Pity Party - party of 1

kstirton · June 2014

I know this is probably selfish and stupid of me and the pregnancy emotions are NOT helping. But I'm SO PISSED I have to go back to work after I have the baby. It just seems so not fair that other women have the luxury of staying at home while I have to go work 8 hours and pay someone else to take care of my child. It just SUCKS. I hope I can find some way to be at peace with this b/c me being 1/2 the income we would majorly have to change our lives... move to a different house - get rid of car, etc and I'm sure that's not the greatest decision financially either.

Just wish things could be different, but they aren't. SO I've got to suck it up.

>:P

sweetbabyrahe · June 2014

I am a full time working mom and it was never an option to not be. I knew that when I got married and when we started a family. I do love my job, which helps. But it is what we have to do financially and also for my sanity. DS loves his "school" and I don't feel that it makes me less of a mother. I still am able to stay connected with what he does each day, we talk about it every day, we plan special activities in the evenings and on the weekend. It does limit time for household things, and I have to take off time here and there when he is sick or for appointments, but it works out. There is a great blog that really helped me at first called Liberating Working Moms talking about guilt, working mom issues, daycare issues, etc. Maybe check it out.

missnacholover · June 2014

I'm right there with you. DH makes a great salary (I bring in about 1/3 of our household income) but even so, we'd have to majorly change our lifestyle in order for me to stay home. In an perfect world, I'd work part time, like 24 hours/week but I don't think that's even feasible.

It sucks. I can 100% commiserate.

kstirton · June 2014

I've brought that up too - about working part time. But I don't know if it's feasible either. We'd struggle. But day care is so expensive too! It's so funny how my feelings changed once I got pregnant. Before that I was totally fine going back to work, and who knows. maybe I will be. But right now it's just a real hard concept when everyone on FB is posting their pool days and activities with their babies and I'm sitting at work surrounded by people I hate. LOL but true. Sometimes.

Pregnancy can really make you a bitch sometimes too. I'm totally blaming it on that.

kstirton · June 2014

sweetbabyrahe said:

I am a full time working mom and it was never an option to not be. I knew that when I got married and when we started a family. I do love my job, which helps. But it is what we have to do financially and also for my sanity. DS loves his "school" and I don't feel that it makes me less of a mother. I still am able to stay connected with what he does each day, we talk about it every day, we plan special activities in the evenings and on the weekend. It does limit time for household things, and I have to take off time here and there when he is sick or for appointments, but it works out. There is a great blog that really helped me at first called Liberating Working Moms talking about guilt, working mom issues, daycare issues, etc. Maybe check it out.

This was super helpful I'm headed over to that blog now. Maybe I can find some more Pro's!

HappyToBeHere · June 2014

I lurk on the Working Moms board here on TB. Some really good insight, since I'll be in your position as well

momtojad · June 2014

I work full time and the DH is a SAHD. I still hate that have to go back. It is has been a year since I returned from maternity leave with my first and I am counting down the days till maternity leave with this one. We had always made the decision to be one income and never two so that is how we structured our life.

jess123456 · June 2014

Just want to send hugs to you.

Dimples0101 · June 2014

I was in the same exact boat as you with DD. Before I got pregnant, I never even entertained the idea of staying home. We didn't plan for it because I didn't think I wanted to stay home. Then I got pregnant and everything changed. Plus, I'm one of the first out of my friends to have kids, but my sister and all of her friends stay home, so it's almost become the "norm" in my circle. I feel like the odd man out (even though I know so many people work).

But, it's not as bad as I thought it would be. Granted, I would stay home in a heartbeat if we could make it work, but I just try to look at the positives. When my sister posts pictures of her and the girls at the beach on a Wednesday I think about how much DD loves her friends at daycare and how great her teachers are. Or how we were able to afford to go away this past weekend on a whim.

Not sure if it's feasible for you, but about a year ago I began working only 4 days a week. DD is still in daycare, which is great for her, but I also have one extra "stay home" day with her. I didn't think we'd ever be able to make it work because cutting one day a week was 1/5 of my salary. It seemed so drastic, but again, it hasn't been as bad as I originally thought. Anyway, big hugs to you. I know exactly how you feel.

mander82 · June 2014

I am right there with you. For years I said "if I could afford to stay home and raise a child, I would have one" Many failed lottery tickets and birthdays later, it was time to suck it up or accept the fact that I will never have a child.

