Help me. Infidelity issues.

SmittyPants · June 2014

Jennibeanjld said:

Thank you all for the kind words, advice, and encouragement. I'm not sure what to do at this point as the wound seems so fresh. He does seem to be remorseful, for those that asked, but I'm not sure if he really is or he's saying that he is because he was caught. I'm not sure how physical they were, but the texts don't leave much for the imagination. He had to work last night (I left and went home after he left for work) and I'm at work now so we haven't had a chance to sit down and talk. All I want to do right now is beat this shit out of him, slash the bitches tires, and publicly humiliate the both of them, but I know that won't get me anything but jail time. We've only been married 6 months (together 5 years) and I have no idea how long this has been going on. I'm just so hurt and can't help but think what I could have done to make him not want to cheat on me.
Don't blame yourself or start to question what you could have done. He made this decision and did the TO you, not because of you. I know how hard it is, especially with the wound still fresh, but you definitely are NOT at fault here. I hope your sit down conversation goes well and that you can get some comfort in knowing what your decision will be.

THIS!!!!!

Do not, DO NOT!!!!! think that this is in any way, shape or form, something that you caused. It isn't. He decided his penis was more important than his family. That's his fucking issue and a really shitty one at that.

Fuck, I hate men sometimes.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

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teaforthree · June 2014

I am so sorry; I'm devastated for you. I second everything everyone has said, and we're here anytime you need to vent. I highly suggest counseling; if he won't go, go by yourself. Also, would like to add that I went through something similar - he didn't cheat, but I came home and his closet was cleaned out; I had a four year old. There were days I thought I would die from the pain of it. Even though right now it may not feel like it, it does get better, I promise. We're here for you.

PerkyErky · June 2014

Big big hugs. I am sorry you are having to deal with this when you should be relishing in your beautiful daughter you moved mountains to create.

As others have stated, this is NOT your fault. He chose his actions and he chose them knowing the damage he would cause. Even if your relationship wasn't perfect, he chose to take those issues outside of your marriage instead of bringing them to you, his partner. And as for this "friend" of yours...I can't even. Not only do you have the betrayal from your spouse, but also from someone you considered a friend. Shame on them. You have no shame to shoulder here.

lalaith50 · June 2014

Simple explanation- He's just a shit head. It's NOT your fault.

VineyardMel · June 2014

I am just so sorry this is happening to you. Don't even let yourself entertain the worm holes of trying to figure out what you might have done wrong--even if you were the worst wife ever (which you're obviously not), cheating wouldn't be OK. I hate that they have put you in this awful position.

dannie2011 · June 2014

You were married 6 months ago, just had a baby. He knew dam well what he was doing, get pissed get it out of your system so you can think straight then make your choice.

For me emotional cheating or physically cheating are the same. My ex did both they both hurt the same and I tried to keep our marriage going but he never changed. His line of thinking was wait long enough till the coast was clear and start over. Not all cheaters are willing to change as it will need a lot of work.

You need to figure out if he is sorry because he got caught or truly sorry, and as this has been an ongoing relationship with your friend she also needs to get an earful. You said you've had a hunch for months so it's probably been longer than that.

theluckiest9 · June 2014

You did nothing wrong! Please vent here if you need to. *hugs*

Monanmario26 · June 2014

I went through the exact same thing but I found out when I was 35 weeks pregnant on feb 9th I would never forget I heard a conversation between my husband and his best friend and he was telling him everything he did with my "friend" it was bad they went all the way and at that point I felt just like u helpless worthless and like I was at fault for him doing this I confronted him he was soooo remorseful and just wanted to fix things right away I wanted to leave him and the chick kept denying it all finally he told me the truth and we also told her husband it was just a huge mess I almost went into labor because of this I hated my husband and wanted to leave him for sure how ever he is and I know for a fact he has regret everything they did and I decided to continue with him because I remembered what my life was like without a father and I need my son to grow up with a father figure we seeker counseling at church and this has helped him open up a lot I know that if we continue this way he won't do it again the first thing I did was cut allllll communication between them he is very aware that he lost all of my trust so he knows I check his phone his calls and his every step (trust me I'm not the jealous type so I hateeeee doing it) but I better be safe than sorry I gave him this second chance cause he really wanted it not cause he deserved it!!! Trust me just like u I had a weird feeling about them but I thought I was going nuts so always trust your gut they gave me so many signs and I ignored them
I'm so sorry your going through this but your not alone hope the decision you make is the best for you and your LO it has been soooo hard I found out 4 months ago and there isn't a day that I don't think about it but as log as u confront him and get all the truth out you won't be wondering what else happened best of luck
Xoxoxoxoxox

KTdid81 · June 2014

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can't tell you whether to stay or leave. I can say that if you can't get past it and you're going to always doubt him then you shouldn't stay. You have to be able to fully forgive and not bring it up again to get past this.
This is not your fault. You are worth more then this.
Being a shitty husband doesn't make you a shitty father. He can still be her father and be there for her.
And if you want me to kick his ass let me know.

coreyeliz · June 2014

NOT your fault!!! 1000x not your fault! People don't cheat because of something their SO did or didn't do. No matter what is going on in a relationship, there are always other choices than to cheat.

