Guilt over sending DS to daycare while on maternity leave

MickeyM04

We had our daughter last Sunday, and DH was home with me all week. We sent DS to daycare for a few hours Thursday and Friday but he was home with us most of the week. Today, DH went back to work and he took DS to daycare this morning. I am having such a hard time with this. It just doesn't comport with me to be sitting here on the couch with a sleeping baby and not have DS here.

We decided to send him to daycare while I was on leave for two main reasons. First, we have to pay the full time rate whether we use it or not in order to hold his spot. And we love this daycare and we just got in a few months ago, so giving it up is not an option. So if we have to pay for 12 weeks of FT daycare I figure we should use it. Secondly, it took DS so long to adjust to daycare (we lost our nanny a few months ago), I can't imagine what it would be like if I kept him home for 12 weeks. So basically the second reason is to maintain his routine.

However, I am having such a hard time with not being with him when I'm home anyway. And he's been great with the baby. He kisses her constantly, he has been very patient waiting for something while I'm feeding her, etc. So it's not like I can even say that it would be better for him to have away time from the baby. Or from me. I know it is the norm to keep an older child in daycare while mom is on maternity leave, but how do I get over the guilt of sending him when I'm home and capable of caring for him myself.

FWIW, for now our plan is for me to pick him up around 3:00 every day, right after his naptime, as opposed to 6:00 like when I'm at work. TIA ladies.

TheBorg7of9

I just ended my maternity leave and I had to take care of my two year old too. It was utterly exhausting most days. We were transitioning from daycare to nanny and didn't keep him in. Now I wish we had because it was really a lot of work and DS2 spent a lot more time in his swing than DS1 did. Go easy on yourself. DS1 is hanging with his friends and having an awesome time while you get to rest and focus on the baby.

djm31012

I think you are doing the right thing. Frankly, after a week or 2 he would be bored at home with you all day! He is used to being busy. My best friend just had her second and she wound up sending our older DS to daycare 3 days a week and keeping him home with them 2 days a week. Give yourself another week or 2 to get adjusted and then maybe consider something like that. I personally would not factor in the money part of it, it doesnt make a difference.

jlaOK

I sent DS to daycare every single day while I was on maternity leave.

Pros to sending him to daycare:
1.  You are exhausted and have to recover.  Being the best mom to both your kids means taking care of yourself.  No need to add extra stress of a toddler on to taking care of a newborn.
2.  Your family is going through huge change right now.  Your DS will probably enjoy keeping his normal routine of daycare since his home life is completely different.
3.  Your DS is 2 and has no concept that you are home all day while he is at daycare.  All he knows is that he gets to play with friends and teachers (like normal).
4.  You aren't going to be able to give your DS full attention while taking care of new baby.  He'll probably just be bored and more miserable if he were at home.
5.  Being able to take care of new baby alone all day and hopefully get some rest will give you even more energy to focus on DS in the evenings when your DH is home to help with baby.

Cons to sending him to daycare:
1.  Mom guilt which really only exists in our own heads.

Don't beat yourself up.  You are doing great.

emberlee3

If you would prefer to keep your child home, do it.  Or you could compromise and send him 3 days/week to keep the routine going.  There are no rules about how to do it. 

MickeyM04

Aw thanks ladies. Your words help more than you know. It's a big transition for all of us right now and I think I'm probably having the hardest time of anyone which I guess means I'm doing a good job where everyone else is concerned. ;-)

thedash

After my second was born the sleep deprivation didn't really set in until 2-3 weeks later. You can function on 2 hours of sleep at a time for a while but eventually it will catch up to you. So you may feel OK this week but start to get worn out and really need daytime rest in a week or two.

Also, remember that when your oldest was a newborn you got to spend your leave with just him. Now it's the new baby's turn to have 1 on 1 time for a few weeks. It will be good for both of you!

Congrats!

cecilyandgautam

I think your approach, of keeping in him for fewer hours each day is a nice balance. He gets more time with you each day  while you're able to offer that and feel up for it, but he also gets to keep his routine and continue to get the lessons of the day, outdoor play time, etc. 

It sounds like you're doing great, but when I was on maternity leave, I wasn't in a position to go outside everyday or offer a consistent daily schedule. Fine for a newborn and a recovering new mom, but my toddler would go bonkers having to stay inside with me all day. Absolutely bonkers.

If you want to plan some special outings for you, the baby, and your toddler together - like a day at the park or the zoo - go for it and have those special days. Make the most of your maternity leave and the time you have now. But for most days, I think what you're doing sounds great and there's no reason to feel guilty. 

dashofreality

thedash said:

After my second was born the sleep deprivation didn't really set in until 2-3 weeks later. You can function on 2 hours of sleep at a time for a while but eventually it will catch up to you. So you may feel OK this week but start to get worn out and really need daytime rest in a week or two.

