Frustrated: My plan to deliver naturally being met with complete skepticism

BabyShahmirza · April 2014

Hello All,

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with my first child and I'm planning on a natural delivery. I have an amazing, supportive husband who will be a great delivery coach and we're all signed up for classes to prepare us for the process. I'm becoming frustrated, however, with the reaction I get from family, friends, co-workers when we mention that we're planning on a natural birth. I know that this is a personal choice and it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks, but I am searching for some advice on how to ignore all the skepticism.

I feel like women who want to birth naturally are not met with a lot of support and this can make the process seem scary. Any advice from moms you have experienced this? What worked for you? How did you handle and overcome it?

Thanks, all!

BabyShahmirza · April 2014

jennish11 said:

Read Ina May's Guide to Childbirth - this seriously eliminated any fears I had

Thank you for the positive thoughts and the book recommendation! I'm going to buy this for my tablet tonight. Thanks, again and good luck to YOU in the next few weeks... to a happy, healthy baby!!

rdbabygrl · April 2014

I'm a STM and am planning to go as naturally as possible. I had an epidural with my first and it completely stopped my labor. I am with you ladies, if friends/family don't agree or aren't supportive I remind them that women have been having babies UNMEDICATED since the beginning of time.

realmissjess · April 2014

I may be in the minority here, but I didn't discuss it with anyone who wasn't supportive. For example, a co-worker said, "Ask for drugs early!" and I just smile and nod. It's not worth saying I wasn't going that route.

For family, only my MIL wasn't supportive. We don't have a great relationship; she's very blunt and I've found the best way I can cope with her is to be blunt right back. So when she questioned my choice, I told her my mom declined drugs for me and my brother, and I wanted to do the same thing for my son to give him a good start. That shut her up! (I'm surprised she didn't say her son turned out fine, because that's true.)

I might have had a harder time if the negative reactions were coming from people whose opinions I cared about, like if my mom or partner was worried about me handling labor. Stay strong - it doesn't matter what they think. Don't let them get to you or your husband!

jmknox · April 2014

None of my family (either side). Is supportive. They all think we are crazy. They are especially concerned about our birth being planned at a birthing center instead of a hospital. I can't wait to prove them wrong!! I feel ya.

Chichigo · April 2014

I hated when people said I would change my mind once I was in labor. I also feel that women have been delivering babies forever and epidural/narcotics are a very recent invention.

I honestly don't know why people need to manage other women's pregnancy and births.

Rrrrrachel · April 2014

I also just ignored people, smiled and nodded, and didn't typically discuss it.

vintagejjane · April 2014

I just did the smile and nod and eventually just quite telling people we were having a home birth. Fill yourself with all the info you can. Having all the information I could helped me to be determined and not fearful.

mAnYaSha · April 2014

My co-worker just had her baby naturally (yeah!). We work in a culture where women get elective C-section, so she had a LOT of unsolicited comments against going natural. She connected to me and another woman who had natural birth and we were her support team at work.

If you cannot find a person or two to lean on, don't forget your bumpies and read read read ! There are way too many ignorant people out there. Educate yourself and use knowledge as power.

The co-worker who just had baby txted me "You were right! I am sore, but it was so worth it!!"

Things don't always go according to the plan, but don't let ignorant people drag you down

jenn43 · April 2014

I can absolutely sympathize! I actually work in the hospital where I'll be delivering, and the epidural rate is around 90%. The anesthesiologists in particular are very, very skeptical. I'm taking it as motivation to prove to them all that it can be done! I have an awesome nurse midwife, and my DH and I have done the hypnobirthing class. The important thing to remember is that you don't have to defend your decisions. Good luck!

