Frustrated: My plan to deliver naturally being met with complete skepticism

Babycakes77777777 · June 2014

Please watch the business of being born it's Awsome after watching that i didn't care about others opinions and felt comforted in my decision

Laceyd2014 · June 2014

I had my DD as naturally as possible ( had to have pitching and they broke my water ( but with 0 pain meds. My family wasn't ad supportive as I'd hoped they'd be and it was hard. Every time I had a contraction I was met with do you need an epidural yet superwoman? That hurt my feelings a lot butat the end of my delivery eeveryone was shocked that I delivered an 8 1/2 lb baby girl and was immediately up and walking and felt great. The point I'm getting at is if you. Want to have a natural birth no matter what anyone else says go for it. Sometimes we have to just block out the negativity of others and tell them look this is my body, my child, and my experience be happy for me no matter what I chose to do. As long as I'm not putting me or the baby at risk it shouldn't be such a big deal to you if I have pain medicine or not. Best of luck!

BayCamp · July 2014

Just discovered this board today, 20 weeks pregnant and FTM. We're planning on a birth center birth. Even prior to TTC I knew I wanted unmedicated and out of hospital. I actually DO tell people when they ask. I feel like the more people are aware it's an option it lessens the stigma. I've had a lot of positive and negative feedback, but I came armed with facts and I've found in the face of statistics (especially those of local hospitals) they really can't say much.

MsMacual · July 2014

I tell people who ask and I'm not ashamed to say that we had our first unmedicated and plan for #2 to be born in the same way. I have friends who have had babies with planned c-sections or chose to have an epi. I always celebrate with them that they chose the birth that made the most sense for them and hope that they return the same sentiment. Yes, I've gotten the "are you crazy" response and looks, but it's not their body! In the end, we all had cute, cuddly babies.

Both of our kids will be born in a hospital with a midwife attending so that probably helps make it seem a little more "normal" to people who think that I'm nuts. For me the decision wasn't ever much of a discussion- I've always known that I would have my kids without drugs and as few medical interventions as possible. My mom had her kids this way so it was pretty normal in my family. I felt that choosing a care provider who was supportive of my wishes was super important (hence a midwife) and I've tried to educate and prepare myself as much as possible. The rest really is being stubborn enough not to give up during the hard moments!

leela02 · July 2014

I think people's reactions say more about them than you. When people react like that to something that is such a personal choice, it makes me think it has nothing to do with me, but for whatever reason they just feel insecure about their own opinions or knowledge on the matter. I don't talk about my birth preferences unless asked.

It just makes a lot of sense that if you are able to deal with the pain & don't have complications, then you don't need the risks of using pain meds.

1isaad · August 2014

Totally agree that people's reactions are about their own insecurities. I was vegetarian for years, and secure people didn't have strong opinions about it, but insecure people had so much beef with what I was eating. I think they assume that if you're doing something different, you're implicitly saying their way is wrong for them. They don't get that your choice is specifically for you, having nothing to do with them. And a lot of people are just so uncomfortable doing their own thing or don't even know what that might be. Those people want to follow the mainstream and distrust deviations from the status quo bc it challenges their simplified view that there's only one right answer. Ugh, I don't care what people choose to eat or how they choose to have babies, but I deeply distrust people who blindly follow without questioning.

Anyway, my mom and grandmother both gave birth to breech babies naturally. I'm not saying that was a good risk to take (they weren't given the choice), but it's possible. And you probably can't count on it 100%, but no one else can say what will happen, either, and they have no business being unsupportive. That's so lame! They don't know how strong you are!

jennypolkadots · August 2014

First post, so hi ya'll!

I am 13 weeks with our first and have known for years that I want to do a natural birth. It's not for everyone, but we all choose different paths in life. Imagine my family's recent reaction when we casually shared we are looking into midwives, birth centers, and home births... some crazy looks! When someone says something negative just say "It is our decision." and do not allow people to talk to you about bad birth stories. You need to remain positive and trust your body. Your body is made to birth your baby, you need to truly believe that and forget about other people. Most of the birth stories I have heard start with "if I hadn't been in a hospital my baby wouldn't be here" and are actually just tales of hospital interventions cascading into a c-section. Just be informed and make sure your birth team is totally on board with your wishes. There is no way to know what will happen but the likelihood is you will have a healthy pregnancy ending in a healthy baby who can be born naturally if that is what you want!

jwatts87 · August 2014

I didn't tell anyone unless they asked, which turned out to be just about everyone. As PP said, I did receive a lot of skepticism and downright condescending comments like "Haha! Well, good luck if you have back labor!" or "That's just crazy, I would never do that."

