Need some advice

jmcgra06 · June 2014

Has anyone had success getting the grandparents to cool it with gifts for LO? We don't like a lot of clutter, and LO already has way more toys than she needs, so we have tried to express that *one* gift is plenty. Instead, one grandparent gives dozens for Christmas and birthdays, and a few trinkets for other holidays as well. I've asked her to limit the shopping but she hasn't, and even when it seems that she does, we will come home later to a bag of toys or clothes that she dropped off after the fact.

Has anyone had any luck having this discussion? Right now I just return or donate the extra stuff, but I hate that she's wasting her money, and eventually LO will be big enough to notice if we get rid of the stuff so that will no longer be an option! I'd love her to buy one, reasonably priced toy, but at the very least, buying one $50 toy instead of 10 $5 toys would be a start! We have also suggested gift cards to My Gym or swimming, but that hasn't really worked.

I realize this is a classic first world problem, and I'm glad that she wants to see LO happy, but this seriously drives me nuts.

bumpuser8448316 · June 2014

You really can't do it without hurting their feelings or dictating how they spend their money. Throw stuff in a closet so that you can rotate toys or re gift

AlsGal01 · June 2014

We throw stuff in a big toy chest and rotate it. I've also started taking stuff to the grandparents house and leaving it saying this is for when he comes here to play.

amie444 · June 2014

I only wish my Dad and my FIL wanted to spend time with us. I say sell or donate. Maybe???

jmcgra06 · June 2014

amie444 said:

I only wish my Dad and my FIL wanted to spend time with us. I say sell or donate. Maybe???

Yeah I think it's more the lack of spending time, and choosing instead to give trinkets.

WasNotWas · June 2014

So far out solution is to not buy gifts ourselves. We let the grandparents go nuts and if, after the party, there is anything they still need or want we get it ourselves (Bradley has to earn it)

WasNotWas · June 2014

O and the miss manners in me will deny ever saying this, but often I re-gift or even give the gifts later as a reward or special occasion

mamainVA2013 · June 2014

I have the same issue with my MIL. For DDs birthday, I asked for summer outfits. I specifically told her the size (DH confirmed this), but she got her a ton of clothes from specialty boutiques that she can't return. She got 18 month outfits; we asked for 9 month outfits because our girl is a peanut. She has been buying these outfits for some time apparently (many last summer). Dd was in newborn clothes for the first three months of her life, so she's always been on the smaller end and I've told her not to go buy a bunch of seasonal stuff for the future because you never know what size shell be in.

Then, MIL gets bent out of shape when DD doesn't end up wearing most of the stuff she gets her. I just put a few outfits on her to show how ridiculously big they are (MIL didn't believe me because she said the clothes didn't look that big).

Wow, sorry that ended up being my own little vent. I'm pretty snarky with my MIL because she never listens. I'd just take a bunch of the stuff you don't want or need to her house and tell her to keep it there. Or, I like @WasNotWas‌ ideas about regifting, etc.

cafecreme · June 2014

Sadly, no. I even expressed to my mom and MIL that she doesn't need anything. For C's birthday I gave my MIL a list of a few items for her birthday, and told her to let me know what item she was getting. She ended up getting 2 items, after I told her only 1. She got a lot of big items from our parents for her birthday- a riding toy (DD already has one), water table and a 2 person wagon. What am I going to do with those things in a small, 2 bedroom apartment? I feel bad, but I re-sold them on my local yard sale page. Maybe you could do something similar?

jmcgra06 · June 2014

Beary+Ghastly said:

Sadly, no. I even expressed to my mom and MIL that she doesn't need anything. For C's birthday I gave my MIL a list of a few items for her birthday, and told her to let me know what item she was getting. She ended up getting 2 items, after I told her only 1. She got a lot of big items from our parents for her birthday- a riding toy (DD already has one), water table and a 2 person wagon. What am I going to do with those things in a small, 2 bedroom apartment? I feel bad, but I re-sold them on my local yard sale page. Maybe you could do something similar?

Yeah, I usually can return them for store credit, it's just a hassle and I feel silly at customer service saying "I got this as a gift, I think it's from your store?" I think a lot of is it the lack of listening, and it feels like she doesn't respect my opinion as a result. I'm sure she also thinks I don't respect her opinion. We used to have such a good relationship, and then she lived with us for a year without picking up after herself at all or contributing any money to housing, food or utilities, and things got super tense. She said when she moved out that she was going to give us a certain amount of money for utilities and still hasn't, so that is definitely part of the irritation... I guess Kohl's merchandise credit is better than no money at all?

In laws are hard...

jmcgra06 · June 2014

Shoogars said:

We have this problem too. Every time we see MIL she has new toys for DD 1 who is 2...it's ALL Minnie Mouse crap that we don't want or need. We leave it at her house. But it's getting to the point that DD walks in and asks for her new presents. I hate it. Then she accuses me of being ungrateful, it's becoming a huge problem.

Exactly - I seriously dislike Minnie Mouse!

PinkPuffyHeart2 · June 2014

I would just say thank you and get rid of what you don't use or need.

Mufflerlove · June 2014

I have this problem except with old used crap. Mil brings over seriously old and worn out things that she claims she just washed (NOT). It's all garbage. Or she will "make" something that also turns out to be garbage. It's harsh but true. She sewed me a nursing pillow that was hard as a rock and totally crooked and the opening barely fit around my leg.. Wtf. She never gets it and keeps doing it even when I ask her not too. DH gets mad if I say anything about it even though he knows I'm right.

jefk · June 2014

Ugh. We've been having this issue even before we had DD. My mom buys us random stuff from Home Goods that we don't want or need (another set of wooden spoons, thanks), and the ILs would rather throw money at us than actually spend time with us (thanks for the gift card to Cheesecake Factory, how about you come with us to dinner for once?). Now that DD is here, its nothing but frilly little dresses and way too many toys. Some stuff I return, some of the uglier clothes I send to daycare for back-ups.

