Missing DD's Bday

dashofreality · April 2014

I have been asked to apply to a leadership program. Small catch is that of the three business trips required for this program, one of them would be over DD's 4th bday. I wouldn't feel too horribly guilty about this, but DH will be deployed and gone as well over her bday. This isn't a big deal is it? Would it be a factor at all for you?

mae0111 · April 2014

Honestly, it would be a dealbreaker for me. I would feel differently if your DD was younger, but my DD definitely understood her birthday when she turned 4.

I was supposed to be at an offsite meeting 3000 miles away on DD's 4th birthday, but luckily it got cancelled. Before it was cancelled, I was trying to figure out a way to get out of it.

dashofreality · April 2014

@mae0111 - I understand, which is why this is the last day I have to throw my hat into the ring and I've been putting it off. My husband thinks I should just pretend her bday is 3 days later when I am back in town...

emberlee3 · April 2014

I think it's ok. I would explain it to her and have a very special celebration on a different day. Maybe arrange a special delivery for her on her actual birthday. My DS knows his birthday and is very into calendars, so I would not have been able to pretend it was a different day. But as long as your LO feels special and loved on her birthday, it should be ok.

jf198400 · April 2014

we usually have multiple celebrations for DDs bday so I don't think she'd be too upset if I was gone on her actual bday (she'll also be 4 this summer). My kids tend to think everyday is their bday from the first party to the last lol. Make sure whoever is watching her has cake and sends cupcakes to school.

ss265 · April 2014

I think it depends on your child. Is she very sensitive and will be upset that you are not there on your birthday? Or do you think she will be ok with it as long as it is celebrated in some way? If you miss it, is it something she will remember for the rest of her life? If she's the kind not to remember it, then I wouldn't worry too much about missing it.

DiveFrog · April 2014

emberlee3 said:

I think it's ok. I would explain it to her and have a very special celebration on a different day. Maybe arrange a special delivery for her on her actual birthday. My DS knows his birthday and is very into calendars, so I would not have been able to pretend it was a different day. But as long as your LO feels special and loved on her birthday, it should be ok.

This exactly. You can still celebrate and make her feel special (either before or after the actual day). That's what she will remember not that you aren't there on the specific day. I love the idea of arranging for a surprise or delivery on her actual day.

As a side note, my birthday is in the middle of the summer. There were at least 2yrs I spent my birthday at summer camp or vacationing with a family and away from my parents. Each time they planned ahead and had special deliveries made to me, and that the day was recognized by the people I was with. I remember those as great birthdays!

jf198400 · April 2014

theresat858 said:

jf198400 said:

we usually have multiple celebrations for DDs bday so I don't think she'd be too upset if I was gone on her actual bday (she'll also be 4 this summer). My kids tend to think everyday is their bday from the first party to the last lol. Make sure whoever is watching her has cake and sends cupcakes to school.

Because it's not a birthday without encouraging childhood obesity!

Cupcakes every single day encourages childhood obesity. Cupcakes on your birthday is perfectly fine. If you'd rather send in fruit or something else, whateves, but my kids know that birthdays mean cake.

ss265 · April 2014

theresat858 said:

jf198400 said:

we usually have multiple celebrations for DDs bday so I don't think she'd be too upset if I was gone on her actual bday (she'll also be 4 this summer). My kids tend to think everyday is their bday from the first party to the last lol. Make sure whoever is watching her has cake and sends cupcakes to school.

Because it's not a birthday without encouraging childhood obesity!

Nope it isn't.

Does your child celebrate her birthday with carrot sticks?

molisar · April 2014

It sounds like this could be a good opportunity for you. I'd feel a little guilty since your H won't be there either. If it were me and it was one of those situations where you only get the opportunity once, then I'd probably go for it. But if there was any way to do it at a future time, I'd probably stay home.

Pips09 · April 2014

If this program is going to be a boost to your career, then it's worth missing the birthday. You can always celebrate on another day, and call/video chat with your daughter that day.

Mustardseed2007 · April 2014

I feel like with birthdays they can always be celebrated on the weekend before or the weekend after. To me that is when the real celebration of birthdays happen.

jlaOK · April 2014

If it were me I would do it. My DS is almost 4 and while he understands that his birthday is soon he wouldn't be crushed if I wasn't there on the actual day. I'd probably do something before, after, and plan on having caretakers so something on the day. 3 birthdays instead of 1 is always good.

dashofreality · April 2014

Thanks everyone. I went ahead and at least put my name in for consideration, it doesn't mean I will be selected though. It really is a good opportunity and since my company is willing to shell out 15k for this program, I should try and take advantage if I can.

I'm sure my little girl won't be crushed, I'm just a little overwhelmed with how this deployment and move is going to effect her and this was just icing on the crap cake.

Speaking of cake, she will have cake and will contribute to the obesity of her classmates 3:-O

djm31012 · April 2014

Speaking of cake, she will have cake and will contribute to the obesity of her classmates 3:-O

as she should. its her birthday and she deserves a special treat

ASmallWonder · April 2014

My DS turns four in two weeks but he doesn't actually KNOW when his birthday is, as in, he can't read a calendar lol So if I didn't tell him it wouldn't be a big deal and the part they love about birthdays are usually the festivities. Plan something fun for the closest weekend and play it up and I'm sure she won't care that the actual day of her birth is not celebrated, kwim?

