid, let alone two. I was so bad at it. So. Bad. I hated every single minute of it because I was unprepared, so bad at it, and so immature.

I loved my kids so much but, at that time, I hated being a mom. I've gotten so much better in 10 years. I love when my kids are home and miss them terribly when they are at their dads. I wish I could keep them home with me all the time. I wish I could go back to those days when they were babies and make up for how bad I was at being a mom. I failed miserably in those days.

Now that I am older and we are trying again, I want nothing more than to have a baby. But I still sit here sometimes and am scared that I haven't really changed. That I might still be really, really bad at being a mom to a needy child. My kids aren't so needy anymore. They don't need me to entertain them, they don't need me to make them 3 square meals a day and they ENJOY doing things on their own. When my SO and I go out for a ride on the motorcycle, or go out to dinner when the girls are gone, I sometimes wonder if I'm sure I'm ready to give up that free time.

Not everyone who has a kid and regrets it will eventually come around and say "Hey, I kind of like this gig" but I can certainly understand regretting the decision to have a baby as I was there. I regretted it for a long time, until I was actually ready to have kids. I didn't read the articles but from the comments here I gathered that much of it was from parents who had a kid to please their SO...and if you're only having kids for that reason then you're not ready, just like I wasn't ready. And it's easy to regret that decision when it's not one you weren't ready for to begin with.

SpartanChick88 · June 2014

@SNLT1012 I appreciate what you said. I also put a lot if stock in the fact that you went through the terrible, trying 3s and your kids lived to tell about it! That gives me hope!

edit because my phone hates me

Trampslikeus · June 2014

cramcakes said:
My MIL calls my H once a year to tell him that having him ruined her life and she would give anything to make him not exist.

So yeah. It happens.

See, that is so so so very different from the experiences and thoughts the moms have shared here. There is definitely a giant gaping chasm between "wow this sucks yeti balls right now" and "you existing is my biggest regret"

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