Advice Needed (Children and BFP mentioned NOT mine)

AnnaClaire256 · June 2014

I apologize in advance for this novel...I know you ladies will understand my feelings.

So I have this friend (she actually used to be my boss) who moved several states away about a year ago. Her husband got a job where he is deployed out of the country for several months at time so she's there, in a new place, alone with her 11 year old son.

Since she's been gone, she has changed so much. She's become incredibly self obsessed, pretentious and know-it-ally. DH can't stand her and he likes everyone...literally. She recently came up to visit and stayed at our house. The entire time she was here I was biting my tongue. She knows we are having trouble getting pregnant and so she kept giving me advice like, "when I wanted to get pregnant I took such and such vitamin" and "maybe you try taking yoga" "I think you're relying too heavily on medicines...you need to just relax."

Okay, lady, just because you have a kid you're not the expert on how to get KU! She never misses an opportunity to one up me...constantly comparing the square footage of our houses or the year model of our cars.

So...I decided when she left I was going to start distancing myself from her. She was toxic. Then, not two days after she leaves my house, I get a text...

"There's really no easy way to throw this at you, but it looks like I'm preggers. I took a second home test today and it's positive. It just happened so quickly and I have to admit that now that I am, I'm scared. I feel too old for this. I'm gonna send you as many preggers vibes as I can. I don't want to be the only one going through this."
(AND a picture of two pee-sticks)

WTF?!?!? "Going through this" pissed me off more than words can say...does she want sympathy from me??? "Preggers vibes"???? Is she serious?? She has seen her husband a total of 20 days since OCTOBER and bam the minute he gets home...there you go!

I'm not shocked by her text...it seems like par for the course with her. But part of me thinks she is getting enjoyment out of getting something so easily that I just can't. I want to walk away from this "friendship" but now I'm afraid I'll just look bitter and jealous.

Am I a total bitch for not being all rainbows and sunshine about this? How can I distance myself without looking like a jealous hag?

Edit: had to add she sent the insensitive pee stick picture

Pintobean39 · June 2014

I have a kind of similar situation with an ex friend except she wasn't much of a friend to me before she got preg. She had been a bitch to me in the last year through all my troubles. Her husband is also gone for months at a time and he came home for 2 weeks and she was on birth control and got preg.

My best advise is you have to look out for yourself through this process and from the way she sounds her whole pregnancy is going to be a production. Since she doesn't live close you can just slowly "grow apart". That happens sometimes when people move away. You are not being a bitch feeling that way. Actually she was kind of a bitch telling you like that especially knowing your troubles. I can understand people not going through this don't understand as much but it doesn't take a genius to know that's not what you say

DharmaChick · June 2014

Blech. I would find the "I don't want to be the only one going through this" comment to be the worst, too. How self-centered and insensitive. At best, she is oblivious, but you don't need comments like that when you are going through this process.

I agree with the idea of just letting the friendship fizzle out, since you have the advantage of some distance between you.

siempre595 · June 2014

I have a work friend who drops statements like that. How she "can't stand her crying kids…you want that??" Sometimes she says things that I can only describe as "fertility bragging." example: "Thank God we only had to try once for our third baby, my husband was really tired!"

I am convinced that people who have never worried about their ability to have children just cannot relate. they say moronic insensitive things.

distance yourself. don't answer her texts for awhile. she will get the picture. if she's actually a friend she'll stop making comments like this. if not, she'll disappear.

theholmanherd · June 2014

Here's my insight, based on similar people I've met. All that square footage and year model crap is a rouse. She is lonely without her husband and being in a new city. She's competing with you to make herself feel better. If I were you, I would either confront her and tell her how you feel (if you want to salvage the friendship), or let her go. It sounds like you already know what you want to do, though, and you should go with your gut on this.

I would distance myself by responding in shorter and shorter responses that take longer and longer to send to her. For instance, if she sends you a text in the middle of the day, respond that evening or the next day with "Yeah, that's good." Or "oh, congrats!". And leave it at that. Don't respond with any news or topics of your own. Eventually, if you don't reciprocate with any conversation on your part, she will stop talking to you altogether.

Good luck! I hope it works out soon.

jencity9 · June 2014

I'm sorry, she sounds like a bitch. It sounds like it makes her feel better to say things to you to compare like with the square footage thing, etc. It's not cool for her to treat her pregnancy like something she has to go through when you are dealing with IF. I say whether you decide to be honest and confront her or not that it is probably best for your sanity to distance yourself from her.

mrskovarik · June 2014

Eew, she sounds like my SIL. I'm going through a similar thing with her, I'd love to just drop her out of my life but since she's my SIL....it's kinda hard. I'm lucky that she lives across the country and I only see her a couple times a year so at least I can cut her out for the most part. People can be so insensitive!! Sorry you have to go through this. I'd either confront her about how hurtful she's being, or slowly stop talking to her to avoid gi inning her the idea that your jelous like you said

AnnaClaire256 · June 2014

Oh goodness, y'all are awesome. Thank you for your sweet responses! Makes me feel like less of a jerk.

@theholmanherd‌ our mutual friends have said the same thing you did...she's unhappy, lonely and her relationship with her husband is strained. They all think this pregnancy is her grasping for straws and begging for attention. She's 41, her husband (an epic tool) is 49. He did NOT want another child. Although she says he's excited now. I guess it just blindsided me a little. She's the last person I expected to come at me with a BFP.

rubysi · June 2014

Cut the cord and walk away. Your time is too precious to waste on such nonsense. I am sorry you had to put up with this but it sounds like the friendship has run its course.

BunnyBerry · June 2014

I don't think it's possible for you to look anything like a jealous hag in relation to that woman.

Love PP's idea to fizzle out texts. Sounds like you know you don't want her to use your vulnerability as someone experiencing IF to prop up her emotional problems. Good luck.

rella22 · June 2014

I am in the process of "fizzling" out a friend for a similar reason. She knows I have been struggling to get pregnant and rubs her pregnancy in at every chance. At first I thought it was just through excitement but I slowly figured out it was more to make me jealous. She will get the picture and her being states away is lucky for you!

AnnaClaire256 · June 2014

Thanks again for taking the time to share your kind words and your similar experiences! I know y'all are right...it's time to push away and using the distance to my advantage is great. I think if I back off slowly it will avoid giving her the satisfaction of knowing she got to me.

I swear...if I do end up pregnant she better not try and say her "preggers vibes" had anything to do with it. Lol
No ma'am...it would be thanks to the science and medicine you were poo pooing!

AnnaClaire256 · June 2014

@viola27‌ I thought the same thing! She literally texted me within an hour of POAS! Couldn't she have waited for at LEAST her first drs appointment? Nope...she just couldn't wait to tell me. And she honest to god captioned the picture of her pee sticks "in case you think you're being punk'd"

I said, "umm, no...I believe you. Surely you wouldn't play that kind of 'joke' on me...that would just be cruel"

She said that everyone else she had told (so at least it wasn't just me) had responded with "seriously??"

masterofallcheese · June 2014

This journey is hard enough without people bringing us down. She is either too self-absorbed or idiotic to notice she messes with your feelings, so I say get rid of her and don't worry about the nice way to break up. Or, if you do let the friendship fizzle do it for you so you have no regrets.

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