Keeping the memory of lost loved ones alive

alisonc87 · May 2014

A week ago, my mom thought she had the flu. By Tuesday she finally went to the ER and ended up being taken by helicopter to a bigger hospital 2 hours away because she was deteriorating so quickly. Turns out she had sepsis, and whatever cause the infection was antibiotic resistant. The meds caused irreparable blood clots so she would have lost most of her left arm had she made it through, and it turned out she had uterine cancer that was spreading so quickly and was atypical, so her prognosis would have been poor even if we could have taken care of the infection. In the midst of all of this, I was admitted to the hospital due to some cramping, and they were worried about my stress level. A week ago my mom was healthy, and planning to take care of our little one when I go back to work after maternity leave, and on Saturday we had to make the decision to take her off life support. So yesterday, once all of our family could be there we let her go.With all that background I have questions for any of you with any experiences similar.

For anyone has experienced a loss of a close friend or family member, how did you cope with that stress? I am losing my mind, and I can feel when I become upset that it is impacting the baby. When I feel my anxiety level go up, she goes kicking wild in there. Also, I have had trouble eating and drinking, and that leaves me feeling a little weak, and of course I know that when my blood sugar goes down, hers does too. I have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday but I am looking for more practical "been there, done that" advice than clinical doctor's orders of eat and drink plenty and get lots of sleep.

For those of you that have lost a parent that was a big part of your life, (my mom and I spoke at least 2-3 times a day, and saw each other almost every day) how did you keep that memory of your parent alive for your little one? It is so important to me for this baby to know what a wonderful woman her Meme was. This is the first official grandchild (My mom watches two little ones that are like grandchildren to my parents, and their mom is like another daughter to them) so there aren't even going to be older siblings with memories to share.

Finally, the baby's name is going to be Catherine after my mom. (planned for the first daughter we have before we even thought about trying to get pregnant) My mom went by Cathy and occasionally Catherine, and the baby will be called Cate, but I want to keep Catherine alive as her name as well. Did anyone name a child after someone who passed (before or after the baby was born) and then has trouble even saying the name? I worry that since she will be born in only about 4 months, it will still be fresh enough to be bittersweet for me.

Sorry for rambling, but it has been weighing on me all day, and I thought there wasn't a much better place to go for insight.

RedBaramid · May 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. DH and I are blessed and still have all of our parents, so I have yet to experience this kind of heartache. The closest pain I imagine would probably have to be my grandfather, who stepped in and fathered me when mine disappeared in my childhood. I lost him 2 years ago. It was devastating and sudden/unexpected. If this little minion is a boy, he will share his middle name. I get a little weepy when I think about it from time to time still... I imagine it will take a while for me to get through the grief after we announce the name to the family since when DH and I talk about it between ourselves I get a little weepy.

My most sincere advice to help you handle the stress is to try and remember how excited your mother was about this baby, and try to use her happiness about the baby to motivate yourself to keep going. (If you believe in this sort of thing) your mother will be watching out for you and your little girl, and will be absolutely thrilled and honored to share her name. It may be hard, but if it's what you planned I bet your mom would have wanted you to stick with it. Remember that in some way your mother will still be with you every day. Take this as an opportunity to strengthen the growing bound with your growing little one, talk to her about your mother now, start the happy memories and conversations early.

Again I'm so sorry about your sudden loss. I can't imagine going through this without a mother (as a FTM myself). I hope you're able to find some peace.

pshaortao · May 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending many T&Ps your way.

I have not lost a parent yet so it's not really my place to make suggestions on how to deal with stress. As for food, I agree with PP, try eating food that are higher in protein, such as protein bars or shakes. I'm a fan of bolthouse farm protein drinks from Target. I have also seen Safeway carry them (depending on where you're from). Their 32oz bottles has 64g of protein! You could get something more chocolately (soooo good) or something fruity instead. I personally drink the chocolate ones over the course of 3-4 days since I consider it a treat.

