Pity Party - party of 1

Melissa2216 · June 2014

Oh boy, do I feel you. Going back to work full time when DS was 8 weeks was really hard and a major contributor to my PPD. To make matters worse, I'm a teacher, so I was essentially having someone watch my kid while I went to watch other people's kids. That was really tough.

This past school year I job shared and worked 50%, so Thurs. and Fri. plus alternating Mondays. That schedule turned out to be perfect. I was able to leave work at work and focus on spending time with DS on my days off. I always thought I wanted to be a SAHM, but honestly I get pretty bored and stir crazy after 5 days with DS, and I look forward to day care days. Plus, he loves day care.

If working part time is possible for you in the future, it might help to remind yourself that working full time is only temporary and it's what's best for your family now.

ccam · June 2014

FhSTAR81 said:

lisaren said:

I think for some families there is NO choice. Life makes the choice for you. That' was my reference to the word luxury

Lisaren is very wise. It's very true. I never planned to stay home, I do now. My health has also been that reason. I barely function most days not even adding my HG right now. Currently we are fighting with disability over my health issues. I love staying home and wouldn't want that to change but the path that I took to get here was certainly not ideal.

I totally agree as I have no choice either, just the other way around. So for you, having a choice might be a "luxury", too.

absolutelymaybe · June 2014

lisaren said:

I think for some families there is NO choice. Life makes the choice for you. That' was my reference to the word luxury

*this

DH makes more than I do, but I still bring home a decent chunk of money. If we were having one baby, I'd be going back to work for sure. However, we've been blessed with twins (and double the cost of childcare) so that puts us in a position where daycare is likely going to cost as much as a make. It's going to be hard, but we are going to have to make sacrifices and just make it work.

Babin5359 · June 2014

I apologize, I see how my comment could have come off wrong. I am sorry if I offended anyone and that is truly not how I feel. I don't think that by being a working mom I am setting examples differently nor especially any better over SAHM's. I just find comfort in telling myself that because given our situation we just don't have a choice. I envy SAHM's for the time they get to spend with their children and for all of the examples they can set for their children on a daily basis. I unfortunately will need to rely on others (daycare, sitters) to do this for my child while I am away from home for 13 hours a day.

moroccojade · June 2014

I am glad the word "luxury" was cleared up! :P

I got what she meant... Having the choice is pretty darn nice. For some, mom working is an absolute, non-negotiable must. It kind of sucks having absolutely no choice in the matter.

I only SAH for that first year.... But I really did freaking love it. My friends who continued to SAH -- many didn't love it... and still don't. But I can't wait to leave my very FT day job in lieu of my business that I can work on casually when I want (at home or in our office).

While working with a child I always found myself thinking "I have to do all the same crap a SAHM does... cooking, cleaning, childcare, etc etc... but I only have a couple of evenings and Saturdays to do it! Yuck!" And I had some envy.    Damn that green headed monster.

And for this baby, I am so beyond grateful that I don't have to worry about finding a daycare and working a very FT demanding job. But then, as others have said, they wouldn't have it any other way -- they love their jobs and their daycares.   It is hard to know which type of mom you will be in advance. If you are more like me, then...   you might consider thinking creatively about how you can bring in money differently. Or perhaps how your partner might earn more?   Just because things are as they are now... doesn't mean you can't try to make adjustments.

silverwings72 · June 2014

Ugh. I was just thinking about this and I got angry and then cried a little because I also want to stay home. I realize I have to suck it up and figure it out, but the more pregnant I become, the more resentful I have become at the the thought of going back to work.

Nfranco973 · June 2014

runningmama14 said:
I will go back to work full time after 6-8 weeks of maternity leave.

I don't really think calling either side of the coin a "luxury" is fair. There are some moms who stay at home because they have to, some because they want to. Both kinds of SAHMs work their asses off. There are some working moms that work because they have to and others that work because they want to. Both kinds of working moms are working their assess off. Plain and simple. Mom's work their asses off. SAHMs miss adult interaction, feeling accomplished outside the home and recognition. Working moms miss their kids, feel inadequate because they miss functions and always feel like they are failing at everything and pulled in a thousand directions.

Being a mom is hard work, no matter where you "work". We all love our kids and are doing what we have to provide for our children.

I also really resent the phrase "someone else raising your kid(s)". That's such bullshit. Parents raise their children. Dad's who work aren't not raising their children and neither are the moms that work. Saying that a childcare provider is raising your child is like saying your coworkers are responsible fostering a healthier marriage with your spouse.