See, most people assumed my decision for doing so was to prove something. As if I just wanted to show everyone how "tough" I am and be able to brag about it. Very few people actually asked me WHY I was doing it, and if they did I would explain that there are a lot of concerning potential side effects to the various medications and interventions that for me personally, I would rather suffer through a few hours of pain than risk (however small that risk might be) doing more serious and or/permanent damage to my baby or myself. If there was a completely risk free pain medication, you BET I would sign up for that in a second. I have zero qualms with modern medicine, and if I were going in for surgery the benefits of the pain medication absolutely outweigh the risks for me. I just simply felt as though the pain from labor and childbirth was something manageable and therefore not worth the risk.

Since having my baby, the first question everyone asks me is "So did you go natural?" and many times with a smirk. When I tell them that I did, they still tell me I'm crazy. I'm very happy with my decision because I feel like I did what I thought was best for my baby. I just wish people would give me the opportunity to explain my choice rather than assuming it is something selfish.

shellybean3788 · August 2014

It's not the "norm," and therefore, it must be judged.

Your birth is your business, and your husband's, and no one else's. It is YOUR responsibility to make sure you have the birth that makes you feel empowered.

xc1148 · August 2014

I would just say you appreciate the concern and move on. Or say "yea, I already heard that"...people have a need to have their opinions validated so if you don't react they will just move on. You could also tell a story about a horrible epidural...I'm sure there is one you could make up or research on the internet.

With strangers, I would totally go b****h mode and say "sorry your wife was weak, but I'm good" but I have that tendency $:\$ ">

jennypolkadots · August 2014

I just don't understand why people care. How is you being in pain going to hurt any of them?

I have read and read and researched, watched all the birth movies I can find, but have not witnessed many births. Last night was my first time as an adult seeing a birth unfold. It was a very typical hospital birth just like I have read about, but it was so different seeing it in person. Pitocin, then nausea meds, then the epidural, then the drip narcotic, catheter, then the antibiotics because water was broken. Everything worked out fine, but honestly it was just really weird to watch. So very clinical and managed, nothing natural at all. My friend could not move from the bed for a solid 12 hours from the time the pitocin started. She couldn't change positions other than raising and lowering the bed. Beeping machines. People coming in and out of her room to socialize constantly (she was cool with that). Immediately after getting the epi she was relieved of pain, but felt so out of it as she couldn't feel any of her lower half. She sat and talked, laughed, etc. through the rest of her labor. She pushed 10 times, no tears, and baby is nursing perfectly. Seriously best case scenario. This is her first baby and she was happy with this experience.

My husband and I gained a big understanding of how other people view birth and why people think we are crazy for wanting a natural experience. I am not at all afraid of hospitals or medical stuff, and think it serves its purpose when needed or if really wanted by the mother during birth. While some would see this painless birth (after epi anyways) unfold and think it is a medical miracle, I just kept thinking our freaking weird it all seemed. It is just the exact opposite of anything we want for ourselves or our child. But at the same time, it was a good experience for the mother, her family, and the baby is fine. So I'm glad I got to watch and see why so many people love those epis. My husband is a huge supporter of natural birth, being born naturally in a birth center himself and raised by a mother who gets it. He also really believes in me and wants this intensely intimate experience that is polar opposite of what I witnessed last night. We aren't trying to prove people wrong, I don't care about what people think with this choice. Just like all other parents, we are just trying to make the right decision for ourselves and our individual child. I don't see why anyone else cares so much!

rinaealy · August 2014

I'm a STM and with my first delivery I had an epidural and it was a bad experience with developing a horrible migraine that last for two wks because they inserted the tube the first time and some spinal fluid came out. So this time around I told my doc that I want a natural birth. However she told me to keep an open mind and don't rule out the epidural because my LO might be at least nine pounds or more and I would b in tremendous pain. However, that was a bit discouraging and made me question whether I could actually do it. But I want to stick with my guns and go for the natural method. Anyone out there go natural and had a big baby? My DD was 8.11 lbs when she was born.

jwatts87 · August 2014

@rinaealy My SIL had 3 natural births, no baby was smaller than 8.5 lbs. She only tore with one of them because the baby's arm was over her head (ouch!) My grandmother had babies 11 lbs and 9 lbs naturally as well. It's absolutely doable. It's important to go into it knowing different pain management techniques. If you have plenty of preparation for it going in, then I see no reason why you can't have a great, natural birth!

jennypolkadots · August 2014

@rinaealy - there is no way to know how big a baby will be before it is born. I remember my friend had an ultrasound because her baby was measuring small and was told he measured 4.5 lbs, give or take 11 oz. We laughed because 11 oz is A LOT to not be sure on.

Also the weight of the baby is not nearly as important as the head size and length. You can be a 10 lb baby and 22 inches long, and way easier birth than a 8 lb baby who is only 17 inches. The width of the shoulders is important too and not always related to weight/size. I don't consider 9 lbs a large baby at all. DH was born in a natural birth at nearly 11 lbs. The vast majority of babies can be born through a natural delivery if the mother is encouraged and is allowed to move through labor and change positions when pushing. Don't let a doctor bully you into believing your body is not perfect for giving birth to your own child, unless an actual emergency arises. You got this!

rinaealy · August 2014

Thank you ladies for all the encouragement I feel much better going into my upcoming labor.