As for keeping her memory going, the first thing that came to mind is a scrapbook or memory book of some sort with photos/stories about her. I think that's what I would do. Carrying on her name is a huge thing too.

peanutbuttervibes · May 2014

So sorry for your loss and that you are going through this. My FI lost his mother suddenly in October and it hasn't been easy because of what a huge part of our lives she was. Some days are better than others but it has still been a struggle. It makes me sad to think she will never see us get married or have another child but I try and remember that she will, just not with us. DS is still too young to understand but we keep a picture of her above his bed and every night he says goodnight to her. Whenever we have a really good day I like to think she has a part in it. I love that you are naming your daughter after her and think that you will be able to find happiness when talking to your daughter rather than sadness. Loss is tough and I wish I could be more help but I think it's also something we all deal with differently. Prayers for you and your family at this difficult time.

whitney4126 · May 2014

So sorry for your loss, especially when youre pregnant. I don't really have any advice, but I just wanted to say I'd be praying for you.

chardonnay24 · May 2014

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say that I am so, so sorry for your loss.

kirstynikole · May 2014

I am so very sorry for your loss and I can't even begin to imagine the heartache and stress that you're going through. I don't have much insight on this in particular but I just wanted to let you know that I'm sending you lots of positive thoughts and prayers.

teenybean · May 2014

so sorry

MrsLaLaBug · May 2014

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. I think what some of these ladies have already said is amazing advice. I wish you peace and comfort for your heart. I think Catherine(or Cate!)is a beautiful name and a beautiful way to honor your mother. Her memory will always live on in you and your little girl. Thinking of you and your family and sending huge hugs.

CplusJ=S · May 2014

I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you. I have no advice I just wanted to offer my condolences. Sending you huge hugs.

jg1011 · May 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. My dad passed away 4 years ago. Twelve days later DH's dad died too. It was the mot awful time in my life. Both had cancer but were in maintenance treatment and doing well so the downturn caught us off guard. My dad entered the hospital on a Tuesday and died on a Saturday. I had to sign the DNR paperwork and the paperwork to pull him off all support. It was awful.

My DH's dad got up one night in the middle of the night and died in the bathroom. He had internal bleeding caused from the cancer. No one knew. It was awful. DH and I were numb.

I was not pregnant at the time but I do have a pre existing heart condition that is exacerbated by stress and illness. It was hard. I didn't want to eat or drink. For the first couple of days my DH had to remind me. I ate for survival. Protein bar, protein shake, it wasn't much, just enough to get me by. I did loose weight, but eventually I did start to feel hungry again. I know it is hard, but you have to put something even if it is small in your body. Try eating small protein snacks 5-6 times a day. This way you are not eating full meals persay but you are giving baby something.

As for the emotion and stress and depression....wow. I wish I had some better advice. I REALLY struggled. I eventually did seek out help. I ended up on meds for depression for a period of time. I also found bereavement support group very very helpful. It allowed me to grieve with others who understood and helped me to understand the many layers and sages of grief and emotion I was feeling. There are meds you can safely take in pregnancy if you need them. Don't be shy about seeking out help. Lean on friends and family for support. Immediate family (siblings) will be hard. As everyone grieves differently it often causes some tension initially. But find those around you that can be your support system---that shoulder to cry on and ear to listen when needed. DH and I agreed that we would name first DS after our dads if he was a boy. As we were being wheeled into delivery, DH looked at me and said, we can't use Vito. He couldn't bear the thought of the same first name. We used the first letter and chose another boy name. I was very emotional when nurse asked me the baby's name. I sobbed. So did DH. It was so emotional to have this baby and know they both would have been bursting with pride. But now, when we say his name, we know we are keeping them alive and in our DS's life. We work very hard to tell stories and show pictures. DH can identify his Pop Pop and papa in pictures and will often randomly walk over to them and say their names. There are other times I do believe my father and father in law are around us. DS will randomly say their names when playing outside or in his room. I do believe in those moments they are here and do see this amazing child. I think the way you are honoring your mom with you baby's name will be beautiful and you will find peace with it. It won't make you sad forever. I will be thinking of you ad praying for your family. If you need to talk, feel free to PM me.