Also, remember that when your oldest was a newborn you got to spend your leave with just him. Now it's the new baby's turn to have 1 on 1 time for a few weeks. It will be good for both of you!

Congrats!

This. When you factor in nap time he really is only isn't away for that long. Plus you don't have make and clean up meals, drag the baby out to get him some outside time, put him in front of the TV when they both need you at the same moment. Having two close together, it seems that generally speaking the squeaky wheel gets more of my attention, and that is usually my older child. So, I think is great that you have a chance to relax some and bond with your new baby, while still getting your older child attention and a way to burn off extra energy.

Leap08

DD1 went to daycare almost every day while I was on maternity leave with DD2.
I did often pick her up a bit early, and we went on two week long family trips during my leave so she did have some extra time with us. Over all, I'm really glad we sent her to daycare and would do the same thing again. Here's why: 

1. I think it was really good for DD1 to stay on her normal schedule. Her whole world changed when her sister was born, but school didn't. I think that consistency was important.
   
   
2. I had 12 weeks alone with DD1 to get to know her and bond with her. I'm really glad I had the time alone during the day with DD2 to get to know and bond with her.
   
   
3. Even though DD2 was an excellent sleeper, I still needed extra time to rest and recover. I don't think my 2 year old's nap time would have been enough of a break for me. 
   

Don't feel guilty. Your son will enjoy his time at school and doesn't really understand that you're home without him. Enjoy your time with your new baby and get some rest.

jesuisfatiguee

Another vote for keeping his normal routine while letting him play hookey here and there during the 12 weeks. Please don't feel guilty. You're not doing anything wrong at all.

molisar

thedash said:

After my second was born the sleep deprivation didn't really set in until 2-3 weeks later. You can function on 2 hours of sleep at a time for a while but eventually it will catch up to you. So you may feel OK this week but start to get worn out and really need daytime rest in a week or two.

Also, remember that when your oldest was a newborn you got to spend your leave with just him. Now it's the new baby's turn to have 1 on 1 time for a few weeks. It will be good for both of you!

Congrats!

This all the way. I didn't have DS1 in daycare when I was on Leave with DS2 and I regret it for the most part. As DS2 started getting more wakeful; I got less sleep and was very irritable, DS1 got less attention, and it was really hard on DS1 when I had to go back to work. 

shannm

DS went full time when DD was born. He had much more enriching days at school than had he been with me, who was planted in bed getting to know my newborn.

ASmallWonder

My son went full time when his little brother was born last summer.  I think he would have had major resentment toward him if his entire summer was filled with "...we can't right now...maybe later...the baby is sleeping/eating/being fussy...no we can't go outside now..."  He enjoyed him when he was home with him and enjoyed HIMSELF while he was at school with his friends

Mustardseed2007

jlaOK said:

I sent DS to daycare every single day while I was on maternity leave.

Pros to sending him to daycare:
1.  You are exhausted and have to recover.  Being the best mom to both your kids means taking care of yourself.  No need to add extra stress of a toddler on to taking care of a newborn.
2.  Your family is going through huge change right now.  Your DS will probably enjoy keeping his normal routine of daycare since his home life is completely different.
3.  Your DS is 2 and has no concept that you are home all day while he is at daycare.  All he knows is that he gets to play with friends and teachers (like normal).
4.  You aren't going to be able to give your DS full attention while taking care of new baby.  He'll probably just be bored and more miserable if he were at home.
5.  Being able to take care of new baby alone all day and hopefully get some rest will give you even more energy to focus on DS in the evenings when your DH is home to help with baby.

Cons to sending him to daycare:
1.  Mom guilt which really only exists in our own heads.

Don't beat yourself up.  You are doing great.

I second all of this. I am doing exactly the same thing. I return to work on Monday after being home on the leave for nine weeks with our new daughter. She spent the first 2.5 weeks in nicu and if we didn't have daycare I wouldn't have been able to truck up to the hospital each day. That reason aside, though, when I have had both of them at once for a few hours DS has been stuck in front of the TV so much more than I would like and I still end up feeling overwhelmed. 

When he is at day care is actually getting more attention than I could be able to devote to him as well as more stimulation, structure, development, and fun. I look forward to him coming home every single day. But at the same time him going to daycare is what is best for our family. I really can't imagine doing it differently.

sdlaura

I am on the last week of my 15-week leave and have sent DD to daycare the whole time, for all the reasons PPs mentioned. Don't feel bad!

