Help after birth

DoublePortion · May 2014

DH and I decided that the 1st week at home with the babies we want it to be just the 4 of us. People are welcome to visit for an hour or so, but not for a long time or overnight. The next week he will go back to work, my mom will come stay for that week and then my sister for the 3rd week. (My family lives 3+ hours away and DH's family is local.) This way I have help for longer. Sounds good, right? My mom and MIL have had plenty to say about how they don't think this is a good idea, especially if I have to have a c/s. I realize it won't be easy, but I'm guessing it's going to be overwhelming regardless. I'd really like to have that 1st week to get accustomed to our new role as parents without having someone constantly giving their opinion. Please tell me if I'm in denial...

zazu13 · May 2014

I was in the hospital nearly 1 week and then only 1 baby came home with me. My DH had to burn all his vacation time planned before we even had the 4 of us there. I did have a c-sec and lingering pre-e after delivery that I didnt forsee. I needed the help bevcuse I wasnt able to lift / stand safely and needed even more help when Baby B joined us a week later. I get along great with my helpers (mom, MIL, sister) and they were close enough to come help for shorter periods. I wasn't shy about telling them what I did and did not want them to do and we discussed before I delivered that their role was to take care of things like cooking & cleaning so I could focus on babies. I did value their experiences, though. As a FTM they were able to help me gain confidence in my new role without taking over. I wished at the time we'd had overnight help. Take advantage of that! Good luck

lynnyrd80 · May 2014

I just have experience from my singleton, but I loved having my mom here for two weeks when DS was born. He was up a lot during the night and having the extra person meant that DH got more sleep. We all took a three hour shift with DS in the living room. I can only imagine that I will more than need here when the twins get here in addition to having a two year old. This time my mom is coming up as soon as she gets done with school to help me the last couple weeks of my pregnancy and is planning on staying as long as I need her before she goes back in August. I'm counting down the days until she comes.

That being said, she is super helpful with things like laundry, dishes, meals, running errands, etc. She lets me be the mom. My MIL is a different story and I wouldn't be comfortable with her staying here. They are local, so will be able to come by for help or to take DS out. So, it totally depends on your relationships whether you would be glad to have them stay or not.

twinmom1121 · May 2014

We didn't have anyone stay over night with us because our families literally live 5 mins away, so they were here a lot during the day. It never really crossed my mind to have someone stay the night. My husband was able to take 2 weeks off of work and helped a lot while I wasn't super mobile. After those 2 weeks I was feeling alot better and could do things myself. I agree it's definitely your personality because I actually got kind of stressed out with having too many people over for too long. Everyone mostly just came over to hold babies so I didn't get to snuggle them as much as I wanted to. I had to share, ha! I was glad to have help but it was also nice to just be the 4 of us a lot of the time. Do what you feel is best and what you think you will need! We did have a lot of people bring us dinners every night for the first 2 weeks which was amazing!!

Jenn06L80 · May 2014

I have a 3.5 year old already and had a c-section. I needed and wanted help from my parents from the minute they were born.

My DH got so overwhelmed it was a disaster. So I moved into my moms with our 3 girls for more help until I go back to work in August.

DH comes over during the day and helps a bit but I wouldn't survive without my mom.

pillowass · May 2014

My twins were born at 37 weeks and the first few weeks were a breeze. I had a vaginal birth but was still in a fair amount of pain in the beginning (though prob nothing compared to c-section - your own recovery is worth considering). They slept all the time! After that, all hell broke loose - from 2 weeks to 3 months is when I needed the most help. I think your plan is reasonable. You are right that it will be overwhelming no matter how you approach it. Good luck!

4legsRbest · May 2014

Our "plan" (I say that an laugh) is to have no overnight guests for the first 4 weeks. DH is taking a month paternity leave and DS will still go to daycare and I really don't like having overnight company anyway, but my mom and sisters are in town so I will have help during the day. Another one for us is that I am going to try my damnest to BF so there isn't really anything anyone can do in the first month to help at night, besides get in my way, so they really won't be help until after we introduce a bottle at 4-6 weeks. His mom came shortly after DS was born and drove me BSC at night getting up with me to just watch me feed him. I wanted to scream. DH's mom will come out for 2-3 weeks to stay after we are bottle feeding so we can get out fo the house and get some more sleep. Since your DH's fam is local I think you will be okay. Also it depends on how you are going to feed them as to whether overnight guests are helpful. Just my opinion.

DoublePortion · May 2014

Thanks for your insight ladies!

Like some of you mentioned, I do think it has a lot to do with my personality. My mom and MIL are very extroverted and I'm introverted. Sometimes I do fine when my mom comes to visit and other times it stresses me out to have her here. I plan on attempting to BF so it's not like I'll get to sleep for long even with her here. Of course this is just our plan if everything goes well. There are circumstances that could change what we need to do.

RayRay007 · May 2014

Well I don't have experience with twins and c/s, but with DD (a c/s) DH stayed home for about a week, and then my mom came for a bit. They might have overlapped for a bit, I don't remember, but it was just DH and I for the first few days. It worked out well.

