Was I delusional? Please tell me no.

CarolinaGirl2014 · May 2014

Deleted because I don't want anything too personal out there since you never know you reads these boards. If any of you regulars missed it and are curious you can PM me and I'd be happy to fill you in. Thanks for your insight. You all have been the most amazing resource.

Dr.Loretta · May 2014

HUGS. I have no advice, that just sucks. How long has the sleep regression been an issue? Have you talked with your SW about this? Maybe she can mediate

bumpuser794640 · May 2014

I am so sorry you are feeling shut out by the adoptive parents.

I don't have much insight to offer, because our relationship with B's BM is very different from the relationship you've built with the adoptive family, since she didn't choose us and we haven't really built a level of trust with her yet.

I can definitely understand if they are feeling the need for some space, but it would be better if they would speak openly with you about their needs. It is really hard to adjust to parenting, especially when LO is acting out of character (such as during a sleep regression), and adding in regular life stuff makes balancing everything really hard sometimes. So I can see needing to focus on their family if things are in a tough spot right now.

My suggestion would be to wait a week or so and then send a letter or email letting them know how you are feeling (without pointing any fingers or placing blame) and asking for them to be open and honest with you about their needs and feelings regarding updates and visits.

I hope everything smooths itself out soon.

CaptainSerious · May 2014

I have never been in a relationship with my sons' birth parents, but I agree with you that under current law, they don't seem to have any rights if the adoptive parents change their minds about openness. I understand why the laws are designed the way they are, so adoptive parents can do what they feel is in their child's (and family's) best interest, but it also seems like a lousy answer and I wonder if their shouldn't be some enforceable visitation schedules in situations when the adoptive parents agree to opened at the time of the adoption.

All that being said, the first 18 months after an adoption can be trying in a way the parents never expected. I shut almost everyone out of my life, not through malice, but because I was simply n survival mode. I didn't have the time to see/talk/write to anybody, and when I did, I didn't have the energy or desire to. Everyone wanted to know the same things about hire we were progressing, and it read difficult and I didn't want to share, rehash, or feel in it. I wanted to forget when I had the chance.

I know that my situation may be different than your APs', because my children were older, but it sounds like they are hitting an emotional wall right now they don't feel like they can surmount. Whether that really is due to sleep issues of something else (there's always loss on all sides of the triad), they may really just be seeking a break here. I'd want more details and really try to flesh out what's going on here, while still finding a way to allow them the respite they seem to desire.

Is there anyway you can write them a note saying that you understand if they are going through something right now, but you can't imagine losing your contact, and could use some reassurance that they are not cutting you or indefinitely? I would also include something to the effect that you understand that they may be facing emotions and challenges that they never anticipated and you would like nothing more than to be supportive of them in any way you can as they work through it. That way they know that you are trying to understand and find a solution that works for everyone.

Another possibility could be that they are being pressured by people who don't understand your arrangement to cut back, and reminding them off why it's so important could help.

I wish you the best, and pay this is only a momentary lapse and you get to see your sweet daughter again soon.

spotco2 · May 2014

Was your agreement something in writing from the attorneys office or just something verbal between the two of you?

If it was in the paperwork from the attorney, you can force your hand a little. If this was just a verbal agreement, honestly there's not much you can do other than give them some space and pray that they will come around.

maryoosa · May 2014

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It's completely unfair. I would take a breath. Give them about a week, as someone above mentioned- and in that week talk to your agency/social worker. Then, I'd get back in touch and see if there might be some sort of compromise that might work while they are feeling like they are struggling. Maybe it's an update every 2 weeks instead of every week or every month- neither of which are fair to you- but if what the AP's are feeling is overwhelmed then that might help them.

I think that adoption is really tough on both sides- of course you have a right to have them uphold the agreement they made with you. If they cannot uphold that agreement than they should offer a compromise rather than a shut out. Try to see if your agency has any sway with them. They might need to talk something out with their social worker and just not know how to start because they might fear that they are "failing" at being adoptive parents. So if you contact the agency hopefully someone there can hep you mediate this challenge. Much love.

lorifromwi · May 2014

Thinking of you and hoping that this is just a temporary thing. Hopefully they will be able to adjust things soon and you all can get back to your agreement. I agree with @CaptainSerioussuggestion of trying to show them that you are supportive of them and what they are trying to work through, but that you would love to continue to stay involved. Hugs!

