What do you say...

MSU_Girl1202 · May 2014

So, I've been married to my husband for eight years, and trying for five.
I've had no issues hiding the fact that we've been desperately trying to have a baby from friends and co-workers during this time. I've been asked dozens of times throughout the years if we're trying yet, and have always answered 'no' or 'not quite yet' or 'we're not ready yet' or 'we just want to enjoy time for the two of us'.
We're going on vacation in Paris in a week and since I've mentioned it to people at work / friends, it's brought on a whole new wave of "Oh! Paris! You're definitely coming back pregnant from there! Are you guys trying?? Are you going to have kids soon?" ...etc
I've really never had issues answering these questions before and deflecting them with little lies, but given that I had my MC a week ago, it's so hard not to break down in tears in front of people when they ask. Today, when I got asked (on the phone), I pretended I had a call on the other line and hung up on the person because I couldn't hold it together.
So, what do you girls say to the people that keep bugging you about 'are you trying?'. I don't want to go the 'it's none of your business' route because these are my friends who just want to know because they care about me and are interested in my life...but I don't want to delve into the whole "I'm devastated because I just lost my baby" thing...

StephieMK · May 2014

Last week I had a coworker tell me that her daughter is PG and then asked me when we are having one. I did tell her that I just m/c the week before and surprised myself that I held it together, besides a slight quivering lip. I think it depends on the person asking. Besides I'm a terrible liar and was stuck.

AggieBeth06 · May 2014

First, I recognize that I'm not quite in the same boat, but in my experience with talking about my loss and status.... It tends to be easier after the first few times.

Do you have a good friend that you would feel comfortable bringing it up with? That could be a start.

My personal approach is to answer honestly, but I tailor the level of detail to the person and how close our relationship is. The closer, the more open.

(((Hugs)))

renbee · May 2014

I'm interested in how you ladies go about this too. I feel like I need to have something planned to say that lets people know (in the nicest way possible!) that their question is very personal and somewhat inappropriate. For those that you do tell about your m/c, how do you phrase it usually?

uneek1323 · May 2014

First I tell them to fuck off, but that's only what I say to them in my head....99% of the time. Then, depending on the person, I either turn it around on them ("That's a very personal question. Would you mind sharing the status of your uterus with everyone first?") or change the subject ("Have you tried the bean dip?").

littlecookie · May 2014

I got asked this twice on Tuesday. The first person was more of a friend and I said "Yes, we're ready, but have had some challenges." The second person is really just a coworker and not in my group so I just said, yes we'd love a baby and left it at that. I've also used "hopefully soon."

I asked an old classmate the question years ago at a reunion and her answers were similar. It told me enough to back off, but didn't feel like I was being scolded. I don't want to talk about this with random people, but I don't want them to feel like crap either, because I know they don't intend to be hurtful.

renbee · May 2014

Fightersince83 said:
I've already told my close friends. What I've decided is that the people who I consider acquaintances who have no business asking me that, will get an equally inappropriate question back. Examples being: When was your last period? When was your last bowel movement? What was the consistency of your last BM?

For total strangers/people I've just met I just give them a no & stare back so they know that's all they're getting...

I decided if they are going to make me uncomfortable I will make them equally uncomfortable. The hope is that maybe they'll realize how inappropriate their question was. ... That and it's fun to be an asshole sometimes

See, I love imagining saying these things, but I don't think I could ever have the balls to say them in real life! It's such a brilliant way to turn it around on people though.

Unknown · May 2014

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Buttercup509 · May 2014

I've been pretty open about our loss. After you tell someone you had a miscarriage, they don't usually ask again.

meredithcarole · May 2014

I just assume people who ask don't mean any harm by it. For me I just say "we'll see what happens" as it is a truthful answer without being in depth. I might feel the need to make someone squirm a little if they asked it in a malicious manner, but I haven't had that happen.

Mkherren12 · May 2014

It gets easier using the party lines the more you use them. Stick to your party lines and just excuse yourself to the bathroom afterwards if you feel a melt down. But it does get easier with time from my experience. Have fun in Paris!!

alm288 · May 2014

I told my close friends and family members. I usually change the subject or say oh I don't know. I completely lie to my coworkers. If the bosses knew, it could impact my chances of getting promoted. That's the reality. In my head I'm usually cursing the person. I've found over time that the question is easier to handle. Have a wonderful time in Paris!!