I hate the thought of letting someone else raising my child. I want my child to learn from me, be like me, spend time with ME. I am soooo selfish

Then the idea of PAYING someone else to do what I WANT to do.......it does suck......but its the way of the world. Hard to believe it used to be normal for a household to survive comfortably on one income......its just not like that anymore.

I just hope that by the end of my short 6 week maternity leave, that I am feeling ok about going back and getting back into my routine. Only time will tell that....but I think it would be easier to go back if I had a longer maternity leave. I am so afraid I am going to miss out when baby starts smiling and cooing.

moroccojade · June 2014

So sorry.

that feeling sucks.

After my first child I had a wonderful one year mat leave. I was dreading going back to work. But I just went back part time for a while. 20 hours a week. (Mostly evenings and weekends. So we didn't need daycare. A friend did watch DD one half day a week though.). Then I went to 30 hours. Two half days of child care needed. Even when I went FT I was still able to only do half time preschool for quite a while.

I was lucky my job was flexible. DD didn't have to do FT preschool till she was 3.5.

Anyway, I say all this because there might be a more flexible job out there for you? We weren't rich during those years because of some of my choices. But I wouldn't change a thing. It was so worth it to enjoy the privilege of raising my daughter.

Hugs. This is hard.

FirstBabyDoyle · June 2014

@kstirton‌ I feel the same way- I guess it's only natural. I don't want some other person bonding with my baby. The thought of daycare at 8 weeks makes my heart so sad.

Dimples0101 · June 2014

Oh, another thing I want to add...although DC might do some "firsts" while at daycare, they will still be a "first" to you when you get to see them and it's so incredible. I still remember the first time I heard DD giggle. She might have already giggled at daycare or while she was supposed to be napping or while I was at the grocery store, but the first time I heard it was my "first" and it was incredible.

SarahHeck · June 2014

It does suck! I'm there with you! I was able to stay home with DD by some miracle, things kept coming up and falling into place where family members would need long term house sitting so we had free rent, which was awesome because my daughter has/had so many medical issues and dr visits and therapies were/are my full time job. Unfortunately! Our time of free housing is coming to an end right after this baby. Hopefully this baby is healthy (knock on wood) because somehow I'm gonna have to work. :-( I was so lucky to be able to stay home and I'm so glad DD and I got that time together, but now I'm sad and kind of feel guilty even that this baby won't get that time. :-(

Soonergirl131 · June 2014

DH and I plan for me to stay home but the closer it gets the more doubts I have this will work out long term. We're totally restructuring our lives to make one income work, I was raised by a stay at home mom and sometimes the thought of going back to work just drives me to tears but I know if we can't pay the bills that is no life for a child.

nicnac817 · June 2014

When we had DD I decided to stay home with her. The first few months were awesome. I was so exhausted from taking care of a newborn, that going to work everyday seemed impossible. After a while I started to resent my husband for being able to get up and go everyday. I missed being able to go about my day without a baby in tow. I missed getting dressed for work everyday. I missed my morning stop at Dunkin Donuts. I missed grabbing lunch with a co worker. I missed the adult conversation. I missed the drive home ALONE to clear my head. Don't misunderstand me, I adored my sweet baby girl. I could stare at her for hours. She amazed me. It was hard going from a working woman who kicked ass everyday, to a woman who barely saw other adults or had adult conversation. Needless to say, I started to adjust to life as a stay at home mommy. It got easier everyday.

When DD turned 1.5 she went to school and I went back to work. I love it! We have a solid morning routine, she goes to school, I work, pick her up ( she runs to me every time I walk in the door, it melts my heart. Best part of my day by far ) , we have play time when we get home, dinner, bath, more playtime and then bed. It works really well for me right now. I get to spend lots of time with her and also have my "adult time".

You might be surprised that you are excited and grateful to go back to work when the time comes. You'll make the best out of every minute you get to spend with you're LO. Then one day your LO will come running to you at daycare yelling "mama mama" and it will become the best part of your day too!