[Deleted User] · May 2014

The user and all related content has been deleted.

momof2buggs · May 2014

Sometimes people go through things that were not at all anticipated, and the hard part is going with the flow, because sometimes that flow goes where we never thought it would. It is a terrible thing- being at someone's mercy, and downright unbearable to surrender such a precious thing (your child) and give up control to someone else, but Ii hope that I never forget that I chose it. We have all kinds of choices, no doubt. But the best thing you can do is just let it happen. Fighting it will hurt more. At least in my experience I know that to be true.Finally, never EVER forget the reason you chose to give your child more, because ultimately it is (and always will be) all about her. One promising thing- it does get better. The ache never goes away completely, but it does heal a bit, and you'll find yourself living again.

IRR · May 2014

I haven't been logged on to this group in months, but my heart is hurting for you right now. I don't think you are delusional. I agree with others comments, the AP may just be going through crap right now and can't deal, which has nothing to do with you. Is it fair, no, but hopefully in the next week or so things will be sorted out and you will get to visit A. Hang in there.

CarolinaGirl2014 · May 2014

Thanks for the amazing insight. @captainserious that truly helps. I'm trying so hard to see their side of this so I can let go of my anger for the sake of A.

Our agreement is 100% verbal and we came to it after A was born. They kept saying they'd draw one up with their lawyer and got busy and I trusted them implicitly so it never happened.

I had decided to just give them space for two weeks, but I'm torn about what to to after that. My SW is the director of our agency (and my only contact there). Last time we had a problem (over not getting birth pictures) I finally got her involved because I felt I wasn't being heard and A's AMom has yet to forgive me for that. I think she felt betrayed and like I should have just sucked it up, so I'm afraid that going to her will once again only make matters worse. To be fair, the director isn't the most tender or eloquent with words. I'm also afraid that contacting her when she asked me not to will make things worse, but I don't know if I can handle waiting for them after the two weeks I've come to terms with. She did say that it wasn't indefinitely, but this has broken my trust so I just don't know anymore. I'm terrified that adoption and parenting is harder than she anticipated so she's going to end up extending this shutout until I get updates once a year and brief visits every few years. I wish I could feel like my voice could be heard without my world crashing down.

PrimRoseMama · May 2014

I have no experience, but I couldn't pass your post without extending E-hugs. It sounds like such a painful, confusing time for you & I'm sorry you are going through this.

CarolinaGirl2014 · May 2014

momof2buggs the only way I've held it together through this so far is with the knowledge that this is about her, not me. I keep telling myself that she's still being given a better life than I could have given her with me. I don't think it's a matter of control because I gave that up a long time ago. It's more about getting my life to a really great point and developing coping skills that really worked based on our norm then having it unexpectedly shift. I now don't know what to expect and don't have my updates and visits to count on to keep me leveled and focused on my life. I just need to know that A is OK and I don't right now with the way things ended.

CarolinaGirl2014 · May 2014

@IRR it's so good to hear from you.

Dr.Loretta · May 2014

IMO there's a difference between asking for guidance from your SW, and getting her directly involved. She may have previous experience to give you an idea how this may play out.

I hope you hear from them soon

IdigDirt · May 2014

I am so sorry

that is totally crappy of her. You had an agreement and gave her the gift of life! I can understand if she feels some kind of competition with you (which is the reason I like to do egg donations with gay couples) but a monthly update isn't so much to ask.
I know a form of PPD can effect adoptive parents as well, do you think she could have that?

JoyfulJuly · May 2014

I have no advice, I just want to say that I am so sorry that they are pushing you away even if it's just for the time being. I would contact the agency or attorney who handled the agreement because that is not ok at all! We are getting close to becoming a-parents and I just can't even imagine!

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Was I delusional? Please tell me no.

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