I can't keep quiet about this anymore! Grandparent favoritism...

EricaCat1 · May 2014

I can't keep quiet about this anymore! My friend's stepfather (the commercial airline captain) spends much more money on his own grandchildren than he does on his step-granddaughter (my friend's little girl). First of all, he pays for flight lessons for his grandson and has been doing so for ten years. That is EXPENSIVE!!!! His grandson is his pride and joy because he's on the path to becoming a commercial pilot, and he's also on the path to attending the same university as he did. The grandfather takes him to professional, collegiate, and amateur football, baseball, and ice hockey games. That, too, is $$$$!! He pays for his teenage granddaughter's dance lessons. He pays for his elementary school granddaughter's figure skating lessons. Who pays for his step-granddaughter's dance lessons? My friend does!! She also complains that for birthdays he buys his biological grandchildren clearly more expensive gifts. For example, when her daughter turned eight he got her an American Girl doll but when his own granddaughter turned seven that same year he got her an American Girl doll with extra outfits and an entire room set! It's not fair. Oh and he's so invested in his bio grandchildren's future, but he doesn't seem to be nearly as concerned with his little step-granddaughter's future!! She is a sweetheart of a girl but she has gotten very into her looks (I caught her preening at a storefront window using it as a mirror at a community event we were all at the other day and Step-Grandpa didn't say one word about it); she has a crush on one of her mom's 30-year-old guy friends, and she has much more of a natural affinity for hair, clothes, and pocketbooks than she does schoolwork because she tries but she has a hard time with schoolwork...particularly mathematics. Where's his concern for her future?? And being a pilot he should be helping her with her math homework so that she should be acing math in no time! Again, it isn't fair. He and his stepdaughter are really close and they love each other very much, and he does love his little step-granddaughter and she loves him too; and everyone gets along fine, but I just had to vent because the blatant financial and life-investment favoritism doesn't seem right!!

Ilumine · May 2014

And? So?

This post is a series of entitlement bitches, that frankly are not entitlements. First of all, NO ONE is entitled to this man's time and money.

Which goes to the next point. The financial and emotional responsibility for a child solely belongs to the parents, NOT the grandparents. If baby doll want's to dance than it is up to baby dolls' mom or dad to supply this WANT (not need or necessity) if they so choose to

Third (I am skipping over the step-parent role because that one is a debatable one), there is NO LEGAL OR MORAL REQUIREMENT TO TREAT A STEP-GRANDCHILD ANYWAY OTHER WITH THE BASICS OF RESPECT AND COMMON DECENCY.

A StepGrandparent did not choose to take on an additional grandchild. The step grandparent has even less authority (I bet that if said step grandfather tried to punish your friend's daughter you would be running here and complaining about how he overstepped his boundaries) or access to the child (how often does Step-grandfather see this girl in comparison to his biological grand children and how often does that interaction get based on when and if his step-daughter is available) OR ability to see the child if/when the he divorces his stepdaughter's mother (why invest in someone you are more than likely only going to lose in the end).

I would never ever expect my parents to treat my stepchildren as equals to my daughter or my niece and nephew. I would demand that they treat my stepchildren fairly and compassionately, but that does not mean equally.

And given the fact that this man spent a good couple of hundred on the American Girl Doll, the fat that you are begrudging the extra dresses is more about your selfishness. (btw, why aren't you getting upset at grandma for not buying the extras? why is it on step grandfather?)

And honestly, where are this girls parents? why is it up to HIM to teach her math? If math is so important to the mother or to YOU for that matter, why aren't YOU doing something about it.

Hell, where are this girls OTHER grandparents? Why aren't you upset that the step grandfather;s biological children aren't getting three times the number of gifst like this girl is.

Life is not equal.

EricaCat1 · May 2014

Ilumine said:

The step grandparent has even less authority (I bet that if said step grandfather tried to punish your friend's daughter you would be running here and complaining about how he overstepped his boundaries) or access to the child (how often does Step-grandfather see this girl in comparison to his biological grand children and how often does that interaction get based on when and if his step-daughter is available) OR ability to see the child if/when the he divorces his stepdaughter's mother (why invest in someone you are more than likely only going to lose in the end).

And given the fact that this man spent a good couple of hundred on the American Girl Doll, the fat that you are begrudging the extra dresses is more about your selfishness. (btw, why aren't you getting upset at grandma for not buying the extras? why is it on step grandfather?)