Myaflowers · April 2014

theresat858 said:

jf198400 said:

we usually have multiple celebrations for DDs bday so I don't think she'd be too upset if I was gone on her actual bday (she'll also be 4 this summer). My kids tend to think everyday is their bday from the first party to the last lol. Make sure whoever is watching her has cake and sends cupcakes to school.

Because it's not a birthday without encouraging childhood obesity!

Umm, really? Having cupcakes on special occasions is not going to lead to obesity. I eat something sweet on most days, and I am not overweight. I ate sweet things as a child and wasn't overweight. I am a therapist and work with adolescents with eating disorders. The mentality that certain foods are "good" and certain foods are "bad" can be quite dangerous. It's all about balance and moderation.

OP, I agree with PP suggestions re: making sure DD's birthday is extra special and that you have an extra special celebration when you get back. I think it would be OK to miss her actual birthday if you try to make things extra special for her!

litzo27 · April 2014

I would totally do it. Just make a special celebration a couple days earlier or later. That would be my answer if the kid was 1, 4 or 14. It's not like you are missing it for a weekend of drinking - this is an important opportunity for you and your family.

mlee116 · April 2014

I wish I could say it wouldn't be a big deal, but it would be a dealbreaker for me. It would just make me sad that neither parent is there on her special day and I'd try to get out of it if it were possible.

theresat858 said:

jf198400 said:

we usually have multiple celebrations for DDs bday so I don't think she'd be too upset if I was gone on her actual bday (she'll also be 4 this summer). My kids tend to think everyday is their bday from the first party to the last lol. Make sure whoever is watching her has cake and sends cupcakes to school.

Because it's not a birthday without encouraging childhood obesity!

And this, really? This is just an assy comment that is not even relevant to the OP's question.

itsmevkb · April 2014

JellyBellyStar said:

theresat858 said:

jf198400 said:

we usually have multiple celebrations for DDs bday so I don't think she'd be too upset if I was gone on her actual bday (she'll also be 4 this summer). My kids tend to think everyday is their bday from the first party to the last lol. Make sure whoever is watching her has cake and sends cupcakes to school.
Because it's not a birthday without encouraging childhood obesity!
Wait, what? Is this real? Moments like these make me question whether the bump is real or just a figment of my imagination....b/c people don't think like this in real life right???

All too real unfortunately.

itsmevkb · April 2014

@dashofreality Good for you for signing up. I hope you are selected.

kmh2201 · April 2014

I think @theresat858 should have posted her feelings on birthday treats in an FFFC.

I have to agree that cupcakes to celebrate a birthday are not going to result in/contribute to childhood obesity.

cedenton · April 2014

I would probably tell her that there will be a special surprise on her birthday and then a party the weekend after. On her birthday I'd send an Edible Arrangement.

mlee116 · April 2014

theresat858 said:

kmh2201 said:

I think @theresat858 should have posted her feelings on birthday treats in an FFFC. I have to agree that cupcakes to celebrate a birthday are not going to result in/contribute to childhood obesity.

It isn't an issue one day out of the year. But suppose your LO is in a class with 30 other kids, and every parent brings cupcakes. That's 30 days out of the year, not one. Then add in sweet treats after sporting events, because apparently an apple isn't enough any more and you have to bring in cookies, etc, etc...it quickly gets out of hand.

30 kids in a class seems like a lot, but maybe that's just me. Anyways, let's say you're right for argument's sake, that's less than one cupcake a week. Or they get a cupcake 8% of days out of the year. IMO, that's not out of hand unless you're giving your kid a ton of junk outside of school or they're having treats like that every day.

jetgrrrl · April 2014

At 4 your DD has no idea what today's date is. Just tell her it's her birthday the day you return.

[Deleted User] · April 2014

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kelly422 · April 2014

JellyBellyStar said:

theresat858 said:

jf198400 said:

we usually have multiple celebrations for DDs bday so I don't think she'd be too upset if I was gone on her actual bday (she'll also be 4 this summer). My kids tend to think everyday is their bday from the first party to the last lol. Make sure whoever is watching her has cake and sends cupcakes to school.

Because it's not a birthday without encouraging childhood obesity!

Wait, what? Is this real? Moments like these make me question whether the bump is real or just a figment of my imagination....b/c people don't think like this in real life right???

Real. She's a peach and thinks she's holier than thou.

Curls218 · April 2014

My birthday fell during winter break every year. I was in elementary school for this, but one year both my parents were working so it was just me and my brother during the day. My parents arranged for deliveries all day long. The drug store delivered a gift, flowers were delivered, pizza was delivered for lunch, and a local store delivered a custom made teddy bear. Maybe we had cake that night when my parents were home, but honestly I just remember the rest of the day being awesome. Maybe arrange surprises all day long like that?

[Deleted User] · April 2014

The user and all related content has been deleted.