JennaRaek · April 2014

As a FTM who had a drug free delivery... I know how you feel. I had a friend who had a natural delivery by choice, and my SIL had one only because her baby came fast and there was no time for an epi. My friend said it was great (other than she pushed for 3 hrs. Ouch!) and my SIL said, "Don't be a hero. Get the drugs." I agree with some PPs... just ignore the people who don't support your decision. Just brush it off. My DH and I never took a birthing class or anything and after 16 hrs, our son was born. If you want to do it, I believe you can. Your body was made to have babies. My OB and midwife were on board when I said I wanted to try med free. They supported me. My advise is to tell your OB/midwife/nurses that you want to go med free and to not talk about an epi unless you bring it up. I hope they respect you! I know mine did and I had a great experience. I plan on going med free again (whenever that day happens). Good luck!! You CAN do it!!

DebateThis · April 2014

Stop telling people. Seriously. I knew I was comfortable with my decision and had spent a lot of time preparing for it; I didn't need to tell the world my plan. If someone asked directly or tried the "don't be a hero- get the epi!" line, I told them that I had no interest in either heroics OR an epidural and that generally shut them up quick.

Rogue237 · April 2014

Totally understand - everyone has an opinion. All you need is your coach's support and to be educated and confident yourself. I don't bring it up much unless directly asked. To PP's point, women have given birth long before epidurals were invented, so the idea of "women can't without an epi" is ridiculous. Also - if you're as stubborn as I am - remember all of these "you can't don't it" and "just wait - you'll be begging for an epi" comments mid labor to help get you through

mrsblueeyes · April 2014

Smile and nod, smile and nod. I just never volunteered the information until after the baby was born. You've got this covered and you have a supportive husband and have done your research!

wintersong139 · April 2014

I totally agree. While I understand why families feel so invested in the birth of a new family member, I am baffled as to why a coworker or neighbor would think its okay to judge. (Not that its okay to judge a family member, either, but you know what I mean.)

wintersong139 · April 2014

This is why I will not tell my MIL that we want a home birth--I may not even tell her after the baby is born, I might just let her assume it was in the hospital unless she asks point-blank!

MommyAtty · April 2014

It never occurred to me to discuss it with anyone. But then, in my family, natural birth really is the norm. The only time I would respond is if someone told me to get an epidural. Then I would respond it wasn't my plan but I would if I needed to. I didn't ever get strident about it. The upside is that now when I tell people I had my baby naturally, they are awe-struck. Since I'm about to have #2, people ask if I plan to do it again naturally and I tell them yes. Seriously, labor was significantly less bad than a bad migraine. And I got a gorgeous baby out of it!

Kfran84 · April 2014

My family, even my husband, thought I was crazy. In a weird way, it made me even more determined. No one was rude or belittling to me, it was just more raised eyebrows and, "Are you sure about that??" To which I just said I was going to try med free, which is all you can really do.

Don't let them get you down! Read the Ina May book recommended by pp's. I rad it over and over when I'd get scared or doubtful.

sjs1013 · April 2014

Lurker here, but I'd like to chime in.

I 100% agree that for thousands of years, women gave birth naturally. Women used to give birth in the fields and then go right back to work. Clearly, it's possible.

Both of our (my and H's) mothers had natural, unmedicated births. My mom was induced and did not have pain medication. H's mom delivered twins vaginally without any pain medication and didn't tear or have an episiotomy.

darkangel42 · April 2014

No-one's really asked me about it apart from the very closest family who are mostly in support of a natural birth this time around. I chose a birth centre with a birthing pool, staffed by experienced midwives who have an "in emergencies, the hospital is 2 minutes that-a-way" plan. Husband said whatever makes me happy is fine and is on board with making me breather and letting me fidget to my heart's content.

I wasn't given many choices with my first and ended up having a Hellish time in hospital after being given a drug I'm allergic to (I did tell them beforehand but what do I know). I don't want that again. I know it hurts like a bitch but what's a few hours ouch in the grand scheme of things? If I hadn't been reacting badly to the meds, I could have done breathing exercises and found a comfortable position to deliver in, both of which would have brought down the pain level considerably (this theory has been backed up by a midwife) rather than spending the birth strapped down on my back, vomiting and feeling drunk because of the meds they gave me.