We raise our kids the best we can and we all
work damn hard at it!

Edited to fix spelling.

I want to luvtit 50 times! ^^ this exactly...

jlove253 · June 2014

I was just thinking about the "luxury" of staying home or working, and as my mind wandered I realized something I think any mom already knows. Being a mom is about making sacrifices. Staying home or going to work, we are sacrificing something even though we get an immense, sweet reward of a baby. Also, I think luxury is best described as something wanted that appears it can't be had, and in that context either SAH or FTW can seem luxurious. We just can't trick ourselves into thinking the other side is greener, and therefore our side is worse. We just have to decide how to use our resources to get more of what we want. If you want to stay home but can't, find the best day care scenario you can afford, or try to work a little less. If you want to work but can't, did a mom to trade baby sitting with so you can have some alone time occasionally, or work/volunteer when DH/so/fi can watch lo.

All this to say, I know nobody wants to sacrifice, but I think it makes us better people to give something up that we want because it is better for the people we love. It's the secret gift of motherhood.

Bethyboo26 · June 2014

Everything everyone is saying is hitting so close to home for me! I think no matter what anyone decides, its easy to struggle with if it is the right decision or not.
I grew up with a SAHM and I will be the first in my family to not fully SAH. My career is perfect for working half-time, or quarter time, or full time and I think no matter which is chosen there is a level of guilt I will feel.

Right now, the plan is for me to work 12 clients a week (I am a licensed mental Health therapist), but a part of me feels guilty for not giving more hours to more clients. Then on other days, I feel guilty for even working at all and not fully SAH. Too much guilt, not enough grace for doing the best we can!

I do really struggle when priorities are brought up whenever a Mom working is talked about. Sometimes a mom has to work, and that in no way reflects her priorities as other than her family.

carcrashheart · June 2014

I'm sorry that you can't stay home. I'm not sorry that I get to. We made it a point to only live on one income once DH got a new job and thus raise in pay. We made that sacrifice. We can't afford the average mortgage. We rent at the moment (we owned, relocated for dh's new job and didn't want to buy until we knew we were staying, job relocated us back home and we didn't want to rush in to buying so we pocketed the relocation funds to put towards a house when we find one), but we know our limits and won't take on more than $1100/mo max. We have one car payment at a time. DH still has a truck and can't (won't) take DS and his car seat even if it's an emergency (it's never really been an issue thus far). We are waiting as long as we can before trading his truck and taking on another car payment. I buy most of DS's stuff second hand, same for #2. I don't spend on myself very often. We don't take regular vacations (we have taken one since we got married 4 years ago). We do make room for splurges now and then but for the most part we stay within reason. We don't have the luxury of a dual income home so we make it work. I stayed home at first because I wanted to for the first year. We relocated when DS was 7 months and now I'm home because daycare is double the cost here and my potential income wouldn't really cover it and definitely won't cover 2. We have watched our friends bump up their living standards with each salary increase while we have remained on the same standard since we moved in together. We would LOVE to be able to afford the home we really want but we simply can't. We are considering waiting a few more years to possibly get there (ideally we would need to double our savings). That's how it goes for us. We opted to live on one income because my income wasn't reliable so when I decided not to go back to work after I had DS it was an option for us. I know you're upset and I know it sucks. For some reason I'm really irked by you calling it a luxury that others get to stay home. I mean, it is a luxury for sure. But it's a luxury that comes with sacrifices and a different life style. People in both situations have different benefits, that's just how it is. And believe me, there are a lot of moments that I feel like DH has it better when he gets to sit at a desk in a quiet office and not be bothered while doing things, meanwhile I can't take go to the bathroom without company. But he would love to stay home and wishes he could. He knows it isn't easy to be home all the time. And I know that truly it isn't easy to go to work every day.

kstirton · June 2014

I'm sorry your irked - I think the meaning of "luxury" has been beaten to death so I won't try and re-iterate.

So grateful I posted this, really brought a lot to light. There are plusses and minuses to both sides and while it will really be hard in the beginning, I know that we are both working to provide the best for our LO. We have a wonderful house in a nice quiet neighborhood with great schools. Reliable cars, clothes on our back and able to afford more then what our child needs. I can't down play that just because we got pregnant. Once we got engaged, we set the plans in motion to eventually be at this point, financially stable and secure in our careers to have a child. I know it won't always be easy, and I love how someone else commented that regardless, we are making sacrifices - whether it's our alone time at home, or our time with our kids at work.

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