Advice for my friend... what would you do

jaztastic · May 2014

My BFF eloped in February, to her on again off again guy who she had been dating for the past 18yrs. Anyway... she was never really the domestic, get married and have kids type, but recently has been talking about the thought of children. She mentioned to me that she doesnt think she can have any kids because she hasnt been on BC several years now, and it just hasnt happened. She has never been pregnant that she has known of.

She knows all too well about my IF, she is one of the people I unload on about everything. In any event, I dont know how much I should pry or how much advice I should give. She is 33, and in my opinion doesnt have the luxury of just "not trying but not preventing" anymore. She wants to know that they can get pregnant, but isnt at the place of actively trying right now. But I think thats because most woman just assume when they are ready they can just have sex like rabbits and in a few months be pregnant.

Clearly I feel after my history, that I could be an expert in this matter, but I dont want things to become weird between us. Coming to terms with IF is hard, and Im worried I'll "advise" her out of our relationship. But there is a part of me that wants to say. Ok first you need to start charting, and temping everyday, and sign up for fertility friend, and then you should go to the doctor and have them do a this test, and that test, and the other test, and then you need to tell your husband he needs to get checked out.

Im so torn. I dont want to over share, but I dont want to leave her in the dark either. I dont want every conversation we have to be me bothering her again. But I dont think she understands the urgency, and how so many of us wish we did things differently in the beginning. What would you do?

KT416 · May 2014

Has she been using protection at all for the last several years? That would concern me if they haven't used any protection and haven't had an oops, even if they are not charting and timing it-- I would think that it would have just happened.

I would ask her if you she wants your advice and you can feel her out to how much info is too much. I would give her the basics at the moment (charting and timing) because you don't want to overwhelm her. It sounds like she already knows all the steps that you went through but a broad reminder could be helpful if she wants it. I would encourage her to start figuring out when she ovulates as the first step though.

Spring78 · May 2014

I think you can start by feeling out just how serious she is about it. If she hasn't totally made up her mind that she wants this yet, it may put her off if you come on too strong. But if she is beyond idle interest and really does want to have a child, I think if it were me I would be upfront about asking what she wants/is ready to accept from you in terms of support/advise. She may be receptive and she may not be. I think you should be ready to back off at a moments notice if she starts to go into overload... We all know how overwhelming this can be. If it were me, I would be honest, upfront and leave the lines of communication open, but be careful not to push. It is her journey, after all, and she needs to make it herself -- but that doesn't mean you can't be there to support her & share your wisdom & experience along the way. Hopefully, she will be grateful to have you as an excellent resource! But for the sake of the friendship, I'd say you need to let her let you know what she is able/ready to accept from you. Good luck!!

jaztastic · May 2014

@KT416 thats exactly the issue... she hasnt been all that religious with protection, and recent year not any, and the lack of a oopps baby is what got us both started on the conversation. I gave the whole you need to chart/temp. But she seemed really uninterested in that information, like it was just way too much work involved. Which I get to a certain extent. Like if all I want to know is "can" we get pregnant, why do all the extra work. It would mean more to her if she was actively trying at the moment.

Lillovebug79 · May 2014

I know at first, I had a friend who tried to tell me that I needed to temp/chart and it really rubbed me the wrong way. I had no desire to temp and I still don't, it isn't for everyone. I felt more comfortable paying attention to my body without a thermometer. I checked for CM, did OPKs, and luckily I had pretty severe O cramping. I tried to have sex at least every other day during my fertile window. If she isn't open to going all out and temping/charting, maybe tell her to start off by doing OPKs or looking at her last few cycle lengths and having unprotected sex around when she may be fertile. I would definitely educate her on the different phases of her cycle if she doesn't know already. Most women assume they ovulate at the 1/2 way point in their cycle and don't understand the LP phase is a fairly set time. I would also encourage her to try that for a few months and if doesn't work, maybe see her doctor. I agree with PP that not using birth control for a couple years most likely would lead to an oops at some point if there isn't any issue.

almostamissus · May 2014

I think everyone has given great advice. But, I think if I was in your position, I would suggest she talk to her doctor asap. I'd gently point out while it can be normal to take that long it really does point to something bigger going on (even without charting and such). Then follow her lead. Maybe she says she doesn't care about it enough to see a doctor. Maybe she says she knows she should, but she's too nervous/scared/whatever. But it any case, it opens the conversation up, points out how serious it is and let's her know you're up for discussing it.
And I would make it a point to follow up with her to see if she had seen her doctor and if she had questions for you afterwards.

