Help talking to a mom of Autistic Son

Mr&MrsMTA · June 2014

I need some guidance, my SIL has a 14yr autistic son, we were at a family get together and a cousin who just recently had her baby a month ago was also attending. She was wearing her baby and when people asked to hold her baby she in a nice way said she would prefer for the baby's safety to just wear her. Everyone including myself completely understood as SIL son is very unpredictable and we have had issues with him and little children as he would pick them up and drop them or just bump into them unknowing of course but knock them over and they would get hurt. He is a lot bigger and when he gets excited he has started pushing people. So SIL asked me (34wks preg) if I had planned on wearing my baby when her son was around, I said to her well to be honest yes I do plan on it. She got so upset with me and everyone and started yelling that we dont like her son and how hurtful it is for her to hear that people dont want to be around him. Which is not what we said we are only thinking of the safety of the little kids who are afraid of him, but my question is now what do I say to her to assure her that its not that we do not want to be around her son but just want to protect ours??

Junebug060609 · June 2014

Chances are you'll wear your LO more than just when her son is around, right? It's pretty common to wear squishes when lots of people might put their paws on them (gatherings, grocery store, park, etc). I'd probably just have said that rather than specifically saying youd do it around her kid. Granted she kind of set you up by specifically asking...

The reminders that your child is different are difficult, sometimes really difficult. Chances are she was having a rough day/week and that was just the final straw.

Junebug060609 · June 2014

And as usual, Auntie nailed it

Mr&MrsMTA · June 2014

He is not high functioning, he attends a special school but prior he was in a public self contained classroom. He is non verbal and kind of in his own little world, but again he is a 14yr old big strong boy. no one would hand him a child but he has snuck and grabbed them only to drop them on the floor hence why some of us are a little fearful. He physically pushes people he has punched a teenage cousin because she would not let him play with her hair. for the most part when we are there he just runs around making noises and laughing to himself. But this is not the kind of child you could even put the baby down in a pack and play to nap. I just dont know what to do I somewhat understand her frustrations but I just want her to understand that its not that we hate or dislike him we just want to keep our kids safe.

CCinLove · June 2014

I think it's a jerk move that your cousin specified that she was wearing the baby for its "safety." There are 100 other legitimate reasons that she could have given for wearing the baby rather than specifying a reason the ostracizes the 14 year old. This is a situation where a little white lie would have gone a long way. You guys could still have had a conversation about how to keep the babies safe at a different time, and included his mom in the solution.

ToastieSimons · June 2014

I'm not trying to be snarky but it sounds like everyone stands around watching this boy and noone is trying to engage him. Or maybe making things safe for him.

It's not just about your kids (which you absolutely have a right to worry about) but it's also about him too. What about including him in part of the family. I believe you love him, but you don't know him and it doesn't sound like you're coming at this from the right angle.

Why couldn't you approach the mom and ask how to best accomodate HER son? In the world we live in typical people are accomodated. Kids with special needs are pushed aside and stared at and people make excuses for them. It sounds like family gatherings are overstimulating for him and not enjoyable.

And you don't understand her frustrations. She's hurt that her FAMILY is afraid of her child. That instead of working with her and discussing how to best manage her son around HIS FAMILY, they're just going to separate their children from him.

I think you need to apologize to the mom. That you didn't intend to hurt her feelings and would love to figure out a way to have everyone in the room happy and safe, especially her son. This is your NEPHEW. And you need to make it seem like you want to be included in his life too. Have you ever discussed with her what her life is really like? What helps him? What makes situations worse? Ways to help him remain calmer? Because it sounds like you just have family get togethers and he is the elephant in the room.

funchicken · June 2014

Mr&MrsMTA said:

He is not high functioning, he attends a special school but prior he was in a public self contained classroom. He is non verbal and kind of in his own little world, but again he is a 14yr old big strong boy. no one would hand him a child but he has snuck and grabbed them only to drop them on the floor hence why some of us are a little fearful. He physically pushes people he has punched a teenage cousin because she would not let him play with her hair. for the most part when we are there he just runs around making noises and laughing to himself. But this is not the kind of child you could even put the baby down in a pack and play to nap. I just dont know what to do I somewhat understand her frustrations but I just want her to understand that its not that we hate or dislike him we just want to keep our kids safe.