VOR

I can't "ditto" many of the responses enough. Trust - your DS is having fun at daycare. TRUST. He's probably having more fun there than he would if he were at home every day all day. YOU need your rest. Take care of yourself too.

fitmom82

When I had DS we pulled DD from her sitter, they both stayed home with me for 6 months, then they both went to daycare.  If I had to pay for daycare I may have sent her a few days, but I loved my time home as a true SAHM.  Because DS was so little and easy to travel with we did tons of activities at the library, book store, parks, zoos, ect.  It was so easy to put him in the baby carrier compared to now when the two of the are running in all directions.  We also did play dates with my friend who was also home on leave.  It was nice too not having to worry too much about daycare germs coming home, although we did enough that he was exposed to germs anyway.  I pick them up now around 3 and while I'm glad we're able to get in a park or a walk, the day is pretty much done and there are so many nice activities that usually go on in the morning.  I'm a real go-go-go person.  I'm not really into resting, I'd rather be a little tiered, drink so coffee, and enjoy life.  If you want to keep your son home then do it, you may not get another opportunity.  I understand your reasons for keeping him there, and if he had such a hard time adjusting I think you should have him there a few days a week, but is it really worth it to send him just because you have to pay for it?  You have to pay either way, but if you'd rather have him with you, you still can.

litzo27

I continued to use daycare with both second and third child. I needed time to rest, recharge and heal. Plus only being on ML for six weeks I really wanted to focus on the baby. And 70% if that time I spent nursing and rocking. With my 3 in the first three weeks she was home we had a total of 6 snow days and frankly it was hell. I enjoyed my last three weeks with her so much more because I could just focus on her.

umma4babes

I had no guilt sending DS to daycare. I thought it was much better to keep his routine, and it wasn't like I could give DS undivided attention at home. I spent the time at home to bond with my daughter, and when DS got home, I could focus on him and not feel bad about leaving DD on a playmat to entertain herself. We did drop him off late and picked him up early though.

junebugrbig

je+suis=fatiguee said:

Another vote for keeping his normal routine while letting him play hookey here and there during the 12 weeks. Please don't feel guilty. You're not doing anything wrong at all.

This is what I did.  I really wanted time to recover from my CS and time to bond with DD.  Don't feel guilty no matter what you do.  Do what's best for you and your family.

skibunny59

  

fitmom82 said:

When I had DS we pulled DD from her sitter, they both stayed home with me for 6 months, then they both went to daycare.  If I had to pay for daycare I may have sent her a few days, but I loved my time home as a true SAHM.  Because DS was so little and easy to travel with we did tons of activities at the library, book store, parks, zoos, ect.  It was so easy to put him in the baby carrier compared to now when the two of the are running in all directions.  We also did play dates with my friend who was also home on leave.  It was nice too not having to worry too much about daycare germs coming home, although we did enough that he was exposed to germs anyway.  I pick them up now around 3 and while I'm glad we're able to get in a park or a walk, the day is pretty much done and there are so many nice activities that usually go on in the morning.  I'm a real go-go-go person.  I'm not really into resting, I'd rather be a little tiered, drink so coffee, and enjoy life.  If you want to keep your son home then do it, you may not get another opportunity.  I understand your reasons for keeping him there, and if he had such a hard time adjusting I think you should have him there a few days a week, but is it really worth it to send him just because you have to pay for it?  You have to pay either way, but if you'd rather have him with you, you still can.

I agree with this.  I am due in December with #2 and I am planning on keeping DD home with me during my leave.  I will be out for 9 months and I am really looking forward to being home with my babies.  My mom watches DD now so I don't have to worry about continuing to pay for daycare or holding a spot. 

I understand why daycares do this but I think it's terrible that you still have to pay even if you decide to leave him home with you for 12 weeks.  What if women can't afford daycare while they're on maternity leave?  I won't be getting paid for much of my time and there's no way in hell I would be able to afford childcare for my older one while I'm not getting paid.  Sorry.  I know this has nothing to do with your post.

If I were in your shoes, I would probably just take your LO to daycare a few days a week instead of every day.

skibunny59

skibunny59 said:

  

fitmom82 said:

When I had DS we pulled DD from her sitter, they both stayed home with me for 6 months, then they both went to daycare.  If I had to pay for daycare I may have sent her a few days, but I loved my time home as a true SAHM.  Because DS was so little and easy to travel with we did tons of activities at the library, book store, parks, zoos, ect.  It was so easy to put him in the baby carrier compared to now when the two of the are running in all directions.  We also did play dates with my friend who was also home on leave.  It was nice too not having to worry too much about daycare germs coming home, although we did enough that he was exposed to germs anyway.  I pick them up now around 3 and while I'm glad we're able to get in a park or a walk, the day is pretty much done and there are so many nice activities that usually go on in the morning.  I'm a real go-go-go person.  I'm not really into resting, I'd rather be a little tiered, drink so coffee, and enjoy life.  If you want to keep your son home then do it, you may not get another opportunity.  I understand your reasons for keeping him there, and if he had such a hard time adjusting I think you should have him there a few days a week, but is it really worth it to send him just because you have to pay for it?  You have to pay either way, but if you'd rather have him with you, you still can.