At the end of the day, it's your body so you get to say how you get your baby out of it. It's going to hurt but you already know that and still decided that's how you want it. PPs are right, it's what we're designed for and we got along just fine for hundreds, if not thousands, of years before epidoodles came along.

stripes82 · April 2014

You do not need drugs, I had my first baby naturally. But beware nothing will prepare you for the pain of labour...nothing! Talk to others about what technique they used for their contractions to stay relaxed. Mine was to count out the seconds so I knew when it would be over lol

To those that want to use a birthing unit instead of a hospital. Make sure you are aware of everything that can go wrong and when you should be transferred to a hospital, also how far away the hospital is.

I had to be transferred, I was left in sever pain for 2 hours longer than I should have been and then the closest hospital was 1 hour away. My rose coloured classes cleared in the ambulance when I was thanking god that my baby was not the one in need of attention.

I still think that the reason my baby stayed relaxed, happy and not stressed during 4 hours of stage 2 was because I had not had any drugs.

nursekatie47 · April 2014

That negativity fuelled me (I'm a sucker for competition) to have an unmedicated birth. I also did HypnoBirthing classes and read positive stories and spoke with others that had done it, but that need to prove them all wrong really kept me going.

I had a home birth the second time and at the time I was a nurse in a pediatic ICU and my coworkers were very unsupportive. I knew the statistics and what could potentially happen and I knew my midwife was more then prepared, so I never let it bother me. When we had a baby come in that was a home birth transfer to hospital after (there was only 1 my entire pregnancy and none before since I had started working there) I agreed that they needed to come in and said look the midwife did the right thing!

RennFaireGirl · April 2014

FTM here and I'm planning on a natural child birth. My husband was a little reluctant about it but decided that he was on board with whatever made me happy. Then we took a few classes and like one of the PP said, when he saw all the possible side effects and how one intervention leads to another, he's 100% on board-I couldn't be more excited! Whenever someone tells me that I don't want to give birth naturally or cloth diaper, I tell them how nice it is to meet someone who finally understands me better than me, I mean I've only known myself for 33 years so I'm sure you have a much better grasp of who I am as a person and what motivates me! My husbands cousin gave birth to twins in December and she told me to enjoy the experience and not the pain. I told her I was planning on doing both. I have no idea what makes people think they have any right to ask about how you're planning on pushing YOUR baby out of YOUR vagina, so I try to shame them any way I can to drive this point home. Surround yourself with like minded people, or at least open minded people, and read! Good luck! You can do it!

BabyShahmirza · April 2014

Love it, and using it!!!

RennFaireGirl said:

Whenever someone tells me that I don't want to give birth naturally or cloth diaper, I tell them how nice it is to meet someone who finally understands me better than me,

selahjude · April 2014

I'm a FTM too, and I'm planning on the natural experience myself. I met a TON of skepticism, even from people who meant well. After a while I came to realize that this is a personal choice for me, my reasons are solid (this isn't an ego boost), and it doesn't matter what anyone says because I'm the one who's going to do it, not them! That being said, surrounding myself with positive birth stories and talking to women who are encouraging has done my heart good. I also recommend Ina May's Guide to Childbirth to anyone who wants a natural birth. Hang tight lady, you can do this!

XanthJ · April 2014

I am FTM and have been planning a natural birth. I have been considering it but have really come to my mind the past month. My H is completely supportive of me and my mother as well. I do have people that are close tell me that I should take the drugs and it's so hard with out an epi. Even an aunt who had natural at a young age said she recommended me to get an epi. I have researched a lot online and asked any women I know about natural birth.my mind is mean tally prepared and I would say that it's the most important part. I have researched other forms of delivery just to have and idea of what could happen' if something went wrong. Thanks for all the inspiration!'

meganbwatson · April 2014

I felt the same way you do. Honestly it's no one else's business. As long as you and your husband are both all for it, then not one other damn person matters.
The book recommendation for Ina May is good. Also I recommend taking a birthing class called The Bradley Method. DH and I are taking it currently (I am 29 weeks). It helps provide that extra support you are looking for and helps eliminate any concerns or fears you might have.
Best of luck!