It's awfully convenient for the cheater to deflect the blame onto the person/people they hurt, but in my opinion that's a double violation. HE did this, and he alone.

beachcomberbride · June 2014

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My ex husband cheated on me and I left him. I have no advice other than to follow your heart and take care of yourself and your little one. This is NOT your fault, it's his.

lnvane00 · June 2014

My heart breaks for you. I wish we could be there in person to support you. I also wish I had the right words to say

I hate that you are going through this. Im so sorry

Brich3321 · June 2014

This is not your fault what-so-ever. I'm so sorry you are going through this at what should be the most amazing time of your life. I hope you can take the time to think things through and find your peace in whatever decision you make. **hugs**

Aliki · June 2014

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Know that you have the support of many M14s for you to lean on.

I highly recommend finding a therapist or a counsellor to talk to, and try mediation if possible. I think a lot of this will depend on YH's reaction to all of this. Will he be remorseful? Will he change? Will he deny it or be aggressive or point fingers? How is your relationship aside from this incident?

And to echo what others have said: Harper can still grow up knowing her father, even if you guys aren't together. I think the important thing for Harper is to see her mother is not being abused, stepped on, and pushed around.

jazzyexpo · June 2014

I'm so sorry you're going through this and it's definitely not your fault! I have no advice to add, but always have an open ear if you need it. -hugs-

ladyglittersparkles · June 2014

I'm not very good with words, but know that myself and M14 are all here for support. My heart is aching for you and you do whatever you need to for yourself and Harper to be happy. Much love to ya mama

amholley1 · June 2014

June and I send all our love to you & Harper. Everyone has said what I would have said. You're a wonderful person and deserve nothing but happiness. I hope you find a solution soon.

kls33145 · June 2014

bandteacher said:
What a cuntwaffle. MH thinks he's a turd, for the record. I don't have anything new to add, but please know you didn't cause this, you're a wonderful mom and we're here for you.

Grrrrrreat. Now instead of twatwaffle I'll think of this every time I try to enjoy a tasty, chocolate chip waffle!!

@nlane0723‌ - What a frigging moron that man is. I'd like to roundhouse kick him in the face. It totally learn to do that just for the occasion.
How are you doing?? Have you talked to dickwad at all?
Thinking of you!

kls33145 · June 2014

ALSO

who the hell is this "friend"???? What human being does this to their friend??? Especially knowing you and him just had a baby!!!!

Put me in a room with her....

Man, I'm violent tonight. I'm usually not, at all. But this really makes me mad. Some people are just low-grade scum.

angelsnight · June 2014

OP, I'm going to send you a PM. I'm very sorry you're going through this.

nlane0723 · June 2014

We talked last night and at first he said it was just sexual jokes between friends. I told him that I subpoenaed his text messages (I work in the legal field and he knows I have connections, but he has no idea that iPhone messages are basically impossible to recover) and suggested that he be forthcoming because if I found out he lied when I reviewed them, I would walk. He told me that it was just sexting and it never got physical. I want to believe him, but I feel like it's almost worse that he was sexting because that takes emotion and feelings; you can have emotionless sex. I've blocked incoming and outgoing texts/voice so he isn't able to communicate with her, but he doesn't know.

I want to believe him, but I feel so betrayed. The fact that he wasn't forthcoming at first makes me suspicious too. He promised that he wouldn't see her again and that if she was out in our group of friends he would leave.

We are going to therapy starting Monday. I don't want to get a divorce, but I can't just wake up and forget what I saw.

nlane0723 · June 2014

Jennibeanjld said:
I hope that therapy helps you (if it doesn't help him and his issues, I hope it at least helps you get closure).

The fact that this "friend" would still be around your group of friends makes me leery. Do your other friends know this was going on? I'm sorry that this will affect so many facets of your life through no fault of your own!!

I exposed their relationship to everyone in our group. I'm not sure if she will show her face, but my best friends gender reveal (don't hate) party is this Saturday and I'm not sure if she will show up. Everyone is disgusted with her and my H, especially given that we were the "perfect couple" that survived infertility. My BF already said that she would ask her to leave if she showed up.

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kaking78 · June 2014

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope that counseling works for you regardless of what your ulitmate decision is. We're here for you!

rockopera · June 2014

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Good for you for confronting him and going to therapy. I hope, whatever outcome you want to work toward, that you do it on your terms.

Please make sure to take care of yourself, and banish any self blame for him making insanely stupid decisions.

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