CIO...with dad?

ReeceFamily · May 2014

DD (almost 16 mos) is very attached to me and has a strong sleep association with me. Our night-time routine is that we brush teeth, read a book, and then I walk/sing her to sleep in the Ergo. Sometimes followed by nursing, sometimes not (about 50% of the time, depending on how sleepy she is). We co-sleep, so she sleeps on our bed on her own until we join her for the night. My question: DH would like to be more involved in the night-time routine, but she won't have it. If he tries to put her to sleep instead of me, she cries until she has chest spasms/hiccups. It's pretty heart-wrenching, so I always end up going in and rescuing him/her. Once I take her, she calms down and falls to sleep. Any ideas for how to wean her off the mom-only sleep association? Or will she just age out of it?

jesuisfatiguee · May 2014

Does she start melting down during the bedtime routine, or only after the lights go out? Maybe you could try a transition period where dad does everything leading up to sleep time, then you come in and get her to sleep. After awhile of that, she might be more open to YH handling the sleep part, as well. I'm a big fan of "If it ain't broke, don't fix it," so unless there is some reason you can no longer handle bed time every night (mental/emotional reasons count!) then I'd go the path of least resistance and fewest tears.

vvvvvfee · May 2014

je+suis=fatiguee said:

Does she start melting down during the bedtime routine, or only after the lights go out? Maybe you could try a transition period where dad does everything leading up to sleep time, then you come in and get her to sleep. After awhile of that, she might be more open to YH handling the sleep part, as well. I'm a big fan of "If it ain't broke, don't fix it," so unless there is some reason you can no longer handle bed time every night (mental/emotional reasons count!) then I'd go the path of least resistance and fewest tears.

agreed for taking the path of least resistance. i do think it can be a phase, though. DS would happily let DH play music and rock him to sleep for ages, until he suddenly wouldn't tolerate it anymore and only mommy was acceptable. and if it's the difference between struggling with a hysterical kid for an hour or just boob=sleep, why not go for the latter? i've learned this the hard way, trust me.

i do try to stop DS from nursing all the way to sleep. i usually stop him and say "boobies have to rest now," and most of the time he's content with that and will go to sleep if i stay there until he's out. so, point being, you could start working on breaking the nursing to sleep association, even if you are still the one putting your DD to sleep. then at least it will be easier for your DH to possibly help with the process at some point in the future.

edited to add: i think it is dr. sears that makes the point that crying in a parent/caregivers arms is NOT CIO. so if you do need your DH to put your LO to sleep sometimes to save your sanity, i know it is tough to hear her cry, but crying with your DH is not the same thing as being left alone to cry herself to sleep.

ReeceFamily · May 2014

Thanks for the advice everyone! It's not a huge inconvenience for me to get her to sleep, but there are times when DH either really wants to have that role or when I am away for work, and it would be nice if she could switch it up. I think I'll talk to DH about some of your thoughts and decide if it's worth it to push her to accept DH (and deal with some tears) or if we just wait it out and see if it changes naturally as she gets older. The tears are really so hard for me to hear - she is a VERY effective crier

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Emerald27 · May 2014

@ReeceFamily‌ Can you do bedtime together instead of just one of you or the other? Both sit with her at bathtime, each read her one book, walk together, alternating nights with who has her in the carrier? Doing bedtime together for a while might make an easier transition for DH doing it alone sometimes....the HE can take bath, or books, or walking, and eventually do all of it himself.

ReeceFamily · May 2014

Emerald27 said:

@ReeceFamily‌ Can you do bedtime together instead of just one of you or the other? Both sit with her at bathtime, each read her one book, walk together, alternating nights with who has her in the carrier? Doing bedtime together for a while might make an easier transition for DH doing it alone sometimes....the HE can take bath, or books, or walking, and eventually do all of it himself.

Yes - great ideas, Emerald!

Mrs.AmyDylan · May 2014

In our family DH does bath, we do books together, I do boob. If DD is still awake and bouncing around after 20min and empty boobs, I send DH in as the closer. She cries for a few min, but settles.

DD is 16mo and recently in her own room in a twin mattress on the floor.

If you want DH to put her down, you need to stop rescuing her/them. It just makes her confused and cry harder when he is trying to settle her because she is hoping to summon you. I agree that it is not CIO in a parent or caregivers arms. Good luck!!

Jenny952 · May 2014

Just adding that DD wants nothing to do with Daddy if I'm home. But when I'm traveling or out for the evening, she will easily go to bed for him. He had to figure out his own routine with her and it helped having me out of the house. If you both want him more involved in bedtime routine, maybe you could have a night out once a week so they are forced to figure it out. The other thing you could do is talk and talk about it, how daddy is going to do bedtime and why it's going to be special. It may take some getting used to but will make things better for you to get it figured out.

musicalmama5 · July 2014

My DS (also 16 mo) will go to sleep perfectly easily for anyone else (DH, my brother, babysitters) if I'm not home. But if I am home, it has to be me. Have you tried leaving the house and letting DH handle it?

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