And honestly, where are this girls parents? why is it up to HIM to teach her math? If math is so important to the mother or to YOU for that matter, why aren't YOU doing something about it.

Hell, where are this girls OTHER grandparents? Why aren't you upset that the step grandfather;s biological children aren't getting three times the number of gifst like this girl is.

Just to answer a few questions:

Honestly the girl is extremely respectful, quiet, and shy…she's basically perfectly behaved. If she ever did mouth off or act disrespectful, the step-grandfather would certainly discipline her as he should in a case like that.

He sees her more often than his biological grandchildren, as he lives with her grandmother in the same state and his bio grandchildren live in a different state. His wife and stepdaughter are very family oriented and they all see one another quite often (they do things together like going to that Community Day the other day). It is highly unlikely that he & her mom are going to get divorced, as they have been together for 25 years and married for 16.

He didn't just get the extra dresses for his bio granddaughter; he got a whole doll room set with furniture and accessories for her as well! Yes, his step-granddaughter's grandmother gets her some extra things. But, she doesn't work; she is a stay-at-home wife. Her husband gives her spending money/allowance. =\

The math thing: her mom has tried but first of all is stumped by the whole impossible common core math of today (all the close females in her family are), and second of all doesn't get home from work till relatively darned late. She has said that her stepfather (being a pilot) is literally the only person who could understand it. She's divorced and her daughter only sees her father on alternate weekends. =/

The little girl's paternal grandfather died a few years before she was born, and her maternal grandfather does REALLY dote on her and give her a lot for sure; I'll give it that!!

But thank you for the feedback; I appreciate your honesty.

tcam2012 · May 2014

If she's having trouble with math, she should have a trained tutor. How he spends his money is really no one's business. If he were outright mean, that would be something else. And he may send extra presents to the grandchildren he doesn't see as often because... Well, he doesn't see them as much so gifts step in for time. Anyway, I'm not sure what's behind the complaint here or why you're this invested in their family dynamic. But everyone sounds loved so just be happy.

ambrvan · May 2014

EricaCat1 said:

I can't keep quiet about this anymore! My friend's stepfather (the commercial airline captain) spends much more money on his own grandchildren than he does on his step-granddaughter (my friend's little girl). First of all, he pays for flight lessons for his grandson and has been doing so for ten years. That is EXPENSIVE!!!! His grandson is his pride and joy because he's on the path to becoming a commercial pilot, and he's also on the path to attending the same university as he did. The grandfather takes him to professional, collegiate, and amateur football, baseball, and ice hockey games. That, too, is $$$$!! He pays for his teenage granddaughter's dance lessons. He pays for his elementary school granddaughter's figure skating lessons. Who pays for his step-granddaughter's dance lessons? My friend does!! She also complains that for birthdays he buys his biological grandchildren clearly more expensive gifts. For example, when her daughter turned eight he got her an American Girl doll but when his own granddaughter turned seven that same year he got her an American Girl doll with extra outfits and an entire room set! It's not fair.
NONE OF THE ABOVE MATTERS! This reeks of materialism spiraling down a nasty and disgusting path!

Oh and he's so invested in his bio grandchildren's future, but he doesn't seem to be nearly as concerned with his little step-granddaughter's future!! She is a sweetheart of a girl but she has gotten very into her looks (I caught her preening at a storefront window using it as a mirror at a community event we were all at the other day and Step-Grandpa didn't say one word about it); she has a crush on one of her mom's 30-year-old guy friends, and she has much more of a natural affinity for hair, clothes, and pocketbooks
What does this have to do with anything? So she was "preening" in a window reflection. What was Grandpa supposed to say about it? Compliment her or hassle her? And so what if she has a crush on a 30yo. I have a crush on Channing Tatum and Gerard Butler, but it ain't ever gonna happen. And so she likes girly things. What does that have to do with Grandpa? I'm sure he would love to sit and braid her hair for hours, or better yet, let her braid his hair! If he's not bald that is.

than she does schoolwork because she tries but she has a hard time with schoolwork...particularly mathematics. Where's his concern for her future?? And being a pilot he should be helping her with her math homework so that she should be acing math in no time! Again, it isn't fair.
When has it ever been assumed that pilots are proficient in elementary school math (I assume elementary considering you keep referring to her as "little")? Oh, and I had no idea that all pilots are great teachers/tutors, especially when it comes to children's school subjects. You're totally right! With him flying airplanes for a living, he should definitely be helping her with her homework. That would make her a straight A kid right away!