Dimples0101 · June 2014

Very good points @nicnac817. When I was on maternity leave, there were many days that it would suddenly be 3:00 in the afternoon and I hadn't gotten the chance to eat or drink any coffee. When I started working again, I savored being able to get up from my desk and grab a cup of coffee or go to the bathroom uninterrupted. Now I can go to the gym or run errands during my lunch break all alone...it is a very nice aspect of being a working mom.

jlove253 · June 2014

I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this. One thing I was thinking about, is maybe while you can't stay home now, you can start saving/cutting costs so that some day in thee future you'll be able to work a little less. Or before the baby comes paying off as much debt as possible so that you'll not need to make as much money. Again, I'm so sorry you're in a place where you don't get to do why you want I don't mean to presume, I just want to offer any help I can think off.

kaimee27 · June 2014

Yup, I'll have to go back to work too. It does suck, but that's just the way it is for us. Like PP have said, could you drop a day a week? That's not an option for us since I carry the insurance, but if you SO does, maybe it's an option for you? I hope that you're able to find a solution that works for you and your family!

lisaren · June 2014

kstirton said:
I know this is probably selfish and stupid of me and the pregnancy emotions are NOT helping. But I'm SO PISSED I have to go back to work after I have the baby. It just seems so not fair that other women have the luxury of staying at home while I have to go work 8 hours and pay someone else to take care of my child. It just SUCKS. I hope I can find some way to be at peace with this b/c me being 1/2 the income we would majorly have to change our lives... move to a different house - get rid of car, etc and I'm sure that's not the greatest decision financially either.
Just wish things could be different, but they aren't. SO I've got to suck it up.
>:P

Luxury? Not sure that's what I would call it.

runningmama14 · June 2014

I will go back to work full time after 6-8 weeks of maternity leave.

I don't really think calling either side of the coin a "luxury" is fair. There are some moms who stay at home because they have to, some because they want to. Both kinds of SAHMs work their asses off. There are some working moms that work because they have to and others that work because they want to. Both kinds of working moms are working their assess off. Plain and simple. Mom's work their asses off. SAHMs miss adult interaction, feeling accomplished outside the home and recognition. Working moms miss their kids, feel inadequate because they miss functions and always feel like they are failing at everything and pulled in a thousand directions.

Being a mom is hard work, no matter where you "work". We all love our kids and are doing what we have to provide for our children.

I also really resent the phrase "someone else raising your kid(s)". That's such bullshit. Parents raise their children. Dad's who work aren't not raising their children and neither are the moms that work. Saying that a childcare provider is raising your child is like saying your coworkers are responsible fostering a healthier marriage with your spouse.

We raise our kids the best we can and we all work damn hard at it!

Edited to fix spelling.

Maelara · June 2014

I know all of you ladies are sad that you can't stay home. I'm thankful every single day I get to stay home. But I, in no way live in luxury. We are selling our updated home to buy one with more rooms but that is also cheaper and so we can pay my car off. We don't get vacations and if my DH has to stay home sick one day, we struggle a lot that month. Also, please, please, please give yourselves a break! Nobody but you is raising your child! Day care is somewhere for you to send your child and they have fun. You teach your child their morals and their basic foundations for life. You will all be wonderful parents. Don't forget that it is YOU who is raising your child.

lizgrace03 · June 2014

Yeah on the luxury thing- I'm a grad student and my salary doesn't even cover the cost of daycare. So it was a no brainer that I stay home and work when I can. So just pointing out that for some SAH is the more financially feasible option. But I totally empathize with you.

Babin5359 · June 2014

I'm in the same boat and so many other women are as well as you can see. I work 10 hour days with a round trip commute totaling 3 hours. It's no fun and I have major anxiety about going back to work. I try to think about the example I'll be setting for my child and demonstrating that you need to work hard for the things you want/need and really just to survive in today's world. Think about the big smiles and hugs you will come home to at the end of a long day, it will be worth it!! May also make you actually look forward to middle of the night feedings and diaper changes

lisaren · June 2014

Babin5359 said:
I try to think about the example I'll be setting for my child and demonstrating that you need to work hard for the things you want/need and really just to survive in today's world

I get what you're saying. I realllllly do, but...
do you think sahm do Not Set same examples???

I'm sorry but this comment rubs me the wrong way.

ejpetey · June 2014

I'm in the same boat and not knowing how involved the father will be (financially or otherwise) means mine is the only income I can count on at this point. Freaking out a bit about the logistics but also the emotional aspects of starting daycare at 8 weeks. Some of the posts I've read here are reassuring though- and will def check out the working moms board as well. Props to all of you moms that are already working so hard- be it at home or at an office (or both)!

Edited- spelling

Maelara · June 2014

lisaren said:

Babin5359 said:
I try to think about the example I'll be setting for my child and demonstrating that you need to work hard for the things you want/need and really just to survive in today's world
I get what you're saying. I realllllly do, but...
do you think sahm do Not Set same examples???

