Good touch bad touch

Herefishy87 · June 2014

I have been trying to think of age appropriate ways of taking about stranger danger and good touch/bad touch with DS1 who will be 3 the end of July. I'm afraid to scare him, confuse him or even talk to him at all about it because he may be too young to even understand.
This has been on mind a lot lately because we have a new extended family member and for some reason he is coming up on my radar and I feel like there is something off. (Diff story but my kids will never be alone with him for even a second)
What have you told your older kids or what and when do you plan on starting to have these conversations with LO? I know there is social workers and mental health workers here what's your professional option?

MissLauraPants · June 2014

I would start as early as possible and use appropriate names for body parts. You can get free coloring books that are good touch/bad touch as well. I will have to look for it online if you want or may have a pdf at my work computer. I would start talking about the basics and reinforce it often that no one should touch them at all and talk about when they need to tell an adult if someone does or tries to.

WhenInRome11 · June 2014

The current thought is to teach your child about "tricky people" rather than stranger danger because as soon as someone introduces themselves to your child they are no longer a stranger in a child mind.

This explains it well.

https://www.checklistmommy.com/2012/02/09/tricky-people-are-the-new-strangers/

Herefishy87 · June 2014

MissLauraPants said:
I would start as early as possible and use appropriate names for body parts. You can get free coloring books that are good touch/bad touch as well. I will have to look for it online if you want or may have a pdf at my work computer. I would start talking about the basics and reinforce it often that no one should touch them at all and talk about when they need to tell an adult if someone does or tries to.

That's a good idea with a coloring book. We try and use appropriate names but he says peepee instead of penis so Im hoping it's a transition word till he can actually say penis.

Herefishy87 · June 2014

KuhaBaby said:
I don't have any answers for you so I will be checking back to see what others have to say.

One idea that stayed with me though is when you do have the talk, teach your kid a safe word. Meaning, if a stranger comes up to you and says that your parents told them to give you a ride home... Teach your child not to go with that adult unless they know the safe word.

The safe word idea I LOVE! I had never heard about it till I saw it discussed here. I will deft be doing that cause I'm super paranoid. (Too much SVU I think)

MissLauraPants · June 2014

-Also, most of the sexual assaults on children are not strangers at all but people close to them (so keep that in mind). The coloring books are super basic and talk about people are not allowed to touch where a bathing suit covers and goes over vagina, penis, breasts ets. It is imperative to teach them the correct words. Also goes over that a doctor examining will touch there to check but ask permission and an adult will be there but other people may not.
It also goes over people the child can tell like police, teachers, adult, parents.

mancila60 · June 2014

I agree about teaching them it's not about strangers that it can be anyone. Also I agree with having a safe word, my cousin had a safe word growing up which was something weird and crazy that you wouldn't have in a normal sentence. It was like hippo or or some zoo type animal.

I think a coloring book is good for younger children and it's good to start now. I wouldn't get discouraged though if it seems like they don't get it. It will take time but stick with it and eventually they will get it.

Herefishy87 · June 2014

WhenInRome11 said:
The current thought is to teach your child about "tricky people" rather than stranger danger because as soon as someone introduces themselves to your child they are no longer a stranger in a child mind.

This explains it well.

https://www.checklistmommy.com/2012/02/09/tricky-people-are-the-new-strangers/

This awesome thank you! I will be sharing this on Facebook!

Herefishy87 · June 2014

MissLauraPants said:
-Also, most of the sexual assaults on children are not strangers at all but people close to them (so keep that in mind). The coloring books are super basic and talk about people are not allowed to touch where a bathing suit covers and goes over vagina, penis, breasts ets. It is imperative to teach them the correct words. Also goes over that a doctor examining will touch there to check but ask permission and an adult will be there but other people may not.
It also goes over people the child can tell like police, teachers, adult, parents.

This is what scares me about the "new family member". I don't want to get too specific cause my sn is easy to identify me. (Oddly enough) My H who normally thinks I'm insane about being paranoid, actually agrees with me that he is a bit shady. Because it's family I can't tell everyone he's a fucking creeper don't let my kids near him so I just have to be hyper aware of where they are at all times. I've heard stories about people being abused while all their family is in the next room. I'm not sure how to handle this so I what to drive the point home to ds1 touching is not ok ever! In an age appropriate manner of course.