It's totally not Mom and Dad's job to help her out. Especially since the women in their family can't figure out simple arithmetic, and Dad won't help her on the weekends he has her. And a tutor is totally out of the question because there is a pilot in the family! Too bad the mean old pilot won't invest in this sweet girl's future and make her a better student.

He and his stepdaughter are really close and they love each other very much, and he does love his little step-granddaughter and she loves him too; and everyone gets along fine, but I just had to vent because the blatant financial and life-investment favoritism doesn't seem right!!

I haven't been so snarky in a long time. But I haven't read anything so freaking bratty in a long time. What the crap? How are you even making the connections and reasoning you posted?

It is NOT a grandparent's job to raise a child. It is not a grandparent's job to give or do anything for a child. If they contribute, great. If they don't, oh well.

You only talked about what YOU see wrong. Not about anything detrimental to the child. You never mentioned any way that Grandpa's actions are negatively impacting this girl.

So kid isn't the best math student. Guess what? I wasn't a great math student either. And my parents couldn't help me with math themselves. But they got help for me when I needed it. They didn't expect my Grandpa (who was very proficient in math) to teach me. And when I was in high school, I was expected to seek tutoring help myself and pay for it myself if necessary. I did fine then, and learning some initiative served me well when I took college Statistics last year.

And the whole pilot = obligated to tutor grandkid idea is sooooo beyond me.

Why exactly are you complaining about any of this? None of it even involves you (according to the information you provided), and I see nothing about the child being harmed. The only thing I possibly see is that she will grasp the concept (unlike some people) that life, well, "it's not fair."

Wahoo · May 2014

Someone remarked in your other post about this guy that he was a douche-canoe. The more you post about him, the more he sounds like an azzzzz.

Personally, I would not be with someone who put me on an allowence and then treated my child's child as "less than" his other grandkids. Especially if he is "grandpa" to her, but I guess his wife made her choice. Also, as a stepchild, I don't think I could be that close to someone who showed such huge favoritism to my step-sibling's children.

I agree with the others who don't think your friend is entitled to have any of her child's lessons paid for, or to expect huge gifts for Christmas, or have grandpa tutor her child (some people are GREAT at a subject, but not good at all at teaching it), However, I had to watch FILs wife treat DH (she married FIL when dh was 12) and then our kids as "less than" her bio-kids and her bio-grandkids. I stopped speaking to her and have not seen her in 9 years for that very reason.

I'm guessing this is really your step-grandpa. Why else would you be so invested in how they live their lives?

Ilumine · May 2014

EricaCat1 said:

Ilumine said:

The step grandparent has even less authority (I bet that if said step grandfather tried to punish your friend's daughter you would be running here and complaining about how he overstepped his boundaries) or access to the child (how often does Step-grandfather see this girl in comparison to his biological grand children and how often does that interaction get based on when and if his step-daughter is available) OR ability to see the child if/when the he divorces his stepdaughter's mother (why invest in someone you are more than likely only going to lose in the end).

And given the fact that this man spent a good couple of hundred on the American Girl Doll, the fat that you are begrudging the extra dresses is more about your selfishness. (btw, why aren't you getting upset at grandma for not buying the extras? why is it on step grandfather?)

And honestly, where are this girls parents? why is it up to HIM to teach her math? If math is so important to the mother or to YOU for that matter, why aren't YOU doing something about it.

Hell, where are this girls OTHER grandparents? Why aren't you upset that the step grandfather;s biological children aren't getting three times the number of gifst like this girl is.

Just to answer a few questions:

Honestly the girl is extremely respectful, quiet, and shy…she's basically perfectly behaved. If she ever did mouth off or act disrespectful, the step-grandfather would certainly discipline her as he should in a case like that.

He sees her more often than his biological grandchildren, as he lives with her grandmother in the same state and his bio grandchildren live in a different state. His wife and stepdaughter are very family oriented and they all see one another quite often (they do things together like going to that Community Day the other day). It is highly unlikely that he & her mom are going to get divorced, as they have been together for 25 years and married for 16.

