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February 2014 Moms
spicysurro
member
Marriage Help (Update)
spicysurro
member
So I posted about this in the FFCF thread but someone suggested starting a new thread so here it goes.
LO is 3 months old. My husband works on a ship and is gone at least 4 months at a time. He came home when I was about 39 weeks pregnant. When he came back is was just different he was distant and just very reserved. I talked it up to being nervous. He left when LO was 4 weeks and the whole time he was gone he was the same, our average phone conversation was 2 minutes long. Then he came home last Saturday and its just strange. Its like we aren't even in love anymore, I guess I've been feeling this way for a while that while it hurts I'm thinking of LO and what I need to do for her. Ive tried talking to him and every time I ask "Do you even love me anymore" his response is always along the lines of "Have I ever said I didnt." I just don't know what to do, unfortunately he supports us 100% financially and we don't have a lot of money saved up since we are moving June 8th closer to my family. Im just lost and never thought we would end up here, but I think I owe it to LO to have someone who really really loves her mother and her... any help or hugs would be awesome!
UPDATE: Well we've had more talks in the past couple days and its over. Apparently he has felt this way long before getting pregnant, which I never knew about, he also said he thought LO would save our marriage.... really dude NO ONE thinks babies save relationships except teenage girls. Anyway, I brought up counseling and I just don't think he will do it because of his pride. He said he's not sure this is the life he wanted. I keep asking what our next steps are because we are moving and like I said before he 100% financially supports us. Luckily once we move I will have a job but not a great one and unfortunately I never went to college because I was a dancer on a cruiseship and was making bank at the time. He said he will take care of us and the house but I hate being stuck in this uncertain limbo. Just wanted to thank you all again for the support and courage to finally say what I felt. Luckily it hasn't been nasty and we've had zero fights just a lot of hurtful truth has come to light and honestly Ive felt this would happen in my gut for a long long time but I have anxiety and always just talked it up to my brain thinking the worst about everything. I wouldn't have been able to be strong without you ladies so thank you. Anyone who has any advice about divorce or anything it would be greatly appreciated! Feel free to PM me!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Marriage Help (Update)
I know you need to think of LO first and foremost, but you may also need to carve out some alone time with each other. Babies change the dynamic a lot and with being away so much, he might be struggling to figure out where he fits in now. My DH has been away a lot more for this LO than he was for our first, and he has had his struggles trying to figure out our new family dynamic.
((Hugs)) I'm sorry you are going through this and I think you have gotten great advice already. DH (he was my BF then) and I went through a very rough patch after DS1 was born. TBH we spent quite a few months separated and I did not think we would make it. We did make it but it was a very long journey. Having a child changes you and your relationships and it can take time to sort all of the associated feelings out. Though we are having an easier time after having LO, I still feel our relationship shifting back to the way things were. I suggested we start counseling again to get ahead of the ugly feelings. As PP's stated, it was more of a business partnership riddled with resentment and anger.
You made a very important first step today by starting a conversation with him. You should suggest counseling to your H but also consider going by yourself. You will be surprised how much you can get out of it on your own!
Here's some more ((((Hugs))))) You have tons of support from F14 and PM me anytime.
Mom to Lily and Colin!
Huge hugs
Ditto PPs, please consult an attorney. Depending on where you live, and file the rules may change so it's important youi know before heading out of state. As cold as it may sound, try not to "be nice" when it comes to negotiating child/spousal support - focus on doing what will be best for you/LO, not him.
And as unrealistic as it may sound, be safe. Leaving a partner is one of the most dangerous times in a woman's life and people do unpredictable things in times of stress.
Good luck moving forward!