Herefishy87 · June 2014

mancila60 said:
I agree about teaching them it's not about strangers that it can be anyone. Also I agree with having a safe word, my cousin had a safe word growing up which was something weird and crazy that you wouldn't have in a normal sentence. It was like hippo or or some zoo type animal.

I think a coloring book is good for younger children and it's good to start now. I wouldn't get discouraged though if it seems like they don't get it. It will take time but stick with it and eventually they will get it.

Zoo animal... Good idea. Who the hell could fit rhino into a conversation!

WhenInRome11 · June 2014

Herefishy87 said:

MissLauraPants said:
-Also, most of the sexual assaults on children are not strangers at all but people close to them (so keep that in mind). The coloring books are super basic and talk about people are not allowed to touch where a bathing suit covers and goes over vagina, penis, breasts ets. It is imperative to teach them the correct words. Also goes over that a doctor examining will touch there to check but ask permission and an adult will be there but other people may not.
It also goes over people the child can tell like police, teachers, adult, parents.
This is what scares me about the "new family member". I don't want to get too specific cause my sn is easy to identify me. (Oddly enough) My H who normally thinks I'm insane about being paranoid, actually agrees with me that he is a bit shady. Because it's family I can't tell everyone he's a fucking creeper don't let my kids near him so I just have to be hyper aware of where they are at all times. I've heard stories about people being abused while all their family is in the next room. I'm not sure how to handle this so I what to drive the point home to ds1 touching is not ok ever! In an age appropriate manner of course.

I think you should definitely trust your gut and just make sure you or your Husband is always in the room when your child near this new family member. Of course you could be completely wrong about him but why take that chance.

Herefishy87 · June 2014

WhenInRome11 said:

Herefishy87 said:

MissLauraPants said:
-Also, most of the sexual assaults on children are not strangers at all but people close to them (so keep that in mind). The coloring books are super basic and talk about people are not allowed to touch where a bathing suit covers and goes over vagina, penis, breasts ets. It is imperative to teach them the correct words. Also goes over that a doctor examining will touch there to check but ask permission and an adult will be there but other people may not.
It also goes over people the child can tell like police, teachers, adult, parents.
This is what scares me about the "new family member". I don't want to get too specific cause my sn is easy to identify me. (Oddly enough) My H who normally thinks I'm insane about being paranoid, actually agrees with me that he is a bit shady. Because it's family I can't tell everyone he's a fucking creeper don't let my kids near him so I just have to be hyper aware of where they are at all times. I've heard stories about people being abused while all their family is in the next room. I'm not sure how to handle this so I what to drive the point home to ds1 touching is not ok ever! In an age appropriate manner of course.
I think you should definitely trust your gut and just make sure you or your Husband is always in the room when your child near this new family member. Of course you could be completely wrong about him but why take that chance.

I'm afraid that I'm wrong and accusing him in my head but I'm a million times more afraid that I'm right. I don't want to find out the hard way.

ashleymarie512 · June 2014

I think @MissLauraPants‌ summed up everything that came to my mind. The other thing to tell kids is that "no touching should ever be a secret".

@WhenInRome11‌ hit the nail on the head for moving away from stranger danger, because 90% of child victims are assaulted by someone they know (yes, I have sources). Stranger danger just isn't accurate anymore. There's usually a lot of grooming of victims before any physical contact even takes place.

Herefishy87 · June 2014

KuhaBaby said:

Herefishy87 said:

MissLauraPants said:
-Also, most of the sexual assaults on children are not strangers at all but people close to them (so keep that in mind). The coloring books are super basic and talk about people are not allowed to touch where a bathing suit covers and goes over vagina, penis, breasts ets. It is imperative to teach them the correct words. Also goes over that a doctor examining will touch there to check but ask permission and an adult will be there but other people may not.
It also goes over people the child can tell like police, teachers, adult, parents.
This is what scares me about the "new family member". I don't want to get too specific cause my sn is easy to identify me. (Oddly enough) My H who normally thinks I'm insane about being paranoid, actually agrees with me that he is a bit shady. Because it's family I can't tell everyone he's a fucking creeper don't let my kids near him so I just have to be hyper aware of where they are at all times. I've heard stories about people being abused while all their family is in the next room. I'm not sure how to handle this so I what to drive the point home to ds1 touching is not ok ever! In an age appropriate manner of course.
Yup, unfortunately I know someone that was molested by her uncle while her parents were outside with her brother. She didn't understand that it was wrong or bad until she was a teenager. When she finally told her mom... no one believed her. They said she must have seen in on a movie when she was younger... Makes me sad. Nothing ever happened to him and now he is a dad himself. Ish.