He didn't just get the extra dresses for his bio granddaughter; he got a whole doll room set with furniture and accessories for her as well! Yes, his step-granddaughter's grandmother gets her some extra things. But, she doesn't work; she is a stay-at-home wife. Her husband gives her spending money/allowance. =\

The math thing: her mom has tried but first of all is stumped by the whole impossible common core math of today (all the close females in her family are), and second of all doesn't get home from work till relatively darned late. She has said that her stepfather (being a pilot) is literally the only person who could understand it. She's divorced and her daughter only sees her father on alternate weekends. =/

The little girl's paternal grandfather died a few years before she was born, and her maternal grandfather does REALLY dote on her and give her a lot for sure; I'll give it that!!

But thank you for the feedback; I appreciate your honesty.

So what? He can spend HIS money any way he wants. If his wife doesn't like the financial inequity of her life - i.e. she can only spend a small portion of the income vs his ability to spend the bulk share, then that is on them.

But this man is not responsible for taking care of his wife's daughter's child. HE IS NOT.

I bet that if this step-grandfather tried to control how this little girl was raised, from what school she went to, to what clothes she wore, to how often he got to see her, to which religion she was to practice, you and her mother would be all up in arms about how he has no say in her upbringing.

But yet you are so quick to bitch when he doesn't give her the same amount of money.

JLHV1909 · May 2014

Why are you so upset and worried about this situation?

This is your friend's issue as it is her step-father and daughter. How are you involved, and why are you so upset? I could understand being this upset if it were your daughter and your step-father.

EricaCat1 · May 2014

He's not my stepfather, but I live in a small town and this is one of those families with whom many of the townspeople are fascinated. Basically I just felt the need to vent a little. The stepdaughter is a friend of mine and I think something that gets my goat about the whole money allocation thing with the grandchildren is that my friend's guy friends (including my fiance) razz her about her stepdad hitting on her. I think they are just being silly, but one thing he does is her gets her to go out with him on department store outings and stuff because every year -- for his wife's birthday, anniversary, Valentine's Day, and Christmas -- he claims he doesn't know what to get his wife (my friend's mom) and that he needs his stepdaughter to go with him to help him pick something out. The suspicion among the group of friends is that she's really beautiful, and he likes to be seen with her and for people to think they're a couple.

alb2411 · May 2014

I think you and your friends need to mind your own business. Your response really doesn't help you not sound like a busy body. You have no place discussing this person's life and family.

nattyncbride · May 2014

There's already so much stigma around blended or 'broken' (as some like to say) families. Blended families are not easy, and decisions are not black and white; and now, on top of the complexity, we have the judgement of those around us.

Please don't add to it with your small town mentality. It's incredibly ignorant and insulting to gossip about these people.

This forum is for people asking others for advice, and yes, sometimes to vent about their situations. This is not your situation. The good thing is the PPs gave you some things to think about. Think about it, and keep your nose out of other people's business. Chances are, they are doing the best they can. I am being as polite as I can be right now.

Belou52579 · May 2014

I have to ask: why are you so invested in your friend's family affairs? You seem to speak only of this grandfather and his interaction with children that you have us believing are NOT yours...it seems odd to have such strong feelings about any of this.

MommyEllenSue · May 2014

You need to get out of your friends personal business! If she doesn't like how her daughter is treated than she needs to discuss it with the step-grandfather. Not have you gossip about it on the internet.

twister22 · June 2014

EricaCat1 said:

Ilumine said:

The step grandparent has even less authority (I bet that if said step grandfather tried to punish your friend's daughter you would be running here and complaining about how he overstepped his boundaries) or access to the child (how often does Step-grandfather see this girl in comparison to his biological grand children and how often does that interaction get based on when and if his step-daughter is available) OR ability to see the child if/when the he divorces his stepdaughter's mother (why invest in someone you are more than likely only going to lose in the end).

And given the fact that this man spent a good couple of hundred on the American Girl Doll, the fat that you are begrudging the extra dresses is more about your selfishness. (btw, why aren't you getting upset at grandma for not buying the extras? why is it on step grandfather?)

And honestly, where are this girls parents? why is it up to HIM to teach her math? If math is so important to the mother or to YOU for that matter, why aren't YOU doing something about it.

Hell, where are this girls OTHER grandparents? Why aren't you upset that the step grandfather;s biological children aren't getting three times the number of gifst like this girl is.

Just to answer a few questions:

Honestly the girl is extremely respectful, quiet, and shy…she's basically perfectly behaved. If she ever did mouth off or act disrespectful, the step-grandfather would certainly discipline her as he should in a case like that.