XanthJ · April 2014

Thank you so much for the support and information, I will defiantly be looking into it all. & Best of luck to you as well!

violobo · April 2014

I already wanted to go natural and unmedicated. My H was a little skeptical. But then we watched The Business of Being Born, and he was in. After that, talking to others about our decision seemed easier when either of us said it was OUR decision, not just mine. After a beautiful and perfect (but not necessarily according to plan) natural and unmedicated birth, he will tell anyone who will listen about the benefits of birth as nature intended it. Go for it!

MrsLillyG · April 2014

I don't really like the argument "but women have been doing it for a long time" because there are a lot of things in the modern science that benefit people.

I plan on going unmedicated in a hospital with an ob, I am not doing this bc women have been doing this for a long time. I am not getting an epidural mainly because I would like to be able to move around to the positions that I feel most comfortable in for labor and I would like to be able to move around after delivery. There are obviously other benefits such as epidurals can affect the mothers blood pressure, the baby's heart rate, you have a higher chance of needing petocin (which increases chance of needing a c section), shivering, respiratory depression, headaches, nausea, body aches can result.

so you could ramble on all the benefits on just ignore those people.

BabyShahmirza · April 2014

meganbwatson said:

Also I recommend taking a birthing class called The Bradley Method. DH and I are taking it currently (I am 29 weeks). It helps provide that extra support you are looking for and helps eliminate any concerns or fears you might have. Best of luck!

I am also planning on taking Bradley Method classes. Good to know they're helping you feel more prepared!

skipitgood · April 2014

I'm a FTM and I learned really fast to not share my desire for a natural birth with anyone but close friends and family. I've had a few people surprise me, including one friend who had no desire for natural/waterbirth, but has been amazing in hooking me up with others who went the natural route. And I was really surprised by my mom, who is about as far from a crunchy, granola person as you can get, but had me and my sister naturally, in a birth center no less! She was shocked when I told her that natural birth is so far out of the mainstream nowadays that it's hard to find people who've gone through it.

My advice would be, surround yourself with people who are supportive (including a midwife/OB -I had to change practices for this reason), don't mention it to anyone who you think won't support you, and know that our bodies are designed for this I'm so grateful for modern medicine and what it can do for women during pregnancy/birth, but I also know, that barring rare complications, I got this!

Love reading everyone's great stories and supportive comments. It's great motivation!

aliandchris · April 2014

I've had a child both ways: one with no pain meds and one with a perfectly placed epidural. Med free birth is an amazing challenge but no one can tell you what is right for you. Do I think the medications have a negative long term impact on the child? No. But do they change your birth experience? Definitely.

H&H2014 · May 2014

It's so sad that going med free is met with such skepticism and sometimes ridicule. I stopped telling people as well. I've been reading Ina May's book and educating myself on the options.

If you haven't, I suggest watching the Business of Being Born. I thought it was about how much money is spent on baby stuff but it is not - it is all about how as a society we have no qualms accepting a rising c-section rate and how hospital protocols don't always work in your best interest. The interventions being given are driving the c-section rate - when it all could have been completely avoided.

Educate yourself, there's a ton of great stuff out there. I like this site as well https://www.birthlore.com/pregnancy-handouts/.

Best to all on your natural births!

Lizbyb · May 2014

Like the PPs, we just didn't really bring it up. But if it did come up, we'd stress the amount of preparation we were doing. We took the Bradley method, which is 12 weeks, 3 hours a week. That gave people something to consider as well. If we were doing that much prep, it didn't seem as scary!