If her mom was proactive like you are trying to be I think it would have really helped her.

Ugh that's so sad. Poor girl, how could someone not believe it! I would always take my kids word over someone else's with this kind of situation.

Herefishy87 · June 2014

ashleymarie512 said:
I think @MissLauraPants‌ summed up everything that came to my mind. The other thing to tell kids is that "no touching should ever be a secret".

@WhenInRome11‌ hit the nail on the head for moving away from stranger danger, because 90% of child victims are assaulted by someone they know (yes, I have sources). Stranger danger just isn't accurate anymore. There's usually a lot of grooming of victims before any physical contact even takes place.

Thank you that's a good line to teach them as well! I have no memory of my mom ever teaching me this stuff so I can't even use what she taught me.

Edit-90% is really really fucking scary! I don't feel guilty for thinking everyone is a child molester now!

MissLauraPants · June 2014

It is super scary, I only work with kids and teens in therapy and I'd say 95% of the sexual assaults I have seen are by a family member unfortunately. Go with your gut and teach your kids safety and appropriateness and keep the conversation open with them so it is second nature for them to repeat and go "ohhhh mommmmm not again" lol

Kdanson · June 2014

Definitely teach your child that it could be anyone, and that touching that way is never ok. It could be family that they love, trust and look up to completely, or even one of their peers the same age or slightly older.

Don't wait for the schools to teach them, like so many parents do. I don't think they teach about this until grade 3 (at least when I was in school.) For many children, that's too late.

muffyvonmuff · June 2014

I was molested by my best friends dad as a preteen. They are very persuasive into convincing you that you can't tell anyone because you will be the one to get in trouble. Eventually I stopped hanging out with her so I wouldn't be near her dad. I don't think I had enough information growing up so I will definitely be teaching DS those things early too.

ashleymarie512 · June 2014

I'm going through the certification process to proceed sex offender treatment and whenever I go to a training I'm like "welp, my kids aren't going to see the light of day" and everyone seems extra creepy. It's hard though because the ones to worry about aren't driving windowless vans leering at kids at the park. They're the coaches, teachers, "fun" family members trying to get close.

It's creepy and scary and icky.

Also, one thing I'll never do is force my kids to hug anyone. If they want to, fine, but so many times parents tell their kids to hug family before leaving, and even go so far as to make them do it. If they're not comfortable doing it, I won't push them.

Herefishy87 · June 2014

MissLauraPants said:
It is super scary, I only work with kids and teens in therapy and I'd say 95% of the sexual assaults I have seen are by a family member unfortunately. Go with your gut and teach your kids safety and appropriateness and keep the conversation open with them so it is second nature for them to repeat and go "ohhhh mommmmm not again" lol

I will deft be annoying and make them crazy discussing it! Lol! Thanks for all the help this gives me serious anxiety.

Herefishy87 · June 2014

Kdanson said:
Definitely teach your child that it could be anyone, and that touching that way is never ok. It could be family that they love, trust and look up to completely, or even one of their peers the same age or slightly older.

Don't wait for the schools to teach them, like so many parents do. I don't think they teach about this until grade 3 (at least when I was in school.) For many children, that's too late.

I think parents should be the open about it with their kids but the school should also cover it on kindergarten and straight through high school. I remember being a kid and taking things more seriously or to heart if I heard other people besides my parents say it.

Herefishy87 · June 2014

ashleymarie512 said:
I'm going through the certification process to proceed sex offender treatment and whenever I go to a training I'm like "welp, my kids aren't going to see the light of day" and everyone seems extra creepy. It's hard though because the ones to worry about aren't driving windowless vans leering at kids at the park. They're the coaches, teachers, "fun" family members trying to get close.

It's creepy and scary and icky.

Also, one thing I'll never do is force my kids to hug anyone. If they want to, fine, but so many times parents tell their kids to hug family before leaving, and even go so far as to make them do it. If they're not comfortable doing it, I won't push them.

I never thought about not making them hug people!