I'm sorry but this comment rubs me the wrong way.

It rubs me to wrong way too 0.o as a SAHM that makes me pretty angry. My mom stayed at home when she could and I have a terrific work ethic and know exactly what it takes to survive in this world and so will my daughter. Thanks.

ccam · June 2014

I think by luxury, the OP meant that - being able to afford and have the means to stay home with your children is a luxury, to some parents anyway. I would LOVE to stay home with DS and this LO. By no means do I think it's easier than working, in fact, I'm more tired after a day of chasing DS around than I am spending 8 hours at my desk. Nor do I think that staying home is always pool days and mom & me classes. But to have the means to spend everyday with him, yes, that would be a luxury.

brooklyngirl18 · June 2014

runningmama14 said:

I will go back to work full time after 6-8 weeks of maternity leave.

I don't really think calling either side of the coin a "luxury" is fair. There are some moms who stay at home because they have to, some because they want to. Both kinds of SAHMs work their asses off. There are some working moms that work because they have to and others that work because they want to. Both kinds of working moms are working their assess off. Plain and simple. Mom's work their asses off. SAHMs miss adult interaction, feeling accomplished outside the home and recognition. Working moms miss their kids, feel inadequate because they miss functions and always feel like they are failing at everything and pulled in a thousand directions.

Being a mom is hard work, no matter where you "work". We all love our kids and are doing what we have to provide for our children.

I also really resent the phrase "someone else raising your kid(s)". That's such bullshit. Parents raise their children. Dad's who work aren't not raising their children and neither are the moms that work. Saying that a childcare provider is raising your child is like saying your coworkers are responsible fostering a healthier marriage with your spouse.

We raise our kids the best we can and we all work damn hard at it!

Edited to fix spelling.

this exactly 100 times

runningmama14 · June 2014

@kyliedaniellexx‌, wish I could hire you!

runningmama14 · June 2014

ccam said:
I think by luxury, the OP meant that - being able to afford and have the means to stay home with your children is a luxury, to some parents anyway. I would LOVE to stay home with DS and this LO. By no means do I think it's easier than working, in fact, I'm more tired after a day of chasing DS around than I am spending 8 hours at my desk. Nor do I think that staying home is always pool days and mom & me classes. But to have the means to spend everyday with him, yes, that would be a luxury.

I get that in your specific situation, family, jobs, and income staying home would be a luxury, for you. However, I would guess it's pretty safe to say that a majority of homes/families with a stay-at-home parent in North America have made sacrifices, some fairly major, in order to do so. Making a blanket statement about wanting the "luxury of staying home" is demeaning and belittles the sacrifices that those families make.

Edited for spelling again.

lizzielu82 · June 2014

It's not an easy decision either way. My mom worked and I really missed having her when I was younger. Especially when I got sick at school and had to wait a long time for my parents to figure out a neighbor/family friend to come get me.

At the same time, I admired my mom for working and she inspired me and my own career later in life.

As a FTM, I think about both scenarios and the only solution (knowing I have to work) is that I just need to personally get better at an improved work/life balance and make sure my job understands that being a mom is my #1 priority.

Easier said than done but it's something I hope to get better at.

missnacholover · June 2014

Maybe by "luxury", OP meant the luxury of having the choice? Because some families simply do not have the choice for either parent to possibly stay home due to finances, circumstance, whatever. I don't know, that's how I read it.

I can totally see myself loving and hating staying at home. I think I'd love the extra time with the baby (obviously) but would miss my job/coworkers. For me, part time would be ideal although recently I've been more, "wah. I want to stay home".

Autumnsnow · June 2014

kyliedaniellexx said:

I wil be a SAHM because my income isn't enough to justify paying for childcare. Most if not all of my paycheque would go to paying for CC because I don't make a lot of money. It isn't necessarily ideal for us and money is going to be really tight but we just don't have a choice. I am a nanny so I'm hoping I might find a position I can have baby with me but a lot of families aren't comfortable with that so I guess we will see...