HNRomance · May 2014

I am a FTM. My son was just born 4/20 and I got all the same reactions that you are getting, except my family was supportive but my co-workers and clients were very skeptical if not downright condescending. The best thing is to arm yourself with knowledge and make sure you have a location and labor team that will support what you need/want. When people told me to get the drugs I would calmly just say "no, we are going natural, there are too many risks and side-effects that I am uncomfortable with. I didn't spend 9 months without meds to drug my baby at the finish line." That usually shuts people up. We went to a hospital that was an hour away (there are 3 others closer) just because they had a huge midwife group and were more supportive of med-free natural birth. My DH was even really skeptical at first until he started going to our appts which were part of a group of women and their menfolk due at the same time as us. They build classes into the appts and brought in speakers on BF, infant CPR and newborn care as well as covering all sorts of topics. The guys all got to be part of the conversations and info too. Now my DH is very vocal about the birth process and natural childbirth. We pretty much just labored alone (they checked on us occassionally) and called the nurse and midwife in to deliver us. I got a book on the Bradley Method which did help. DH and I did some exercises and practice at home. The biggest thing is believing you can do it and to hell with everyone else. I had 20 hours of back labor but my son came out healthy and perfect at 9lbs and 21 inches. I had a little labial tear but nothing bad. The nurses couldn't believe how well LO and I recovered after the birth and I totally attribute that to allowing my body to go through it naturally. If you don't interfere with your body by getting meds the outcome is so much better. It's just fear of the unknown, labor is perfectly normal and your body is designed to do it. Get educated and stick to your guns, you will feel in control and you can do it!!

highbornhunter · May 2014

HNRomance said:
"no, we are going natural, there are too many risks and side-effects that I am uncomfortable with. I didn't spend 9 months without meds to drug my baby at the finish line."

I love that! - New to this board, just found it today. I am planning to go natural because I don't want to end up having a c-section, and everything I've read and heard seems to indicate that epidural leads to pitocin leads to c-section. I also read Ina May's book and I especially love all the positive stories in the beginning. The rest of the book made me nervous about having to fight to give birth they way I will want to at the hospital. My DH has my back on this though, we are both willing to do and try anything so I don't end up under the knife.

One of my friends who has a child already said to me this weekend "Oh you say that now..." when I said I wanted to go drug-free. Luckily I have a large group of friends in my church who are very supportive of me giving birth naturally.

caligirldar · May 2014

I learned this when my SIL was pregnant and telling everyone she was delivering at a birth center and not the hospital... Now that I am pregnant and the same people that were horrible to her about are asking me what type of birth I'm having, I am just very short with them. I just say oh just a normal birth. And I don't tell them my plans of a home birth. The only ones I will tell I am having a home birth are my friends that I already know support it. We are even keeping it secret from my DH's family. Some people just don't understand.

luvU2theMoon · May 2014

this was me 100% my boyfriend was so supportive and he was the best to have by my side. But i didnt get a good reaction from everyone else. its sad that no one thinks about birth as a natural process anymore. we get negative feedback for something that is supposed to be natural. Just keep your positive feelings about what your doing and dont let their words get to you. your going to be so proud when your holding your baby and everything they say will mean nothing to you then. Good Luck!

dheier1221 · May 2014

Don't let any one tell you otherwise birth is a choice it is you and your partners choice but ultimately yours. I have had a child both ways. with my first child I had pain meds and with my last child I did it drug free it was painful and at times a little scary to deal with the pain however it is a sacred experience that only you can have with your child and you will carry it with you for the rest of your life wear it like a badge of honor. it isnt about proving any thing to anyone it is about the sacred experience. If you want a home delivery don't let anyone talk you out of it- I did and with some of the biggest regret of my life. due to having a pulmonary embolism 5 weeks postpartum I will never be able to see a midwife again or a natural birth, and that home birth I let some uneducated people talk me out of will never happen. You do however need support you CAN DO IT. it isn't for everyone and for alot of women they will never even care but if you feel strongly about something become educated, have a plan a,b,c,d, and e. have a fat check book because your insurance most definitely will not cover this in most cases and be prepared to live with your outcome whether it be phenomenal or grave. Dont ever let the medical system make you feel inferior you are their paycheck. read up on your hospitals protocol that is the wrench that ruins so many births for people.

drpayne · June 2014

I don't run around announcing my birth plans to people. That solved the problem!

Frustrated: My plan to deliver naturally being met with complete skepticism

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