JSS1002 · May 2014

I am so sorry that this happened - I can't even imagine, not only the reality of losing your mother, but that it happened so fast and unexpectedly with no time to accept her fate.

It isn't the same, but I lost my best friend (well one of my best friends) to cancer when we were 21. She was diagnosed at the end of our soph year of college, and she passed away at the end of our junior year. It was an extremely aggressive and rare form of cancer and she fought it with everything she had, and in the end it was just too much. I -- we -- were all heartbroken and so young that it was insane to think she'd lost her life to an "adult" disease (which we now know isn't, but 15 year ago it was rare for somebody in their 20s to have cancer).

First of all, I still think about her probably every day. My friends and I make sure we talk about her and email about her on occasion, particularly surrounding her birthday and the annivesrary of her death. We talk about funny memories, how kind and funny she was, and her favorite things -- ie, yellow tulips, music she loved, etc.

I am close to her sister still, on purpose - not only because I like her a whole lot, but because I want that connection to her family.

Plant a memory garden this summer, as it is just getting nice enough out... perhaps something that will regrow every year, with stones with her name on it.

As for taking care of yourself... this part is really hard, but you do need to try to stay healthy if for no other reason than your LO. Tell your partner and close friends/family that you're struggling so they know to look out for your eating and hydration and stress level. When you feel the anxiety rising, try to get off your feet and meditate for a few minutes. Maybe look into a Restorative Yoga class if you can find one that is convenient.

Hang in there. I am so sorry.

Irisheyes1247 · May 2014

I'm so very sorry for your loss, I cannot even imagine what you must be feeling. I have no sage advice to give, but I just wanted to offer my heartfelt condolences. I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers ((hugs))

Dawson56 · May 2014

I lost my grandmother when I was pregnant with our daughter 3 years ago. It was so so hard..... I knew in my heart that there was just another angel keeping looking after my baby girl..

LTMama · May 2014

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I don't have any advice but I wish you strength and love through your healing process.

hizah05 · May 2014

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your mother. Especially so quickly. I lost my mother before my son was born. She battled cancer for 3 years and we thought she was holding on. Suddenly she declined and within 2 weeks she was gone. Deal it's knowing she had cancer, I was in shock. Like you, I talked to my mom every single day.

First, take the time you need to grieve. If you work, take time off as much as you can. I took 2 weeks where I just stayed home. I visited family. I worked on my garden (something we both loved, and I rested. This is very important for you being pregnant.
And talk to people if you can. It helps.

I saw someone mentioned a memory garden. I love that but maybe because my mom and I both gardened. She passed away in April so on Mother's Day we planted a tree for her. It was really nice. Now I take my son outside and I talk about her and tell him stories about her. I want him to know her even though she's not here.

I won't be having a girl so we can't use her first or middle names but her maiden name will be this baby's middle name. I still want to honor her in that way.

Again I'm sorry. To me it never gets easier but you learn to live your life a little happier each day. Things that remind me of my mother make me smile more often than cry. Although I won't say I still don't have days where I break down sobbing, because I do. And I think that's ok. Please continue to ask for support where you can get it. And don't ever feel like you should be, "over it" by a certain point or anything like that. Everyone has their own time line and process for grieving.

MrsHamon09 · May 2014

I have no advice to offer but know you are in my T&P. So many ((hugs))

nilvero · May 2014

I'm so sorry. I have never experienced that but a close friend of mine lost her mother right before her son was born. She writes a lot that it is still hard, but also about how much joy her son brought her grieving family. She tells me that she talks to her son all the time about his grandma.

