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Working Moms
soonfred
member
Aggressive at daycare/preschool
soonfred
member
in Working Moms
DS is 3.5 years old. He started going to a new daycare right after his 3rd birthday, so he's been there about 6 months now. This new place came highly recommended from friends and coworkers and is known locally to be one of the two best daycare providers in the region. I was impressed at our walk-through about how communication between parents and teachers was stressed, and how all of the teachers exceed the early childhood education standards set by the state for caregivers.
Anyway, the first month or so was rocky. DS's teachers were concerned about his speech development. We had heard this before from his pedi, so we had him evaluated just before starting the school with two EI specialist. Both said his speech was right on par with his age, and his vocabulary was excellent. Even though, DS's teachers said that he got frustrated when the other kids couldn't understand him and the other kids didn't want to play with him. We talked about how, according to 2 speech therapists, there was nothing wrong with him developmentally.
That's the last I heard about it until a month ago, at our parent-teacher conference. Evidently DS has had some major behavior issues, which include crashing into other kids purposefully, hitting, pushing, etc. This all came as a surprise to me because every day I got a good report about DS's day. The most negative thing would be like "oh, we had to talk about keeping hands to ourselves" or something along those lines. But most of it was just like side comments about his day. So I was surprised when the conference was 45 minute run-down of how terribly behaved DS is. Since then, I think his teachers have implemented a limited tolerance policy with him. He's getting sent to the director's office at least once a day for 20ish minutes at a time for behavior infractions. Last week I was called at work a few times when he was sent to the office. They talk to him about how he needs to be safe with the other kids, etc.
Here's the thing - he's not like this at home. We go to the park daily and he's overly nice to the other kids with sharing, helping out little ones, etc. He can get crazy at times, but he's a 3.5 yo boy that needs to run a lot to get his energy out (he always has been this way - he needs lots of gross motor or he gets crazy, and we've communicated this with his teachers). We had his 4 yo cousin who he rarely sees come and stay with us this weekend, and the kids got along swimmingly. They were considerate of each others' feelings and there were no aggressive infractions.
So, I'm at a loss. Here he is at this wonderful daycare and apparently he's a beast there. He comes home telling me he's a "bad boy". I don't think this is good at all - I feel that's a self-fulfilling prophecy. He tells me he doesn't care about getting sent to the office, but he's a super sensitive kid usually and I can tell it bothers him. I don't know if it's a 3 yo thing, if he's bored (he's one of the biggest/oldest kids in the classroom and far beyond most of them academically, according to his teachers), or what. I've talked to the director about moving him up to the 3-5 yo room, but there's no space. I'm just tired of dreading pick up and drop off because of the continuous bad reports. And, it seems like his teachers are fed up with him. I don't know if I'm being uber sensitive, but they've been treating me more coldly. I don't know if they're treating DS the same way, since he's a "bad" kid, you know? I feel like I really want to throw in the towel and just send him back to his old daycare before he's kicked out for his behavior.
Sorry for the long story. I was just wondering if anyone has any experience similar to this, and if they stuck it out just a little longer (to get over 3 or to an older room) or if they'd pull their kid out.
Anyway, the first month or so was rocky. DS's teachers were concerned about his speech development. We had heard this before from his pedi, so we had him evaluated just before starting the school with two EI specialist. Both said his speech was right on par with his age, and his vocabulary was excellent. Even though, DS's teachers said that he got frustrated when the other kids couldn't understand him and the other kids didn't want to play with him. We talked about how, according to 2 speech therapists, there was nothing wrong with him developmentally.
That's the last I heard about it until a month ago, at our parent-teacher conference. Evidently DS has had some major behavior issues, which include crashing into other kids purposefully, hitting, pushing, etc. This all came as a surprise to me because every day I got a good report about DS's day. The most negative thing would be like "oh, we had to talk about keeping hands to ourselves" or something along those lines. But most of it was just like side comments about his day. So I was surprised when the conference was 45 minute run-down of how terribly behaved DS is. Since then, I think his teachers have implemented a limited tolerance policy with him. He's getting sent to the director's office at least once a day for 20ish minutes at a time for behavior infractions. Last week I was called at work a few times when he was sent to the office. They talk to him about how he needs to be safe with the other kids, etc.
Here's the thing - he's not like this at home. We go to the park daily and he's overly nice to the other kids with sharing, helping out little ones, etc. He can get crazy at times, but he's a 3.5 yo boy that needs to run a lot to get his energy out (he always has been this way - he needs lots of gross motor or he gets crazy, and we've communicated this with his teachers). We had his 4 yo cousin who he rarely sees come and stay with us this weekend, and the kids got along swimmingly. They were considerate of each others' feelings and there were no aggressive infractions.
So, I'm at a loss. Here he is at this wonderful daycare and apparently he's a beast there. He comes home telling me he's a "bad boy". I don't think this is good at all - I feel that's a self-fulfilling prophecy. He tells me he doesn't care about getting sent to the office, but he's a super sensitive kid usually and I can tell it bothers him. I don't know if it's a 3 yo thing, if he's bored (he's one of the biggest/oldest kids in the classroom and far beyond most of them academically, according to his teachers), or what. I've talked to the director about moving him up to the 3-5 yo room, but there's no space. I'm just tired of dreading pick up and drop off because of the continuous bad reports. And, it seems like his teachers are fed up with him. I don't know if I'm being uber sensitive, but they've been treating me more coldly. I don't know if they're treating DS the same way, since he's a "bad" kid, you know? I feel like I really want to throw in the towel and just send him back to his old daycare before he's kicked out for his behavior.