Auntie's advice is excellent, and I agree with @CCinLove. I think you need to gain a better understanding of ASD and find a way to explain it to the other children in the family that doesn't sound so ostracizing.

And I would try to exercise some diplomacy here. I have a three month old, and I don't leave her unsupervised around other children no matter how well-behaved. No need to single your nephew out especially in front of his mom. If you're just seeing them for a few hours at family gatherings it doesn't seem like it would be too difficult to have an adult supervise when the kids are playing together. My DH, BIL, SIL and I often take turns watching the LOs at family functions.

I feel like maybe if you want to open a dialogue with her you should apologize and ask for book recs or resources to help you understand him better. I can't imagine what this mom goes through every day--it sounds really hard.

Mr&MrsMTA · June 2014

I agree with the previous post there are other family issues regarding him. This is a very large family 16+ kids alone just in small gatherings and yes this is very over stimulating for him but he is always included just for the shear fact that we usually only have parties at MIL or SIL house because he is afraid of everyone else's dogs. And yes he is the elephant in the room but not by our choice his mom does not feel we can handle him so we dont and when he was younger we all tried to help but we were told otherwise. I can say that even if I was not pregnant I would not be able to stop him from doing anything I have no clue how to handle him when he has tantrums or how to even engage him because to be frank he's not really there if you know what I mean. the only thing we were asked to do when he was younger was to babysit him which none of us did because we dont know how. To be honest we all gave up. I am not going to bash the mom on here on how she chooses to raise him or lack there of because that is none of my business that is her child. I just dont want her to feel that we dislike him we just collectively choose not to get involved because we are told to in a way.

I also do not feel like I owe her an apology for being honest even though it was hurtful to her. If someone said me your daughter is being loud and rude when she is I do not feel this person owes me an apology I would try to correct my daughters behavior.

Junebug060609 · June 2014

It's a tall order for her to correct her son's behavior. Most likely she has been trying for years. Just wanted to put that out there.

I really like the suggestion of talking to her and finding ways to make gatherings work better for him. Making the situation more tolerable for him might in turn make things safer for the little kids.

typeset · June 2014

Mr&MrsMTA said:

I have no clue how to handle him when he has tantrums or how to even engage him because to be frank he's not really there if you know what I mean.

What do you mean?

oandmplus1 · June 2014

I don't know the whole story, I don't know what type of mom she is, but to me it's irrelevant. Being of a mom of a kid with special needs is very lonely at times. It is a very scary thing to leave your child with such special needs with someone. It always gives me anxiety, will they understand how to calm her, and what her needs are, etc.?

The fact that she asked for help with babysitting when he was little and you said no because you didn't know how seems like a terrible excuse. If you spent more time with them, in a setting more comfortable to him, you would learn how. My parents live half way across the country but know my daughter better than anyone else close by because no one else takes the time, and they do.

Never presume that he is not mentally there just because he does not communicate in a way you understand. He is a person, with feelings and deserves to be treated that way.

Mr&MrsMTA · June 2014

What I meant by him not really being there, is that he is completely non verbal other then making noises. He makes no eye contact my best way to describe him is like a deaf, blind, mute. Its almost like you share a space, but he has no clue you are even there. You cant interact with him its like trying to speak English to someone who only speak Chinese you cant even get him to pay attention for 1 second.

As far as babysitting and saying no because I dont know how to watch him is not an excuse. He is very physical even when he was little and he is also a runner he has escaped from the house numerous times. He like to go into the basement and disconnect the sub pump for whatever reason he bashes holes in the wall and takes knives out of the draw to cut open the walls. So no I do not feel like I can handle him so I am not going to watch him and I do not feel like it is an excuse. I wish I did have more time to get to know him but I do have 2 other children of my own and a full time job its not that easy to make a commitment of time to spend with him.

I dont know now I feel like this is a rambling conversation I just wanted some help in soothing this over so she wasn't hurt but knew that yes your son is very unpredictable and I need to make sure my kids are safe and feel safe while visiting family.

august06mom · June 2014

You have gotten advice on what you could say. It doesn't appear it's what you wanted to hear.

EmAre · June 2014

He is absolutely there. You just don't know how to relate to him. Instead of you trying to force him to learn English, why don't YOU take it upon yourself to learn Chinese - to continue your own analogy. You keep wanting him and his mom to conform to the rest of your family and the typical world, but you aren't willing to step into his world to gain his trust and understand what is behind his behaviors. He is incapable of what you are asking of him.