I have no advice to give you, other than to tell you that you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

MrsKasel10 · May 2014

I dont have any advice but sending my condolences. I am so sorry that you lost your mother like that so suddenly. I cannot imagine your pain.Hugs

mrsdanielleM2010 · May 2014

I am so sorry that your Mom is gone, and I offer lots of hugs. I am preparing a photo board book from this website: https://www.pintsizeproductions.com/pintsize_personalized_boardbooks.html and including pictures and names of our family members who have passed or live far away. You might want to do one with pictures of just your Mom for your Cate (and I think her name is a beautiful tribute without being exactly the same and therefore making you sadder). Many good wishes for you and your family. I hope you can stay strong.

A&DPritchett2be · May 2014

I am so sorry for your loss. I don't have any experience or advice, but wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I also love the name Catherine and Cate as a nickname. I think it will be a nice way to honor your mom.

melrob613 · May 2014

First may I say that I am so sorry for what emotional and physical pains you are going through, I was there before.

I'll probably reiterate what others have said. I tried to read them but it's hard through the tears. I lost my mom aka best friend last year. She fought fallopian tube cancer for 5 years. Diagnosed before DD was born, it reoccurred when DS was born, and she graciously gave me this gift of baby Girl after she had passed.
You need to grieve, and no one can tell you the right way to do it. I wasn't pregnant at the time of her passing, but I had a family that I had to take care of and be strong for and that is how I managed to make it through. Plus I talk to my mom every day, and I swear she answers me.
My mom feared she would pass before the kids got too old and was so worried they wouldn't remember her. I swore to her that I would not allow that to happen. We are big on photographs in this family and we have her with the family all over the place. I talk about her frequently to the kids, DD obviously remembers her more than DS, but regardless. She gets mentioned during lots of daily activities (gramma Doris liked this, gramma Doris did that, this was her favorite place, etc). My extended family is also close (mom's mom and brother) so we make it a point to see everyone and continue our family dinner traditions.
Baby girl will also have the middle name of Doreen, which is a blend of mom's name Doris, my dad's mom Dora (passed a few years ago) and Irene, my mom's mom who is still with us.

Best of luck and good thoughts to you and your family at this extremely difficult time in your life.

HorseLover11 · May 2014

I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your mom. I do believe that when loved ones cross over they are still with you. I am sure you will share lots of stories and talk about your mom often to your little girl.

mariaculbreth · May 2014

I am so sorry to hear about your Mom's passing.

Sorry I do not have any advice. Maybe give your daughter something that was your Moms that had a special meaning to her.

emmylu30 · May 2014

I am so sorry for the sudden loss of your mother. I can't imagine the pain you are going through. While I don't have any advice I will keep you, your baby girl and family in my thoughts and prayers.

Milo5181 · May 2014

I am so so so incredibly sorry for your loss. So suddenly, and so close. I cannot imagine. My father died when I was seven and we named our son after him and I love that. My partner Sam thought that it would be hard to have him with the same name, that it would make my mom and me cry every time we heard it. It just doesn't, it's the opposite, it's so wonderful to have a little curly headed Arthur who brings joy to everyone he meets. And I love that he will have that connection with his grandfather whom he has obviously never met.

As far as grieving and stress, it's important to remember that these feelings are so so normal, and unfortunately unavoidable. In fact, it is best not to avoid them: grieving is a process that is healthy and skipping it (trying to remain normal, trying to be stoic) can result in much more pain down the road. My mom did not grieve for my father in a healthy way, she basically plowed forward trying to be strong, and has been dealing with an intractable, heartbreaking depression the past ten years I think because of how she learned to be, and how she didn't learn to adapt, in the years following my dad's death. Grief support groups are important, therapy is important. Secondary to those can be things like exercise or volunteering or just spending time outside--it's harder when you're pregnant, but crazy aimless walks can be extremely beneficial. A wise person once told me, after a more recent loss, to get out there and just walk and it's so true how cathartic it can be, not because of the physical exertion but because it is healthy to just get out there and breathe air and meditate while moving.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you. Many hugs to you and the little babe inside.

beck12803 · May 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. There are no words to describe how much it hurts to lose a parent. And to happen so suddenly, while pregnant. I really hope you find some comfort during this time.