(

Herefishy87 · June 2014

has615 said:
I was molested by my best friends dad as a preteen. They are very persuasive into convincing you that you can't tell anyone because you will be the one to get in trouble. Eventually I stopped hanging out with her so I wouldn't be near her dad. I don't think I had enough information growing up so I will definitely be teaching DS those things early too.

I'm so terribly sorry that happened to you! I apologize if this tread hit too close to home and upset you at all. Thank you for sharing your story I appreciate the first hand information. ((Hugs))

jennlin · June 2014

Don't forget, siblings and cousins, and other kids their own age can also take unfair advantage of little ones.

I was also abused growing up--don't talk about it much, but it was multiple family members, aged 5-7yrs older than me, when I was 4-13.

Kdanson · June 2014

has615 said:
I was molested by my best friends dad as a preteen. They are very persuasive into convincing you that you can't tell anyone because you will be the one to get in trouble. Eventually I stopped hanging out with her so I wouldn't be near her dad. I don't think I had enough information growing up so I will definitely be teaching DS those things early too.

So sorry this happened to you.
I agree that the best defence is a good
offence when it comes to this issue. When I was in this situation I wouldn't tell anyone because I didn't want my cousin to get into trouble, I loved him.

jennlin · June 2014

I'm part of a FB group called "the mama bear effect". It's got great tips and resources.

Herefishy87 · June 2014

jennlin said:
Don't forget, siblings and cousins, and other kids their own age can also take unfair advantage of little ones.

I was also abused growing up--don't talk about it much, but it was multiple family members, aged 5-7yrs older than me, when I was 4-13.

I'm so sorry that happnened to you! That's so awful that it was done by multiple family members and at such young ages. People are awful.
I watch him like a hawk with other children because two of my friend had this issue with their kid and they were really young. The one child it happened in their yard/house and the other was at preschool.
Thank you though for sharing because I always feel like such a nervous Neely and people think I'm crazy for side eyeing other little kids.

Herefishy87 · June 2014

Kdanson said:

has615 said:
I was molested by my best friends dad as a preteen. They are very persuasive into convincing you that you can't tell anyone because you will be the one to get in trouble. Eventually I stopped hanging out with her so I wouldn't be near her dad. I don't think I had enough information growing up so I will definitely be teaching DS those things early too.
So sorry this happened to you.
I agree that the best defence is a good
offence when it comes to this issue. When I was in this situation I wouldn't tell anyone because I didn't want my cousin to get into trouble, I loved him.

That has to be a terrible situation to be in as a child. I'm so sorry that have have dealt with this as well.

Herefishy87 · June 2014

jgslr said:
Yeah, 1 in 4 girls and I think it's 1 in 6 boys is molested. And yup, it's coaches, family, even older siblings. Sleepovers are a major issue, I may not let dd go to them, we'll see.

I remember having these conversations with my mom a lot, she taught me the correct terms, what areas, and even tickling close to there was a no. I recently read an article that said repeatedly saying/reaffirming that there are NO SECRETS between you and mommy and if anyone asks you to keep a secret tell mommy right away.

Our dark family secret is that my cousin was molested by her 13 yr old brother when she was around 7. She told her mom and she didn't want to believe her. She told my mom and my mom was the one who slapped some sense into her sister. They're all grown adults now, but it's just. ..sad...and terrifying.

eta: clarification, my love its are support love tits for PP or agreement.

Such scary high numbers! How is this so "common" and no one really discusses it enough or shares techniques to help prevent. I almost didn't post this thread beacause I didn't want to hurt anyone and bring up bad feelings so if anyone is upset by this I sincerely apologize! I just think it's something that should be openly discussed more. Anyone I ask can never give me good advise or just thinks I'm cray cray or wanting to talk about it with a almost 3 yr old.
As for sleepovers, yeaaaaa I'm gonna say no. My kids will hate me!

LC122 · June 2014

Read "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin de Becker

You can thank me later.

GearUp · June 2014

I am glad the tricky people thing was brought up. DD knows not to talk to strangers, but a strangers suddenly becomes not a stranger if she sees the person multiple times or sees another child talking to him/her.

It is hard to bring it up and I hated telling DD that there are bad people out there that don't look bad. I felt like I was bursting a bubble, but instead of overloading her, I decided to keep it like an ongoing, rolling conversation.