You received some pretty amazing advice that could help your entire family get through these uncomfortable situations. And keep in mind, they are not fun for your nephew or sister either. Please read up on ASD. Open your eyes to his world. You may just be amazed at what he can teach you.

Also, I would be pretty hurt if my family told me they were "too busy" to get to know my child. Wouldn't you be if the roles were reversed?

CCinLove · June 2014

Mr&MrsMTA said:

What I meant by him not really being there, is that he is completely non verbal other then making noises. He makes no eye contact my best way to describe him is like a deaf, blind, mute. Its almost like you share a space, but he has no clue you are even there. You cant interact with him its like trying to speak English to someone who only speak Chinese you cant even get him to pay attention for 1 second.
As far as babysitting and saying no because I dont know how to watch him is not an excuse. He is very physical even when he was little and he is also a runner he has escaped from the house numerous times. He like to go into the basement and disconnect the sub pump for whatever reason he bashes holes in the wall and takes knives out of the draw to cut open the walls. So no I do not feel like I can handle him so I am not going to watch him and I do not feel like it is an excuse. I wish I did have more time to get to know him but I do have 2 other children of my own and a full time job its not that easy to make a commitment of time to spend with him.

I dont know now I feel like this is a rambling conversation I just wanted some help in soothing this over so she wasn't hurt but knew that yes your son is very unpredictable and I need to make sure my kids are safe and feel safe while visiting family.

While it isn't perfect, you should check out the documentary "A Mother's Courage" on Netflix. There are many non verbal people with autism that are indeed "in there." You just can't communicate with them using the same methods you're used to. It sounds like the whole family could benefit from learning more about autism in general, and how best to interact with this child in particular.

I know that it's hard to convey tone in writing sometimes, but I'm not sensing much empathy for your SIL or nephew. Your question asks how can you help her understand why your actions are justified, rather than what you can do to help either of them. I think it's also telling that you referred to the 14 year old as your SIL's child rather than your nephew. Is this child not related to you? Heaven forbid your unborn child be diagnosed with a developmental disability. How would you want family to treat you? Does anyone ever supervise nephew around younger children since he's aggressive rather than just grabbing their children and keeping them away from him? I think at a minimum, you owe it to the child to talk to his parents about what ALL of you can do so that family events can be better for all of the kids.

d.f · June 2014

You really came to a special needs message board asking for justification for not getting to know your nephew, using language that dehumanizes him, blaming your SIL for having her feelings hurt.

To be honest if his behavior is that unpredictable I don't blame you for wearing the itty bitties and closely supervising the littles. However, to not have the empathy to understand why your SIL's feelings would be hurt is a jerk move. To sit in judgement of your SIL but not take the effort to even learn anything about ASD or get to know your nephew...wow. I'm happy you're not my SIL.

lvisser · June 2014

Mr&MrsMTA said:

I also do not feel like I owe her an apology for being honest even though it was hurtful to her. If someone said me your daughter is being loud and rude when she is I do not feel this person owes me an apology I would try to correct my daughters behavior.

So many thoughts. But just "wow". .... Cause it's so easy to "correct" my autistic child. STFU

Unknown · June 2014

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Princess_Lily · June 2014

Here is some English you can understand...

You're a twatwaffle. You and your family are asshats and the best thing your SIL can do is run far from you and your trashy spawn you call family...

You are not "family"..You are not typical. You all lack simple kindness and empathy...you call your nephew the elephant in the room??? WTF household did you grow up in where this is normal?

Justinlove · June 2014

This just makes me so sad for this boy. With family like this...I just won't go there. I do thank you OP for making me incredibly grateful for my supportive and caring family. Just imagine that this is your child...which it very well could be. Still think you have a supportive family?

hopecounts · June 2014

This post makes me extremely grateful for the love and acceptance our families and friends show DD.

OP- Bless your heart you need to revisit your empathy training.
there was absolutely no reason to specify that you will baby wear to protect your baby from your nephew. All you needed to say was "I am looking forward to baby wearing so I'm sure I'll do it a lot. I've heard so many good things about it."

Being 'honest' is not an excuse for being mean and rude. You could've been honest that you plan to baby wear without making it about your nephew but rather it's just one of many parenting choices you plan to make.

