UPDATE: Mom Chop Debacle (pics)

notthecheat · April 2014

UPDATE: Today was better. H has not apologized but is talking to me and acting normal for the most part. It turns out he knew I was getting a lot cut off, but was thinking my hair would be shoulder length. When we had previously discussed it, we referred to SIL's haircut, which is all chin length, so I do have layers that are shorter than that but still.

He had originally asked me a favor, to take Michelle to his work to meet a coworker today, and then asked me not to after he saw my haircut. I was ok with that since I needed the extra sleep anyway, so I didn't go.

He had wanted to cancel our dinner plans with friends for Sunday night also but now he's OK with it. We also went out to dinner tonight with Michelle, and he now says he's not embarrassed to be seen with me. He says that he doesn't like my haircut because I don't look like his wife anymore, I look like a different person.

I have to remind myself sometimes that DH is VERY anti-change, so it takes a bit more for him to adjust. Thank you all so much for your support. I am going to make replies now to your comments on this thread.

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So I was under the impression my husband had finally conceded to me chopping off my long hair. Apparently, he thought I was just getting a trim and was pissed when I came home with my new do. He says he hates it, he thinks I look like a boy, and is embarrassed to have me go out in public.

I like it, I don't think I look like a boy, but I am more hurt that my husband seems to care more about his own opinion of my hair than about me doing what makes me happy. What do you think? I am posting a separate poll since polls won't allow me to show pics.

Before and after pics:

kittyh8r · April 2014

I am disgusted in your husband's behavior. What the heck?! You're the one who has to style your hair. My husband likes my hair long, and wouldn't want me to cut my hair this short, but he would never say such mean things to me. So disrespectful!
Also tell him to suck it, you look great. Leave the house without him, then!

Caitlinh27 · April 2014

I'm sorry your husband hurt your feelings

I really like the cut. I think it makes you look younger and more vibrant! I will say that the second pic where it's styled looks better than the last pick where it's not styled.

notkateanymore · April 2014

Your hair looks so much better shorter and he needs something cut off too.

iranwithscissors · April 2014

As a stylist I hear about this a lot. I personally don't understand it as my H would never say anything negative about any length, color, or style change on me. (Nor would I about any appearance change of his.)

I'm sorry he said that. I think you look beautiful

lilypienmessimy · April 2014

I like your hair shorter better! It looks super cute! I'm sorry he said such disrespectful things though, that's not acceptable in my opinion.

notthecheat · April 2014

prettykitty2012 said:
Welcome back from your bumpcation!

I think your hair looks healthier short. And you look younger.

Thanks. I came back today because of depression/ anxiety check-in and to post before/after pics, but will probably go off the grid again tomorrow. My hair is fine so it breaks easily; most of the damage is gone now.

notthecheat · April 2014

hercules03 said:
As horrible as it is that I think it is that your husband would such a thing to you, I don't think I would do something that my husband has specified he wouldn't care for. And I only say that because for example if I find beards gross and he grew out a beard after I told him I despise beards, I would find that a bit of a slap in the face but I would never tell him I hate his look. We would have a mature discussion regarding it. Is there something more to this story? I do know some men just feel strongly about women having long hair. Give him a chance, it might grow on him. I'm sorry you are dealing with his attitude.

I have known my H for 8 years, I have had long hair for about 13- 14 years. He always told me to not cut it, and I was fine with it, but after LO was born I kept asking him to let me chop it off. I thought he had finally agreed to let me do it even if he would rather I didn't. We even talked at length about donating my hair.

When I came home he insists I said I was just getting a trim ( I never said that). He refused to talk to me all evening, and is canceling all our plans this weekend because he doesnt want people to see me.

He did have a bad day at work he said, so I am hoping that's all it is.

notthecheat · April 2014

Caitlinh27 said:
I'm sorry your husband hurt your feelings I really like the cut. I think it makes you look younger and more vibrant! I will say that the second pic where it's styled looks better than the last pick where it's not styled.

Thanks. The first pic is in the salon, the second is at work after taking a nap and going out in the rain.

notthecheat · April 2014

KateMW said:
Your hair looks so much better shorter and he needs something cut off too.

Thabk you. Our ST is very limited due to lack of time, exhaustion, and pain for me (even with lots of lube) so maybe he is letting out his frustration.

katebusse · April 2014

It looks much better! Let your husband know that the good thing about hair is that it grows back:)

notthecheat · April 2014

jayne1024 said:
As a stylist I hear about this a lot. I personally don't understand it as my H would never say anything negative about any length, color, or style change on me. (Nor would I about any appearance change of his.)

I'm sorry he said that. I think you look beautiful

Thank you that made me smile. He used to call me Beautiful, now I'm afraid he won't anymore.

fauxvegan · April 2014

I think you look much better with the new haircut! It's pretty

That's so sad that your H said that to you and that he's canceling your plans. Hopefully he will see how much you like it. Have you told him how he's making you feel by telling you all that stuff? So sorry you are dealing with his attitude. You look great!