He sees her more often than his biological grandchildren, as he lives with her grandmother in the same state and his bio grandchildren live in a different state. His wife and stepdaughter are very family oriented and they all see one another quite often (they do things together like going to that Community Day the other day). It is highly unlikely that he & her mom are going to get divorced, as they have been together for 25 years and married for 16.

He didn't just get the extra dresses for his bio granddaughter; he got a whole doll room set with furniture and accessories for her as well! Yes, his step-granddaughter's grandmother gets her some extra things. But, she doesn't work; she is a stay-at-home wife. Her husband gives her spending money/allowance. =\

The math thing: her mom has tried but first of all is stumped by the whole impossible common core math of today (all the close females in her family are), and second of all doesn't get home from work till relatively darned late. She has said that her stepfather (being a pilot) is literally the only person who could understand it. She's divorced and her daughter only sees her father on alternate weekends. =/

The little girl's paternal grandfather died a few years before she was born, and her maternal grandfather does REALLY dote on her and give her a lot for sure; I'll give it that!!

But thank you for the feedback; I appreciate your honesty.

The bold - is it possible he's trying to make up for seeing them less?

And honestly, there are SO many factors at play here that would take forever to go into. My short response is that this little girl doesn't have a RIGHT to any of this. And if your friend has such an issue, then she should talk to her SO.

SueBear · June 2014

All of the adults have a CHOICE here. The (bio) grandma can stand up to her husband and demand that he at least spend as much on birthday gifts for her grandchild as for the other grandchildren. Or use up all of her allowance on gifts for her own grandchild (while no one is entitled to huge birthday gifts or having their dance lessons paid for, I do think children notice when their cousins get bigger gifts than they do, and that can hurt).

Your friend can refuse to be "arm candy" for her step-dad, and distance herself from someone who treats her daughter as second best to his own grandchildren.

Pilot stepdad seems like he controls a lot of people through his money. Your friend should step back from that and be happy she can support her daughter's activities on her own. I'm sure Stepdad's gifts aren't free. He sounds like a jerk.

Belou52579 · June 2014

SueBear said:
All of the adults have a CHOICE here. The (bio) grandma can stand up to her husband and demand that he at least spend as much on birthday gifts for her grandchild as for the other grandchildren. Or use up all of her allowance on gifts for her own grandchild (while no one is entitled to huge birthday gifts or having their dance lessons paid for, I do think children notice when their cousins get bigger gifts than they do, and that can hurt).

Your friend can refuse to be "arm candy" for her step-dad, and distance herself from someone who treats her daughter as second best to his own grandchildren.

Pilot stepdad seems like he controls a lot of people through his money. Your friend should step back from that and be happy she can support her daughter's activities on her own. I'm sure Stepdad's gifts aren't free. He sounds like a jerk.

I think you are making a big mistake making these assumptions of the step grandfather and grandmother.

I wouldn't go down the road of assumptions based solely on this one woman's one sided account.

Sigir · June 2014

Woah who unleashed the crazy recently? I love the comment that not one woman in the whole family can understand math. Are we in 1950?

Belou52579 · June 2014

I just want to mention that this OP not only writes odd messages about her friend on this board but also on Single Parents and The Knot-

I'm getting concerned.

MrsBPO · June 2014

You really should keep quiet about it.

He treats step-granddaughter well, sees her more often than biological grandchildren, does not "owe" her an education or dance lessons because he chooses to pay for such things for his biological grandchildren, step-granddaughter has her own biological family who can (and hopefully DO) do things for her that biological grandchildren do not receive, and if step-grandmother is a SAH and only gets an "allowance" what is the matter with that? How else would she get money. It's not an allowance, it's household income.

Signed,

Another step-grandmother who shows "favoritism" but guess what, step-granddaughter appreciated the entire Disney Princess collection she bought even though we bought other presents for the granddaughters that she didn't get (who, btw, wasn't actually a step-granddaughter, just daughter of boyfriend of several years at the time. And she wasn't even at the house at Christmas...we packed up all ten presents for her to open at home.) OH, and I'm a SAH who gets an "allowance" from my DH as well. But then, I'm raising my (not his) grandkids that we just adopted. Flame away and judge me the same as you judge him because I'm sitting right there.

I can't keep quiet about this anymore! Grandparent favoritism...

Re: I can't keep quiet about this anymore! Grandparent favoritism...

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