BackstreetPixie · May 2014

For me it really depends on who is asking. Before my m/c When we first started ttc, if it was a close friend or family Member I would say "when we figure out how to make all the parts work..." if it was an acquaintance or a stranger I would say "when it happens." Right after my m/c I avoided the question for a month. After that I have become more vocal, because I realized how many of my friends had been living in silence about their m/cs and feeling ashamed about having had one. i was open and honest about my m/c on fb and IRL with everyone. Now even when strangers ask I tell them, "I had a miscarriage. we want to have babies but I am not allowed to try for medical reasons right now." Which is the 100% truth. the reason i have decided to be so open is because I find that when The other person has been there, has had a loss too, it really helps them to see me be so honest about it and talk about it. When the other person has not been there, they either clam up or ask questions and I get to educate them on how common miscarriages are and that it is not something that the mother did wrong etc. and that helps me. Also talking about my m/c kinda keeps my Babies memory alive for me... Keeps it real. That is why I wear my necklace so that it stays real and doesn't fade into memory.

Now, I do not think this would work for everyone, we all feel differently about it. What ever you feel you should do is the correct thing to do. If you want to talk about it, talk about it. if you don't then don't. if you want to tell them to mind their own business tell them. If you want to ignore the question, ignore it. Whatever is right for you is what you should do. ::hugs::

rubysi · May 2014

At my age they don't ask more than do you have kids? I say no, they move on.

ngolimento · May 2014

I honestly think that if people are going to ask such a rude question, you are within your rights not to coddle their feelings. You don't have to be nasty about it either (it's all tone).

Just calmly ask them to not ask you that question. If they probe, firm your voice and repeat word for word. It would take a complete moron to keep asking after that. I think at that point you can practice your 'mom glare'.

I practiced "Please don't ask me that question" in the mirror until I got non-hostile but final down pat when I went through my loss. It did wonders.

LaRomana09 · May 2014

meredithcarole said:

I just assume people who ask don't mean any harm by it. For me I just say "we'll see what happens" as it is a truthful answer without being in depth. I might feel the need to make someone squirm a little if they asked it in a malicious manner, but I haven't had that happen.

I don't think people mean any harm either, but I still think they should learn that this is not an okay question to ask. Very few people like being asked this question, and statistically, there is a pretty decent chance that the person being asked this question is struggling in some way. It's just not something that people should ask. I don't think there is anything wrong with answering in such a way as to let them know that.

Km380 · May 2014

After my first I lied and changed the subject all the time. After my 2nd I was too tired to lie and started telling people the truth. If you ask a question expect me to answer it. Years ago I asked a friend when he was going to have kids and he told me about the IF issues they were dealing with and it taught me that as nicely as I intended that question it was deeply personal and inappropriate. I have never asked a single person that question again. So now I tell people the truth and they learn an uncomfortable lesson. Plus it shuts them the hell up! Do whatever is best for you at the moment someone asks. Have a great time in Paris!!

MrsG80inTN · May 2014

I am generally honest with people and have found that over time it has helped my healing, but everyone is different. One response I've heard of is saying "If you'll forgive me for not answering that, I'll forgive you for asking"... Sorry for your loss and that you're having to deal with this, but I do hope you're able to enjoy your time in Paris.

buggirl72 · May 2014

I don't see what the big deal is with telling the truth. From what you are saying, you have been fielding this question for five years. Five years.

Be honest to your comfort level. Answering that you are a couple that has fertility issues might lead people to ask you about if you have thought about IVF but it will stop them from asking when you are going to get pg. Telling people about your loss will make them back off, and, as PPs have said, realize how hurtful their questions are and maybe stop them from doing this to every young couple out there. Or you can just wait it out until you are so old that people quit asking. It's awesome - but I'm glad that I started telling people about my IF issues back in my early 30s. It stopped most of those questions and made my 30s much more enjoyable.

MrsKush1014 · May 2014

My DH and I have been married for 7.5 years, so I too have been getting the question for years. At first it was easy to respond because we had plenty of excuses as to why we didn't have kids yet (at the time we weren't TTC either) - grad school/new jobs/not ready/etc. Once we started TTC my responses would be along the lines of "hopefully, but not yet" and during regular conversations I would regularly say things like "when or IF we have kids..."

I've gotten more bold after my MC and also have been pretty open about what happened. Most people back off on that question knowing that I've had a MC. And for the ones that still ask things like "When are you going to try again" I tell them that my doctor doesn't want us to try again for at least one cycle but that I don't know if I'll be emotionally ready that soon. I emphasize the emotional part. That seems to get through to them.

kvlady82 · May 2014

OP, it depends on the day, for me. I actually just came back to my classroom from going to the bathroom, where a known-nosy-woman said, "you're the older sister, aren't you?" (My little sister teachers here, too). And I said, "yes…" and she said, "well, I thought she was older because she has a son…what the heck are YOU waiting for?"

After refraining from punching her in the neck (too much?), I just said, "not that it's any of your business, but since you were so candid with me about your opinion, I will let you know that I had a miscarriage…and have been trying. Thanks for your concern." And walked away.