I agree with this.  I am due in December with #2 and I am planning on keeping DD home with me during my leave.  I will be out for 9 months and I am really looking forward to being home with my babies.  My mom watches DD now so I don't have to worry about continuing to pay for daycare or holding a spot. 

I understand why daycares do this but I think it's terrible that you still have to pay even if you decide to leave him home with you for 12 weeks.  What if women can't afford daycare while they're on maternity leave?  I won't be getting paid for much of my time and there's no way in hell I would be able to afford childcare for my older one while I'm not getting paid.  Sorry.  I know this has nothing to do with your post.

If I were in your shoes, I would probably just take your LO to daycare a few days a week instead of every day.

Another thing I just thought about is that you are only home for 12 weeks.  This is very different than 6 months or 9 months.  In that case our situations wouldn't really apply and maybe it is better to keep your older one in daycare.  But I still think if you really want him home than 2 or 3 days a week might be a better fit  right now.  Good luck and Congrats!

MickeyM04

I think I spoke too soon. DS got sent home yesterday with a fever and has been home for two days now. Not only am I freaking out that he's going to get his sister sick (and we all know what happens when newborns get fevers -- spinal tap, etc.) but it has become very clear what would happen on the days he is home with both of us. We have pretty much had the TV on non-stop. Granted he's sick and not up for much and I am trying to keep them separate whereas normally I would probably babywear and play with him or be taking them for walks together or something, but it's clear I am half assing my attention with each of them right now...putting the TV on for him when she needs to eat or is fussy...putting her in her bouncer when he needs snuggles or lunch or something...I can see where he would be better off at daycare than home. But I think when he's healthy I can also see where we could all have a nice time together too. Thanks everyone for all your kind words. I really appreciate it.

CarrieB.

My DH is home with our kids during the day, so during maternity leave we were all home. At the beginning, it was a lot of movies on the couch and independent play for DD1, while DH and I dealt with sleep deprivation and the baby. If your son is used to daycare, it might be hard to be home. Once baby was 6 weeks old, we adjusted and it was so fun. We could do outings to the children's museum, etc as a family. So I would reccommend trying to keep your son home a few days a week, once your baby is bigger.

I will say that when I returned to work, the adjustment was the worst on my older daughter. She was a hot mess for two weeks.

Mustardseed2007

MickeyM04 said:

I think I spoke too soon. DS got sent home yesterday with a fever and has been home for two days now. Not only am I freaking out that he's going to get his sister sick (and we all know what happens when newborns get fevers -- spinal tap, etc.) but it has become very clear what would happen on the days he is home with both of us. We have pretty much had the TV on non-stop. Granted he's sick and not up for much and I am trying to keep them separate whereas normally I would probably babywear and play with him or be taking them for walks together or something, but it's clear I am half assing my attention with each of them right now...putting the TV on for him when she needs to eat or is fussy...putting her in her bouncer when he needs snuggles or lunch or something...I can see where he would be better off at daycare than home. But I think when he's healthy I can also see where we could all have a nice time together too. Thanks everyone for all your kind words. I really appreciate it.

yup. This is for the most part when I've had DS home by myself also. Actually at one point DH stayed home a day when DS was very sick. It felt pretty ridiculous to have my husband take off when I was on maternity leave, but we both of us knew I would not be able to swing it by myself. Those of you who can do it, my hat is off to you.

Now while I am on leave my mil has been helping with the daycare pick ups. DD is hard to travel with because she is on an apnea monitor 24/7, but with the mil picking up, DS gets home about an hour to an hour and a half before DH does. It takes a lot of energy during that hour and a half, but I do enjoy the time. I just still would not want to do that all day every day during my whole leave. It would not be possible for me at least.

emberlee3

A sick toddler and a newborn are so hard!  DS got a terrible asthma attack when DD was 3 weeks old.  I was on the verge of bringing him to the ER because he was having such a hard time breathing.  I ended up calling my mom to help with DD, so I could give DS his breathing treatments and haul him back and forth to the pedi twice in one day.  Fortunately, DD only got a mild cold.  I hope your baby does not get a fever!!!

ashy22lou

I felt really guilty about that too, when I had my son. But my babysitter actually gave me a great perspective. She reminded me that with my daughter, I was able to dedicate that time to her when she was a newborn, so why should my son NOT get that time if its available? It made me feel much better about it. Plus, like others have said, they are used to playing, being actuve and seeing their friends.

Maybride2

I had no guilt sending my older child to daycare while I was on ML. Seriously - why keep him home sitting in front of the TV all day while I sat on the couch nursing the baby, too tired to play, when he could be at school with his friends playing and learning?