Alexisgamez105 · April 2014

It's looks nice I was watching a show today that said cutting your hair a few inches will help your hair look fuller & healthier & it most definitely does:)

Jenniferomeo · April 2014

I think you look way better and younger with short hair. Fuck what your husband thinks. He's just in shock right now. He'll get over it.

jy725 · April 2014

You are beautiful and your hair looks great! It is a major change and I'm sure it will take time for you both to get used to it. I think your DH's words are hurtful and he should apologize. I wouldn't be surprised if changes his mind in a day or two.

Ltpugs · April 2014

I know my H prefers my hair on the longer side. That being said... It's HIS preference NOT mine. It is MY hair and I do with it what I want!!!!! I would never let my H tell me what I can and can't do with MY body. Just like I don't tell him what to do with his.
I don't like facial hair.... Yet he's had a beard since last aug. He recently shaved it to a goatee... I'm anxiously awaiting him to shave the rest. Even though I am not a big fan of the beard or goatee I would never say anything derogatory about him.
Your H is acting very childish and needs to get over himself.
You look beautiful with long hair and short hair! Personally I like the short hair better!!!

. Go out by yourself and show of your beautiful hair... I'm sure you'll be bombarded by tons of compliments about it!!!

Caitlinh27 · April 2014

sventurarn said:

Caitlinh27 said:
I'm sorry your husband hurt your feelings I really like the cut. I think it makes you look younger and more vibrant! I will say that the second pic where it's styled looks better than the last pick where it's not styled.
Thanks. The first pic is in the salon, the second is at work after taking a nap and going out in the rain.

I thought it was probably taken in the salon. If I was a millionaire I swear I would have a hair stylist come to my house every morning to do my hair. No matter how hard I try, it never quite looks (or feels) the way it does fresh from the salon!

nofcksgiven · April 2014

I'm gonna throw this out here-
It seems that your husband has issues that run much deeper than your hair. This sounds like a seriously unhealthy possessiveness and control issue.
Plenty of husbands prefer their wife to have short or long hair, but to cancel plans as punishment for cutting your hair off is way extreme. I think it borders on a dangerous extreme.

notkateanymore · April 2014

Your husband sounds like an emotionally abusive dick. Nobody can "let" you cut your hair except yourself. He shouldn't get to cancel plans you have bc he doesn't want anybody to see you. That is really controlling crazy shit.

notkateanymore · April 2014

hercules03 said:

sventurarn said:

As horrible as it is that I think it is that your husband would such a thing to you, I don't think I would do something that my husband has specified he wouldn't care for. And I only say that because for example if I find beards gross and he grew out a beard after I told him I despise beards, I would find that a bit of a slap in the face but I would never tell him I hate his look. We would have a mature discussion regarding it. Is there something more to this story? I do know some men just feel strongly about women having long hair. Give him a chance, it might grow on him. I'm sorry you are dealing with his attitude.
I have known my H for 8 years, I have had long hair for about 13- 14 years. He always told me to not cut it, and I was fine with it, but after LO was born I kept asking him to let me chop it off. I thought he had finally agreed to let me do it even if he would rather I didn't. We even talked at length about donating my hair. When I came home he insists I said I was just getting a trim ( I never said that). He refused to talk to me all evening, and is canceling all our plans this weekend because he doesnt want people to see me. He did have a bad day at work he said, so I am hoping that's all it is.

As much as your H is sounding like the world's biggest ass right now, I'm going to attempt to play devils advocate for him. I think this is your alls first baby, right? Lots of things have changed. The hormones have taken a roll on you both physically and emotionally. They destroy our hair. It sucks. Especially for women with fine hair, sometimes the very best thing to do is to trim it short and start over. Has this side of it been explained to your DH? Your hair could not have been saved at this point? And it wasn't helping your self esteem? He's going through a lot of changes, too. No, that doesn't give him the right to act like an asshole but let's pretend he's having a temper tantrum and give him the day to stew in his own shit and come around. He may see the error of his ways. If he does not, present the facts. Your hair was not healthy. You needed a restart. You will try this new short thing, if it doesn't work out, you'll just grow it out. Simple as that. But as an adult and as your spouse, he needs to support you. If he misunderstood your intentions, he needs to take some responsibility in that because he didn't ask enough questions or take enough interest in your desires. Your family is going through some growing pains right now. These are hard times. His reaction is probably only semi based on your hair. So I wouldn't take it too personally. Hugs.

Are you seriously defending a man who thinks he can tell his wife when she can cut her hair and cancel plans for her? Are you kidding? Honestly, OP, I would run as far away from this guy as possible, because I promise if this is his reaction to your hair something else one day is going to cause a much bigger, more severe reaction and it's not going to be good.