Pintobean39 · May 2014

If it were my best friend I'd give her my copy of "Taking Charge of your fertility" and tell her it helped me a lot in the beginning and then get a feel about how much she wanted to talk about it.

Milagros315 · May 2014

I don't know. To me it sounds like you've done all that you can do. She expressed a concern to you and you used your experience and knowledge to tell her about one of the best things she can do for herself at this point - charting. If she thinks that is too much work, then I would imagine she's not ready to invest the time in infertility testing and treatment. So maybe talking about that could be your next step, but it sounds like she may have a general idea of what's involved based on what you've been through.

I think you're a good friend for wanting to try to spare her from all of this, but I feel like she has to get to the point of wanting to take the next steps on her own. IMO, the best thing that you can do is be there for her when she's ready.

chicory · May 2014

I think I tend to agree with @Milagros315‌. It sounds as if your friend isn't ready to dive in to the world that is infertility treatment. Knowing what you know, it's understandable to be concerned for her and to worry that she may be "losing time." But it's not your job to check her biological clock for her and it won't be your fault if down the road she is unable to become pregnant. I think I myself would be slightly or even very offended if a friend seemed like they were being pushy with my fertility progress. That being said, if I were you I also would feel uncomfortable saying nothing. Perhaps just being there if/when she needs you is the right thing? Good luck.

jaztastic · May 2014

@Rumbera28‌ and that's how we are are with each other. We don't really have boundaries or maybe we ignore them. I'm just so used to being invasive and blunt with her. I may end up doing a combo of all the advise you guys gave me. I need her to see that in fertility terms she doesn't have too many premium yrs left, and getting started sooner than later is best... Then perhaps leaving it alone until she comes to me.

Mozzarella13 · May 2014

jaztaz1 said:

@Rumbera28‌ and that's how we are are with each other. We don't really have boundaries or maybe we ignore them. I'm just so used to being invasive and blunt with her. I may end up doing a combo of all the advise you guys gave me. I need her to see that in fertility terms she doesn't have too many premium yrs left, and getting started sooner than later is best... Then perhaps leaving it alone until she comes to me.

Yes, this exactly. I think if that's how your friendship works, that's a perfect balance!

jjgrl55 · May 2014

I have a friend in a similar situation. Her and her DH have been NTNP for around 8 years with no results. So she is pretty sure something is wrong, but has specifically said she isn't ready for testing and everything that comes with IF. It can be frustrating for me, because I want to help her out and am worried she will run out of time hoping for a miracle, but I constantly remind myself that she has to get there on her own terms. I do make sure to keep an open dialogue with her about my experiences with TTC and now with IF testing so that she can maybe see that information is power and be inspired by my example to take charge of her own fertility.

I think you are doing everything you can right now, and shouldn't feel guilty at all for not going further. Just keep being a supportive friend.

BunnyBerry · May 2014

It must be tough knowing that your friend is at risk for having a really hard time getting pregnant, especially if she waits longer! PPs have great ideas. I wish someone had gotten a little tough me with earlier so I didn't spend 5 years in silly optimism - even my GYN didn't really say much after I said "we're just not quite ready to worry about it yet", but the thing is, we only felt that way because we didn't realize what a big deal it was. Personally, I would have appreciated someone (or several someones!) being more insistent to make sure I really understood my situation, to make sure I was making a fully informed decision by still waiting. Good luck!

KT416 · May 2014

Yeah, I think you received great advice and a combination would work well. I think you should encourage her to see a doctor (even if it's even just her regular doc) and have her find out if she ovulates at the very least. Good luck!

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