Help me not fall apart! NBR

huzzahuzza

My husband and I have always had a problem with his flirting... no, it goes into more than flirting... he crosses the line into a place I don't even know what to call it.  He feeds off of other people's boundaries and when there are no boundaries he doesn't have any either.  For example, before J was born, we had a female friend and one day she showed up to a BBQ of ours ready to go out to the bars in a short skirt and cowboy boots.  She flirted, H flirted. She flipped her skirt up at him, he flipped her skirt up and slapped her ass.  ALL IN FRONT OF ME! Mind you, before tonight this was the biggest fight of our lives.  

H is a gamer and he has online friends. He found an online friend in this other woman who also plays the same games that he does but also has a child similar to our age kiddo.  He likened the relationship, in the beginning, to the ones I have here on The Bump: someone he could go to and talk baby stuff with.  Lately, it seems to have developed into more.  She now has his phone number and our last cell phone bill had over 2,000 text messages made by H (not all to her but the majority).  She tells him things about her marriage (her husband wants to be a woman), they talk via skype and in-game chat almost every night.  I've told him that the relationship makes me uncomfortable and he cut back on talking with her.  He tells me constantly that the relationship is strictly a friendship and he believes that both of them see it that way.  

Tonight, I found text messages that, again, went beyond the boundary of that a married man should have.  Things like "Do you find me sexy?" and "Did you miss me last night" were two of the ones flashing in my brain over and over.  

He swears to me that they were not meant the way I am taking them.  He swears to me that there is nothing going on between them.  He swears to me that he was just being his dumb flirtatious self.  He swears to me that it will change, that he will not talk with her again, and that he will change! But the other clincher is that he said he knew it was wrong while he was texting these things, which leads me to wonder what else he has the potential to do that is wrong but he does it anyway.  

Sorry, I don't know where else to go or what else to do. I've always been a forgive and forget type of person but it's cost me my self-esteem and self-worth many many times.  I don't think this is the end of my marriage but trust is definately broken.  

jmevol

=( I'm really sorry to hear this. Even if it isn't a "physical" affair it sounds like he is having an "emotional" affair with this other woman.

Unfortunately I don't have much experience, but I did date a guy long term (5+ years) many years before DH and the relationship ended because of a similar situation. I was ready to leave though, but hadn't figured a "way out" so it ended up being a blessing in disguise.


If it were my DH, I would probably do something drastic like cut off his phone line and access to the game. I would also tell him we need counseling together to work things out, or else I would leave.

Have you tried or considered relationship counseling?

blush64

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am not a forgive and forget person. Even if I managed to forgive I could never forget but some couples do get through.

I would think if he said he knew it was wrong and did it anyway I would assume he meant everything exactly as it sounds. He needs to be fully honest and not try to make things better than they are. I wish I had some great advice that could really help but I just don't know.

I would think he needs to be ready to work hard to earn your trust back. He needs to be fine with doing whatever you need to work through this. He needs to be open and honest and to figure out why he would risk losing everything. I would want to know why.

I agree with PP that seeing a counselor might be a good option. I would take my time as I figure out what I want. Even if I felt I wanted to leave him I would wait a while to prepare myself.

Lolalipsy

I'm so sorry, that's just taking the p*** in my opinion, what is he 12!? You're right to be upset. I think he's crossed the line and the only thing to do now is for him to cut all contact. I wouldn't be happy trying to find a middle ground and I'm soft to a fault. It would have to be all or nothing.

Counselling sounds like good advice.

Blueyed228

I would have a very serious and very honest conversation about how inappropriate and disrespectful their relationship is and let it be known that either the relationship ends, or there will be a serious conversation about your marriage.

If the 2 of you are still not on the same page after the conversation, I would look into a marriage therapist. 

I feel like some people (not just guys) really dont understand that it doesnt have to be physical for it to be inappropriate.  I have heard the excuse in situations like this that "there was no bad intentions, it was all harmless fun".  Thats why I feel like you need to lay it out very clearly to him exactly how serious this is to you and how close it is to a game changer in your marriage.

It sounds like this women has some stuff going on in her own relationship and is looking for attention and validation from your husband.  Maybe, and this is a big maybe, he doesnt see that that is what she is doing. 

ETA: I should add that if my husband ever slapped a girls ass in front of me, he would be very, very, sorry.  And if a girl ever flipped up her skirt at my husband, the earrings would come out.  But all of my husbands female friends are afraid of me for some reason.

caden1206

I am sorry you are going through this. This makes me mad for you because I am sure you have told him how much you don't appreciate his flirting. I think you guys need help. He might need a third party to break this down for him. I think counseling is a good idea. Good luck. I hope he takes the steps to improve his behavior.

smg2302

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. My cousin (male) just did this to his wife. She kicked him out, they went to counseling, but now it's 6 months later and they are doing really well. They came to terms with the fact that to avoid fighting they never confronted each other about things that we're bothering them so it eventually bubbled into this. The counseling helped them to get to a really great place.

bumpuser3155624

I think pp said it all. Sorry this happened but hopefully dh turns things around and gets his act together. Good luck.

c-elizabethf

Lolalipsy said:

I'm so sorry, that's just taking the p*** in my opinion, what is he 12!? You're right to be upset. I think he's crossed the line and the only thing to do now is for him to cut all contact. I wouldn't be happy trying to find a middle ground and I'm soft to a fault. It would have to be all or nothing.