I lost my dad, suddenly, when I was 16. And I cried myself to sleep for weeks. I had no idea how to handle the pain and people saying "I know exactly how you feel" just pissed me off. Then, one night, I had a dream and was on the phone with a telemarketer and put him on hold for a call waiting call. And it was my dad telling me that he was okay, not in pain anymore (he had MS), and that he loved me. It was really what I needed.

My sister was pregnant when he passed away. When my niece was 2-3 years old, she saw a picture of him and called him papa. We asked how she knew that and her cousin was like 3-4 said "we play with him all the time".

Her memory will remain in the most odd places that will, at least for me, cause pain in the beginning then comfort later on. Lean on to those closest to you and please try to take care of yourself and that little baby of yours.

bethybeach · May 2014

so sorry for your loss, can't imagine what you are going through.

I don't have much advice to offer, but you will find many ways to honor and keep her memory alive. Sending many T&Ps your way during this hard time.

dinodna3 · May 2014

I am so very sorry for your loss. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I love the name Catherine and think it is a lovely way to honor your mother.

biokitty42 · May 2014

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice for you, but I wanted to express my condolences. I am so sorry for what you're going through with the passing of your mother. I think it is wonderful that you want to honor her memory by naming your daughter after her. Hugs to you.

bf43005 · May 2014

I am so sorry to hear of the sudden loss of your Mom. It's never easy to lose someone close to you. My Mom battled cancer for about ten years and she passed away just over eleven years ago. It's never easy and it never will be, don't let anyone tell you different. I didn't have to worry about another life when this happened and that's probably for the best because I didn't make the best choices. I didn't handle the stress well for many years and my whole life suffered for it.

I think I finally realized one day that life is for the living and I couldn't dwell on it anymore. Do I miss her, so very much, and she missed and is missing so much of my life that I'm crying just writing this. But I know she loved me, and I loved her. She wouldn't want me to be unhappy in my life.

With all that being said I think it's a wonderful idea to name your daughter after her. Personally I think that would make me smile and find my mother in her when I said her name and not make me upset, but I also have the benefit of more time since she passed away. My FIL passed away last year and we already said his name or my mom's name will be the baby's middle name (once we find out what we are having).

Actual things you can do. Start a letter/journal to your Mom of things that are going on to feel her with you through the rest of the pregnancy. Have a personal memorial for her, like a garden set up where you feel comfortable talking to her. Put together a picture collage to hang in the baby's room so Grandma is always there.

Again, I'm very sorry for your loss. Sending you my thoughts & prayers!

mrsH1112 · May 2014

Im so very sorry for your loss. I cant even imagine what you are going through. What a wonderful tribute to her that you are planning on naming your little girl after her.

LifeofCat · May 2014

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother to cancer a few months ago, and am still very much grieving. I miss her so much; she brought so much life to our family, even in her last days when she was suffering the most. I am sending you much love and strength; please feel free to PM me anytime.

This is a tough time, being pregnant after suffering such a devastating loss; I hope that you're able to take some time off work, I would highly recommend talking about taking a leave with your doctor. I took about a month off and could have used a few more weeks. I felt it was really tough after all of the funeral, and I was left alone with my thoughts. I also meet up with a social worker every month or so (she was partnered with me following my pregnancy loss last summer , but it can be a therapist or someone referred by your doctor).

Use your support system as much as you can, whatever that is; your friends and loved ones love you and want to help you during this difficult time, so don't hesitate to ask them to maybe make a meal, help you with errands, anything...people don't always know what to do but want to help.

Please rest assured that you're doing all that you can. I helped take care of my mother in my early stages of this pregnancy, ie bathing/feeding her, and all is perfectly well with my little lady. You know your limits, listen to your body!

For eating, I agree with PP; if anything, just try to snack as much as you can. I didn't always feel like eating, but kept snacking on nuts/granola bars/fruit etc.

Because this is still so new, I haven't quite ventured down the path of how I will honour my mother, but I will PM you once I think it over. I will definitely talk about her ALL THE TIME to my little lady

Also, Catherine is a beautiful name

and a beautiful way to honour your mother.

