I love my best friend but....

Robeano · May 2014

Okay my best friend lived with us while we were going through our 3 year journey to get pregnant, had three losses and then finally got pregnant with Hannah. She got married and moved out when I was about 5 months pregnant.

So her and her husband are ready to start having children, yay. They have been trying since February ish. So now you have the back story.

So she called me upset yesterday b/c she wasn't pregnant, she had thought for sure that it would be since she was 10 days late. I do understand the disappointment of not being pregnant. But she has made comments about how hard it is every month to get your period. Inside I'm like "you've been trying for like 4 months!! Try 3 friggin years!" But I don't say that, I comfort her cuz I know it's hard. It's just really frustrating b/c I've had a few people who are "struggling" to get pregnant (think less than a year) commiserate with me b/c I "know" what they're going through. Part of me is so frustrated inside (hence why I'm posting this, hoping to get it out of my system). The worst part about all this, when I was struggling to get pregnant she was sort of supportive, but since she didn't understand how much it sucks to go through pregnancy issues she wasn't really THAT supportive. And now I'm expected to be super duper supportive after 4 months, and might I add, they are not even ACTIVELY trying.

I dunno, I do understand that pregnancy is such an emotional issue, but I feel like since I went through so much I "deserve" a special sort of grief and frustration that other people aren't "allowed". Am I crazy?!

kmc84 · May 2014

((hugs)) no, you are not crazy. Even if you take away your personal struggle and just look at the knowledge you have, it can be so frustrating! We all know more about the chances and what it actually takes to conceive than some OB/GYNs. Everyone seems to think, "well, i'll pull the goalie and I should get knocked up!" Most people just have NO idea that on any given cycle a fertile couple only has a 20% chance.

I had co workers try and get my sympathies after trying for 3 WHOLE months after they were all well aware of we had been through. *sigh*

Maybe you can gently tell her something like 'I know you are upset that you are not pregnant yet, but please remember that we went through years of trying and several losses. It can be hard on me to hear you so frusterated so soon. Maybe if you read TCOYF it will help you understand what is normal and what might help you concieve faster.'

TJ1979 · May 2014

Ugh, big hugs R. I also have a co-worker who likes to "vent" to me about not being KU yet 3 months after her wedding. Because I've been there, and understand her pain. I'm sorry, but it's just not comparable. Not even close to the same thing.
I agree with @kmc84. Suggest TCOYF to her. It shocks me sometimes how little people actually know about fertility.

Robeano · May 2014

LeahB12 said:

You are not crazy. I would say this, "I know it's very disappointing to not yet be pregnant. Try to remember that it can take a healthy couple up to a year to get pregnant. It sucks but it's just the way it is."

I did tell her that, she seemed surprised. Cuz after years of trying to prevent everybody thinks they'll get pregnant first try

ColleenS629 · May 2014

Yea... my aunt decided I needed to know that my cousin got pregnant the first time they "pulled the goalie" for baby #2... they were surprised because it took them SO long to get pregnant with #1 (a whole 5 months). I just looked at her and said "5 months? That is not a long time."

MoFree · May 2014

It always amazes me how little people know about fertility. I concur with the recommendation of TCOYF and a reminder that it's only in soap operas (or my former BMB) that couples always conceive their first month TTC.

I don't know if I would have been so patient, though, if a friend had complained to me like that. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, she probably just doesn't get it.

luvboston · May 2014

I would give her a swift kick in the ass! People need to be reminded that others may have it worse.

queenbone · May 2014

No, you aren't crazy. That would annoy me to no end. I think you are being very diplomatic about the whole thing.

Mrs.AmyDylan · May 2014

Umm...I would be really freaking annoyed. I don't think I could have been as nice as you.

However, I would be really authentically happy for my BFF if she got pregnant the first month. She has been searching endlessly for Mr. Right. I swear she is having the IF version of finding a decent husband. At almost 36 she is running out of time to meet him, date, get married, and get pregnant.

Mnerani · May 2014

Mrs.AmyDylan said:

Umm...I would be really freaking annoyed. I don't think I could have been as nice as you.

However, I would be really authentically happy for my BFF if she got pregnant the first month. She has been searching endlessly for Mr. Right. I swear she is having the IF version of finding a decent husband. At almost 36 she is running out of time to meet him, date, get married, and get pregnant.

I second what PPs have said about your situation being super frustrating. I do try to remember stuff like this. EVERYONE has the "IF version" of something in their lives. I have several amazing friends who can't find a decent partner, and other friends who've lost kids, etc. To your friend, this does seem like a big struggle, because it's unexpected, scary, and she doesn't have a lot of information. If it legitimately does take a long time for them to conceive, she'll need a friend to talk to about it, and she'll also have more appreciation for what you've been through. In the meantime, I'm sorry you have to put up with it

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