Manada · May 2014

We don't really have a "plan" yet, but my family is about an hour away and @healz413's family is a good day's drive away - so we don't anticipate offers of overnight guests right in the beginning. I think H's family will come and see us after the babies are born, and probably come and visit before (the plan is for them to bring us some stuff that my MIL has for us before).

That said, our hope is that if the babies come home with us from the hospital H. will stay home with us for about 4 weeks after they're born, and then I'll be primarily on my own with them during the day until she takes over Parental leave in the spring. Our plan is to hire help to come to clean the house once a week, and keep our dog-walker coming at least 2/3 times a week to exercise and socialize our dog. Otherwise we are thinking about hiring help in the form of a post-partum doula or something for the early days, but I'm also considering whether it might be nicer to have a teenage mother's helper or someone come a few afternoons a week for a few hours - if the daughter of a friend of ours is actually available.

I suspect my family will be around on weekends and as they're able, but don't want to rely on them too much, my mom and I work better together when we have a bit of space, and my sister is in her final year of university so she may not be around.... I'm hoping to maintain sanity by getting help, and by trying to get out of the house as much as possible with the babies to participate in community activities and drop-in centres...

basil2 · May 2014

I think you're being totally reasonable- that said- a lot comes down to DH- is he the sort of person who can manage the kitchen, do the laundry, and still get up at 2 AM to help with feeds? (my only experience was with a C section- and DH pretty much has had to do everything initially) If so- go for it without additional help.

One thought would be to ask family to hold back, but be available once you know what you need.

Not exactly to the point of what you're asking- but can DH take more than a week off?? You may need his support for longer than that. (and you may wind up in the hospital longer than intended- it was 5 days with my singleton and that took up some of the 2 wks he'd been planning to be home).

In our case, we really needed my parents' help managing our almost 3 yr old. But without him to consider, it was in all honesty easier once they'd gone home. I love them, and they're entirely well intended. But- it stresses me out to have overnight guests- and while my mom wants to help- she isn't always receptive to doing things the way I want- and the energy that creates is draining for everyone.

So I'd say trust your instincts, make sure you're being honest about what both you and DH can take on, and then go with it. Ask family to be available if needed (and if they really want to be helpful they'll understand) and remind them that the 4-6 wk fussy period is when you might most need their help.

DoublePortion · May 2014

@basil2 said:

I think you're being totally reasonable- that said- auch has had to do everything initially) If so- go for it without additional help. lot comes down to DH- is he the sort of person who can manage the kitchen, do the laundry, and still get up at 2 AM to help with feeds? (my only experience was with a C section- and DH pretty m
One thought would be to ask family to hold back, but be available once you know what you need.
Not exactly to the point of what you're asking- but can DH take more than a week off?? You may need his support for longer than that. (and you may wind up in the hospital longer than intended- it was 5 days with my singleton and that took up some of the 2 wks he'd been planning to be home).
In our case, we really needed my parents' help managing our almost 3 yr old. But without him to consider, it was in all honesty easier once they'd gone home. I love them, and they're entirely well intended. But- it stresses me out to have overnight guests- and while my mom wants to help- she isn't always receptive to doing things the way I want- and the energy that creates is draining for everyone.
So I'd say trust your instincts, make sure you're being honest about what both you and DH can take on, and then go with it. Ask family to be available if needed (and if they really want to be helpful they'll understand) and remind them that the 4-6 wk fussy period is when you might most need their help.

DH said he wants to do those things, but I will have to tell him what's needed because he's not always sure. He's great about doing the dishes and learned how to use the washer while I was in the hospital in March. (It has too many buttons according to him. lol) Also, my church is really good about setting up Care Calendars for people to bring meals to new mothers, which will help a ton! Part of my concern with having my mom here is that DH will feel useless. He is the type that if someone else is better at something he'll just let them do it. I want him to be involved and not feel like he's not needed.

He can only take the one week off without going back to a complete disaster, which would only cause even more stress. If I end up needing more time in the hospital I may suggest he goes back to work till I'm home if my mom is able to stay at the hospital with me. The hospital is close by so he'd still be able to come by every day. It's hard to plan when there are so many unknowns!!

Yes, the fussy period is definitely when I'll need help!! Thanks for your advice!

Jamie718 · May 2014

My husband had 2 weeks off and we agreed no one was coming to stay while he was off. That's our family bonding time. People were willing to come stay after that. We did the same thing with my son, and I'm glad we did.

sasky · May 2014

I haven't had the twins yet, but with DS we had day visitors and not necessarily "help." Everyone just held the baby while they were here. And I felt the need to sit and have conversations instead of doing things like cleaning, dishes, laundry, etc. It was nice to see people but kind of annoying at the same time.

I'm not good at asking for help or telling people who offer what they can do to help. So I have a feeling it will be a similar situation. If someone offered to stay over night I'm sure I'd tell them not to bother. But again, that's a personality thing.

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