Herefishy87 · June 2014

LC122 said:
Read "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin de Becker

You can thank me later.

Please tell me this isn't gonna make me 100x more paranoid....

Herefishy87 · June 2014

GearUp said:
I am glad the tricky people thing was brought up. DD knows not to talk to strangers, but a strangers suddenly becomes not a stranger if she sees the person multiple times or sees another child talking to him/her.
It is hard to bring it up and I hated telling DD that there are bad people out there that don't look bad. I felt like I was bursting a bubble, but instead of overloading her, I decided to keep it like an ongoing, rolling conversation.

Yea I feel like I'm going to rob his innocence telling him there are bad people and make him fearful or untrusting. But I guess that's better than him not knowing and trusting the wrong person.

finnybooboo · June 2014

This thread seriously sends shivers down to my bones. The thought of something like this happening to your child is just plain frightening and gut wrenching.

I'm sorry to those bumpies who had to experience this.

LC122 · June 2014

Herefishy87 said:

LC122 said:
Read "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin de Becker

You can thank me later.
Please tell me this isn't gonna make me 100x more paranoid....

If you read the link someone gave earlier in the post, I would hope you would feel like the blogger did - more prepared to handle things. There may be stories that you find uncomfortable to read but the takeaway should be you feeling more confident about how to protect your kids in practical ways that don't leave you feeling paranoid.

Jalee85 · June 2014

Sexual abuse has plagued the majority of my family in the past. I have never been more happy to not have a single family member in the state. That I live in. Unfortunately it is usually people you are close to that do these awful things. I agree it should be talked about more.

Herefishy87 · June 2014

@jgslr‌ What grades do you/have you taught and do they speak to the kids about it in school?

Herefishy87 · June 2014

Jalee85 said:
Sexual abuse has plagued the majority of my family in the past. I have never been more happy to not have a single family member in the state. That I live in. Unfortunately it is usually people you are close to that do these awful things. I agree it should be talked about more.

That's terrible. I just don't understand how people can be so awful especially to children that they are supposed to love.

Herefishy87 · June 2014

kicius56 said:
I'm happy that you are taking steps to talk about it with your child. I certainly will, as I was inappropriately touched when I was young. I never told anyone. I keep away from that person that is now a parent himself. My bff was also molested multiple times by a family member and her parents never believed her. I think DH was too but he won't discuss it. I don't want my children to experience that or if they do, to know it is not okay and to come to me about it.

I'm so sorry this happen to you and your H and BFF.
This makes me sad how many bumpies have had a terrible experience or have had someone close to them experience it. As much as I hope it NEVER happens to any of my children I hope they trust me or my husband enough to tell us about it. It's something no child should have to deal with alone.

ashleymarie512 · June 2014

To those on this board who are survivors, my heart goes out to you.

I know it's such a icky, sad topic, but it's the unfortunate truth. Don't let it jade your entire life, but keep it on the radar. The cliche is true--knowledge is power. Knowing the signs, behaviors, how to talk to children are all good ways to prevent victimization and be on alert.

DaddysHeart · June 2014

Herefishy87 said:

-Also, most of the sexual assaults on children are not strangers at all but people close to them (so keep that in mind). The coloring books are super basic and talk about people are not allowed to touch where a bathing suit covers and goes over vagina, penis, breasts ets. It is imperative to teach them the correct words. Also goes over that a doctor examining will touch there to check but ask permission and an adult will be there but other people may not.
It also goes over people the child can tell like police, teachers, adult, parents.
This is what scares me about the "new family member". I don't want to get too specific cause my sn is easy to identify me. (Oddly enough) My H who normally thinks I'm insane about being paranoid, actually agrees with me that he is a bit shady. Because it's family I can't tell everyone he's a fucking creeper don't let my kids near him so I just have to be hyper aware of where they are at all times. I've heard stories about people being abused while all their family is in the next room. I'm not sure how to handle this so I what to drive the point home to ds1 touching is not ok ever! In an age appropriate manner of course.

I'm dealing with this! Our families think that we are just super obsessed about our child, and it's not that we just don't trust a couple of family members. What makes the situation worse is that some of our more immediate family members (who we don't believe pose a threat) would like to take DD for the day but we always come up with some excuse for why they can't because we believe they may expose DD to these questionable family members.

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