Kids b-day parties and subordinates

MommyAtty · June 2014

Strangely enough, almost everyone in my group has a child close to my DD's age. We are planning DD's b-day party, and I'm wondering if I should invite the subordinates. On the one hand, it would be nice to have them over for some non- work time with their families. On the other, I wouldn't want gifts from them to DD. To further complicate things, one of my new attorneys just moved here. Her DD is one year older than mine, and the girls share a birthday. She and her wife have mentioned they don't know many gay parents in town, and at this party will be a good friend who is a single gay dad. But I don't know if they are even doing a party for their daughter since they don't know anyone here and they are in temp housing while their new house is reno'd. But heck, maybe I should just do a summer BBQ separate from DD's birthday. Ugh. Really don't want to host another function, but is guess that's the fun of being the boss. What would you guys do?

SunAndRain · June 2014

Just have the bday party. I wouldn't worry about gifts...they will give what they feel is appropriate. I like the idea of you taking this opportunity to help other families to connect. As working parents we don't have time for as many traditional activities that would otherwise allow for that. I think it is generous of you to include them

sugarbear0524 · June 2014

I agree with PP. Just have the party. Outside of work, they are just people. Don't think of them as "subordinates"...on weekends they are just people with kids the same age as yours.

jf198400 · June 2014

I disagree. I don't care for big bday parties, I prefer close family and friends. It seems really strange to me to invite coworkers to the party. Also I would feel obligated to buy a gift for my boss's child.

cecilyandgautam · June 2014

I know it's not exactly great etiquette to mention gifts on an invite, but all the birthday parties we've been getting invites to from preschool say "your presence is your gift" - as in, no gifts please. If you are going to invite your coworkers over, I'd put something like that on the invitations you give out.

VOR · June 2014

Don't mix work and personal, especially this way. Id find it weird to be invited to my bosses kid's b-day party. Really weird. Too many lines being crossed. If you want to have a non-work event, then host a separate party.

fitmom82 · June 2014

I would love to be included, I really enjoy doing things as families, and if that's a kid's birthday party I'd be fine with that. I do see how some people would see it more as an obligation though rather than something want to do. If you invited them just mention it casually that you thought it would be nice for the kid's to get together.

Are you their boss though? I wouldn't want to get friendly with my boss, I think it could make things very uncomfortable.

daisy662 · June 2014

I wouldn't invite my direct reports to my kids birthday party. I would however have a BBQ during the summer and include folks from work including direct reports.

MommyAtty · June 2014

Ugh, the thing is that at our company, stuff like this is super-normal and expected. I've been the boss over a year, and I just got the fish-eye when my EVP found out my team hasn't been to my house yet. So I have to do something soon. I thought if it was the b-day party it might feel less like a command performance for my team since it isn't just the team there. (And for the record, I refer to them as my subordinates in this post to explain the icky feelings about a gift. I'm very, very against my team giving me any sort of gifts. Gift-giving only goes one way in my eyes, from the one making more money to the ones making less money.) And there will be other people from my company there, but those are the ones who are my friends outside of work. I hate crap like this, and I hate that I have to put my people in this position, but I'm stuck. Blech.

VOR · June 2014

MommyAtty said:

Ugh, the thing is that at our company, stuff like this is super-normal and expected. I've been the boss over a year, and I just got the fish-eye when my EVP found out my team hasn't been to my house yet. So I have to do something soon. I thought if it was the b-day party it might feel less like a command performance for my team since it isn't just the team there..

Yeah, unfortunately, your kid's b-day party is actually going to make it feel MORE "command performance" and they absolutely will feel they need to bring a gift.

And plus adding in that your personal friends and family will be there? I can see that making some people feel even more awkward, not less.

So, 2 separate events!

*sparky* · June 2014

Even with the follow up info, I would not invite these people to the bday party. It sounds like family and other friends will be there, and you have never hung out with this group outside of work before so it just seems like it would be awkward to include them on this event. I would just have a cookout or something on another day that is not tied to gifts.

And even saying "no gifts" is awkward because even if you mean it people don't always know if you mean it, and may feel like they may need to bring a gift anyway. And if these CWs are the only ones who don't bring a gift, because it sounds like you are specifically saying you don't expect THEM to bring a gift but aren't doing no gifts in general, well that's just even more awkward.

Tink112011 · June 2014

amy052006 said:

Well, I rather spoon my eye out than spend my free time with someone referring to me as a subordinate to start.

Listen, no one wants to do this. They are going to feel obligated give up their free time, to come, and to give a gift. I had a manager who did this for his "team" --- all it did was build tons of resentment.

Throw an optional (as in truly optional) family event if it is that important to you, but honestly in my experience people hate this stuff.

This blunt advice - exactly.

My previous boss hosted a Christmas party for her division at her house. It was awful. Everyone was dreading it. No one wanted to go, but we went because we felt obligated. We liked our boss just fine - but as a boss. So everyone showed up to her big fancy house and stayed the minimum about of time before bailing. She got the hint and didn't do it again.

If you REALLY want to do a family event, hold something casual at a park where kids can play and come and go as they wish. Make sure its clear that its optional. And I understand introducing the gay parents, but why not just give them each others email addresses and encourage them to meet up? I would think they're grown up enough to take that initiative.

SunAndRain · June 2014

humph...I guess I stand corrected!

After reading the other responses I'm defineityl rethinking my initial reaction.

MommyAtty · June 2014

I will prob just suck it up and do an end of summer thing. Btw, an EVP is "executive Vice President." He's the third highest ranked person after our CEO and COO in a Fortune 200 company. So when he gives you a command on a leadership issue, you follow it, even when it makes you throw up in your mouth a little. Thanks, all, for the input. Now I just have to find a way to make it crystal clear that no one has to come to the separate event without making it sound like I don't want them there. Easy, right?

MommyAtty · June 2014

@K3am‌, great point! Thanks. I'm also going to invite some of our internal coworkers so it looks more casual and I will just tell people I would love to see them and their families but we won't be taking attendance. I love the idea of making it a "thank you" party, @SandAndsSea‌! Since everyone did a great job pulling extra weight while I was on mat leave, they def deserve a huge thank you.

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