We're in the same boat as you. It's not something that I def wanted to do but pretty much my salary would be paying for daycare, especially because of my hours. I don't get home until 7 so we would be paying through the roof for the "after 6" add on and there's no way of just letting me leave earlier. We're trying not to freak out about it and know we will have to be really strict with our money until we get used to it. I'm hoping that instead of quitting that I can transfer back into a store and possibly work day PT like 6am - 10am..my DH works nights and leaves at 130pm so he can at least watch munchkin during the time I would be at work.

alysonmh · June 2014

Not that I didn't love being home with my child but after 2 months of being home I was ready to go back to work. I missed connecting with friends and other adults and only having to take care of myself for a few hours a day, it was a nice break. It may seem hard now but you actually may be thankful to go back to work and enjoy that time to yourself. Being a stay at home mom is not all it's cracked up to be, it's a lot of work. More work than actual work lol. So keep an open mind, it may not bother you as much as you think. Good luck

nicnac817 · June 2014

Maelara said:

I try to think about the example I'll be setting for my child and demonstrating that you need to work hard for the things you want/need and really just to survive in today's world
I get what you're saying. I realllllly do, but... do you think sahm do Not Set same examples??? I'm sorry but this comment rubs me the wrong way.
It rubs me to wrong way too 0.o as a SAHM that makes me pretty angry. My mom stayed at home when she could and I have a terrific work ethic and know exactly what it takes to survive in this world and so will my daughter. Thanks.

In my experience, most women have no idea how hard it is to be a SAHM until they give it a go. Lots of moms realize it isn't the fantasy that they thought. I would know, I was one of them. I do expect that it will be a little easier this time around since I know what to expect, minus the 2 kiddos instead of one part... hahaha

ccam · June 2014

runningmama14 said:

I think by luxury, the OP meant that - being able to afford and have the means to stay home with your children is a luxury, to some parents anyway. I would LOVE to stay home with DS and this LO. By no means do I think it's easier than working, in fact, I'm more tired after a day of chasing DS around than I am spending 8 hours at my desk. Nor do I think that staying home is always pool days and mom & me classes. But to have the means to spend everyday with him, yes, that would be a luxury.

I get that in your specific situation, family, jobs, and income staying home would be a luxury, for you. However, I would guess it's pretty safe to say that a majority of homes/families with a stay-at-home parent in North America have made sacrifices, some fairly major, in order to do so. Making a blanket statement about wanting the "luxury of staying home" is demeaning and belittles the sacrifices that those families make. Edited for spelling again.

I guess it's how you read it then. I never once said that parents who stay home don't make sacrifices. Maybe @missnacholover said it better that the "luxury" is in having the choice at all, or maybe luxury is just the wrong word. I didn't read luxury in terms of money or material things.

lisaren · June 2014

I think for some families there is NO choice. Life makes the choice for you.

That' was my reference to the word luxury

Autumnsnow · June 2014

kyliedaniellexx I wish my parents could help out but they live 45 mins away from us..plus they already watch my 1yr old niece and then later in the day my 5 yr old niece when she gets out of school... I feel bad because they want to help my sister out but I know they are soo overwhelmed and don't have any time for themselves. The only family member close to us is my FIL and I wouldn't even leave my dog with him lol.. Smart man but totally not there. We just both have to keep the faith that things will work out no matter how hard they get... Hopefully we can both get that PT job that will help us out..I know I wouldn't change the situation that I'm in for anything...I can't wait for our lil' munchkin and I'm pretty sure you feel the same way

kstirton · June 2014

lisaren said:

I think for some families there is NO choice. Life makes the choice for you. That' was my reference to the word luxury

Yes this exactly for the luxury discussion. Maybe there's a better word for it but I don't feel as if we have a choice as to whether or not I stay home, and I'd love to at least have the option. I know there are instances where it makes more sense to stay home - not saying this is an "easier" choice, there will be sacrifices, no doubt. But again - my husband and I make the same amount + or - a couple hundred dollars a pay check so that's not justifiable for us.

Everyone had such great points ... and I really appreciate everyone's honesty who came out and said it may not be all it's cracked up to be. There really ARE benefits to both.

missnacholover · June 2014

I agree, sometimes the choice is made for you.

DH and I do have the "luxury" of choice. We could absolutely make it work on just his income, however we would have to drastically change our lifestyle in order to do so and right now that's not something we are both willing to do at this time. If we could live the same way and I stay home, I'd be all for it.

I 1000000% recognize that it's a hard ass job. I do not have delusions of sitting on my ass eating bonbons all day while watching soap operas.

I think, bottom line, people need to do what works for their families. Every family faces tough decisions. Do I want to give up vacations and driving newer cars in order to stay home? Do I want to work outside of the home and possibly miss out on some things in my child's life?

Neither decision is the wrong one and I think that as women and moms we should support eachother and recognize that this job is HARD - no matter how you go about it.

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