I feel so badly for your nephew and SIL. Your nephew IS in there and no one in his extended family is willing to make the effort to try and connect with him on his terms.

Mr&MrsMTA · June 2014

Ok I think this is going in the wrong direction.

1. this is my 3rd child not my first and it is a girl.

2. we as a family have all tried to learn and get to know him, we are told otherwise by his mom (his dad is only around to babysit him 1 wkend a month)

3. I say my SIL son, because this is a SIL by marriage, and in our fam that is how we refer to it.

4. I have empathy however, he is not parented by a typical parent of a child with special needs (child services has been called on SIL a few times).

5. He is violent and the behaviors are never corrected, I DO understand that it is difficult to teach an autistic child, but to allow him to just do whatever he wants to anyone is not right either.

6. I do not feel I owe her an apology, I have seen this child physically hurt more then 1 person and his mother does absolutely nothing. So pointing out to her that I feel the need to protect my child, I would hope push her to understand that her child needs help and that you cannot just allow him to hurt people and do nothing about it. I am sorry that as a family when we see nothing being done we choose to protect our children I really do not see what is hard to understand about that.

CCinLove · June 2014

Who is SIL married to? Is she or is she not married to either your sibling or your husband's sibling? If she is, he is your NEPHEW. Why is he not your brother's son, or your husband's brother's son?

You do not have empathy.

Based on your last response, I guess you're done here. There is nothing to say to SIL that will make her understand that you're not an a$$hole. You have a bunch of people here telling you why she is upset and entitled to an apology, but you're determined that she's wrong an you're right. Why isn't there one word in any of your post about what this child's father is or isn't doing? Why is his behavior all SILs problem?

hopecounts · June 2014

Mr&MrsMTA said:

Ok I think this is going in the wrong direction.
1. this is my 3rd child not my first and it is a girl.
2. we as a family have all tried to learn and get to know him, we are told otherwise by his mom (his dad is only around to babysit him 1 wkend a month)
3. I say my SIL son, because this is a SIL by marriage, and in our fam that is how we refer to it.
4. I have empathy however, he is not parented by a typical parent of a child with special needs (child services has been called on SIL a few times).
5. He is violent and the behaviors are never corrected, I DO understand that it is difficult to teach an autistic child, but to allow him to just do whatever he wants to anyone is not right either.
6. I do not feel I owe her an apology, I have seen this child physically hurt more then 1 person and his mother does absolutely nothing. So pointing out to her that I feel the need to protect my child, I would hope push her to understand that her child needs help and that you cannot just allow him to hurt people and do nothing about it. I am sorry that as a family when we see nothing being done we choose to protect our children I really do not see what is hard to understand about that.

This actually makes it worse.

Clearly SIL is struggling and instead of being understanding and supportive and trying to help her and nephew/her son y'all are ostracizing them.

I can not imagine the absolutely exhaustion and work that would be parenting a severe SN's child on my own with 1 weekend of respite a month.

No wonder she doesn't correct him she is probably so worn down at this point that she just can't do it anymore.

And what's wrong with what you said is it was the least empathetic, kind, loving way to handle her question and the situation.

If you are truly concerned do some reading and research and offer to actually help by staying with him so she can just breath for an hour, get info on therapies (ABA for example could help address some of his behavioral issues but is crazy expensive) and offer to help her figure out how to pay for them because they are insanely expensive.

You took a cheap shot at her and her son and you should be an adult and own it and apologize.

bumpuser511563 · June 2014

Just because someone calls CPS does not mean your SIL is a bad parent. She probably got called on because someone thought she was a bad parent or they don't know anything on autism. Believe me, my MIL tried to threaten CPS with me twice, first time I let it go. Second time, showed her the door out of our lives forever. I am a good mom!