RanFan28 · April 2014

Ditto PPS. My husband likes my hair long and it was an adjustment when I got it cut, about that length, last summer. BUT, when is asked him about it, he said he wanted me to do what I want and he would NEVER say those hurtful words it so those things to me. I get that DH is hurt, but you need to let him know that his words and actions have hurt your feelings. Not okay. I'm so sorry. And, for the record, I think you look beautiful! Drastic changes are awesome. You do you, mama. And YOU are rockin!

nofcksgiven · April 2014

KateMW said:

hercules03 said:

sventurarn said:

hercules03 said:
As horrible as it is that I think it is that your husband would such a thing to you, I don't think I would do something that my husband has specified he wouldn't care for. And I only say that because for example if I find beards gross and he grew out a beard after I told him I despise beards, I would find that a bit of a slap in the face but I would never tell him I hate his look. We would have a mature discussion regarding it. Is there something more to this story? I do know some men just feel strongly about women having long hair. Give him a chance, it might grow on him. I'm sorry you are dealing with his attitude.
I have known my H for 8 years, I have had long hair for about 13- 14 years. He always told me to not cut it, and I was fine with it, but after LO was born I kept asking him to let me chop it off. I thought he had finally agreed to let me do it even if he would rather I didn't. We even talked at length about donating my hair.

When I came home he insists I said I was just getting a trim ( I never said that). He refused to talk to me all evening, and is canceling all our plans this weekend because he doesnt want people to see me.

He did have a bad day at work he said, so I am hoping that's all it is.

As much as your H is sounding like the world's biggest ass right now, I'm going to attempt to play devils advocate for him. I think this is your alls first baby, right? Lots of things have changed. The hormones have taken a roll on you both physically and emotionally. They destroy our hair. It sucks. Especially for women with fine hair, sometimes the very best thing to do is to trim it short and start over. Has this side of it been explained to your DH? Your hair could not have been saved at this point? And it wasn't helping your self esteem? He's going through a lot of changes, too. No, that doesn't give him the right to act like an asshole but let's pretend he's having a temper tantrum and give him the day to stew in his own shit and come around. He may see the error of his ways. If he does not, present the facts. Your hair was not healthy. You needed a restart. You will try this new short thing, if it doesn't work out, you'll just grow it out. Simple as that. But as an adult and as your spouse, he needs to support you. If he misunderstood your intentions, he needs to take some responsibility in that because he didn't ask enough questions or take enough interest in your desires. Your family is going through some growing pains right now. These are hard times. His reaction is probably only semi based on your hair. So I wouldn't take it too personally. Hugs.

Are you seriously defending a man who thinks he can tell his wife when she can cut her hair and cancel plans for her? Are you kidding? Honestly, OP, I would run as far away from this guy as possible, because I promise if this is his reaction to your hair something else one day is going to cause a much bigger, more severe reaction and it's not going to be good.

^^^^this exactly.

notkateanymore · April 2014

@meggie0421 you have a PM in like two minutes.

ErinO21 · April 2014

I think your new do is adorable! Personally, I think boys with haircuts like that look like girls so you do not look anything like a boy. If my husband said he didn't want to be seen in public with me I'd tell him he'd be sitting at home by himself a lot. I'm sorry your feelings are hurt though. That's tough.

greenbeanqueen · April 2014

I recently got a similar haircut. DH and I discussed it before I did it. His exact words were "I love your hair long but it is your hair so do what you want". He now likes my cut. Your DH is being a dick.

northport6 · April 2014

Your hair looks way better short, shaped and sassy. Your husband's being a rude, immature JACKBUTT.

northport6 · April 2014

superspecialsnowflake said:

northport6 said:
Your hair looks way better short, shaped and sassy. Your husband's being a rude, immature JACKBUTT.

yeah, this is putting it nicely.

OP, does your DH also make comments about what you can and cannot wear outside of the house? Or in general?

Yeah after reading your follow up sventura, I'm going to have to echo Meggie and Kate in wondering what the power dynamic is in your relationship, because it doesn't sound like a healthy one.

cammyisagirlsname · April 2014

It definitely looks much more healthy shorter!

lifesaverz · April 2014

It's cute! Now that said, my H DEF prefers long hair, so I prob would never cut mine quite that short, & if he didn't expect me to do it I could def see him being upset at first, BUT he would never just stop talking to me, & would DEF not do something so disrespectful as cancel our plans. I mean, he's allowed to be upset & all, but that part is just no.

golfingdarwinfish · April 2014

hercules03 said:

@katemw - not so much defending him as he may have just said something really stupid in the heat of the moment and not really understood the reasoning behind the cut. I'm not saying what he said what acceptable at all. No way. But maybe if he thinks about it - and realizes what an ass he sounds like and realizes the necessity of the cut - he'll come around. Other posters have mentioned their husbands prefer longer hair, too. I think OP's husband was likely having a really bad day and I'm hoping he said it out of anger and will apologize. No guarantees. But we've probably all said something we regret when are angry. That's all why I mentioned this is probably not entirely about the hair. He had had a bad day at work and is genuinely going through a hard time. Again, that is still no excuse for saying such a shitty thing. But hopefully today he'll wake up and see the error of his ways.

