We had our daughter last Sunday, and DH was home with me all week. We sent DS to daycare for a few hours Thursday and Friday but he was home with us most of the week. Today, DH went back to work and he took DS to daycare this morning. I am having such a hard time with this. It just doesn't comport with me to be sitting here on the couch with a sleeping baby and not have DS here.
We decided to send him to daycare while I was on leave for two main reasons. First, we have to pay the full time rate whether we use it or not in order to hold his spot. And we love this daycare and we just got in a few months ago, so giving it up is not an option. So if we have to pay for 12 weeks of FT daycare I figure we should use it. Secondly, it took DS so long to adjust to daycare (we lost our nanny a few months ago), I can't imagine what it would be like if I kept him home for 12 weeks. So basically the second reason is to maintain his routine.
However, I am having such a hard time with not being with him when I'm home anyway. And he's been great with the baby. He kisses her constantly, he has been very patient waiting for something while I'm feeding her, etc. So it's not like I can even say that it would be better for him to have away time from the baby. Or from me. I know it is the norm to keep an older child in daycare while mom is on maternity leave, but how do I get over the guilt of sending him when I'm home and capable of caring for him myself.
FWIW, for now our plan is for me to pick him up around 3:00 every day, right after his naptime, as opposed to 6:00 like when I'm at work. TIA ladies.
BFP #1 6/28/11 ~ EDD 3/7/12 ~ m/c 7/15/11 at 6w2d
BFP #2 8/29/11 ~ EDD 5/12/12. 4/25/12: Our take home baby is here!
BFP #3 8/27/13 ~ EDD 5/11/14. 4/27/14: Our second take home baby is here!
Re: Guilt over sending DS to daycare while on maternity leave
2010: Infertility
October 2015: missed miscarriage #2 at 11 weeks (trisomy 22)
Pros to sending him to daycare:
1. You are exhausted and have to recover. Being the best mom to both your kids means taking care of yourself. No need to add extra stress of a toddler on to taking care of a newborn.
2. Your family is going through huge change right now. Your DS will probably enjoy keeping his normal routine of daycare since his home life is completely different.
3. Your DS is 2 and has no concept that you are home all day while he is at daycare. All he knows is that he gets to play with friends and teachers (like normal).
4. You aren't going to be able to give your DS full attention while taking care of new baby. He'll probably just be bored and more miserable if he were at home.
5. Being able to take care of new baby alone all day and hopefully get some rest will give you even more energy to focus on DS in the evenings when your DH is home to help with baby.
Cons to sending him to daycare:
1. Mom guilt which really only exists in our own heads.
Don't beat yourself up. You are doing great.
BFP #1 6/28/11 ~ EDD 3/7/12 ~ m/c 7/15/11 at 6w2d
BFP #2 8/29/11 ~ EDD 5/12/12. 4/25/12: Our take home baby is here!
BFP #3 8/27/13 ~ EDD 5/11/14. 4/27/14: Our second take home baby is here!
This. When you factor in nap time he really is only isn't away for that long. Plus you don't have make and clean up meals, drag the baby out to get him some outside time, put him in front of the TV when they both need you at the same moment. Having two close together, it seems that generally speaking the squeaky wheel gets more of my attention, and that is usually my older child. So, I think is great that you have a chance to relax some and bond with your new baby, while still getting your older child attention and a way to burn off extra energy.
I did often pick her up a bit early, and we went on two week long family trips during my leave so she did have some extra time with us. Over all, I'm really glad we sent her to daycare and would do the same thing again. Here's why:
- I think it was really good for DD1 to stay on her normal schedule. Her whole world changed when her sister was born, but school didn't. I think that consistency was important.
- I had 12 weeks alone with DD1 to get to know her and bond with her. I'm really glad I had the time alone during the day with DD2 to get to know and bond with her.
- Even though DD2 was an excellent sleeper, I still needed extra time to rest and recover. I don't think my 2 year old's nap time would have been enough of a break for me.
Don't feel guilty. Your son will enjoy his time at school and doesn't really understand that you're home without him. Enjoy your time with your new baby and get some rest.A Boy's Room
This is what I did. I really wanted time to recover from my CS and time to bond with DD. Don't feel guilty no matter what you do. Do what's best for you and your family.
I agree with this. I am due in December with #2 and I am planning on keeping DD home with me during my leave. I will be out for 9 months and I am really looking forward to being home with my babies. My mom watches DD now so I don't have to worry about continuing to pay for daycare or holding a spot.
I understand why daycares do this but I think it's terrible that you still have to pay even if you decide to leave him home with you for 12 weeks. What if women can't afford daycare while they're on maternity leave? I won't be getting paid for much of my time and there's no way in hell I would be able to afford childcare for my older one while I'm not getting paid. Sorry. I know this has nothing to do with your post.
If I were in your shoes, I would probably just take your LO to daycare a few days a week instead of every day.
Another thing I just thought about is that you are only home for 12 weeks. This is very different than 6 months or 9 months. In that case our situations wouldn't really apply and maybe it is better to keep your older one in daycare. But I still think if you really want him home than 2 or 3 days a week might be a better fit right now. Good luck and Congrats!
BFP #1 6/28/11 ~ EDD 3/7/12 ~ m/c 7/15/11 at 6w2d
BFP #2 8/29/11 ~ EDD 5/12/12. 4/25/12: Our take home baby is here!
BFP #3 8/27/13 ~ EDD 5/11/14. 4/27/14: Our second take home baby is here!
I will say that when I returned to work, the adjustment was the worst on my older daughter. She was a hot mess for two weeks.
yup. This is for the most part when I've had DS home by myself also. Actually at one point DH stayed home a day when DS was very sick. It felt pretty ridiculous to have my husband take off when I was on maternity leave, but we both of us knew I would not be able to swing it by myself. Those of you who can do it, my hat is off to you.
Now while I am on leave my mil has been helping with the daycare pick ups. DD is hard to travel with because she is on an apnea monitor 24/7, but with the mil picking up, DS gets home about an hour to an hour and a half before DH does. It takes a lot of energy during that hour and a half, but I do enjoy the time. I just still would not want to do that all day every day during my whole leave. It would not be possible for me at least.