How do you know your SIL is not doing anything at home, school, etc.? She probably doesn't share that with any of you because she is being judged and can't trust you all for support.

d.f · June 2014

Mr&MrsMTA said:

Ok I think this is going in the wrong direction.
1. this is my 3rd child not my first and it is a girl.
2. we as a family have all tried to learn and get to know him, we are told otherwise by his mom (his dad is only around to babysit him 1 wkend a month)
3. I say my SIL son, because this is a SIL by marriage, and in our fam that is how we refer to it.
4. I have empathy however, he is not parented by a typical parent of a child with special needs (child services has been called on SIL a few times).
5. He is violent and the behaviors are never corrected, I DO understand that it is difficult to teach an autistic child, but to allow him to just do whatever he wants to anyone is not right either.
6. I do not feel I owe her an apology, I have seen this child physically hurt more then 1 person and his mother does absolutely nothing. So pointing out to her that I feel the need to protect my child, I would hope push her to understand that her child needs help and that you cannot just allow him to hurt people and do nothing about it. I am sorry that as a family when we see nothing being done we choose to protect our children I really do not see what is hard to understand about that.

1) While statistically less likely there is an increase risk factor for ASD or other LDs.

2) what do you mean "told otherwise". Asking you to baby sit and going to family events indicates she wants your involvement. If you mean she's parenting as she feels is appropriate and not falling all over herself to parent him the way you think she should.....

3) That's still an odd reference I call my husband's sister's kids nieces and nephews, even those with no biological connection to him (step SILs' kids). Even the teenager who currently can't be around my son because of some major mental health issues is still my niece. I do have a little insight into this. We don't feel that it is physically or emotionally safe for him right now to be around her and have drawn some boundaries with the help of our therapists. The difference is when I talk to my SIL I make sure she knows her DD is still loved and I try to talk about the positives too. I also support her in other ways (watching her younger DD, attending school/therapy meetings with her, sitting in the ER, lending her my ear, treating her with respect, not second questing her-not even when I might not fully agree, leaving her past mistakes out of the convo and a hundred other ways.). When the hard topics come up I expect her to be hurt and even mad. Not at us but at the situation and if every once in a while it's directed toward us I understand that she's under more stress than I can imagine. I make sure she knows we love her and both her DD's. I'm not always perfect, sometimes it's hard but I really do love her and her girls so I make an effort.

4) without knowing specifics there are a lot of reasons CPS get involved. To me I would think you would want to be more involved, not less.

5) You don't get it. You just don't.

6) Why do you even have a relationship with her at all? You obviously dislike her, her child, and the inconvenience she brings. You have no respect for her and clearly you can't empathize with her situation at all. If you are speaking for your family I have no idea why she hasn't cut you all off. I've limited my interactions with certain family members for short and long periods of time over much less.

ToastieSimons · June 2014

Mr&MrsMTA said:

Ok I think this is going in the wrong direction.
1. this is my 3rd child not my first and it is a girl.
2. we as a family have all tried to learn and get to know him, we are told otherwise by his mom (his dad is only around to babysit him 1 wkend a month)
3. I say my SIL son, because this is a SIL by marriage, and in our fam that is how we refer to it.
4. I have empathy however, he is not parented by a typical parent of a child with special needs (child services has been called on SIL a few times).
5. He is violent and the behaviors are never corrected, I DO understand that it is difficult to teach an autistic child, but to allow him to just do whatever he wants to anyone is not right either.
6. I do not feel I owe her an apology, I have seen this child physically hurt more then 1 person and his mother does absolutely nothing. So pointing out to her that I feel the need to protect my child, I would hope push her to understand that her child needs help and that you cannot just allow him to hurt people and do nothing about it. I am sorry that as a family when we see nothing being done we choose to protect our children I really do not see what is hard to understand about that.

What is a typical parent of special needs?

And as to #6 YOU watched him hurt someone and did absolutely nothing. So obviously he is 100% your SIL's problem and you've washed your hands of him. Nice.

I'm sorry that you don't feel that hurting someones feelings isn't apology worthy. I never brought apologizing for saying you want to protect your children. I said to apologize for HURTING her, for the way you said it.

And you don't have empathy. Instead of BLAMING her for his problems, perhaps you should place youself in her shoes and think of how tiring, exhausting and difficult her life is. It's not just about calling insurance, or driving him to and from therapy. It's about giving up your dreams for your child, for your future, for you what you thought you were going to have. It's about dealing with all the issues 24/7. You don't get to turn them off when you need a break. You don't get to choose to have a bad day, to spend a day in your pajamas watching movies in bed when you're beat. You don't get to call out sick. Also, he's 14. She's now in the process (in my state at least) of discussing what happens when he turns 18. She's now dealing with the reality that her son will not be living independently. He will not be going away to college. And without a supportive father she's not going to be getting a break any time soon. no empty nest, no college packing.