BC&LM · April 2014

theresat858 said:

kmh2201 said:

I think @theresat858 should have posted her feelings on birthday treats in an FFFC. I have to agree that cupcakes to celebrate a birthday are not going to result in/contribute to childhood obesity.

It isn't an issue one day out of the year. But suppose your LO is in a class with 30 other kids, and every parent brings cupcakes. That's 30 days out of the year, not one. Then add in sweet treats after sporting events, because apparently an apple isn't enough any more and you have to bring in cookies, etc, etc...it quickly gets out of hand.

----

When I was a child, all of the kids brought in cupcakes for their birthday, and my classmates were not obese. Getting kids to play outside and get exercise goes so much further towards combating childhood obesity; there is nothing wrong with sweets in moderation. Get off your damn high horse.

jesuisfatiguee · April 2014

… ignoring the ridiculousness…

I probably wouldn't go because I abuse myself with lots and lots of unnecessary mom-guilt. BUT if you do get selected and end up going, just make sure you have a very special celebration soon after her birthday when you're in town. I don't remember much of my childhood, but ironically I do remember my 4th birthday party. So definitely don't blow off the whole day (not that you would), because she will remember.

rodiesmum · April 2014

my 3 year old is already looking forward to her birthday. If i were in her position and both my parents couldnt be with me id really feel bad. I may not remember it but id feel bad. And even if this is not the case, like the PP, i wouldnt take the opportunity. But that's just me.

itsmevkb · April 2014

We need a Sanctimommy board. Clearly it would have at least one poster.

itsmevkb · April 2014

I was referring to the anti-cupcake poster but I guess we can add another to the list now.

To judge another mom, especially a working mom who is trying to participate in something that could potentially help her career long-term over celebrating ON the kid's birthday or celebrating it a few days early or a few days late is just ridiculous. We aren't debating if she should celeberate but when. I don't remember my 4th birthday (or 5th or 6th or many others), if my parents were there, what we did, if I got fat because I ate one cupcake that day, no clue. What I do remember as I got older is my parents doing their best to juggle working full-time and being there for things that were important. They couldn't always be there for every single thing because that isn't the way life works. Sorry if that's too much reality for a Monday morning. I grew up knowing my parents loved me and that's what I remember.

dashofreality · April 2014

Well since this is turning into I am a shitty parent, and I'm not sure all of the posters calling me horrible have read that I did decide to put my name in for consideration, I will at least partially 'defend' my decision.

This was definitely a hard decision. But what it came down to was what I would regret more. I stepped back in my career when DD was born and went PT. I am glad that I did, but pretty soon I will be looking to go back to FT or the cliché 'lean in'. I decided that I would regret not trying for this incredible year-long leadership program that will open numerous doors for my career more than missing my DD's bday. Especially because I am in a slightly precarious position because I now work PT and from home in an industry where this is not super common. My company is unlikely to RIF me if they just dropped a crap ton of money on this program.

Do I have guilt, yes some. But what working mother doesn't? I'm ok with the judgment, I think if I do miss her bday it will suck, more for me than for her, but it isn't the end of the world. And yes, I was interested in what internet strangers had to say. I think the reason things like this exist is to let you know if you are way off base in your decisions or not.

dashofreality · April 2014

amy052006 said:

Well, I think you are being dramatic -- no one said you were a shitty parent. But you did ask if this was a big deal, and for some people it is. If you take that as judgment or it makes you feel guilty, that's on you.

Maybe I'm having a reading fails?

sorry but "choosing" to leave a child without a parent on their birthday is rotten...

Maybe her kid will be fine.

when it's completely within your control as to whether you're there or not is pretty shitty.

Maybe slightly dramatic, but not by much.

dashofreality · April 2014

@privacywanted - I would miss DD's bday to argue a case before the 9th circuit. That is awesome!

emberlee3 · April 2014

I worked 14 days straight over Christmas 2013. My kids have already forgotten about it. I was taking care of veterans, and I don't feel guilty.

Definitely go with something better than an edible arrangement.

dashofreality · April 2014

@cjcouple It wasn't me that called you sanctimommy, and I'm pretty sure that was all over the childhood obesity comment.

I do not care if you judge me. I definitely understand that it is not the decision you would make, and I understand why. But when comments start crossing the line from that isn't a great decision, to you are a crappy mom, I think it is normal for most people to defend themselves.

Don't worry I am not heartbroken over your judgment of me. I am not even angry or upset.

swoop24 · April 2014

OP - you've gotten a lot of responses, but I just wanted to add one more voice of support for your decision. My husband has deployed multiple times. If I had a career opportunity like the one you describe, I would absolutely go for it even if it meant missing DD's actual birthday. Good luck - I hope you get it.

kristennd · April 2014

cjcouple said:

ok, never said you were a crappy mom. I don't even know you. I said

sorry but "choosing" to leave a child without a parent on their birthday is rotten...and you all know it. I just refuse to blow smoke up her ass.

I wasn't going to be all "oh, go, enjoy" like everyone else because it's not how I feel.

But why are you saying "...and you all know it"? That is saying that everyone secretly agrees with you that the OP is rotten and are just lying. And that's clearly not the case at all. They simply all have a different opinion than yours.

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