Obviously that is not the normal thing a person would say, but I think it really does depend on the day and the person that asks you. Whatever you are feeling is more than valid, and you should feel free to say whatever you feel comfortable with. Lots of ((hugs))

yellowcat10 · May 2014

I have only told one friend. My husband and I decided not to tell our families because both sides are gossips and our respective home towns would know everything! My standard answer is "I have cats" which tends to end the conversation, especially if it is someone I just meet and they do not know if I am married.

The worst person I have had to deal with is my older sister, who I have asked several times to stop asking me the question. I really think you need to decide if it is the right person asking, and how public you want it to become. For us, we travel a lot for work and are often apart for months so most people assume we just are not in the same place long enough or are trying to time it around long international trips for me. Either way our situation keeps some friends and family in line.

superwife425 · May 2014

EurydiceNymph said:

After years and three losses I've gotten pretty jaded when it comes to that question. My theory is: don't ask the question if you can't handle the possible answers. So (depending on who it is and exactly how bad of a mood I am in) they get something along the lines of

We have 3 babies. They're angels.
or
Get your fucking nose out of my vagina.

I do not understand how people think this is an appropriate question. It is NONE of their business if or when a couple have a child. It is a deeply personal decision and it pisses me the hell off.

EurydiceNymph!

meredithcarole · May 2014

@kvillano82‌ that is exactly the type of asking that deserves a pointed answer in my opinion. How judgmental. @LaRomana09‌ I do see your point - most of the people asking me are just young and have romantic visions of life in their heads. Perhaps they need to be educated on etiquette, but I haven't yet felt the need to be the one to do it. If someone asks me like kvillano got asked I will probably have a hard time not punching them in the face, too.

Soulbyte · May 2014

meladoriestar said:

I've already told my close friends. What I've decided is that the people who I consider acquaintances who have no business asking me that, will get an equally inappropriate question back. Examples being: When was your last period? When was your last bowel movement? What was the consistency of your last BM? For total strangers/people I've just met I just give them a no & stare back so they know that's all they're getting... I decided if they are going to make me uncomfortable I will make them equally uncomfortable. The hope is that maybe they'll realize how inappropriate their question was. ... That and it's fun to be an asshole sometimes
This. I used to tiptoe around it but now I'm fairly blunt. With my last loss I had someone ask me if I was pregnant. I said no and she asked if I was sure. I assures her I was. She pressed and said I looked pregnant and maybe I should test. At that point I told her I was sure because I was currently miscarrying. It was awkward because obviously she felt awful. But it put a stop to all further questions and that was a relief.

Pretty much bluntness to be honest. If it's a throwaway comment to me I just laugh it off and move on with no comment. My difficulty came explaining why, in the high pressure alwAys 'on' job I'm in, I was constantly off randomly or at random times for tests etc. total pain, particularly when having to tell line reports I won't be about. I think some assumed I was getting fired and others that I was about to snuff it. A few I just came out and told and it was a relief if I'm honest.

MrsKush1014 · May 2014

@kvillano82 that woman definitely deserved a throat punch! What a nosy, snot nose bitch!

@superwife425 you have EVERY right to be bitchy towards someone who asks that question! It really isn't anyone's business but yours and your DH/SO! My MIL asks all the time and finally one day about 6 months ago my DH said "Does your mom ever ask that question?" Not a single time has she ever asked and I spoke with her about it and she said "I figured it's none of my business." I wish I could have my mom talk to your mom.

MSU_Girl1202 · May 2014

Wow, I'm honestly surprised at how many of you are strong enough to tell other people about your losses, even if it is to make the person regret asking. I don't know if it's because I've never asked others if they're 'trying' or if they're going to have kids soon, but I've never been told about my friends' (unless they were super close) having miscarriages, so I just assumed it was something you keep super tabboo.

I haven't even told my sister about my pregnancy or loss...I just figured, I was so hurt by it, why have another person be hurt by it as well...and luckily, she hasn't asked.

Thanks for the insight / experiences ladies! Maybe as I get farther out from this, it will get easier to tell the truth about it...

uneek1323 · May 2014

MSU_Girl1202 said:

Wow, I'm honestly surprised at how many of you are strong enough to tell other people about your losses, even if it is to make the person regret asking. I don't know if it's because I've never asked others if they're 'trying' or if they're going to have kids soon, but I've never been told about my friends' (unless they were super close) having miscarriages, so I just assumed it was something you keep super tabboo.
I haven't even told my sister about my pregnancy or loss...I just figured, I was so hurt by it, why have another person be hurt by it as well...and luckily, she hasn't asked.
Thanks for the insight / experiences ladies! Maybe as I get farther out from this, it will get easier to tell the truth about it...