Why does he even have to understand "the necessity of the cut"? Why does there have to be a "necessity"?

and, it's one thing to say something out of anger; it's another to actually start canceling plans. Also, hurling vicious insults at your significant other because you "had a bad day" is inexcusable. You should never assume it's okay to say those things to your spouse; there should be a line of respect and courtesy in a relationship. I understand being short with your significant other when you're angry, we all do that, but to actually make your significant feel worse about themselves AND then tell them that others will support their views and also tear down the person? That's a completely different level of wrong and should be unacceptable in a relationship.

northport6 · April 2014

@sventurarn‌ Come back, buddy. We're all thinking about you and your little sexpot hairdo.

bubblesmtu · April 2014

Your haircut looks beautiful and I hope your husband soon realizes this! Please don't let him make you feel bad about yourself.

azmama20 · April 2014

Here's a good article:

https://www.modernmom.com/d8bc5124-3b3e-11e3-be8a-bc764e04a41e.html

mamaj1220 · April 2014

You look so hot mama! Love love love it!!!!!! Sorry he's being a douche hopefully he will apologize and do something to make you feel like the beautiful woman you are! Please don't go off the grid until we know you are feeling better?

notthecheat · April 2014

Thank you everyone so much for your concern. DH is very opinionated when it comes to my looks. He hates when I wear any makeup and has had objections once or twice to an outfit. I usually don't wear makeup because I am lazy and I don't know how to do it anyway. I will put on concealer sometimes and I do wear some makeup for special occasions. I told him too bad, I am getting my makeup done for my wedding day, and he still didn't want me to, but told me I looked so beautiful on our wedding day and cried when I came down the aisle.

I have never really done anything with my hair before either except brush it or wear a ponytail, also because I am lazy and don't know how. I also kept it long so it is easy to put up and so I don't have to get it cut as often. It had gotten really bad though and I didn't like how damaged it looked. My hairstylist taught me how to style my new cut so I went out and bought my first blowdryer and round brush. This is all new territory for DH who hates change. I think it was all just a bit overwhelming for him. The canceling plans was not punishment for me but because DH was embarrassed for people to see my "boy" haircut.

notthecheat · April 2014

I am a very timid person by nature who cares a lot about what other people think and hates discord/confrontation and I hate that about myself. However, I am also a pretty laid back person. If DH objects to something I usually don't think its a big deal and don't mind doing his way if its no skin off my back. If I do have a strong opinion though, I will put up a fight.

He hasn't always been so inflexible, it's been worse since LO was born. He hates his job, so combined with loss of sleep and more stress of having a child, he's more irritable lately.

I have been in a relationship before that was very controlling and manipulative, and this is not like that.

notthecheat · April 2014

Thank you so much Cash. Im so glad to have you as a friend

He said "I don't know what you want me to say. Do you want me to lie to you??" And I said "no" because I want to know what he really thinks.

notthecheat · April 2014

I am terrible when it comes to arguments. When I feel attacked, I just wall up and never know what to say until later. Then when I do I can never decide if its worth rehashing.

notthecheat · April 2014

Thank you @hercules03‌ it is normal for him to be opinionated about my looks, but that is not normal behavior for him. He has never been embarrassed to be seen with me or said I looked like a boy or even that I have ever looked bad.

notkateanymore · April 2014

sventurarn said:

Thank you everyone so much for your concern. DH is very opinionated when it comes to my looks. He hates when I wear any makeup and has had objections once or twice to an outfit. I usually don't wear makeup because I am lazy and I don't know how to do it anyway. I will put on concealer sometimes and I do wear some makeup for special occasions. I told him too bad, I am getting my makeup done for my wedding day, and he still didn't want me to, but told me I looked so beautiful on our wedding day and cried when I came down the aisle. I have never really done anything with my hair before either except brush it or wear a ponytail, also because I am lazy and don't know how. I also kept it long so it is easy to put up and so I don't have to get it cut as often. It had gotten really bad though and I didn't like how damaged it looked. My hairstylist taught me how to style my new cut so I went out and bought my first blowdryer and round brush. This is all new territory for DH who hates change. I think it was all just a bit overwhelming for him. The canceling plans was not punishment for me but because DH was embarrassed for people to see my "boy" haircut.

No, he sounds like a controlling asshole. Please please think seriously about his actions. They're not normal.

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