And you DON'T understand how difficult it is to teach A CHILD WITH AUTISM. It's like groundhog day. It doesn't matter how many times you say No, or be gentle, or use time outs or good behaviour charts, or positive parenting. It doesn't change anything because of lot of time impulsivity rules out any type of logical thinking.

And I still have no idea why you would refer to him as your SIL's son???? Is it not your brother's son? If my biological sibling is ANY part a child's parent the s/he would be my niece or nephew.\

And I would like to think that if a SIL had a child of her own prior to marriage that I would treat him no differently than any other nieces or nephews I have that are blood related.

And I still think it's wrong to protect your children AND TO TELL HER at the expense of her feelings and her feelings about her son. Nobody has said you don't have a right to protect your children you just didn't like the advice you got along with it.

lvisser · June 2014

This thread just pisses me off.

kcisthebombdotcom · June 2014

I can't word anything better than auntie already has here, but I really just wanted to come in and use a bump cliche that i actually feel sorry for your children. You suck, op.

lvisser · June 2014

I bet it's son from a previous marriage.

And... Just wow. You, my dear, have NO IDEA what it's like. What it's like to have people stare you down and judge you because your kid is having a meltdown. Once we get there we just have to ride it out. The looks are terrible cause they just get you, right in the heart. My poor sweet overstimmed boy is melting down, and you're staring? That'll help. And that's just an hour of my day. One.hour.

So... You take your - "btw this is my third and it's a girl, sooo" and get the eff off this board.

Mr&MrsMTA · June 2014

His dad is around only once a month because he is a drunk

SIL is usually too high on pain meds to parent

This is not my brothers child and why does this even matter whos child it is, I find it strange that you would focus on that??

This child has not been in any kind of therapy ever, because SIL has been convinced that he will snap out of it one day...well he is 14 and has not snapped out of anything.

We as a family have all offered, tried, listened,became a shoulder to cry on when needed BUT when you are told he does not need help he will snap out of it, what more can you do we cannot force her to realize he needs help.

And no I do not know what her daily struggles are like BUT it is struggling to watch someone who does nothing to help him. she lives with another family member who also gives us updates thats how we stay in touch because we are told not to help him.

So this is exactly what I did not want to say on here, but it seems like the focus was on other things. This is a parent that needs to realize that her son needs help you cannot always sugar coat things when that clearly has not worked in the past.

d.f · June 2014

I'm going to go ahead and call BS.

Reading you last response I started off thinking maybe the mom doesn't have the emotional bandwidth to deal but two wrongs don't make a right (ie your unkindness, to put it mildly, being one of the wrongs. Then I remembered you said he has been in a self contained classroom and is now in a private placement. What do you think they do there, babysit? No he's at least getting therapy and services at school. If she truly had her head in the sand he wouldn't be getting that level of services at school.

"And no I do not know what her daily struggles are like BUT it is struggling to watch someone who does nothing to help him." Are you effing kidding me. Really. Really. This is ALL ABOUT YOU. Your struggles watching from a far. Refusing to get to know your nephew because it's hard, it' was an inconvenience to learn how to keep him safe as a child. It's an inconvenience for you to view him as a real live human being today because he's "not there" (ie not able to interact in ways you find easy and convenient). My you have struggled mightily, much harder than your SIL.

"she lives with another family member who also gives us updates thats how we stay in touch because we are told not to help him." This family member sucks too

EmAre · June 2014

Well said @d.f

OP: you don't get it. You really don't. Do yourself a favor and completely exit out of this family's life. Quite frankly, they don't need your judgement and criticism in their lives. The next time there is a family function, don't go. I don't really see how you're able to visit with anyone anyway, way up on that high horse and all.

Princess_Lily · June 2014

DHs sister (my SIL) has a son from a relationship when she was younger. The father has never been in this sons life. Her son (the child who has no blood relation to me) is MY NEPHEW. The child in your story is your nephew.

Who does your SIL live with? Your brother or sister, and are they in a relationship? Yes...married? Yes? Than the boy is your nephew. Gosh, whoever she lives with is an asshat too!

Unknown · June 2014

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typeset · June 2014

But guys. Guys!

I agree with McRib on something.

This is huge.