This actually really upsets me. If someone doesn't want to talk about their loss because it's too painful, or they don't want to share with the particular person asking, or because you WANT to keep it private, I understand and am 100% supportive. But it's not taboo, and we shouldn't be "keeping it taboo." That's one of the reasons why I'm so vocal about what my husband and I have been through. Many, many families are fighting hard to make this kind of loss not taboo.

Unknown · May 2014

This content has been removed.

jlworden710 · May 2014

uneek1323 said:

MSU_Girl1202 said:

Wow, I'm honestly surprised at how many of you are strong enough to tell other people about your losses, even if it is to make the person regret asking. I don't know if it's because I've never asked others if they're 'trying' or if they're going to have kids soon, but I've never been told about my friends' (unless they were super close) having miscarriages, so I just assumed it was something you keep super tabboo.
I haven't even told my sister about my pregnancy or loss...I just figured, I was so hurt by it, why have another person be hurt by it as well...and luckily, she hasn't asked.
Thanks for the insight / experiences ladies! Maybe as I get farther out from this, it will get easier to tell the truth about it...

This actually really upsets me. If someone doesn't want to talk about their loss because it's too painful, or they don't want to share with the particular person asking, or because you WANT to keep it private, I understand and am 100% supportive. But it's not taboo, and we shouldn't be "keeping it taboo." That's one of the reasons why I'm so vocal about what my husband and I have been through. Many, many families are fighting hard to make this kind of loss not taboo.

THIS! @uneek1323... you are IN MY HEAD! there is no reason it HAS to be kept quiet unless you because you don't want to share or you want to keep private.

OP to answer your question, there is a collection of things that I say... and depending on the tone of the questions, depends on the smart-assiness of my answer. There are some that I most definitely give a snide answer too... like the ones already know of my loss and STILL proceed to ask, or the people that I dont know at all that straight forwardly ask... I straight forwardly answer. In fact, I just recently answered the questions, "why do you keep having miscarriages, why cant your body just have a baby... it seems so easy?" with, "if you are so interested in my uterus' capibilities would you like to see the pictures of my burnt off septum, I have them here on my phone"

However, I also answer genuinely and polite to people that ask (most of the time) and explain "we are currently working on that... we have had some set backs and hopefully have a plan"

Thing is if it is people that I know, I dont mind them knowing, if something was to happen to them down the road and I can be a support because they know what I have been through, I would gladly do so.

MSU_Girl1202 · May 2014

meladoriestar said:

MSU_Girl1202 said:

Wow, I'm honestly surprised at how many of you are strong enough to tell other people about your losses, even if it is to make the person regret asking. I don't know if it's because I've never asked others if they're 'trying' or if they're going to have kids soon, but I've never been told about my friends' (unless they were super close) having miscarriages, so I just assumed it was something you keep super tabboo.
I haven't even told my sister about my pregnancy or loss...I just figured, I was so hurt by it, why have another person be hurt by it as well...and luckily, she hasn't asked.
Thanks for the insight / experiences ladies! Maybe as I get farther out from this, it will get easier to tell the truth about it...

This actually really upsets me. If someone doesn't want to talk about their loss because it's too painful, or they don't want to share with the particular person asking, or because you WANT to keep it private, I understand and am 100% supportive. But it's not taboo, and we shouldn't be "keeping it taboo." That's one of the reasons why I'm so vocal about what my husband and I have been through. Many, many families are fighting hard to make this kind of loss not taboo.
I completely agree with this. It *is* taboo but it shouldn't be and that won't change until people speak out. I haven't been as open until recently but not because it was taboo but because it still hurt too much. Not everyone is emotionally able or ready to share and that's ok. But they should have every opportunity to share if they want to. After all, if everyone else is allowed to talk about their kids why can't I?

Wasn't trying to upset you or say it should be kept tabboo...just saying, in the circle of people I have been around my whole life, people have not really spoken much about it, so when it happened to me, I just assumed that it's something you don't talk about. I guess that's why it made it so hard for me with how to deal with when people ask about trying. As I said, I think people that can talk about it are incredibly strong. I don't think I'm quite there yet.

MrsKush1014 · May 2014

@MSU_Girl1202 By being open about my loss I have found out that so many women in my life have gone through miscarriages. My SIL had two MCs that I never knew about and was a great resource for me during the first few days. I knew my sister had one but I was much younger when it happened and she was also a great resource. I told one of my male coworkers (who has 4 kids and one on the way) and found out that his wife also had a MC in between their first and second. I told my boss and she confided in me that she also had a MC.

I've seen a couple of other women post here about how they haven't told anyone because they don't know anyone IRL who have had a MC and don't think anyone is going to understand. You could find out that it has been the exact opposite. Obviously you have to do what you are comfortable with, but I've found talking about it to be very therapeutic. {{Hugs}}

meredithcarole · May 2014

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