CTolley86 · August 2014

I totally understand what your going through! My husband and I had a home birth for our daughter 11 months ago, and were plannig on doing another home birth for our second due in April. Everyone thought we were insane and were all full of worry and skepticism! It was really annoying because we were educated and knew how safe things were considering I was as low risk as they come! I found it helpful to just mention that epidurals are risky and actually slow labour down (if given to early) not to mention they reach the baby so the baby isn't able to make the turns and twists required in order to move out of the birth canal, thus resulting in little to no progress in labour for many women. As long as you are confident in your choice don't worry what they think many will never change their opinions or mind. Our parents generation didn't have the information on medicine that we now have so their opinions are unfortunately biased by doctors who just love giving c sections! Remember that a womens body is perfectly designed to make and birth a baby naturally, the pain is great but I can assure you it is manageable and it's amazing to actually "feel" yor child being born! Our birth was amazing and I loved it! I think natural birth makes you appreciate how amazing your body is and what it's truly capable of! People will lay off you eventually trust me, every woman deserves the right to birth in whatever way you choose, and also the right to enjoy their amazing birth!! Good luck stay strong☺️

nova99 · August 2014

Maybe they feel intimidated that you are choosing the latter and they didn't. If this is about the epidural, they need to lay off! It's a drug, and drugs should never be taken lightly. I didn't have a completely natural labor last time because I ended up having to be induced, which I had expected because of gestational diabetes, but I did it without the epidural. I put out an SOS on Facebook and made it very clear I only wanted responses from people who had to be induced and didn't get the drugs. Make it clear that if people aren't going to be supportive, that you're not interested in their opinions. I can't think of a nicer way to say it because that's not the kind of person I am; I can be a little blunt lol I've gone through labor with and without drugs, and going without drugs made the recovery a lot easier, and I was in control of my body.

jpavenski · August 2014

I am the biggest baby when it comes to pain at least I thought I was, until I labored at home until 5 centimeters, got to the hospital & delivered my baby boy naturally after only 2.5 hours at the hospital. Trust me I am the last person that anyone would have thought could handle labor so well. We are strong & can handle it, try to ignore everyone. State your plan with confidence & end the discussion. You don't need the negativity, good luck!

HannahT64 · October 2014

Some people are just so dramatic and nosy. I've been met with a lot of shock and horror and regaled with annoying stories of "terrible childbirths" but you just have to learn to tune it out. Some people are drama queens or have no pain tolerance... and honestly, pain tolerance is something you learn. Pain is a part of life, and if you meet it with that expectation, and just learn some effective coping strategies, you'll be okay. All the people I know who have gone all natural have told me it wasn't nearly as bad as people had told them it was going to be, that the second the baby was out, the pain was over for them and that they were glad they did it that way.

Honestly, in the end... it's your vagina- not theirs :P

BreeAndDrew · December 2014

My sentiments exactly!

BreeAndDrew · December 2014

leela02 said:
I think people's reactions say more about them than you. When people react like that to something that is such a personal choice, it makes me think it has nothing to do with me, but for whatever reason they just feel insecure about their own opinions or knowledge on the matter. I don't talk about my birth preferences unless asked.

It just makes a lot of sense that if you are able to deal with the pain & don't have complications, then you don't need the risks of using pain meds.

very well said.

mylazypony · December 2014

I never bring up my birth plan anymore. If someone asks then I'll tell them. I'm 30 weeks pregnant with my first and when I do tell people I'm having a water birth at home, the faces range from no way that's awesome to oh my gawd, eye roll YOU'RE A HIPPY FREAK. I'm not a hippy, far from in fact but whatever think what you want. So yes stop telling people.

grcrocio1 · December 2014

I'm 10 weeks and planning a natural birth. The first and only person I talked to about my decision gave me the whole "don't be a hero" crap. My response was that I was not comfortable with have anything come near my spine specially after my sister was not able to move her neck and back for a few days after having my nephew due to the epidural. Sorry the means do not justify the end! She kept her opinion to herself from that point.

starrynight9503 · January 2015

You can tell them to watch "The Business of Being Born". Quite simply put, women's bodies KNOW how to give birth WITHOUT interventions. Over time, we have forgotten how to TRUST our bodies to do so.

Or you can just ignore them because they are likely ignorant in other areas of life as well

theseaword · January 2015

I didn't share my birth plan with anyone other than my DH, my ob, and the labor nurses. It's no one else's business. If anyone advised me on anything, I just smiled and nodded. People can be sensitive and defensive about these things and there wasn't anything to be gained by telling them to shove their advice. I still knew what I wanted to do.

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