Mr&MrsMTA · June 2014

So let me get this straight....

You all feel strongly that I owe her an apology for being honest...correct. Because none of you have ever been told something truthful maybe even brutally honest before. You all live in a world of candy and sunshine right?

Some of you have even said that a little white lie is what I should have said instead of tell her how I feel and maybe having the opportunity to discuss why I am concerned. But no I should have made up some sugar coated BS to make her feel better about herself.

It seems to me that mothers of special needs kids feel they are they only ones in life struggling with life issues and that everyone should just bend over to accommodate you and your child's needs yes because you are the only ones out there in the world that has it rough in life.

Also it seems that because you all are the only ones out there roughing it, we should all just lie straight to your face so that you can continue to believe everything is grand, right. this is what I am hearing.

The fact that you choose to focus on how I address him is odd, why do you care what does it have of any concern with the direct question I asked. Nothing

Why do you care who she is married to or how she is even related, this again had nothing to do with the question I asked.

In my last post, I was not BSing is it really hard to actually believe that some parents just cannot handle/parent a special needs child. Just because you gave birth to a special needs child does not automatically mentally prepared or make you able to deal with all that comes with parenting one.

Why do you even give a crap what family member she lives with, what does that have anything to do with the question I asked, again your focusing on unnecessary information.

august06mom · June 2014

Go away

funchicken · June 2014

OP, I'm honestly curious about what sort of advice you were hoping/expecting to get. I assure you no one is looking for people to bend over backwards but consideration and compassion are always appreciated, especially from family.

Justinlove · June 2014

Mr&MrsMTA said:

So let me get this straight....

You all feel strongly that I owe her an apology for being honest...correct. Because none of you have ever been told something truthful maybe even brutally honest before. You all live in a world of candy and sunshine right?

No one said that. You said something to her that was hurtful and YOU KNEW IT, but you think it is better to be honest. Ok--so we are being honest with you. You are heartless and without compassion for a member of your family. How's that for candy and sunshine?

Some of you have even said that a little white lie is what I should have said instead of tell her how I feel and maybe having the opportunity to discuss why I am concerned. But no I should have made up some sugar coated BS to make her feel better about herself.

You don't have to lie. Just say "Yes, I plan on babywearing." Is it that hard? So I guess in your world, when someone makes you a meal that you don't particularly love, you are COMPLETELY honest with them and tell them how you really feel? Really? I should hope not because that is not what COMPASSIONATE people do.

It seems to me that mothers of special needs kids feel they are they only ones in life struggling with life issues and that everyone should just bend over to accommodate you and your child's needs yes because you are the only ones out there in the world that has it rough in life.

BS--that is YOU who thinks that we have put ourselves on a pedestal. No one here said you need to bend over backwards. We said to have COMPASSION, which you clearly are lacking.

Also it seems that because you all are the only ones out there roughing it, we should all just lie straight to your face so that you can continue to believe everything is grand, right. this is what I am hearing.

Again--BS

The fact that you choose to focus on how I address him is odd, why do you care what does it have of any concern with the direct question I asked. Nothing

It has everything to do with the situation and how you view him. He is not "one of you" and your wording makes that VERY clear.

Why do you care who she is married to or how she is even related, this again had nothing to do with the question I asked.

In my last post, I was not BSing is it really hard to actually believe that some parents just cannot handle/parent a special needs child. Just because you gave birth to a special needs child does not automatically mentally prepared or make you able to deal with all that comes with parenting one.

Why do you even give a crap what family member she lives with, what does that have anything to do with the question I asked, again your focusing on unnecessary information.

It is clear that at this point, no one from this board is going to provide you the justification you wanted to treat your SIL's child the way you do (He's too good to be called your nephew and you aren't worthy of being called his Aunt). Please stop and go back to your regular board.

Dang...my regulars know I never get fired up--congrats on temporarily getting under my skin. But, since you aren't worth it, I'm over it!

typeset · June 2014

Mr&MrsMTA said:
It seems to me that mothers of special needs kids feel they are they only ones in life struggling with life issues and that everyone should just bend over to accommodate you and your child's needs yes because you are the only ones out there in the world that has it rough in life.

Also it seems that because you all are the only ones out there roughing it, we should all just lie straight to your face so that you can continue to believe everything is grand, right. this is what I am hearing.

You should go.

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