Although I do not practice a religion per se (agnostic), I will say that I believe my mother is with me, and on the toughest days, I channel her strength as best I can to move forward. She continues to inspire me every day, even through the tears.

Big (((hugs))) to you, sorry about the long post!

brittneyandadam · May 2014

I don't have any experience with this, but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sending loving and healing thoughts to you and your family *hug*

Blemaro · May 2014

I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

I've never lost a parent but I lost my first DS to preterm labour and he was too early to survive.

These are the things that helped me in the beginning of my grieving journey:

- being with family, not having to talk or anything, just being together

- watching A LOT of movies. I watched way more action movies than I ever thought possible because they had nothing to do with babies. Also, if I needed to cry I would watch something sad. I was so numb that that helped for me to let out some emotions.

- talking about my DS. Looking at pictures, the memory box we got at the hospital.

- we went to a therapist pretty soon after our loss. We had no idea how to properly work through the grief on our own and she helped guide us. We had both lost important people in our lives before but nothing compared to the hurt we felt in this situation. I *highly* recommend this, even to talk about how other people are reacting so you have an understanding of why people sometimes do or say really stupid things.

Everyone grieves differently but I really hope you are able to find some healing soon. Be kind to yourself. It's ok to feel whatever emotions you're feeling. It's totally normal to feel some depression after you lose someone close to you but if it feels too overwhelming you should definitely seek help.

I wish the best of luck in the coming months.

And I think Catherine is a beautiful name! It might be a little raw at first to use but I would use it

rebennett06 · May 2014

I cannot begin to convey how sorry I am for your loss. The pain you must be feeling is unimaginable. I have no advice for you beyond echoing the sentiments that all previous posters have shared, but please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, and there is no doubt in my mind you will share your mothers legacy with your daughter.

Ceridwen21 · May 2014

I am so sorry for your loss. I have no practical advice for you, but please try to take care of yourself and your LO. It's what your mom would have wanted above all else.

I think it's lovely that you will name your daughter Cate after her. I don't think it will make you feel sad every time you say her name. She went by Cathy, but really to you she was mom. I think calling her Cate is a perfect tribute and it will hopefully only make you smile when you say her name.

My very best wishes to you and your family.

melrob613 · May 2014

Ziongirl77 said:
My best advice is to cry - like snot bubble out of the nose in the shower full on boo hoo cry. When you need to. It helps.

^^^^^this a whole lot.

Mobile quote failure...

bainidhedub · May 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. There's never a good time for something like this to happen, but I think you could still call this a worse time. Don't be afraid to cry, let yourself feel what you feel and get it out. Like PP have said, make sure to take care of yourself physically - Cate is relying on you. (The "when food is too hard" tag on Tumblr turns up some good ideas for keeping things easy and on hand so that simply eating doesn't become its own obstacle. But honestly if you reach that point it's probably time to talk to someone, especially b/c some of it is more concerned with getting calories into you than the nutritional content.)

We lost my MIL to leukemia in less than a month in 2009. Our niece was about 18 months old so she had a chance to be a grandmother, but it's hard knowing that our LO won't get to know her - especially this time of year around Mother's Day and her birthday.

I think naming your LO after your mom is a sweet idea, and the nickname is a good idea too. When you can handle it, making a photo album or collage will keep her memory alive for both of you. My niece is 6yo now and she doesn't remember her Nana any more, but she knows that she's in heaven and recognizes her in pictures.

bodziochl · May 2014

I am terribly sorry for your loss. I just want to echo some previous posters in telling you that there are safe meds for depression and anxiety that you can take when you are pregnant. A book called Pregnant on Prozac really opened my mind and made me realize that in many situations the benefits of meds outweigh the risks (which are incredibly slim, especially after the first trimester). Also I really like Ensure chocolate protein shakes for when I can't keep anything down. Just try to remember that your mom would want you to be ok, and naming your daughter after her is a perfect idea.

gingerkid9989 · May 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss.

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