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May 2013 Moms
huzzahuzza
member
Help me not fall apart! NBR
huzzahuzza
member
My husband and I have always had a problem with his flirting... no, it goes into more than flirting... he crosses the line into a place I don't even know what to call it. He feeds off of other people's boundaries and when there are no boundaries he doesn't have any either. For example, before J was born, we had a female friend and one day she showed up to a BBQ of ours ready to go out to the bars in a short skirt and cowboy boots. She flirted, H flirted. She flipped her skirt up at him, he flipped her skirt up and slapped her ass. ALL IN FRONT OF ME! Mind you, before tonight this was the biggest fight of our lives.
H is a gamer and he has online friends. He found an online friend in this other woman who also plays the same games that he does but also has a child similar to our age kiddo. He likened the relationship, in the beginning, to the ones I have here on The Bump: someone he could go to and talk baby stuff with. Lately, it seems to have developed into more. She now has his phone number and our last cell phone bill had over 2,000 text messages made by H (not all to her but the majority). She tells him things about her marriage (her husband wants to be a woman), they talk via skype and in-game chat almost every night. I've told him that the relationship makes me uncomfortable and he cut back on talking with her. He tells me constantly that the relationship is strictly a friendship and he believes that both of them see it that way.
Tonight, I found text messages that, again, went beyond the boundary of that a married man should have. Things like "Do you find me sexy?" and "Did you miss me last night" were two of the ones flashing in my brain over and over.
He swears to me that they were not meant the way I am taking them. He swears to me that there is nothing going on between them. He swears to me that he was just being his dumb flirtatious self. He swears to me that it will change, that he will not talk with her again, and that he will change! But the other clincher is that he said he knew it was wrong while he was texting these things, which leads me to wonder what else he has the potential to do that is wrong but he does it anyway.
Sorry, I don't know where else to go or what else to do. I've always been a forgive and forget type of person but it's cost me my self-esteem and self-worth many many times. I don't think this is the end of my marriage but trust is definately broken.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Help me not fall apart! NBR
Unfortunately I don't have much experience, but I did date a guy long term (5+ years) many years before DH and the relationship ended because of a similar situation. I was ready to leave though, but hadn't figured a "way out" so it ended up being a blessing in disguise.
If it were my DH, I would probably do something drastic like cut off his phone line and access to the game. I would also tell him we need counseling together to work things out, or else I would leave.
Have you tried or considered relationship counseling?
I would think if he said he knew it was wrong and did it anyway I would assume he meant everything exactly as it sounds. He needs to be fully honest and not try to make things better than they are. I wish I had some great advice that could really help but I just don't know.
I would think he needs to be ready to work hard to earn your trust back. He needs to be fine with doing whatever you need to work through this. He needs to be open and honest and to figure out why he would risk losing everything. I would want to know why.
I agree with PP that seeing a counselor might be a good option. I would take my time as I figure out what I want. Even if I felt I wanted to leave him I would wait a while to prepare myself.
Counselling sounds like good advice.
If the 2 of you are still not on the same page after the conversation, I would look into a marriage therapist.
I feel like some people (not just guys) really dont understand that it doesnt have to be physical for it to be inappropriate. I have heard the excuse in situations like this that "there was no bad intentions, it was all harmless fun". Thats why I feel like you need to lay it out very clearly to him exactly how serious this is to you and how close it is to a game changer in your marriage.
It sounds like this women has some stuff going on in her own relationship and is looking for attention and validation from your husband. Maybe, and this is a big maybe, he doesnt see that that is what she is doing.
ETA: I should add that if my husband ever slapped a girls ass in front of me, he would be very, very, sorry. And if a girl ever flipped up her skirt at my husband, the earrings would come out. But all of my husbands female friends are afraid of me for some reason.
DX: PCOS/Recurrent losses/MTHFR mutation (compound hetero)
5 hysteroscopies/2 surgical
3 Inject IUIs = 2 m/c's and 1 BFN
IVF #1= BFP. m/c at 7w6d. Needed 2 D&C's and scar tissue removal. Mild OHSS
IVF #2 = BFP. Severe OHSS. 4 Drainings. TWINS!
I am so sorry this is happening to you. You do not deserve to be treated that way and deserve a lot more respect. I would probably seek a marriage therapist if my DH was acting similar. As mentioned, a third party may help to better spell things out to him.
I hope things get better. *Hugs*
Me (32) DH (34) | |
BFP #1 4/5/12 | Natural m/c on 4/18/12 (6w1d)
BFP #2 8/23/12 | DS born 5/3/13
BFP #3 12/6/15 | DD born 8/23/16
BFP #4 2/22/19 | EDD 10/28/19
If you want to work out these problems I think step 1 is him ceasing all contact with this woman and step 2 would be counseling.
I really hope you two can work this out and that going forward, your h treats you with more love and respect. Hugs!
O14 January Signature Challenge: Snow Fails
We are talking about counseling. H feels like he knows the root of the problem (his own self esteem) and thinks that since he got this wake up call (I threatened to go stay with my parents for awhile and he broke down) he will make more of a conscious effort to change. I told him that counseling would be a great way to guide him through that but I don't know that he's ready for that... but we'll get there.
On the plus side, I haven't had to cook or do dishes in two days and he's been much more attentive. I realize this is only because he knows he's in the dog house but I'll take it for now!
ETA: I did not need to give him an ultimatum. He deleted her automatically and took all the steps necessary to get her out of our lives immediately when he saw how hurt and upset I was.
I hope things continue to improve.
TTC #2:
March - May 2014 - Natural cycles - no luck
June 2014 - Clomid 50mg - BFN
July 2014 - Clomid 50mg - BFN
August 2014 - Clomid 50mg - BFN
September 2014 - Clomid 50mg - Fingers crossed...
TTC #2:
March - May 2014 - Natural cycles - no luck
June 2014 - Clomid 50mg - BFN
July 2014 - Clomid 50mg - BFN
August 2014 - Clomid 50mg - BFN
September 2014 - Clomid 50mg - Fingers crossed...
Counseling has been extremely helpful for me. I am going by myself, DH is going on his own, and we are going as a couple. I am doing it for myself, our marriage and LO. It just really helps to have a neutral third party help us through our issues.
I also told some trusted family members about our issues, and told DH that I did. He was angry at first, but it helped on a few levels. One it helped me not feel like I had to pretend that we were all perfect. That kind of pressure is too much. Also, it had a shaming function for DH. Shame can suck, but it also was real motivation for DH to change.
I also had to say that I was willing to leave if things didn't change and that therapy was an absolute must. Bottom line, he needed to know that there were deal breakers for me and that was motivation for him to change.
Hope that things continue to improve for you guys!