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Blended Families
Mmejesaistout
member
Feeling second rate
Mmejesaistout
member
I apologize in advance, because I'm sure this topic gets brought up often enough that it's been answered several times over. Maybe I just need to lay it out to see how ridiculous I am being.
Brief history: my husband and I are expecting our first together, due in a few months. He has a 6 year-old from a previous relationship when he was still in high school, I also had a baby in high school that I gave up for adoption(closed). DH and BM are not on good terms, he has LO EOE.
The title pretty much says it all; while this is technically NOT my first birth, it is my first baby, but not DH's. I want to be excited, but feel that this baby is somehow not as special as a first-born child. It's getting to the point where I do not want DH with me at delivery because I don't want to have to think about him being reminded of BM and the birth of his first. I know it's crazy, and believe me I would love to rid myself of these icky feels, but I just can't! Has anyone else experienced this? Any tips on getting over your ex's past/your past? Help!
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Re: Feeling second rate
Well I don't have the exact same situation but similar and I will tell you that there are good days and bad days. My SO has 3 from his first marriage 11, 9, and 7 that ended when she had a 4th baby by someone else. We were expecting my first and it was great, until I lost the baby at 7 weeks. No it is not his priority and he is not even sure if he even wants another baby.
Have you tried being bluntly honest with him about your feelings? Maybe writing it out, I felt much better after I did that. I don't think it is crazy but I think it is hard for men to see the consequences of their actions. The youngest acts out anytime Dad is around because he never tells her no. I has been hard for him to see that he needs to set boundaries. As a result of the limited time we have with them he often forgets that I am around (or so that is how it feels).
I am sorry you are going through this, hope you can really have a sit down conversation with him and that he will see how you are feeling. It will tke work and it is not easy but there is a reason you were willing to marry him despite SS.
Good luck!
With six years maturity and his first birth experience being in high school- your baby together should be completely different for him!
Wait. What??? BM wouldn't have what shit? You being in your step child's life??
Am I understanding this correctly? This is not a good situation. Do you plan on not being around this child for the next 14 years?
Sigir - I disagree, EOWE does not make him a bad parent. My guess is holidays are a part of it to. I hope anyway.
Honestly tho Mmejesaistout - and I say this nicely - you are kidding yourself if you think this relationship is going to work without you in the picture. And a half sibling on the way? How does your child factor in to this? Is your child excluded from this other weird, controlling hold that the BM still has on her ex and child? It is a sick situation. I'm sorry, but I think you need to work on you and why you think this is all okay. I would not worry about him - because you can't change him, but you CAN change your life and your thinking and stand up for what is right.
And this...is not right.
The birth I had with DS was completely different from SDs births, parenting DS is completely different from parenting them. The fact that you want to ban him from the room because of your own issues is horrible. He should be able to be there when his child is born. He shouldn't be penalized because you can't get over yourself.
Example: What about when you take a family vacation in the future? Would you leave step child out of it? If so, would you be ok with H taking step child on a vacation alone to make up for that?
You are now a step parent. STEP PARENT. Whether BM likes it or not, you are part of this child's family and a caregiver now. If YOU choose to stay out of it, you all will suffer. And frankly, it wouldn't speak very highly of you. If your H is ok with allowing BM to control his household, even his wife, then I would have reevaluated things long before marriage. But you're here now, so things must change. Now!
Otherwise, you're family is NOT going to work.
I am seriously not being mean. I'm being real.
Wait... so you are happily not a part of your step child's life? You are okay with not spending any time with her? What are you going to do when your child is here? Keep the siblings separate? You think it won't be emotionally hurtful to the child that her SM completely avoids her at all times or you know it will be hurtful and you just don't care?
brava!
My MIL was in the delivery room when my LO was born. MIL was there for all 6 of DH's children's births and I wasn't trying to break tradition, as she was there for her other Grand's births from her other children as well.
My family wasn't able to make it in time.
I honestly wanted it to be just DH and I but after seeing how much it could have affected MIL, I couldn't tell her no and I'm glad I didn't.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
When I was pregnant, I had this same worry... That I would miss out on feeling special because I was having my first baby, while my son would be number two for DH. SS was 9. Difference was SS lives with us full time. I chose on purpose to have DS at a different hospital a little farther away so SS and BM couldn't compare. Once DS was here, it was different for DH than the first time around for him. Each birth is different, every baby is different.
More than likely 6 years between the two gave your SO enough time to forget how it is to have a baby around full time. Having him not at the birth just because it reminds him of his first baby, I don't think is a good enough of a reason and may cause issues further down the line for you two. Fwiw, the birth of my first was completely different than DH's first born. Nothing reminded him of his ex because I'm not his ex.
Honestly it sounds like there are some major jealousy issues about BM. Your husband is NOT with his ex for a reason, just like he IS WITH you for a reason. Get over it and you will start to feel better and less second rate.
That said, my mom had no say with my step brothers. I saw her go through HELL because of it. Mental breakdown and literally the last person on the list when it came to my stepfather. He even put his ex wife before my mom. My older brother remembers more than I do, but it really hurt us emotionally and mentally growing up. We knew we were treated differently and held to different rules. We never got away with anything our step brothers did.
I suggest making sure you are involved in your SD life more, having a say about what happens in your house, and encouraging a positive relationship between SD and your LO. Otherwise expect SD to walk all over you when she's older because "your not my mom and I don't have to do as you say!" You and your husband need her to know she needs to respect you, what you say, and do as you say when she is in your house. At 6 she is full of love and will more than likely, if she hasn't, accept you into her life.
Good luck. I think part of the issue here is caused by your hormones. Don't compare yourself to BM. Don't worry about BM at all when it comes to the birth of your child. You'll be fine and you will see how much your husband loves the baby.
I guess I must be a little different on the pregnancy/birthing thing. I recently birthed my LO at the same hospital SK's were born. There were many comparisons made but every birth is different. I didn't mind the comparisons B/C the whole experience made DH and I closer. I also didn't mind that my Dr.s and some of the nurses knew DH from SK's births.
My LO's birth and our hospital stay was completely different from DH's past experiences.
I do think you should do what makes it easiest for you but I wouldn't dwell on feeling like the experience won't be as amazing as the first for your DH.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
making some time for your step child may help your jealousy issues.
if you plan on marrying his dad you need to be involved
Married the love of my life: 5-17-14
BFP:6-27-14
EDD:3-11-15
Step Mom to Z: 4-11-06
IT'S A BOY!!!!!!