Sorry for the long story. I was just wondering if anyone has any experience similar to this, and if they stuck it out just a little longer (to get over 3 or to an older room) or if they'd pull their kid out.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Aggressive at daycare/preschool
We were similarly blown away at our first parent-teacher conference at DD's first preschool. She was pretty tame for a 3 year old, but didn't fit into their narrow definition of obedient child. She can be defiant at times, but typically isn't "bad." But they came at us with an ultimatum at the fall conference that we needed to straighten her out immediately or they were going to kick her out. And shockingly, after having a few conversations with DD, we DID get her to straighten out at school (which is sad that they couldn't have talked to us in a less confrotational setting earlier more than the single sentences of the kind you heard at pickup). But the director still wasn't pleased, because I think she had decided DD was a bad kid by then and nothing would be good enough. We struggled through the rest of the school year (because we were obligated by a very sided contract with the school to pay in a lump sum for the rest of the school year if we left for any reason), and then moved her last June. But for the rest of the year it's like we could feel that most of the teachers were cold to her because they had such a rocky start, even when she was better. And even if she had had another classroom to move into (the school director was adamant that she would not move DD to another classroom), I think the particular director would have continued to taint our experience.
And the new school was really a blessing. They're more relaxed and the teachers' and administrators' style doesn't immediately get up DD's hackles. She seems so much more relaxed there, like she can feel that the adults don't have a visceral problem with her.
I don't think changing schools is necessarily "throwing in the towel" - you have six months under your belt, and the school isn't working for your family (you OR your son). Do you feel comfortable waiting out a few more months to move your son up to the next room? Presumably there will be older kids moving on in June or July. Or do you need to move him now? Your gut is probably telling you one or the other. Don't be afraid to listen to it.
A Boy's Room
I should add, too, when I've talked to DS about why he does this stuff, he tells me the other kids are "pushing, pushing, pushing" all the time and not giving him the space he needs. I've talked to his teachers about this, and they say they'll pay attention to the situations, but I have my doubts as DS still complains about it.
You know we've been going through a thing with DS (2.5) where he has started being aggressive at school including hitting teachers when they give him instructions he doesn't want to hear. In our case I see him play aggressively at home also so it wasn't a surprise to me.
They never send him to the office nor do they use that as discipline for kids in his class. Instead they use redirection and instructions on what they want him to do ("gentle hands" and "use your words"). While the teachers are giving me reports, they always emphasize that it's age appropriate, he's fine, but it's something that needs to be worked through.
If my son was being sent to the office and telling me he's a "bad boy" I would move him. And I say that as someone who had to go through a lot to get my son into the school we are at, and I would have to go through a lot to get him into any place else. Long waitlists are the norm in my area.
I don't have too much to add here, but I just learned that our 2.5 year old room uses this form of discipline. My DS came home and told me that one of his friends had to sit in Miss Director's Office. ("On her chair" specified my DS)
I was a bit surprised myself, so I asked a co-worker who used to be a teacher at DS's daycare. She said its not often used for the 2 year olds, but more often for the 3 and 4 year olds. Seems weird to me too.
MMC 3.30.16
- lack of communication. The conference should not have been the first time you are hearing about these problems. These should have been mentioned on the days they are occurring unless the teachers at pick-up are different than the ones during the day. I would stress that I need to know about these things right away. At pick-up I would ask pointed questions such as "Did he have success playing nicely and being gentle today?"
- the phrase "bad boy". We are very careful to differentiate between being a "bad boy" and "making bad choices". I would be concerned that they are either using this language or sending the signal that going to the director = being a bad boy. Removal from a classroom should not be a punishment - it is a chance for a child to calm down, restart if you will. Yes, he is old enough to understand that his behavior was wrong but he should not feel like a "bad boy". I would ask for specific examples of when he is sent to the office and what is being said to him at those times.
- His claim that other kids are pushing. Either the teachers are not watching closely enough or he has learned that needs to say that. I would stress that they need to watch him. If he is the oldest then a lot of kids in the group are probably not very verbal and may be the initiators in trying to take away toys or getting in his space, etc. And, again, being the oldest he is physically the biggest so that's a bad combination. They really need to assess what the triggers and I would specifically ask: "Does he act out when someone takes his toys or doesn't want to share? Does he act out when another child gives unwanted contact like hugs or touching hair?"
The things that don't really bother me are that he is not like that at home (others noted that kids can act VERY differently, I'm seeing that with my oldest and Kindergarten), and the language assessments - my niece was assessed as borderline fine by IE but noone in my family can understand even half of her speech other than my sister. That will improve.
If they would be willing to work with you on the points above I would consider staying a couple of months to get to the older group. However, I agree it's also important to trust your gut - do the teachers greet him warmly when he comes? Do they tell you specific good things he did? (Like "he did a great job with the puzzles today" or "he really enjoyed when we read the fireman book"). Does he seem to have friends that he enjoys playing with? If overall your gut tells you to get out - then do so. And let us know how things go!