Counselling sounds like good advice.

This!

JoJo716

I am so sorry you are going through this. Having your trust broken is such a difficult and painful thing, especially when it is someone so close. I definitely agree with others that counseling is a great idea. I would also be adamant that the friendship with the other woman end immediately.

TundraGirl

I am very sorry you are going through this. I agree that he needs to cut off all contact with the other woman. I also think that counseling sounds like a good idea.

telicious2

I also agree with all the other PPs.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. You do not deserve to be treated that way and deserve a lot more respect. I would probably seek a marriage therapist if my DH was acting similar. As mentioned, a third party may help to better spell things out to him.

I hope things get better. *Hugs*

sundaesprinkles

I'm so sorry. I hope your DH will agree to marriage counseling and that he will understand how inappropriate this relationship with that woman is. ((Hugs))

Amer0317

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I suggest marriage counseling. My H and I are currently seeking counseling for a similar issue. It sounds like he is definitely at least emotionally involved with her. I know I'm a very infrequent poster (especially lately bc of all our issues), but if you want someone to talk to, please feel free to PM me.

Boo0512

I'm very sorry that you are going through this. I know I would have an extremely hard time trusting my h if he did the same.

If you want to work out these problems I think step 1 is him ceasing all contact with this woman and step 2 would be counseling.

I really hope you two can work this out and that going forward, your h treats you with more love and respect. Hugs!

PumpkinAndThePeanut

I'm so sorry he has done this to you. I second all the PPs who advised marriage counseling. I think he needs to be honest with himself and you about why he has turned to this woman. I hope you guys can work it out and that he can earn your trust again, if that's what you want.

huzzahuzza

Thanks everyone! I'm still numb and trying to work out all these feelings. But thank you all for the thoughts and advice.

kcwnc

That's sucks! We've dealt with this type of issue and not only did we wind up going to counseling together but my husband spent a lot of time in counseling after to deal with family issues from his childhood that seem to leave him looking for more even though he doesn't seem to want/need it. It's changed our marriage but it's also made him much more aware of his actions and much more comfortable discussing his feeling so it doesn't get to that point again.

ordinary1

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I think you have received great advice.  Marriage counseling, I think would be a great option.  Personally, I would have a hard time trusting again, and continuing on even though he knew what he was doing was wrong would be a big red flag for me.  

CNJ4EVA

Just adding more support, this a hard situation and I'm sorry.

huzzahuzza

So H has cut off all contact with this woman and deleted her from all his accounts. He is also taking a break from computer games for awhile at my request.
We are talking about counseling. H feels like he knows the root of the problem (his own self esteem) and thinks that since he got this wake up call (I threatened to go stay with my parents for awhile and he broke down) he will make more of a conscious effort to change. I told him that counseling would be a great way to guide him through that but I don't know that he's ready for that... but we'll get there.
On the plus side, I haven't had to cook or do dishes in two days and he's been much more attentive. I realize this is only because he knows he's in the dog house but I'll take it for now!

ETA: I did not need to give him an ultimatum. He deleted her automatically and took all the steps necessary to get her out of our lives immediately when he saw how hurt and upset I was.

nbatchen

I am a little late but just wanted to say I went through a similar situation with my husband about 3 months after we got married. It took time to repair the trust in out relationship but once he figured out and felt with the root of his problem we got through it and are now stronger than ever. I hope he does go talk to someone and you guys can work on this together. ((Hugs))

blush64

I think it is great that he is putting forth such an effort right now. Hopefullu he continues. I would be pretty stuck on the counseling even if he isn't sold on it. Even if it was more for me at first.

I hope things continue to improve.

fancefpp

Nothing to add, just wanted to say I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I hope things improve.

snowgirl427

I'm really sorry you are dealing with this.

MamaMD

Glad your husband has taken those steps and hopefully he'll agree to the counseling.  So sorry you have to go through this.

snowgirl427

@huzzahuzza - YGPM

coffeeandbooks

Hey huzzahuzza...so sorry you are going through this.  I have been having issues with DH this year as well.   It's related more to anger issues but at a basic level it is still about trust.

Counseling has been extremely helpful for me.  I am going by myself, DH is going on his own, and we are going as a couple.    I am doing it for myself, our marriage and LO.  It just really helps to have a neutral third party help us through our issues.  

I also told some trusted family members about our issues, and told DH that I did.   He was angry at first, but it helped on a few levels.  One it helped me not feel like I had to pretend that we were all perfect.  That kind of pressure is too much.   Also, it had a shaming function for DH.   Shame can suck, but it also was real motivation for DH to change.

I also had to say that I was willing to leave if things didn't change and that therapy was an absolute must.   Bottom line, he needed to know that there were deal breakers for me and that was motivation for him to change.

Hope that things continue to improve for you guys!