My mom is much easier to talk to and gets it for the most part (though I do have to tell her to resist the deals she finds at Marshalls), but MIL is another story. When we tell her to please stop buying things, big things especially, the response is, "Whatever." Literally, that's exactly what she says. She's impossible, and I'm beyond fed up with her. I'd much rather have ILs spend time with DD than buy her things, and they just don't get that.

Cricket81 · June 2014

@jefk‌
What adult says "whatever"?!?

cafecreme · June 2014

jmcgra06 said:

Shoogars said:

We have this problem too. Every time we see MIL she has new toys for DD 1 who is 2...it's ALL Minnie Mouse crap that we don't want or need. We leave it at her house. But it's getting to the point that DD walks in and asks for her new presents. I hate it. Then she accuses me of being ungrateful, it's becoming a huge problem.

Exactly - I seriously dislike Minnie Mouse!

+1, LOL I hate Minnie Mouse too, yet my mom buys her pretty much any type of clothing with Minnie Mouse. When we were team green, it was all Winnie The Pooh. Sorry Pooh, but I hate you too.

MorganWP · June 2014

We usually just leave whatever MIL buys DD at their house so that she "has toys there". Seemed to be a good solution until MIL complained that she has no where to put anything. Then stop buying her things?

My SO's BIL and sister (mostly his BIL) has said to keep the money they would use to buy something with and put it away for their little one. But MIL took offense to that and said that if she wants to buy something, she'll buy something and if she wants to put money away, she'll put it away.

If my mom buys DD something, its usually because we've specifically said we want it for DD or its a keepsake that she'll have for a long time not just a random toy. Which is nice.

JessicaKS · June 2014

We have this exact issue! My MIL is the queen of buying too much and almost actively ignoring our requests not to buy stuff. Once she called me to tell me that she bought LO "something small". It turned out to be a hand painted personalized toy bin. It wasn't for a holiday or birthday. Just a random day. It also wasn't small! It's actually working out really well now that we have it, but I was super irritated the day it arrived. I had to rearrange the nursery to get it to fit!

jennOK · June 2014

I have the same problem with my MIL buying stuff, only it's not for LO, it's for ME. She will buy me sacks of hideous clothes. I secretly think it's because she hates me.

I mean the stuff is nothing like the clothes I wear. It looks like something a person in a retirement home would like. My husband and I have both told her to not buy me clothes because we have different taste. She keeps doing it! All the time.

I have a whole bag in my room right now that I haven't done anything with. What adult buys another adult clothes. I'm a grown woman I can buy my own clothes!

weddinginthecove · June 2014

I have the same problem with my SIL. She buys more for LO at every occasion than we do and just goes way overboard. I specifically told her the one thing I did not want for LOs birthday was a motorized ride on ( he's way too young yet IMO) , guess what she bought. It's like a competition to them to buy LO the best toy. I will not be competing in her game, it will get to the point where it will be a fight. DH does not want to get involved, it is probably the number one reason we argue.

GalLaura · June 2014

We just had this conversation with my mil again. I hope she listens this time!

The thing that irks me is she offered to buy lo pjs. It's winter here. I get the pjs and they are clearly from a second hand store and too small. Meanwhile she is wasting money on toys we don't need and asked her not to buy.

Cricket81 · June 2014

@jennOK‌
My mil loves to buy me clothes for Xmas, but she has no idea what size I am. I am short, so she buys petite small tops. The problem is, I've always had big boobs. There is no way a small anything is getting over them. She just had no idea. So frustrating.

JessicaKS · June 2014

Another present gripe:

LO's birthday is in a few days and she started to get presents by mail from some of my husband's relatives. So far, literally everything she got was ages 3+. Not only can she not enjoy it because its for children who are much older, but some of it comes with smaller parts. They are all super nice presents, but gosh! Get her something she can play with!

HelgaFunk · June 2014

I know you all are just venting but some of the comments just make y'all sound so ungrateful. There are way worse problems in the world than having grandparents that want to spoil your LO. I'm pretty sure they just want to do for the grandbabies what they weren't able to do for their kids for whatever reason and it makes them feel good to do so. Instead of complaining to them about all the stuff they're buying, tell them thank you and keep the really cool stuff and donate the rest to kids that are less fortunate. ::end rant::

jmcgra06 · June 2014

HelgaFunk said:
I know you all are just venting but some of the comments just make y'all sound so ungrateful. There are way worse problems in the world than having grandparents that want to spoil your LO. I'm pretty sure they just want to do for the grandbabies what they weren't able to do for their kids for whatever reason and it makes them feel good to do so. Instead of complaining to them about all the stuff they're buying, tell them thank you and keep the really cool stuff and donate the rest to kids that are less fortunate. ::end rant::

I definitely hear what you are saying, but I also think the overriding feeling here is that a lot of people don't feel like their parents or especially in laws are respecting their autonomy and (for lack of a better word) wishes. My aunt lives on a very tight budget and when she sent lo a little duck toy, I genuinely appreciated it and thought it was very sweet. When MIL buys significantly more and can't keep it for us because she us a severe hoarder so there is no room for lo to even go to her apartment, it's frustrating. For us, at least, it's more about specifically asking to give gifts of events like gym class or zoo membership and having that request ignored.

Just my two cents

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